Progress but still struggling - a conversion story

JacobJT

New member
So, my gf of about 8 months broached the subject of her wanting to explore poly about 2 months ago (thanks Bookbug and GalaGirl for helping me with some of that!). Over the past two months I have done a lot of reading, surfing and posting on poly forums, a meet up with a poly support group, and finding local poly couples and singles in my area to talk to, some of whom have been immeasurably helpful. But I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I have always been monogamous but recognized that she seems to be innately poly and we both felt that the likelihood of her being happy in a long term monogamous relationship was fairly low. I on the other hand have always been monogamous, have had trust issues from past unhealthy relationships, and definitely have a fair handful of jealousy and possessiveness issues. I've been working on some of these but it's definitely been a slow and ongoing process.

Last night the gf had her first initial 'date' with a friend and coworker. Now it wasn't a super loaded situation, at this point they're just friends, but he did drive 40 minutes each way to go out to dinner with her so to me that says something...but I digress. Earlier in the day I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. In the past I'd experienced mostly anger, fear, anxiety, and depression over thinking about her being with another, but this time I also experienced a great deal of sadness. Luckily one of my poly friends was around to talk me through it. She was very supportive but also said that I need to be honest about my own proclivities and not try and force myself into a poly direction just because I feel like it's something I 'should' be able to do, or that I'm less of a person if I can't do it. But after the wave of sadness passed and I vented to her a little bit during my breakdown, I got calm again. And again I could think rationally and say "I don't want to back away from this just out of fear and never know if this is possible for me/us. I feel like she's never going to be happy in a monogamous relationship, and if this is going to break us I'd prefer to have tried!" And all this kind of stuff.

But I'm just still having this massive war going on inside me. In the past I've definitely fallin into the 'Beta'/'nice guy' territory where I've let women walk all over me or do whatever they want, and besides just allowing myself to get hurt I know that from an evolutionary psychology perspective 'beta/nice guy' traits are just not all that attractive to the female psyche in the first place. Not saying that women don't like nice guys, but they're generally not attracted to doormats with no leadership qualities either (not to say that's me, but I have played the doormat in the past).

Anyhow, I keep having this war going on inside me telling me that by bending and contorting myself so far as to try and see if I can go poly that I'm doing the ultra nice guy thing all over. That I've already gone too far just by allowing her to go on a 'date' with another man. That I've already proven myself to be a wuss and a doormat etc. Now if she weren't poly and were just a normal woman testing me to see what she can get away with or if I have any backbone that would be fair and true imo. But if I can truly let in the fact that she is actually polyamorous, then it's maybe not the case. But I keep feeling these perspectives at odds with each other. That I'm just being a beta doormat wuss by allowing my gf to date and potentially mate with other men. It drives me crazy that I still feel this way, and it comes in waves. Sometimes I can embrace a future oriented perspective and say to myself "What kind of man allows his polyamorous girlfriend to date other men? A secure, loving, and confidant man. A compassionate man who recognizes the innate freedom of another loving human being." I can see that perspective when I'm thinking rationally and 'cool'. But when my emotions start warring I hear "What kind of guy lets his girlfriend sleep with other men? A doormat beta nice guy weakling who has no self respect".

Sometimes this more fearful side of me starts to see polyamory as a largely female agenda and certain parts of me will rage against it, like it's the ultimate cuckold position or beta thing to do, that it's just becoming totally submissive to the will of a womans pluralistic mating strategies etc. All this crap keeps coming up and taunting me and I'm just tired of it.

I've been stressed out and not sleeping, and now I'm sick. I'm having this constant war in my head and it's draining.

I guess part of my phone conversation yesterday made me realize how unanchored I am right now. I don't feel emotionally grounded in any one particular response right now. So I can't tell if I'm actually firmly anchored in monogamy, or if I'm actually shifting towards a place of being able to embrace polyamory, or if I'm just totally freakin confused and lost. That's the best way I can put it, I feel emotionally unanchored and adrift, without any real 'home' perspective. Now I'm a person who can handle the unknown, but when I'm getting sick, stressed, run down, and frazzled? It's pissing me off lol. I had my own first sort of meet up date planned tonight just to get to know one of my online friends in real life, but have had to cancel now cause I'm sick, likely from the lack of sleep and stress and anxiety of thinking about all this poly stuff. How ironic!

