Why do single people become poly?

Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?

Being single and poly is not exactly the same as being solo poly, but many here is a good thread I started asking what solo poly means to many of us:
Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

You can also check out this blog by a member who doesn't post here much anymore:
solopoly.net: What’s wonderful about being solo, polyamorous, and single
 
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I think a lot of people feel their personality, soul, or what have you leads them naturally to a poly lifestyle. Even if you're not in a poly relationship, you're still open to the idea, and accepting that part of yourself that says you can fall in love with more than one person at a time.

I was poly in college (though I didn't know the term then, or that there was anyone else on the planet like me). At some point I figured I would be alone the rest of my life if I couldn't commit to one person, so I forced myself to that. It didn't stick. I got married, and I still am very happily married, but we had a big falling out regarding polyamory, once I found out more people were out there like me than I thought. Now, my partner accepts me, and I'm open to falling in love with others. I don't HAVE to be in a poly relationship to BE poly. I just have to be willing to fall in love, and do something about it aside from turn away because I'm already married.

So, I think the same applies for single people. It's better they be open about who they are with their partners, so that they don't end up in a mono relationship that's comfortable for years until they suddenly fall for 2 people at once.
 
Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?

I agree with you, nycindie, as a "single" person (oh, don't you love the semantics of poly?), I don't see why I wouldn't be poly. Or mono. Or whatever felt comfortable for me.

However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly. Monogamy is something everyone knows about; poly is something you generally stumble into. I might like mangosteen sorbet better than chocolate ice cream, but I'm probably not initially going to be, "Yep, I'm a mangosteen kind of person." How would I even know that flavor exists?

Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare. So the idea of a single person wanting to be poly might confuse a lot of people.
 
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Props to those married folk who DO discover they are poly after the fact-- and then have to struggle with the dangerous, or at least incredibly awkward, "coming out" talk. I've had those sorts of talks with potential partners. But at least if they are opposed to poly, I haven't emotionally/physically/financially invested half a life behind them. I still hate 'em and am dreading one that will come up soon....
 
O, I'm just ruminating about my own situation.

I'm in a long-term marriage with a kid. My husband's girlfriend identifies as poly, but has never been married or in a long-term relationship. She definitely wants a primary (which puts a lot of stress on my husband). It seems that she would be able to get her needs met better if she just approached the situation differently, but who knows!

I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.
 
However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly.
Perhaps on a board like this one, or in poly get-togethers, it seems that way, but what a small cross-section of society these represent! I would not assume that what gets posted here is "the usual" about people in general - it's just what's usual about people who choose to post about their lives on internet forums focused on polyamory.

Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare.

I disagree.

It's much more common and acceptable for single people to want non-exclusivity in relationships and to date more than one person than it is for married people. Whether they call themselves poly is a moot point - besides the fact that not everyone views poly as an identity or "wiring," a lot of people have multiple relationships without ever using the word "polyamorous" to describe them or themselves. Some have never even heard of the term.
 
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Luckily, we haven't had any trouble coming out. We did it slowly, and now our kid, friends, and my colleagues and parents know. Even our parents who are conservative didn't give us much hassle. I would admit though. If we were "three" and wanted to attend family events, this would be much much harder. We define ourselves as an "open marriage" which means (to us) we are still married, but date other people. And we actually haven't gotten any slack. I guess we're lucky.

I don't really know about hard-wiring. I know many poly people liken it to being gay. It would be terrible for me to negate anyone's experience, so I am sure that is true. However, many people I talk to feel merely that theirs just can't be met by one person. If they are liberal; they might open up. If they are nnot, they seem to cheat and/or remain unhappy or divorce. I've experienced very few people who seemed "natually monogamous" i.e. in love and happy fucking only one person for 30 plus years.
 
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Single poly

I do think that single poly are cheaters,but I do know quite a number of people at my job are not married ,or fifteen present are devorce and are living a misserable life,there are quiet a few of them that are still having affair,may be once a week with other coworkers,men on mem ,women on women and all other ways you may think about,but the third or single who is attached to a couple prefer to have their own apartment and still want their own freedom,I even ask a view of them why they will not be together and their reply is that they still need their freedom which they are accustom to .
 
