I made an intro thread, but had a long question/thought , that I thought was better in it's own post. I'm detail oriented = my post might be long.
My husband, boyfriend, and I all live separately due to a work move and financial reasons. My husband and I (and our kids, they live with me) live on the east coast temporarily ( 2 more years), in two different states. My boyfriend (Red) is on the west coast (where we will return to).
I knew Red for a year before we started dating. Honestly, I didn't foresee us dating. We just stumbled into it. It was about 6 months after my husband and I opened up (I actually had seen another guy for a bit, but that's another story for another day and was quickly over). Red and I started dating about 3 months before our pending move to the east. Red is 14 years older than me, I'm 36, he was a regular at a bar I bartended at (I was helping out friends, I'm a rather shitty bartender), we devolped a friendship through regular conversation. I'm not one for small talk, but we connected over life events of shenanigans and travel, if our age wasn't a factor our paths would have crossed a few times, no doubt. We decided to go to a Women's March together and ended up spending the whole day and night together, exploring his hometown, meeting his family, going to breweries, and walking and talking. We ended up at a hotel by mutual agreement, because time got away from us and I didn't need to be driving home. and that was the start of our relationship.
He doesn't identify as poly, he has always known about my husband, and we continued to develop a relationship as he navigated his way into this lifestyle of ours (as new as it was to us). He has said that in any other relationship he would feel jealous and hurt, of me being with another man. But when he thinks about this and us and my husband and I, he doesn't have those same feelings, he has said he feels differently, he enjoys the company of my husband and he loves having me by his side. He has lived alone for a while and I know he is just happy to simply have someone to talk to, share with, and be around. We have an emotional connection as well as sexual, but our communication is great and we really connect in many different ways. My husband, Red and I have gone on camping trips together and we've spent time going out together, before we moved east. Thankfully I've had a job where I can visit him (but I just lost it) and it's been great spending a few days to almost a month with him.
Since he has never considered poly, and he blames it on his age, he is having a hard time thinking about the future (we talk a lot about a lot of things and the future has recently been a topic). He loves what we have but isn't sure how it's going to work when we move back ( in 2 years). He wants a forever partner, someone he can grow old with. I've told him I understand I am not who he was looking for, in terms of what he was searching for - a partner to be monogamous with (all the societal norms). And I've told him I would completely understand if he wanted to end what we have so he can find what he really wants. But he has said he enjoys what we have now, our distance makes it easier for him because he isn't used to living with someone, and he enjoys what we have now. His real concern is what will happen when my husband, kids, and I move back. He isn't sure how it will all work. He is afraid that I will not have a need for him, that things will be different, he is afraid of screwing up my kids ( they are 11, 13, & 15 right now), he is afraid of where he will fit in. I've told him I can understand his fears, but that I wouldn't invest this time in him, just to dump him when I return home for good. Because he is so set in his ways, he won't read about polyamory (but of course any negative headline catches him and scares him about it - so we talk about), he says it is just a gut feeling that this is not what he wants for the long term (no matter how "progressive" he is trying to be).
I'm not here to convince him, I've always had an open door for him, I understand his fears, they are valid. But he says I make him happy and this is working for now.
He is really concerned because he has hit some health issues and healthcare is becoming too expensive for him. He says he doesn't understand why I would want to take on the responsibility of possibly having to take care of him too, when I will still have kids at home.
My husband has always been positive with him, we all talk on the phone together on occasion. My husband considers him a friend. But I think, he is afraid of not wanting to have to share me when we move back. He has said he isn't sure if we could be just friends if we end what we have because he loves me. It is important to him to have a forever person, so it scares him that I have a husband and kids. I have asked him, if he met someone with just kids would he have these same fears, and he has said that no, his real fear is derrived from me being married. He is afraid of what it will look like for me to share my time between him and my husband when we are back.
I enjoy what we have now, I enjoy thinking about the possibility of him being in my future, I know that we've only been dating a year. But the future comes up a lot with him because he feels old (his words) not so much in age, but in health. He has really bad arthritis and a job he feels like he is being pushed out of (because of his health). And he really feels vulnerable, I think; as in, he feels like he is going to be alone. He really wants someone to live the rest of his life with.
I'm not really sure of what my question really is. I know his concerns and I know this isn't a lifestyle he ever considered. I know he has pressure from his family that this is not right for him and they tell him he will only get hurt. I think a lot of his fears stem from his family, his brother and sister are both married with kids and here he is, single at an age where he feels is too old to start a new life and he feels like I am the person he was looking for, but I'm married, and he is conflicted. My husband and I have talked about all of this and my husband also knew him before Red and I started dating. My husband is open to a future possibility of Red living with us if he ever needed to, or if that is what we wanted.
Both my and my husband's family do not know we are poly, we intend on coming out when my husband retires in 2 years, especially if Red and I are still together.
So I guess I'm just looking for outside opinions of our situation. I intend to be here for him until he decides this isn't what he wants. It will hurt when he makes that decision, but I will understand, and I won't hold him back. I love him and I hope that what ever he decides, that we can still be friends and I can still be there for him in what ever capacity he needs.
I feel like I don't have other poly people to talk to about this, so if anything it is just nice to be able to spit it all out to others who may understand and who may have more experience.