Just hoping for some advice or words of wisdom. Something that can help me gauge how 'normal' my current levels of disturbance are. Anything anyone cares to share (constructively) is much appreciated!
 
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Well speaking as an Alpha male personality.
I am in your shoes also. So your personality has nothing to do with it.(my view)

My wife and I just started in to poly and it been a F***ing emotional roller coaster for me. Trust me its been REALLY tough at time and draining beyond all I had to muster. So your not alone.

Do not FORCE your self in to changing your personality to fit the poly life. I did and it was really emotionally draining and painful to the body.

I was told my a guy friend that was mentoring me, as well as the girlfriend. To try to go with the flow.
 
Well speaking as an Alpha male personality.
I am in your shoes also. So your personality has nothing to do with it.(my view)

My wife and I just started in to poly and it been a F***ing emotional roller coaster for me. Trust me its been REALLY tough at time and draining beyond all I had to muster. So your not alone.

Do not FORCE your self in to changing your personality to fit the poly life. I did and it was really emotionally draining and painful to the body.

I was told my a guy friend that was mentoring me, as well as the girlfriend. To try to go with the flow.

Ironically if you are an alpha, that totally opposes how you work. Thats good advice but maybe not for your personality type. I know I don't go with the flow, I make it..

I learned to deal quite simply, by simply running my own life, and people stay involved with me. Really thats the way everyone should view it in my opinion. Have your relationship with yourself first and everyone else that wants to be with you, will be with you, they don't fit with your relationship with yourself, then it may be time to cut cords. Sometimes we focus too much on our external sources.

I don't feel emotionally grounded in any one particular response right now. So I can't tell if I'm actually firmly anchored in monogamy, or if I'm actually shifting towards a place of being able to embrace polyamory,

Don't anchor yourself in a relationship type, or structure. Anchor yourself in yourself. :)..

Easy to say, harder to do.
 
HA! I see it the other way. Not that you're a wuss for accepting your girlfriend for who she is - but that you are a real man. Those tough guys that don't tolerate anything often find themselves alone. Just sayin'. Your internal monologue is lying to you on this issue.

Now, that doesn't mean *you* may not ultimately be happier in a mono relationship. If that's true, well than that's who you are and this experience will help you figure it out. But be sure if you do choose monogamy, it is because that's what makes you happy; not because you're a wuss if you're not mono or out of some paranoia that poly is a secret female agenda. (Thanks for the laugh btw.)
 
It might help to toss out all the alpha beta nonsense and recognize being of a particular gender does not mean you act or think a particular way. Each of us is an individual made up of various productive and non productive qualities.

And the one invaluable quality to our species is cooperation. Without it we'd have died off a long time ago. This isn't a situation for you to allow or disallow, as a man of any sort. It is a situation for you to decide if you want to stay or go as a person. This is only going to be harder to reason through while you're looking at it as some war of the sexes with either having some agenda against the of the other. We don't have hive mind with others of the same gender. Thinking this way is to suggest we all fit into some easy to identify box and must follow some set standard of behavior. All that smells of the pick up artist schools of thought.

The fear is often rooted in the feeling of helplessness. Your relationship has changed but you're not helpless. This isn't happening because you are ineffective at controlling your partner (or ineffective as a man for pete's sake). You're not suppose to control others in the first place. You control YOU. Your GF is another whole and separate person and not an accessory to you. She doesn't exist to validate/invalidate your masculinity and likely isn't doing anything with that in mind as thought she sat up one night and cooked up some plan mess with and test you. And neither does she control you either as an absence of your control over her or just in general. You can stay, go, or redefine your association with her. These were options you had all along and not just since she told you she was poly.
 
Ironically if you are an alpha, that totally opposes how you work. Thats good advice but maybe not for your personality type. I know I don't go with the flow, I make it..

