Wish I had a crystal ball

Frankie

Member
I made an intro thread, but had a long question/thought , that I thought was better in it's own post. I'm detail oriented = my post might be long.

My husband, boyfriend, and I all live separately due to a work move and financial reasons. My husband and I (and our kids, they live with me) live on the east coast temporarily ( 2 more years), in two different states. My boyfriend (Red) is on the west coast (where we will return to).

I knew Red for a year before we started dating. Honestly, I didn't foresee us dating. We just stumbled into it. It was about 6 months after my husband and I opened up (I actually had seen another guy for a bit, but that's another story for another day and was quickly over). Red and I started dating about 3 months before our pending move to the east. Red is 14 years older than me, I'm 36, he was a regular at a bar I bartended at (I was helping out friends, I'm a rather shitty bartender), we devolped a friendship through regular conversation. I'm not one for small talk, but we connected over life events of shenanigans and travel, if our age wasn't a factor our paths would have crossed a few times, no doubt. We decided to go to a Women's March together and ended up spending the whole day and night together, exploring his hometown, meeting his family, going to breweries, and walking and talking. We ended up at a hotel by mutual agreement, because time got away from us and I didn't need to be driving home. and that was the start of our relationship.

He doesn't identify as poly, he has always known about my husband, and we continued to develop a relationship as he navigated his way into this lifestyle of ours (as new as it was to us). He has said that in any other relationship he would feel jealous and hurt, of me being with another man. But when he thinks about this and us and my husband and I, he doesn't have those same feelings, he has said he feels differently, he enjoys the company of my husband and he loves having me by his side. He has lived alone for a while and I know he is just happy to simply have someone to talk to, share with, and be around. We have an emotional connection as well as sexual, but our communication is great and we really connect in many different ways. My husband, Red and I have gone on camping trips together and we've spent time going out together, before we moved east. Thankfully I've had a job where I can visit him (but I just lost it) and it's been great spending a few days to almost a month with him.

Since he has never considered poly, and he blames it on his age, he is having a hard time thinking about the future (we talk a lot about a lot of things and the future has recently been a topic). He loves what we have but isn't sure how it's going to work when we move back ( in 2 years). He wants a forever partner, someone he can grow old with. I've told him I understand I am not who he was looking for, in terms of what he was searching for - a partner to be monogamous with (all the societal norms). And I've told him I would completely understand if he wanted to end what we have so he can find what he really wants. But he has said he enjoys what we have now, our distance makes it easier for him because he isn't used to living with someone, and he enjoys what we have now. His real concern is what will happen when my husband, kids, and I move back. He isn't sure how it will all work. He is afraid that I will not have a need for him, that things will be different, he is afraid of screwing up my kids ( they are 11, 13, & 15 right now), he is afraid of where he will fit in. I've told him I can understand his fears, but that I wouldn't invest this time in him, just to dump him when I return home for good. Because he is so set in his ways, he won't read about polyamory (but of course any negative headline catches him and scares him about it - so we talk about), he says it is just a gut feeling that this is not what he wants for the long term (no matter how "progressive" he is trying to be).

I'm not here to convince him, I've always had an open door for him, I understand his fears, they are valid. But he says I make him happy and this is working for now.

He is really concerned because he has hit some health issues and healthcare is becoming too expensive for him. He says he doesn't understand why I would want to take on the responsibility of possibly having to take care of him too, when I will still have kids at home.

My husband has always been positive with him, we all talk on the phone together on occasion. My husband considers him a friend. But I think, he is afraid of not wanting to have to share me when we move back. He has said he isn't sure if we could be just friends if we end what we have because he loves me. It is important to him to have a forever person, so it scares him that I have a husband and kids. I have asked him, if he met someone with just kids would he have these same fears, and he has said that no, his real fear is derrived from me being married. He is afraid of what it will look like for me to share my time between him and my husband when we are back.

I enjoy what we have now, I enjoy thinking about the possibility of him being in my future, I know that we've only been dating a year. But the future comes up a lot with him because he feels old (his words) not so much in age, but in health. He has really bad arthritis and a job he feels like he is being pushed out of (because of his health). And he really feels vulnerable, I think; as in, he feels like he is going to be alone. He really wants someone to live the rest of his life with.

