Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-26-2013, 07:08 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Always promote communicating!

Sometimes what appears obvious-isn't.

We have had people think some of our stipulations were red flags because it LOOKS like a control pattern from the outside.
But-once they are in the friend zone (at least) they see that we are all truly committed to our kids and our individual personal relationships with the kids-it isn't a partner control issue-it's a personal decision. We choose to prioritize our family time with our kids. Potentials are welcome to JOIN-but we don't cancel our time with our kids to go out on dates.

Anyway-definitely great job on communicating.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 07-27-2013, 05:16 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,964

Just to add something from the "other side" -

MrS originally had a boundary/rule that requested that he would be "informed" if sex between Dude and I was going to happen (a "soft-limit" in GalaGirl's terminology). His perspective was that he wanted to be able to "brace himself" if he was likely to come upon situation where we were having sex (because we all live together) or, at least, know why I wasn't responding to his texts/calls.

I, to be honest, was fine with this limit - I was asking my husband to adjust to a whole new dynamic (sex with Dude vs. sex with girls). Dude was not as content with this - he felt that it restricted spontaneity.

Six months later - it was a moot point (and has been for the last 18 mos). The restriction/boundary/rule was lifted. MrS is no longer uncomfortable with Dude+I sex wherever/whenever - whether he is there or not, whether he could walk in on us or not. Sometimes people require things during a transition in order to find out whether they can weather the transition.

So - yes, find out if it is a hard/soft limit. Find out, if possible, what the restriction is meant to accomplish. Yes, it is a red flag - BUT a red flag means "Stop! assess the situation." If, after assessing the situation, you decide it is only a "Yellow Flag" (Proceed with Caution)...then you should ...well, "proceed with caution".

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote

agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:54 AM.