I learned to deal quite simply, by simply running my own life, and people stay involved with me. Really thats the way everyone should view it in my opinion. Have your relationship with yourself first and everyone else that wants to be with you, will be with you, they don't fit with your relationship with yourself, then it may be time to cut cords. Sometimes we focus too much on our external sources.



Don't anchor yourself in a relationship type, or structure. Anchor yourself in yourself. :)..

Easy to say, harder to do.

Thanks everybody, and thank you much for this Ariakas. It really sounds like you perhaps 'speak both tongues', and that's so refreshing. I've found few in the male dating advice/pua community who think anything positive about polyamory, and few in the polyamory community that speak 'game' or male dating/attraction psychology stuff. Actually it sounds like you not only speak it, but also embody it! :)

I've been looking for some people with both these understandings under their belt for some assistance. The poly people I've met in my area are nice enough, but many of them are very submissive, some even have cuckold fetishes, which is fine if that's what they're into but its definitely not my cup of tea.

I'm definitely an early stage reforming beta nice guy, have been most of my 36 years with some periods of time of hyper confidence and authentic autonomy splashed in for good measure, but I usually would lapse back into my old characteristics fairly quickly. I was practicing some game when I ran into my current gf. Not in the artificial sense of routines or mind tricks, just in the sense of working on inner stuff, becoming a more confident and outgoing expression of myself, noticing old habits and social behaviors that were just ingrained in me so deeply they were like breathing, and trying out what it was like not to do them. I definitely started to exude a more 'alpha' side of myself, while still not contorting myself into someone that I'm not. And then I met my current gf. Things were very hot and heavy for a while, and still can be from time to time, but you know the story with newly reformed cases like me, I quickly lapsed back into beta behavior patterns as that has always been how I behaved in relationship. Recently with all the poly shake up I've sort of snapped out of it and noticed that I can begin building and stoking that initial level of attraction again from time to time, but I've been so torn up by this poly schtuff and all the talking about it and emotional drama that I quickly fall back into beta territory.

I've been thinking that there must be a more 'alpha', or even 'omega' response to polyamory, but being a in-process reforming beta it's very easy for me to justify some of my thinking as potentially 'omega' integrated beta traits , when in fact it's just beta crap again.

I know to a lot of people this stuff sounds like non-sense, but hopefully maybe not. Just like monogamy is ingrained in us by our parents/teachers/religions/marketing/society, so is a bunch of crap about how to be a 'good guy', and a lot of it is beta submissive behavior which under the hood is often much more manipulative than 'alpha' behavior which tends to be overt rather than covert in it's motives more of the time. But also many Beta traits are just not attractive on an evolutionary psychology level. They tend to communicate lower value, lack of self confidence, attempts to control and manipulate, mask motives, etc.

So I'm just truly looking for a more alpha or omega perspective around polyamory so I can start to see my way out of this illusion that it is some secret feminine agenda to maximize pluralistic mating tendencies and play a better game of hypergamy.

The thing is that I'm not just trying to game girls, I'm trying to have fun and date, but also have honest and loving responses and relationships with the woman (or women) closest to me. There are so few role models that I've encountered so far that understand game and polyamory, and this probably has at least something to do with the fact that I live in Michigan and not cali or ny etc., it's rather corn and potatoes out here still, even in the major suburbs in terms of semi conservative lifestyles and lack of population density.
 
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But be sure if you do choose monogamy, it is because that's what makes you happy; not because you're a wuss if you're not mono or out of some paranoia that poly is a secret female agenda. (Thanks for the laugh btw.)

Bookbug, glad you got a laugh out of it! :D

But I honestly have to admit to having a part of me that tells me that! And you'd be amazed at the feedback I've gotten on non poly friendly dating boards. More than a few people out there respond to it reflexively as an innately feminine perspective and objective, to try and maximize multiple partner's submission into a configuration that serves their hypergamic goals (unconscious, largely) and desires.

I know it's fairly ridic, but I can't lie and say some of my conditioning doesn't bark the same stuff, and hearing it echoed back as a cacophony can be alarming when one is in a sensitive phase of transition!
 