I'm not really sure of what my question really is. I know his concerns and I know this isn't a lifestyle he ever considered. I know he has pressure from his family that this is not right for him and they tell him he will only get hurt. I think a lot of his fears stem from his family, his brother and sister are both married with kids and here he is, single at an age where he feels is too old to start a new life and he feels like I am the person he was looking for, but I'm married, and he is conflicted. My husband and I have talked about all of this and my husband also knew him before Red and I started dating. My husband is open to a future possibility of Red living with us if he ever needed to, or if that is what we wanted.

Both my and my husband's family do not know we are poly, we intend on coming out when my husband retires in 2 years, especially if Red and I are still together.

So I guess I'm just looking for outside opinions of our situation. I intend to be here for him until he decides this isn't what he wants. It will hurt when he makes that decision, but I will understand, and I won't hold him back. I love him and I hope that what ever he decides, that we can still be friends and I can still be there for him in what ever capacity he needs.

I feel like I don't have other poly people to talk to about this, so if anything it is just nice to be able to spit it all out to others who may understand and who may have more experience.
 
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Hello Thing181,

It seems you're in a situation where you don't have a lot of options, you could break up with Red, but what would that accomplish? The most you can do is be there for him until he decides this isn't what he wants. Have you talked to him about the idea of living with you (and your husband and kids)? How does he feel about that? Does he want to do that? Another possibility (for after you move back West) is for him to live in a separate domicile, but closeby, so that you can sort of switch between his house and yours. If that's something that would interest him. It looks like he has a lot of reservations about polyamory, he will have to decide if he can tolerate a poly situation (like the one you will have when you all move back West). If he decides then that he wants to break up with you, what can you do? It's not like you can force him to stay on as your boyfriend. You have to let him go if the time comes that he wants to go. I hope it won't come to that.

Maybe when you move out West he will develop a different frame of mind. He may even decide that polyamory isn't so bad after all, once it really comes down to it. But that's really hard to predict, everyone is different and everyone has a different tolerance level for poly (and for mono). Plus that can change over time ... for some people, but not for others. You really don't know until you actually move out there, and he makes his decision. If he does decide to break up, I hope he'll still be willing to stay friends. But I guess that's up to him as well. I think you already know what you want to do, you want to have as much of a relationship with him as he is willing to have. It takes two people to have a relationship, so you kind of need him to also be willing. We can only hope, right? In the meantime, keep reading about poly so that you'll be able to respond to some of his reservations. Sorry I couldn't be of more help ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417, thanks for your response.

I will keep reading about poly and encourage him to try to learn more too. I've been reading all that I can and tend to read others posts, though I rarely comment because I know I'm still learning.

I agree there isn't much I can do but just be here for now and hope that things continue as they are. Two years is still two years, while I know it will go by fast, it is a long time. We really do have a great connection so I do understand that he has reservations and that in the end this may not work for him, even though I hope he comes around and is excited for our move back.

My husband and I have considered the possibility of him moving in with us when we return and have offered the possibility. I also would not mind him just living where he does or closer and we make that work out. I think his main concern with the idea of him moving in with us is our kids, it is sweet of him because his concern is with upsetting them or 'screwing them up' (his words) by being the one coming into an established marriage/family.

I know my kids though and they have been introduced to all kinds of relationship types and I don't foresee them becoming upset. To them it would just be another person in the house who is or becomes family. Currently we live in a situation where my mom, step mom, dad and uncle all live in the same house as us and another uncle may move in (we live on a 50 acres farm, there are cabins, so we aren't exactly in the same house, but the same household is more accurate I guess). My parents aren't poly in a sexual/relationship sense (maybe they are and they are just really good at making it look like they aren't. LoL) ... But my life has been like this since I was a teen, so all of my kid's life. So someone else moving in, would be rather sort of normal to them. Besides by then they will all be in their teens; and we raise them in an unconventional, homeschooling, free thinking, sex positive manner, so I'm not so worried about them. Red doesn't know them well though, so he just worries, and I understand where he is coming from. He didn't get a chance to spend time with them before we moved because my kids moved out east ahead of my husband and I.

Red was raised in a traditional family where his parents are still married well into their 70's and I think deep down he always wanted that for himself, but he lived a life of traveling with bands and later working in breweries, so he never found the chance to settle down. He did say he always vowed to never sleep with the women his friends were with, and here he is beaking that promise to himself... So I think he is just trying to navigate this in his own way. I try to give all of his concerns space and support his feelings and worries.

