Serious case of advice about reaching compersion

BillNIndy

Member
I'm in a poly Vee where my metamour and I cannot get along. We both have resentment towards each other.

This is so hard on our girlfriend and is causing her extreme stress. This is something I'm sure that neither "Jack" or myself want for our love.

Hearing from our girlfriend, Jack has decided to let go of the past. He wants to move forward. The three of have started to see a poly friendly counselor. (Not as a Vee, but as both halves separately)

I have thought of an idea so that we can (well, to be honest, I can. It is not fair for me to speak for Jack) work on compersion between us. I have offered to give up some of my time on our amours days with me so that he can come over, have dinner, maybe either talk about social issues (light comversation) or watch a movie as a group, it could help our relationship become more social or cordial at least. "Jill" could feel what polyamory should feel like and not this being pulled emotionally by two guys who don't really like each other. She could lay her head on one lap and feet on the other and get a mini massage while watching a movie or talking.

At the end of the time, the person's night whose it was to be with Jill (me in this instance) would sleep over and the other partner either sleep in the spare room, on the couch or (after some time and work has been done) possibly in the same bed.

If this cycle continued for some time, I would think it would become easier on everyone to talk about anything that is more serious because we will have rebuilt at least some comfort level of communication.

Now, we are (Jack and I) completely straight. But we both are madly in love with the same woman and if we don't start getting along soon either Jill is going to dump one or both of us. She is so stressed.

Any thoughts on my idea here? Keep in mind this would be with continuous polyship counseling as well.
 
Why do you amd your metamore need to be around each other at all? Seems to me if you guys don't like each other then avoiding each other would be best.

What are the two of you doing to stress her out? Why not just enjoy your time with her and not talk about her other partner.
 
Now, we are (Jack and I) completely straight. But we both are madly in love with the same woman and if we don't start getting along soon either Jill is going to dump one or both of us. She is so stressed.

I'm with Inyourendo, what exactly is the issue with you and your metamour (her boyfriend) not being buddies?

Failing that concept, what is it that you and your metamour are doing to make her life miserable? Can you just stop doing that and maybe be nice?

I don't understand what the problem is exactly.
 
My husbands really do not spend any time together unless it is a special event for my children. The kids are biologically Butch's but they are close to Murf. They want their entire family at their special events.

Why do you think you need to be buddies with your girlfriend's other boyfriend?
 
OP - are you still living with her or have you moved into your own place since your metamour lost his shit?

Honestly you are trying to hard and this hinge needs to step up & deal with her husband without your involvement. The husband doesn't want poly so being in his face (to be buddies) won't work unless he desires it. It doesn't seem like he's ready for that now he's not so bat shit crazy.

I realize you love her but sometimes letting go shows them how much you truly care. Not saying end it but I don't see this situation of yours changing for the better until the hinge can be honest with all of you. If its hard on her she needs to really figure out if being poly with a mono-psycho spouse is what she desires.
 
i find merit in what others have said, but I also think it would be worth trying your idea as well. I would much prefer your vision of the relationship to a more divided form (even if those are also perfectly acceptable). I guess whether or not your idea works, really depends on how the other two feel about it.
 
I am the hinge of a V between two men who generally tolerate each other and nothing more. Dh did not want poly AND resented bf.
We all live together (have for over 10 yrs).
We tried what you are describing and it was an utter clusterfuck. Worse- it did NOT result in me feeling anything but MORE miserable. Because I could FEEL the fakeness from both of them.

I suggest backing off of trying to do/be anything with her other partner & focus on NOT making her miserable on "your" time. It is ultimately her job to place boundaries on what type of treatment she will tolerate in any given relationship, but I would abstain from participating in whatever activity you perceive as being one in which you are making her miserable.
If HE is making her miserable, that is between them and none of your business. It would likely be beneficial to gently remind her if she vents to you; that while you love and adore her, you cannot help her with him. She needs to discuss their issues with him.
 
I took a look at your other posts, too, and not only this thread, and my advice is based on all of that.

Seems to me like you have this strong ideal about "how a polyship SHOULD work". And your ideal is not in line with the reality.

This is my understanding of your ideal world (please correct me if I am wrong):

  • You would want to be friends with your metamour.
  • You'd like children of both families to be able to interact and get to know everyone involved.
  • You'd want to be respected by your metamour.
  • You'd like to the whole polyship to work together towards the well-being and happiness of everyone involved.
  • You do not want to feel "secondary" in your GF's life.

All of those are good ideals, IMHO. But, they are ideals and they do not *need* to be the reality.

My advice to you in your situation is: Try to concentrate on building your relationship with your girlfriend. Let your metamour be, and reduce the contact with him. Give him time!! In the meantime try to take the best out of the time you have with your girlfriend, be happy with her and be happy for her happiness. THAT is compersion.

IMO it is well enough for a poly person to care about their partner's happiness. To care about the happiness and well-being of a metamour is definitely nice, but not necessary. You could stop forcing yourself on your metamour and concentrate on your partner.

While you might want this "big happy poly family" -type arrangement, it definitely looks like your metamour does not want that, and it is your job to respect his boundaries.
 
I'm not friends with my metamour, I'm polite when I see him but I don't see any reason to go out of my way to be his "buddy." Perhaps if we had met prior to my relationship with his wife we could have been friends, but that didn't happen. Sense I have been with my lover she has made some attempts to get the meta and I to hang out or even mused living together, but honestly that only caused some tension as I think we both felt things were being forced on us. If something happens organically then so be it, but forcing something to happen is never a good plan.

My relationship is with her not my metamour.
 