It might help to toss out all the alpha beta nonsense and recognize being of a particular gender does not mean you act or think a particular way. Each of us is an individual made up of various productive and non productive qualities.

And the one invaluable quality to our species is cooperation. Without it we'd have died off a long time ago. This isn't a situation for you to allow or disallow, as a man of any sort. It is a situation for you to decide if you want to stay or go as a person. This is only going to be harder to reason through while you're looking at it as some war of the sexes with either having some agenda against the of the other. We don't have hive mind with others of the same gender. Thinking this way is to suggest we all fit into some easy to identify box and must follow some set standard of behavior. All that smells of the pick up artist schools of thought.

The fear is often rooted in the feeling of helplessness. Your relationship has changed but you're not helpless. This isn't happening because you are ineffective at controlling your partner (or ineffective as a man for pete's sake). You're not suppose to control others in the first place. You control YOU. Your GF is another whole and separate person and not an accessory to you. She doesn't exist to validate/invalidate your masculinity and likely isn't doing anything with that in mind as thought she sat up one night and cooked up some plan mess with and test you. And neither does she control you either as an absence of your control over her or just in general. You can stay, go, or redefine your association with her. These were options you had all along and not just since she told you she was poly.

Vinccenzo,

Thank you for this as well! Sometimes I need to remember to snap out of it and just come to my own conclusions about how I feel. But I'm also aware that I am a 'not all that unique' expression of my culture/time/gender/evolution etc., and that there are often deeply ingrained belief systems I'm operating under which were simply 'installed' as part of where/when I was born into what circumstances. I have a bit of a buddhist/taoist eastern background as well, and can recognize that often what I refer to as 'my self' are just circumstantial traits that don't have all that much to do with my deeper identity (original face and all).

But I do appreciate a bit of the 'snap out of it man!' reminder! I can get lost in over thinking things. I just know that I tend to have some patterns that I fall into in relationship that are fairly good at making things routine and lack the excitement and playfulness that's an essential part of what keeps attraction stoked between two partners (and often what dies when both stop trying).

But thanks, I needed to hear this too! :)
 
Bookbug, glad you got a laugh out of it! :D

But I honestly have to admit to having a part of me that tells me that! And you'd be amazed at the feedback I've gotten on non poly friendly dating boards. More than a few people out there respond to it reflexively as an innately feminine perspective and objective, to try and maximize multiple partner's submission into a configuration that serves their hypergamic goals (unconscious, largely) and desires.

I can honestly say that I am not familiar with the non-poly dating boards, but I can say it smacks of sexism in the worst way. It's like the old double-standard: a guy sleeps around a lot and he's a stud; a woman sleeps around a lot and she's a whore. This women's agenda paranoia sounds like crap from a bunch of territorial knuckle-draggers who wouldn't know what to do with a successful, competent woman if they had one. And I'm quite sure they seldom do - and if so, not for long.
 
you're not an animal

I'm definitely an early stage reforming beta nice guy, have been most of my 36 years with some periods of time of hyper confidence and authentic autonomy splashed in for good measure, but I usually would lapse back into my old characteristics fairly quickly. I was practicing some game when I ran into my current gf. Not in the artificial sense of routines or mind tricks, just in the sense of working on inner stuff, becoming a more confident and outgoing expression of myself, noticing old habits and social behaviors that were just ingrained in me so deeply they were like breathing, and trying out what it was like not to do them. I definitely started to exude a more 'alpha' side of myself, while still not contorting myself into someone that I'm not. And then I met my current gf. Things were very hot and heavy for a while, and still can be from time to time, but you know the story with newly reformed cases like me, I quickly lapsed back into beta behavior patterns as that has always been how I behaved in relationship. Recently with all the poly shake up I've sort of snapped out of it and noticed that I can begin building and stoking that initial level of attraction again from time to time, but I've been so torn up by this poly schtuff and all the talking about it and emotional drama that I quickly fall back into beta territory.

I've been thinking that there must be a more 'alpha', or even 'omega' response to polyamory, but being a in-process reforming beta it's very easy for me to justify some of my thinking as potentially 'omega' integrated beta traits , when in fact it's just beta crap again.