I would never try to hold on to him or make him stay. I've always told him he is free to define our relationship as he wishes, I just ask that he is discreet around our mutual friends. He has slipped up here or there, but at this point I think our mutual friends don't care anymore or are just beyond confused about what is going on, no one ever asks directly. My husband and I just try to maintain discretion because of his work, so we refer to him as our good friend. So I think in a way, Red not being able to talk about him and I in a relationship bugs him, especially when he is happy and wants to share. He shares with his family, but they are not on board with the idea of our relationship, so they aren't always positive. He has a few close friends that know our relationship, and while supportive, they don't quite understand poly or how long distance relationships actually work. So I know he has no support in terms of talking about polyamory in a positive light, besides just talking to my husband and I. I've suggested podcasts, but I'm not sure he listens to them. Lol

I'm not distraught about my situation, I know it could go either way, I just hope to not loose our friendship if our relationship ends between now and then. I really enjoy having him to talk to and hang out with and I am pretty sure the feeling is mutual. I know he has found a freedom in having someone he can talk openly with too about every corner of life, he has told me that. So maybe he will find that our lifestyle suits him in the end. Like you said, who knows. I'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks again for your response. It is nice to just be able to talk about everything and just get it out of my head. It is refreshing to have a place to get an outside perspective. I'm pretty private, even in my weird family, my brother was in a poly relationship years ago, but I don't know if he is anymore so I hesitate to talk to him even; well that and I just am not ready to broach the subject with family since we are still new to it all ourselves (husband and I).
 
This is an interesting story. Not just you and your husband and lover, but also your family of origin and the different homes on your family's land for various family members. I can see how your bf could live there. Heck, he could even find another lover who could live with him there, while still being in relationship with you. The possibilities are great!

It's too bad you're all split up right now. But I hope it all works out to everyone's benefit!
 
Hi Thing,

It makes sense that Red would be a little bothered by having to stay hidden -- He can only be a "good friend" when he probably wants to shout it to the world. Any chance he'll be able to do that in the future? like when you move back out West?

I don't know if it would help to explain to Red a little about the kids -- that they would not be bothered by him moving in. It seems that he comes from a very traditional background, and it is hard for him to wrap his mind around all this unconventional stuff.

One interesting thought, is, I wonder if he would be willing to join this forum. He would then have many opportunities to learn more about poly, and, it would become more familiar to him. Sometimes we fear the unfamiliar; this may be his case.

Just some random thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It's too bad he views his age as a barrier to anything. He's only 50.

Also, I always find it fascinating how some mono people don't get it. He wants a forever person. He can't understand the concept of forever people? I dated a woman who couldn't understand that I could commit to more than one relationship. It is very frustrating sometimes.

Of course, he could just be fishing for reassurance.
 
Magdlyn - thank you, I think the possibilities are great, if he wants to be with me/us in the future. He just needs time I guess, and , well, I guess we've got it. :) Thank you for your positive outlook, I too hope it works out for everyone's benefit.

Kdt26417 - yes, when we move back our discretion will no longer be a thing, my husband will be retired and we won't have that worry anymore. I agree I think he does want to shout it to the world and I wish he could now, because honestly I hate having to refer to him as my good friend, I too want to be able to talk about our relationship too.

I think you are right, maybe I need to explain the kids more to him, how I think of their willingness of acceptance. I do talk to him about them and he knows how I raise them and our living situation, and he is fond of them and I know he would like to get to know them more, since he asks about them. So maybe I do need to talk more about how I think they will react to him being a part of our family.

I also agree he has come from a very traditional upbringing, he tends to refer to my kids and their ages and how he assumes they react or act in very conventional ways. For example he always assumes my teenager is going to act out and rebel; but because of my kids upbringing it is pretty unlikely. Red on the other hand had reasons to rebel at my teenagers age, because he was in a much stricter family who had different views and ways of handling things. So I can see where you are saying it may be hard for him to wrap his mind around our unconventional views. That is a good point.

I would love for Red to join this forum. Maybe he will in the future, I will mention it. However, to my knowledge he hasn't red any books or posts I've suggested nor listen to podcasts, so I'm not entirely positive he will. But maybe one day.

