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Old 05-24-2012, 04:32 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36
Default Mourning breakups that aren't mine

I suspect this may have been brought up here before...just call me lazy for not doing a search...I can take it.

My hubs and his gal broke up early last week. (Logically, I could see how it might have been coming since she identifies as mono and wasn't comfortable talking issues out). I find myself in this really weird place where I am mourning the loss of their relationship. I adore my metamour and enjoyed watching the relationship and the two involved grow and evolve. (I also really liked that I had some pressure taken off of me by their relationship). Now that it is over I (selfishly) find myself really mourning. This is a weird place to be. I think that the friendship will be strong enough to stand so that is a comfort. But, I can't help but feel this "damn, this sucks" thing.

I think I am taking this breakup a lot harder than the two involved....am I just weird or what?!

I'm not looking for advice. Just wanted to share.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:10 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,976

Thank you for sharing!

I think this points to the fact that, even if people keep their poly relationships "separate", things can't help but spill over into the other relationships in some circumstances. (Not saying that your relationships were separate, just saying that each person is a whole person and who they are with and their other relationships are part of the whole "them")

For me, MrS and I had a huge fight one day (not over a poly-topic), poor Dude got caught in the cross-fire - I was so wrapped up in my marital drama that I (unfortunately and wrongly) told him to "get out" - I couldn't deal with his stuff and my stuff with hubs at the same time. Lucky for me he negotiated to stay and was really instrumental in me and MrS figuring our shit out.

As to taking it harder than the two involved people - it's ok, really. You all had good thing going on, your poly bubble got burst - it's ok to mourn. Hopefully you can support them both through this time - who else is in a better position to do so?

Not advice, just support.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 05-25-2012, 03:52 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36

Thanks JaneQ.
We are all readjusting. I expect this will just take time.
Sadly, Hubby is clinging so tightly to me right now that I just have to breathe my way through it. I have to remind myself that if he chooses not to put his heart out there again that it is his choice, not mine. He really worked hard to meet everyone elses needs and I think he is pretty exhausted....I suspect that his desire to please others blindsided him making sure his own needs were met. Gee, no wonder he has no desire to go out there and risk it all again. Ironic chuckle.
I once read someone describe their other as too good not to share with deserving others. That really resonated with me. Obviously, I think this guy is the bomb (or why would I be with him?!). It makes me sad to see him hurt.

Sorry, just rambling here. Not sure exactly what I am trying to get out. I think that maybe a large part of the mourning has to do with fear that Hubs seems to want to just retreat back into mono. If that is what he needs, then that is what I will do in order to be supportive...but I really hope it doesn't turn out to be the case.

I have heard all the frustration and discouragement about how hard it is for a married male his age to meet and develop authentic connections of a romantic nature. I get what he has said, really. The irony is that he has been through 4 dating relationships since we started on this journey and I have been through one....not wanting anything more than friendship but figuring out that the other woman wanted more and that I needed to put my foot down firmly. I am having to play everything by the hearts ear right now and just let things be how they need to be.
I think in this last relationship he found out he really could be capable of loving more than one. He learned that and I'm very happy that he did. I was hoping he would find out that he really was capable of that. I knew that I was fully capable of loving that way to begin with. This opening up journey has been the best thing we ever did because we washed away the stench of stagnation and started growing again. Sometimes growth involves spasms but I believe that they are worth the pain.
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