I know to a lot of people this stuff sounds like non-sense, but hopefully maybe not. Just like monogamy is ingrained in us by our parents/teachers/religions/marketing/society, so is a bunch of crap about how to be a 'good guy', and a lot of it is beta submissive behavior which under the hood is often much more manipulative than 'alpha' behavior which tends to be overt rather than covert in it's motives more of the time. But also many Beta traits are just not attractive on an evolutionary psychology level. They tend to communicate lower value, lack of self confidence, attempts to control and manipulate, mask motives, etc.

So I'm just truly looking for a more alpha or omega perspective around polyamory so I can start to see my way out of this illusion that it is some secret feminine agenda to maximize pluralistic mating tendencies and play a better game of hypergamy.

As I read through this, and all the terms of alpha, beta, omega, I keep visualizing a den of wolves. You are human, not an animal who operates on instinct for survival, to endure. What makes humans different is we can make a choice for ourselves and not revert to primal behaviors. If you want to move forward, in my humble opinion (and non-manipulative because I came to poly differently -- there was no outside our marriage man I want to be with, but hub and I realized we are this), get over these terms and just be you. If you feel angry one day, embrace it, that's what you are feeling. If you are feeling jealousy, live through it, don't try to ignore it or pretend it's wrong, it's absolutely normal to have those emotions. I just feel that the more you worry about your "beta-ness" versus your "alpha-ness" your going to loose yourself and who you are. ;)
 
Thanks everybody, I definitely need to 'find my own voice' in all this. I'm just searching and collecting data but I'm pretty much on information overload at this point (not that it's gonna stop me lol).

I just needed to hear some stronger mature masculine perspectives on polyamory for a minute. So many of the people I've met from my area have been women or naturally more submissive/passive guys. I really need to surf around this board a little more and read posts from the guys on how polyamory came into their lives and what it means to them. I've been very mono hardwired all my life and seeing as this has come about from the outside my systems have perceived it as a 'threat' in a lot if ways, and though I think I've made good progress I can still polarize the situation in my mind very easily. I'm so sick of being distraught over this. I want to move beyond it.
 
I think you may be a bit misguided

As someone who studied evolutionary psychology in university I think you're rather misguided. Sounds to me like you're taking pop psychology advice from people who don't know what they're talking about. People were more or less poly, or at least serial monogamists back in the day. The males with the most women were aggressive, and usually pretty rapey. Not something to emulate in a civilized society.

Dating isn't about alpha, or beta, or any of that crap. Its about compatibility and chemistry. You don't need to control your partner, they deserve their autonomy.

If you aren't happy with the relationship style she needs to be happy, that's a barrier to compatibility.

Personally I hate the "being nice is bad, I should be a controlling dick if I want to be successful with women" attitude. It's disrespectful, and those who advise such behavior are usually patriarchial, sexist, and angry at women who have scorned them in the past.

My suggestion: Drop all the pick up artist crap, and just do what works for you. If this relationship isn't working, it's time to consider changing it or moving on. There is no such thing as "game" just men that can either attract women by being awesome, and those who brow beat women with low self esteem into doing what they say.

(also, in terms of poly being a female agenda, that's pretty silly considering how many men are polyamorous, and were the ones to bring it up, or initiate it. It's not a thing that belongs to any one gender.)
 
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Well, with regards to what I said earlier about a small particular sample of the male dating communities voiced opinions on polyamory, I was using it as an example to elucidate some of the misunderstandings that exist out there with regard to polyamory, but that such sentiments can definitely provoke the worst fears in someone who's having a very difficult transition into attempting this lifestyle.