I do think that single poly are cheaters

How can you be a cheater if you're single? Doesn't cheating require having a partner on whom to cheat?
 
That's like a ZEN Puzzle! LOL.

Non-exclusivity can include cheating, single and dating, or poly with multiple rotating partners, hook-ups. Exclusively can be to one (mono), or more than one (poly) or not dating (celibacy wouldn't be the word because that forbids masturbation.

I think you can be single (maybe?) and cheat. Isn't cheating merely the act of lying? So if boyfriend dates girl one and girl two and doesn't tell either one, is it only cheating if they have an agreement. Maybe not cheating, just lying?
 
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I suspect many people don't so much "become" poly as discover that they've always had that inclination but didn't have a word or concept to describe it.

Growing up, I always knew that monogamous marriage was something I would never want. It sounded dreadful, the mere thought of signing over my ability to have relationships with people I liked. I was aware of this long before puberty, long before I was dating, long before I had any sense of romance. I just believed marriage was worse than a death sentence.

Eventually I discovered the formal concept of polyamory and realized that's what I'd felt all along. So from that point on, whenever I was single, I still identified as poly. What it meant was that I had no interest in entering exclusive relationships.

Poly is a description of my tendencies, not my current relationship styles. At many times, I've been in relationships where I wasn't interested in anyone else. I've always been choosy and never had a strong need to be in romantic relationships at all.
 
I do think that single poly are cheaters,but I do know quite a number of people at my job are not married ,or fifteen present are devorce and are living a misserable life,there are quiet a few of them that are still having affair,may be once a week with other coworkers,men on mem ,women on women and all other ways you may think about,but the third or single who is attached to a couple prefer to have their own apartment and still want their own freedom,I even ask a view of them why they will not be together and their reply is that they still need their freedom which they are accustom to .

This is very confusing.

Do you mean that the single people are cheaters because they're having relationships with married people who are cheating on their spouses with the single folk?
 
Bofish

Just because your metamour doesn't want to be a part of your marriage, it doesn't mean she wants your marriage or a marriage at all. You're projecting your needs onto her. Your problem is the division of childcare and housework. Sort that with him. Dont do that thing where you blame her and anyone remotely like her.

Reason i wouldn't date most married poly guys? Wives like you. No offence.
 
I think it can be easy to play the field as a young single, but most people eventually are looking for Mr or Ms Right and seem to become serial monogamists, or end up getting serious and settling down with one person.

However, I do know of some young people that attempt to practice ethical polyamory, but have a hard time with it, because one is still getting to know oneself in the 20's, and trying to learn how to be a good partner. So, doing relationships with two or more others can go very badly since they don't have their communication skills down yet, and in fact can be quite conflict-avoidant.
 
London?n

Whoooo London!

There's a lot of assumptions there.

I am going BASED ON THINGS THAT HIS GF TOLD ME. She has complained a lo about wanting a primary, children. and putting pressure on my husband.

I don't want her to be part of my family, but some appreciation would be nice. A note once in awhile to say thanks for watching the kid so we can hang out, a cup of coffee, offering to watch the pets while we are out of town. Certianly not required, but those are just functions of empathy and kindness. I AM doing something for my husband, but, really, also for her too.

Wives like me? Wives like me ask their husbands when the GF is moving because she has a business trip planned, but wants to be around so that my husband can help her move. That's az "bad" wife like me.

All that said, I don't think all these actions are maniacal. I think in some cases people DO use poly as a way to avoid intimacy. I see this in my H GF, i see it in myself! To consider the act ions of others and be empathetic, some times takes a lot a self-security that many people don't have. But, as I said before, I aim to learn how to be selfish!
 
You want housework/child care exchange with your h's gf too? She has no obligation to watch your kid or your pets or anything else. Some partners do share household care. My current bf happens to enjoy helping me and miss pixi around the house, lifting heavy things like a man. But I've had plenty of previous lovers who had no interest in that at all. I don't think you can put that expectation on your h's gf. Maybe you'll find a bf or gf who will help you with childcare and household maintenance someday. That could be on YOUR wish list, but it's not something your h's gf is required to do for YOU! I sure don't expect my bf Ginger's current wife, or 2 others to do anything around MY house! lol
 
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