My metamour really, REALLY wanted to be close, sisterly friends with me. Especially since we all get together somewhat regularly to talk about how the relationship itself is going (bringing up problems in an effort to resolve them, etc.), she felt that this level of communication indicated a close friendship.

Except, it didn't.

I can communicate til my face turns blue with damn near anyone, although I'll usually TRY to pick my conversation to suit my audience. :eek: This level of communication was necessary, not because I felt close to her.

In addition, I just didn't click with her as a close friend. Period.

This led to a LOT of stress on both sides, her feeling upset when she interpreted my talking followed by lack of contact as an emotional push/pull (and felt like she didn't know where we stood), and me feeling pressured to be BFFs with her, and upset when it seemed like every get-together was a milestone toward "being besties". All that pressure does is make me dig my heels in even more - I want to go at my own pace, not be dragged into something I'm not ready for, and may not even be interested in.

Just let it be. You will be what you will be, and I'm not trying to be facetious about that. Once she and I just decided to let it be, the majority of that stress just *disappeared*. She's not looking for me to be her BFF, and I'm not feeling pressured to feel something that I don't, or constantly thinking that every get-together is followed up with "are we besties now?!"

You and he share a love for your GF, not each other. You may end up being friends, you may not, but you don't HAVE to be friends because your GF is a common link between the two of you.
 
YouAreHere, I thought you'd have a word to say to this one :) I appreciate your point of view! Because, reading your posts in the early stages of my MFM Vee made me take it easier with my guys. Thank you!

My husband was reluctant to meet my other interests, he told me he does not want to. I was a bit worried about that, but then - I can't force him. The same applied when I first got together with Mark. Them two only met each other after CJ was ready for it and initiated it himself.

I have expressed a wish for them two to be in each other's company and communicate to each other only after the thought of us all moving in together was out in the air. THAT was the time when there was a *need* to find out how well they actually get along with each other. All the tests have been done and very soon we will live under one roof.

Had I been forcing things between them, this probably would never have happened. Now, they were free to move with the pace of the slowest, and it is evolving naturally. Mark has gained CJ's respect gradually, and vice versa.
 
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Does this mean I now have a rep? Holy moley! :D


Just to address the OP's "Compersion" thing too - it can sometimes be an elusive thing. I don't get that gooshy feeling that many people equate to compersion; at the most, I end up glad my partner had a good time, but that's it.

Seeing a counselor is a fine idea, but the idea of giving up some of your time together with your GF to foster compersion may not give you the result you're looking for. If he's not interested, or worse - if he feels manipulated - then you (and he) could end up feeling resentful when all is said and done.

Any idea you have for fostering compersion, OP, should be done for yourself. Regardless of whether or not he does something similar (or even wants to), then doing it for yourself will be for the right reason, and not for a reason that'll just breed resentment if you don't feel he's holding up his end of the bargain.
 
All good points and a lot to think about. I appreciate everyone's input. Maybe for now we keep up the counseling and see how that goes. I just know in my heart that I am ready for compersion. I know that he is not. He still pulls at her and digs at me when they are together. When she tells me these things, it makes me feel like 1) He doesn't deserve her, she's way too good to be treated like that and 2) How am I supposed to feel HAPPY that they are together.

I think that if we can cut out the personal attacks and just focus on individual relationships, it would be perfect. I just think that for the long haul (which we all have in mind) that maybe not a "friendship" but at least a line of open communication without bitterness between the two of us would be much more ideal.
 
All good points and a lot to think about. I appreciate everyone's input. Maybe for now we keep up the counseling and see how that goes. I just know in my heart that I am ready for compersion. I know that he is not. He still pulls at her and digs at me when they are together. When she tells me these things, it makes me feel like 1) He doesn't deserve her, she's way too good to be treated like that and 2) How am I supposed to feel HAPPY that they are together.

Maybe it would help you to ask your GF to not tell you when he makes negative comments about you? I'm not sure why she'd tell you this, except maybe to vent to someone who understands the situation? The problem is, all this does is play you against each other, and it would benefit her to find another friend to vent to.

I know that I've asked to not be included in discussions or Facebook posts that would bother me, or foster resentment. I used to try to push through it because I "shouldn't" feel that way, but only a software engineer tries the same thing multiple times and hopes for different results. ;)

Don't feel like you can't remove yourself from a situation that negatively impacts you. Sometimes, removing yourself from the situation *is* the right action.
 
All good points and a lot to think about. I appreciate everyone's input. Maybe for now we keep up the counseling and see how that goes. I just know in my heart that I am ready for compersion. I know that he is not. He still pulls at her and digs at me when they are together. When she tells me these things, it makes me feel like 1) He doesn't deserve her, she's way too good to be treated like that and 2) How am I supposed to feel HAPPY that they are together.

I think that if we can cut out the personal attacks and just focus on individual relationships, it would be perfect. I just think that for the long haul (which we all have in mind) that maybe not a "friendship" but at least a line of open communication without bitterness between the two of us would be much more ideal.

[YouAreHere is on it!] So the problem is that she's reporting his actions to you and it is stressing you out. If that's the case then just tell her you no longer want to hear about his toxic nonsense.

Problem solved.

On the other hand, if this guy hates your guts I don't see why you would stay attached to the idea of spending more time with him. And not to put too fine a point on it, but I'd be hesitant to date someone who is interested in someone who is openly antagonistic to her relationship with me. Personally I would start spending less time with her as well because it doesn't sound like she's really interested in maintaining positive relations with you. To each his own, but that would be a warm colored flag to me and I'd keep a pretty close eye on my expectations for our relationship.
 
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