I appreciate your thoughts and helpful questions and suggestions.

Vinsanity0 - I agree, I wish he wouldn't view his age as a barrier. But I think because he feels old, like he is falling apart because of his health, he can't help but think that way.

I do think you have a point about needing reassurance. I think deep down he really wants to just be really sure that this is going to work. He sometimes, very rarely though, will talk about what the future would look like with us. So I know, he has to think about it at some points, at least more than he says to me. So I think underneath it all, it is possible he just is fishing for reassurance. He seems to worry a lot, I think the negative views his family shares about our relationship feed his worry. And since he loves them very much, their opinions matter to him.

I hope he will come around one day. I love having him in my life.
 
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"He seems to worry a lot, I think the negative views his family shares about our relationship feed his worry. And since he loves them very much, their opinions matter to him."

This is a hard obstacle for him to overcome. I am sure his family was hoping that he would start a traditional relationship soon, and get married "like normal people do." I can't think of much you can do to help him on this point, this is something he has to figure out for himself. He has to figure out if he is going to let his family dictate his life and relationships. I'm sure to them they are just concerned about his well-being, and honestly it is alright for them to be concerned. Polyamory is not considered a healthy relationship style by mainstream society, most people think you will just get hurt. Red can only decide if he wants to take that risk. It's not like you can guarantee that everything will work out wonderfully, all relationships are a risk including mono relationships. But just going by what you've written here, I think he would not be disappointed if he gave poly a chance with you.
 
OK, so you've been lovers with Red for a year. He's 50. He's single. No kids?

I assume he's tried monogamy in the past? After all, if like most people, he started dating in his teens or early 20s at the latest, he's had 30 years to have had mono relationships. So, how's that worked out for him?

Sounds like he allows himself to cave from pressure from his siblings to be like them, be married, have kids. But the man is 50 already, and has health issues. Surely he doesn't imagine wooing a younger woman to date and marry and start breeding with at this point in time.

So, here you are. Poly. Younger, in love, willing to have him live with you and your unconventional family. He doesn't even have to live in your house, but in
a small cabin somewhere on your land. Sounds like a cool deal to me. He can be involved with younger people, you and your husband, your teenagers, as well as other people in your extended family of various ages. Sounds like a lot of support is available for him, a whole group of people to "grow old with."

You say he doesn't want to live with someone, one on one! So, how does that jive with his mononormative siblings' idea he "should" get married and "have kids?"

Usually we start to break away from our families' "shoulds" in our 30s, at the latest. He's caving to peer pressure from his siblings, and mono society, but at the same time attracted to alternative lifestyles he sees in your family. Obviously he's conflicted.

We have a member here, Ms Emotional, who has a blog. She's married to a man, but also has a bf who struggles with the idea that he wants a mono wife and kids. He's started going to therapy and is maybe starting to let go of conventional aspirations, since he's crazy in love with Ms E and pretty happy with her, even though she has a bf (and also a more casual lover). You might want to read her blog. You might learn some new perspectives on your frustration. You can't MAKE Red commit to poly, but maybe there will be a few tips in how to help this all progress to happiness for you all.
 
Usually we start to break away from our families' "shoulds" in our 30s, at the latest. He's caving to peer pressure from his siblings, and mono society, but at the same time attracted to alternative lifestyles he sees in your family. Obviously he's conflicted.

As Magdlyn points out, sometime around the 4th decade of life, most people develop a much more solid comfort around who they are vs. from where they came. Whether we fall in line or break away, most of us move past the struggle regarding what our family of origin thinks is correct and we make peace with our choices. For whatever reason, Red is still working out his internal struggle and you bring it to life. It's important that you let him struggle and not try to solve anything for him. Firstly, you cannot - and secondly, you only stumble into confusion and worry when you try. This is his work, not yours. You've got to find a way to make peace with his quandary and not wait for his Big Decision to make that peace for you. Once you make your peace and truly in your heart allow him his venture, you both will be able to go forward in solid security as things unfold.



I think the negative views his family shares about our relationship feed his worry. And since he loves them very much, their opinions matter to him.
Loving people does not equate to taking their opinions to heart so much that we cannot honor our own. Mature love is about standing solidly in who we are and graciously allowing others to do the same.