My husband, boyfriend, and I all live separately due to a work move and financial reasons. My husband and I (and our kids, they live with me) live on the east coast temporarily ( 2 more years), in two different states. My boyfriend (Red) is on the west coast (where we will return to).
I knew Red for a year before we started dating. Honestly, I didn't foresee us dating. We just stumbled into it. It was about 6 months after my husband and I opened up (I actually had seen another guy for a bit, but that's another story for another day and was quickly over). Red and I started dating about 3 months before our pending move to the east. Red is 14 years older than me, I'm 36, he was a regular at a bar I bartended at (I was helping out friends, I'm a rather shitty bartender), we devolped a friendship through regular conversation. I'm not one for small talk, but we connected over life events of shenanigans and travel, if our age wasn't a factor our paths would have crossed a few times, no doubt. We decided to go to a Women's March together and ended up spending the whole day and night together, exploring his hometown, meeting his family, going to breweries, and walking and talking. We ended up at a hotel by mutual agreement, because time got away from us and I didn't need to be driving home. and that was the start of our relationship.
He doesn't identify as poly, he has always known about my husband, and we continued to develop a relationship as he navigated his way into this lifestyle of ours (as new as it was to us). He has said that in any other relationship he would feel jealous and hurt, of me being with another man. But when he thinks about this and us and my husband and I, he doesn't have those same feelings, he has said he feels differently, he enjoys the company of my husband and he loves having me by his side. He has lived alone for a while and I know he is just happy to simply have someone to talk to, share with, and be around. We have an emotional connection as well as sexual, but our communication is great and we really connect in many different ways. My husband, Red and I have gone on camping trips together and we've spent time going out together, before we moved east. Thankfully I've had a job where I can visit him (but I just lost it) and it's been great spending a few days to almost a month with him.
Since he has never considered poly, and he blames it on his age, he is having a hard time thinking about the future (we talk a lot about a lot of things and the future has recently been a topic). He loves what we have but isn't sure how it's going to work when we move back ( in 2 years). He wants a forever partner, someone he can grow old with. I've told him I understand I am not who he was looking for, in terms of what he was searching for - a partner to be monogamous with (all the societal norms). And I've told him I would completely understand if he wanted to end what we have so he can find what he really wants. But he has said he enjoys what we have now, our distance makes it easier for him because he isn't used to living with someone, and he enjoys what we have now. His real concern is what will happen when my husband, kids, and I move back. He isn't sure how it will all work. He is afraid that I will not have a need for him, that things will be different, he is afraid of screwing up my kids ( they are 11, 13, & 15 right now), he is afraid of where he will fit in. I've told him I can understand his fears, but that I wouldn't invest this time in him, just to dump him when I return home for good. Because he is so set in his ways, he won't read about polyamory (but of course any negative headline catches him and scares him about it - so we talk about), he says it is just a gut feeling that this is not what he wants for the long term (no matter how "progressive" he is trying to be).
I'm not here to convince him, I've always had an open door for him, I understand his fears, they are valid. But he says I make him happy and this is working for now.
He is really concerned because he has hit some health issues and healthcare is becoming too expensive for him. He says he doesn't understand why I would want to take on the responsibility of possibly having to take care of him too, when I will still have kids at home.
My husband has always been positive with him, we all talk on the phone together on occasion. My husband considers him a friend. But I think, he is afraid of not wanting to have to share me when we move back. He has said he isn't sure if we could be just friends if we end what we have because he loves me. It is important to him to have a forever person, so it scares him that I have a husband and kids. I have asked him, if he met someone with just kids would he have these same fears, and he has said that no, his real fear is derrived from me being married. He is afraid of what it will look like for me to share my time between him and my husband when we are back.
I enjoy what we have now, I enjoy thinking about the possibility of him being in my future, I know that we've only been dating a year. But the future comes up a lot with him because he feels old (his words) not so much in age, but in health. He has really bad arthritis and a job he feels like he is being pushed out of (because of his health). And he really feels vulnerable, I think; as in, he feels like he is going to be alone. He really wants someone to live the rest of his life with.
I'm not really sure of what my question really is. I know his concerns and I know this isn't a lifestyle he ever considered. I know he has pressure from his family that this is not right for him and they tell him he will only get hurt. I think a lot of his fears stem from his family, his brother and sister are both married with kids and here he is, single at an age where he feels is too old to start a new life and he feels like I am the person he was looking for, but I'm married, and he is conflicted. My husband and I have talked about all of this and my husband also knew him before Red and I started dating. My husband is open to a future possibility of Red living with us if he ever needed to, or if that is what we wanted.
Both my and my husband's family do not know we are poly, we intend on coming out when my husband retires in 2 years, especially if Red and I are still together.
So I guess I'm just looking for outside opinions of our situation. I intend to be here for him until he decides this isn't what he wants. It will hurt when he makes that decision, but I will understand, and I won't hold him back. I love him and I hope that what ever he decides, that we can still be friends and I can still be there for him in what ever capacity he needs.
I feel like I don't have other poly people to talk to about this, so if anything it is just nice to be able to spit it all out to others who may understand and who may have more experience.
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