But I think that there's a lot of vitriol towards that community as well that is based on an equal amount of misunderstanding (and of course people like me bandying about a couple of individuals opinions as representative doesn't help matters admittedly). Of course there are tons of douche bags out there active in that community, but I've found that in general there are a lot of good guys. When they speak about 'game' or 'inner game' and learning how to 'build attraction' what many of them are referring to is teaching men how to be more confidant in themselves, how to become aware of their various feelings and psychological components and to learn more effective methods of developing self awareness and understanding. They work at teaching guys how to become more effective communicators, and how to relax and be themselves in a more authentic and natural way. Of course there are guys out there teaching routines and mind tricks, but that stuff is just on a surface level. The real meat of the matter is becoming more aware of and comfortable with who you are in your internal and external landscape, and in doing so to be empowered to make more informed choices about the type of person you want to be, and the types of qualities you would like to lean into versus ones that are causing you problems in your life.

So in that sense the authentic people in the male dating/pua (hate that term as well) community are about teaching men to better themselves and to cultivate greater self awareness and self mastery. I don't often know if woman are aware how taboo it is for men to talk about a lot of this stuff with their friends, family, and other male figures in each others day to day lives. At best we're taught to do so in codified ways that often side step real intimacy and vulnerability in communicating about and sharing our inner experience, our fears, desires, insecurities, emotional landscape, and the like. We're taught, in our own codified male way, a version of "it's just not polite to discuss, my dear". I've found it interesting myself to investigate the arena and to observe situations where men are encouraged to talk about their inner landscapes in a way that's affirming and revealing. Overall net I think some of it has a very positive upside.

Of course there's just as much (probably more) junk out there on that circuit, but I just felt like I needed to stand up a little and voice an alternative view with regard to some of those communities.

Also, I know a lot of people like to talk about 'free will' and rising above our animal nature, but we are human beings living a human life that has evolved in a very particular way. In general we are very much creatures of habit and conditioning. If you look at the Mahayana Buddhist meditations on the male and female form, they analyze first the whole opposite sex form and sense the attraction towards it; they then begin breaking the body down to its constituent pieces and sensing the attraction towards them; and so on and so on further down the chain looking at pores, eyeballs, retinas etc. The practice is designed to reveal to early students that there's nothing 'innately' attractive in the human form per se, but that as humans we have evolved and been condition to see it as such in order to secure the continuation of life for the species. In many respects sex and attraction are literally the power of the universe's impulse to exist and continue. It has to be that attractive, that powerful, that ingrained in order for life to persist. It's only very recently, as civilization has evolved to the point where we can begin to unhinge our thinking from base survival issues, that we can begin to explore more nuanced proclivities in relation to our attraction towards one another. But I don't think we should be fooled into thinking that many of the characteristics and traits we gravitate towards in a mate aren't based on our hard wired unconscious evaluation of them as a provider, a lover, their potential genetic qualities both physical and demonstrated through decision making, etc. This idea that somehow we're all free people out here just deciding on a whim what we feel we are attracted to is a bit naive I think. Did you know that scientific studies show that women are unconsciously more attracted to a particular set of traits during the time of ovulation then they are during the rest of the month? It's been looked at time and time again. We still evaluate our mates largely on an unconscious and subconscious level. The conscious stuff is really mostly tip of the iceberg imo.

Anyhow, just some more thoughts. Much of the sharing here in this thread has been really positive for me and has helped sort of crack me out of this mode of (temporarily, over the past couple of weeks) analyzing polyamory from a perspective of gender wars/bias/whatever. I agree that a lot of the beta/alpha/omega stuff can be over thought. But I also know that I have behaviors that stifle me in my life, and others that I find rewarding, but because of my conditioning if I don't pay attention to what I'm choosing and simply go with the 'path of least resistance' I'm often acting out of inherited conditioning in ways that are counter productive for my own happiness!

Ok, I'm obviously trending towards hyper analysis again so I'll finish here. My heads gonna pop. I'm gonna try and let go and just be me for a little while. ;)
 
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Stop reading MRA and PUA crap. Relationships shouldn't be an adversarial thing unless that's specifically what you're looking for. If you start treating yourself and others as individuals half your problems will disappear.
 
So yes, during the 3 - 4 days of the month that women are ovulating they can become more attracted to excessively masculine men. Guess what? It might be more important to look at which type of men women are more attracted to the the other 27 days. Studies have shown, it's the more gentle guys then.
 