Since he has never considered poly, and he blames it on his age, he is having a hard time thinking about the future....
Because he is so set in his ways, he won't read about polyamory.....
here he is, single at an age where he feels is too old to start a new life...
This is all just BS agism crap - and we all pull it on ourselves in one way or another. There is absolutely no factual basis for any of these "buts."
The truth is that:



* Most successful long term poly relationships happen at a more advanced age, with the benefit of experience and maturity.

* "Set in his ways" is just another term for fear of trying new things. We do not automatically become set in our ways as we age. We can follow the example of others and opt for fear, but increasing suspicion of the new is not a given as we go through life. People usually become more certain of their preferences with less equivocation, but "set in his ways" is not mere preference. Plenty of older people now choose to become more adventuresome than ever before, especially once their children reach adulthood.

*We are never, ever, ever, ever too old to start a new life. EVER. Thinking that we are is just a choice of fear over the adventure of what we truly want. There is absolutely no such thing as being too old to embrace a new home, a new way of thinking or a new love.
 
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Magdlyn - I will check out that blog, thank you for suggesting it.

You are right Red has had monogamous relationships in the past, and yet, here he is. He doesn't necessarily want kids of his own anymore, he just wants someone in his life. I agree though, he is conflicted between the pressures of his family and his interest in our alternative lifestyle.

I'll read that blog and see what different perspectives are there.

FallenAngelina - I am trying hard to make peace and let him do this on his own. I realize I struggle with that, but I appreciate you bringing it up after reading everything, you are reminding me that I still need to work on it. This is his thing to work out. I do my best to let him handle his side of things while just telling him I'm still here through it. He has expressed in the past he doesn't like it when people try to fix things for him, his family does that to him a lot. So over the past year I've been slowly adjusting to what my natural tendencies are, which is to be the problem solver. I can't do that here.

I also really appreciate your words on the agism. I love him for who he is and his age doesn't bother me at all, what really made me love him was his spontaneity, his willingness to get up and go and do anything and having little fear of limitations. I think it is just where he is in life; between his health, his work, and his family I think he is just feeling old and possibly just depressed at where he finds himself at 50. He has lived a crazy and vivid life, I can see the light of all that in his eyes and as he tells me stories of all he has done. I think his light has just dimmed a little, as it has slowed down to where he is currently.

In terms of 'set in his ways' I agree, I think it is a bit of fear based I also think it is a bit of a wall he puts up. He talks to me about his 'crushes' and women he is interested in, he seems to enjoy sharing that with me because I make it comfortable for him to do so; because it is natural to have those feelings. He has told me about his explorations into other lifestyle things that he has dipped his toes into in the past; which he hasn't been able to share with anyone else close to him. One of the things he did say was that he had a past relationship where they talked about swinging and he became more aware of his bi-curiosities. The relationship ended (his girlfriend ended it, because of other things) before anything came of the swinging, but he explored his curiosity of being with men after that, he says after his explorations he is "90ish% straight", he knows I don't mind if he is interested in men or women (He leans towards talking about women when he talks about a life partner or forever partner), I identify as pansexual. So when I say 'set in his ways' it is more so the thought process that he thinks he has a good idea of what polyamory is - so he doesn't see a need to read about it, but in discussing it with him, when I can, he doesn't quite understand it.

We don't discuss it often. Most of the time we just talk about life. Occasionally the future comes up. Sometimes he talks about doing things like trips with my husband and kids, sometimes he says things like, " we should take the kids here, they would enjoy this" or things like, "let's go here with Green (my husband) next time you guys visit.". But then other times he says he isn't sure if our relationship will work when we move back, like I talked about in the beginning of this thread. So it's there, the idea of this working, but he gets conflicted about it more.

In June Green (my husband) and I are flying out to WA and we have a hotel booked over the weekend and it is to celebrate both Green and Red's birthdays . Red says he is excited but he wants to make sure he isn't obligated to go, it is important to him that he can back out if he decides he doesn't want to go in the end. It is completely optional for him, of course I want him to go though. I'm super excited. None of us have been to the place we are going and it will be a weekend adventure (I love when we all do stuff together, our last adventure together was camping just before we moved east). Red has mentioned driving us but we've also talked about us all taking the train down. Red has mentioned us all going fishing or going down to Portland for the day, they both know I really just want to go antiquing (and they both have reminded me I can't buy a ton of stuff, so we've all joked about it together too) Green and I will be home for a week to sort out some things with our house there and Green's retirement planning, so the weekend with Red isn't the only reason we will be flying out there, but it is something I'm really looking forward to and Green is looking forward to it too. Most of the time I talk to Red about it, he seems excited too.

I guess my biggest reason I posted this thread is because I get so excited when he talks positively about our future and then so nervous when he gets conflicted. I know there isn't much I can do and I realize he has a lot to work through on his own, but I do appreciate all you all have to say about it. Your thoughts and opinions help a lot. Thanks.
 
Your situation (as Mags says) does sound pretty cool! Some parts sound so familiar to me. My older kids were/are homeschooled and we lived fairly unconventionally when they were your kids’ ages and younger. Mitch never identified as poly, but also never seemed jealous of my time with Woof. All the same, he wasn’t eager to jump into a long term commitment with me.

Back when Mitch and I reconnected after many years, and started seeing each other with increasing frequency, he hadn’t given up hope of meeting someone he could marry and maybe have kids with. He still wanted the possibility of a “normal” life. Because of this, and our history, and the nature of relationships in general, I saw our time together as indefinite.

I told Mitch I wouldn’t cry foul if he needed to stop seeing me in order to pursue a monogamous relationship. I said I’d miss him, of course. Since I didn’t plan to become monogamous, and I didn’t anticipate ever not loving him, I told him I’d likely be just as available for a relationship when next he wasn’t monogamously committed - even if that’s when he’s a widowed grandpa in his 80s. Sort of a one-sided statement of commitment/intent/acceptance, wrapped in a confirmation of his ongoing free agency?

Well, he never tested my assurances.

I don’t know if my explicit declarations helped us eventually commit to becoming family to each other (including having a kid together). But it did help me enjoy our relationship at that time for what it was. Even more, it was helpful to my own understanding of what I was looking for in relationships, to have articulated that I didn’t need commitment from him if he wasn’t (ever) ready to offer it, and I wouldn’t need constant attention over the years, if he needed to be doing something else. Like you, I had plenty of family to keep me busy and feeling loved.

My experience and thinking along the way may not resonate with you, of course. I just wanted to share the framing that helped me cope: acceptance of his uncertainty, including possibly his need to go be monogamous for a year, or a lifetime. I also offer the example of a situation something like yours growing into something like the future you might envision.

Good luck to you!
 
... Because of this, and our history, and the nature of relationships in general, I saw our time together as indefinite.

I told Mitch I wouldn’t cry foul if he needed to stop seeing me in order to pursue a monogamous relationship. I said I’d miss him, of course. Since I didn’t plan to become monogamous, and I didn’t anticipate ever not loving him, I told him I’d likely be just as available for a relationship when next he wasn’t monogamously committed - even if that’s when he’s a widowed grandpa in his 80s. Sort of a one-sided statement of commitment/intent/acceptance, wrapped in a confirmation of his ongoing free agency?

... it did help me enjoy our relationship at that time for what it was.

...I just wanted to share the framing that helped me cope: acceptance of his uncertainty, including possibly his need to go be monogamous for a year, or a lifetime. I also offer the example of a situation something like yours growing into something like the future you might envision.

Good luck to you!


Thank you so much for sharing. I needed to hear this. This is how I feel.

Red is quirky and his way of approaching life is best suited when he doesn't feel obligated to do things. Like commit to our lifestyle; he doesn't want to feel like he can't walk away if he needs to.

I'm thinking that even with his own talk of him including us in his future occasionally he doesn't want to feel bad if he finds someone else. Someone that suits his desires to be monogamous who could be a forever person.

So this may be something he needs to hear. Thank you for putting the feeling I feel into words, because your experience does resonate with me very much.

Above everything, I just want him to be happy. I would love if his happiness were to be with me and my family, but if he finds someone he wants to be with and it doesn't involve me anymore, I would be just as happy for him, because I know he would be happy.

I've told him sort of a similar thing, but I like the way you put it, I think it would be a whole lot more clear if I said it the way you have.
 
Just in case you haven't noticed, I'm 63, currently living in a poly relationship with Pixi who is 22 years my junior.