I was merely using the ovulation window as an example of the fact that our desires and attractions are often steered by many unconscious processes, not really trying to make a specific point about the fact.

I don't see what's so sacreligious about admitting that we are creatures that operate within a conditioned context. It doesn't mean that we can't and don't make choices, just that those choices exist within a context created by our human condition and conditioning. I guess that's kind of scary to admit for some people. For me it's like observing an interesting truth and finding it fascinating. *shrugs*
 
Thanks everybody, I definitely need to 'find my own voice' in all this. I'm just searching and collecting data but I'm pretty much on information overload at this point (not that it's gonna stop me lol).

I just needed to hear some stronger mature masculine perspectives on polyamory for a minute. So many of the people I've met from my area have been women or naturally more submissive/passive guys. I really need to surf around this board a little more and read posts from the guys on how polyamory came into their lives and what it means to them. I've been very mono hardwired all my life and seeing as this has come about from the outside my systems have perceived it as a 'threat' in a lot if ways, and though I think I've made good progress I can still polarize the situation in my mind very easily. I'm so sick of being distraught over this. I want to move beyond it.

In this post is some examples of how that school of thought can handicap your reason.
You are putting people into type slots when weighing the value of their input and deciding who can give you more useful advise based on gender. You state you are not exposed enough to wise and manly folk. Who you have heard from most is women and submissive men. It comes off a bit like Team Women and Wuss guys VS Team Real Men. This suggests a measure of invalidation of the words of the people around you unless they fit a particular arch type you wish to emulate. It also suggests that the experiences of others who, in your perception, don't fit that arch type can lend you little aid.
Maybe its the wish to solve this and be over it? I can get that. It took me 20 years and 10 relationships to get from unquestioningly mono to contentedly poly. Go easy on yourself! Find some things you like to do that have nothing to do with this stuff. Learn something you've always wanted to study that has nothing to do with this stuff. Get away from it now and then when it starts spinning your head up.
 
Thanks Vinccenzo. Sorry if I came off that way, these women and men have been invaluable to me! I just meant that the latter group, more 'manly men' were underrepresented in the people I've consulted, and I could use some weigh in from those voices as well! I just felt like I needed to hear some input from that perspective as it had been missing from the collective voice in my world.
 
As for getting away from it, that's hard. I've been obsessively focused on it ever since the girl broached the subject. At first trying to find out everything about it, then trying to find out if I could even touch it with a ten foot pole, and now into first real world steps and trying to figure out how to deal with it. It's driven me half mad. I'm sick, run down, and in a bout of insomnia. It sucks and I hate it, fxck. I wish I knew how to put it down! But things keep coming up in the real world that serve as reminders. Her having some contact w new guy, poly friends checking in to see how I'm doing, outside interests that I have flirted with pursuing me. Sometimes I feel like I've opened pandora's box and my head's spinning! I can't freakin wait till this all settles down a bit, I don't know how much more I can take before either I come to at least some kind of initial emotional resolution or am forced to just shut everything down for my emotional well being. I'm really hoping for the former!!!
 
Jacob I've felt for you and was happy to see your update so I'm going to try to ignore the poly female agenda stuff and suggest what I would say otherwise.

I'd say a mistake you're making isn't whether letting her date others makes you a good guy or a wuss but rather that you think you're "letting" her at all. Whether she is monogamous or not isn't your decision to make. Whether you want to continue to be with her while she pursues polyamory is the only choice you've got.

Is it possible for you to not try to not rush to judgement right now? There is so much judgement and grasping for explanations in your posts. You've said you want to "try." So maybe you could set a period of time that you aren't going to constantly be trying to determine if poly is good or bad, right or wrong, possible or impossible for you. You don't need to decide what kind of man it makes you. Try just living without making a judgement call. She goes on a date and you feel sad. That's it, it's just how you feel. It doesn't MEAN anything. It doesn't mean you can't do it, or you're a being a doormat, or you're being a great guy, it just means you have a feeling and you've taken note of it for later. Maybe if you just let your feelings be feelings and stop trying to figure out the answers for awhile you'll be able to look back on the experiences you've gathered and make those calls.
 
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