My husband and I split up 10 years ago and I met Pixi soon afterwards. I met my ex very young, after 10 years we had 3 kids, I quit working much outside the home... I homebirthed, long term breastfed, we did family bed, homeschooled, all that. (The "kids" are now adults.) I've always been unconventional, an artist, kinky, etc. My ex is also kind of a hippie, but more conventional and fearful than me, with low self esteem.

He took me for granted. We ended up having enough problems to split up, despite sharing values about how to raise the kids, supporting each others' artistic endeavors, etc. But he thought we'd "grow old together." However, he didn't treat me well enough to merit my loyalty and care any longer.

I leapt off a cliff and left it all behind, despite his good income, a nice big house and all my gardens, and the "security." I've never been happier. I have a female life partner, and the freedom to date others, and so does she.

I don't spend excessive time worrying about the future. I didn't leave my ex h looking for my "forever partner." I didn't expect to find one. (But life seems to have brought me one anyway.) I just had to be me, without a nervous jealous partner breathing down my neck. I've seen forever marriages where the couple is staying together, miserable, out of fear, for some kind of tortured security... bleh! Fuck that! I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to evolve. I want to see old friends and make new ones. Keep growing my chosen family. I don't depend on my romantic relationship with one person for my happiness, entertainment and security.

It sounds like Red is somewhat unconventional and adventurous, but still has this mononormative gloss, despite it not really suiting who he is. And he craves and fears commitment, both. He wants one forever partner, but won't even commit to a birthday treat weekend of a train trip, fishing and antiquing? What the heck? lol That's very contradictory!
 
Magdlyn - he is very contradictory, I agree. I can't change who he is though I can only just choose to do what I feel best for me.

Thank you for providing details of this part of your life, I appreciate your sharing.

I know life partners and happiness aren't always a guarantee just as marriage doesn't always equate to a happy life.

Reguardless, somehow I felt I was missing him in my life when we started to get to know each other. Like one of those people who arrive in your life and you are like - there you are, I've been missing you! Even though you've only just met.

Maybe one day his contradictions will wear on me, maybe one day I will grow tired of it. I agree nothing is a guarantee. Feelings are just feelings, not a guarantee that things will stay this way forever either.
 
...I told Mitch I wouldn’t cry foul if he needed to stop seeing me in order to pursue a monogamous relationship. I said I’d miss him, of course. Since I didn’t plan to become monogamous, and I didn’t anticipate ever not loving him, I told him I’d likely be just as available for a relationship when next he wasn’t monogamously committed - even if that’s when he’s a widowed grandpa in his 80s. Sort of a one-sided statement of commitment/intent/acceptance, wrapped in a confirmation of his ongoing free agency?...

...
Red is quirky and his way of approaching life is best suited when he doesn't feel obligated to do things. Like commit to our lifestyle; he doesn't want to feel like he can't walk away if he needs to. ...

Above everything, I just want him to be happy. I would love if his happiness were to be with me and my family, but if he finds someone he wants to be with and it doesn't involve me anymore, I would be just as happy for him, because I know he would be happy.
...

When I got together with Dude and he moved in with us, one of my concerns was that being involved with a poly-married woman would limit his chances of finding a "real girl". Although he said he was not looking for monogamy or children or the traditional types of relationships, my concern was that he was in a state of NRE - with me, and the concept of poly. He has a history of being a wanderer in life, a leaf on the wind, etc. I honestly never expected that he would stay put!

He was not ever committed to the idea of monogamy, but was more familiar with CNM in the swinging/BDSM lifestyle type of way. Once he really came to understand poly - well, that is how he identifies now. He was certain that he didn't want children. He has a strong need for independence and to not feel like he has to "change himself" to be with someone.

I told him the sorts of things that you two describe above. That if he found someone that he wanted to pursue a different model with, that he should not let our relationship stand in the way of that. I do want him to be happy - with or without me. Life is too short not to pursue happiness where we find it. And I would always be here in Forever Home, should he wander back.:rolleyes:

Well, 8 years later (his longest relationship to date - he is 41 now) he is still here. He prefers to date happily partnered poly-identified women and enjoys being free to pursue his interests while having a stable situation at home.
 
JaneQSmythe - thank you for sharing your story. That is ideal for me. To look back and say, 'hey, you are still here!'
 
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