Just LR

Oh so excited for you!! Congratulations and I hope your feeling better!
 
Great Relationships

I was reading a post about forgiveness, written by a poly-acquaintance on fb.
He was talking about how important it is that both parties be focused on the future in terms of "having a great relationship" (whatever TYPE of relationship that may be).

It got me thinking.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

A few months ago, ok almost a year, I was whining and pissing and moaning about the unfairness of xyz thing Maca was doing. Some of his behaviors were BASED UPON his continued passive-aggressive "punishment" of me for having an affair.
But-it had been 3 years and he knew fully (and acknowledged clearly) that not only had the situation changed, but I had changed and there was no doubt in his mind that I was not going to lie to him or repeat any of those hurtful things again.

Several people commented-but the one that struck me then was from Galagirl (i'm not quoting, I'm not going to go search for it). She basically asked me when I was going to expect that Maca stop punishing me, when was I going to expect that forgiven meant it was done and the punishment done?
There are consequences, some will last forever. But punishment isn't the same as consequence.

I sat down with Maca and told him that I was done being the scapegoat for all the issues that arose in our family. That I had paid the price for my "crimes" and we needed to either end or truly "start new". No more manipulative shit-talking about how much I had hurt him when he was meeting new women, no more holding me to stricter rules than himself etc.

This all goes along with the more recent post I read about forgiveness.

Because-when we had that conversation, Maca admitted that he wasn't even THINKING about his actions, the sneaky, nastiness that came when he was hurt, had become HABIT and he was doing it "naturally" without intention or thought.
He stopped.
We both started focusing on "what ARE we building together" instead of "what did we do to fuck up what we WERE building together".

THAT is what finally pushed us over the edge of "poly but miserable after mono misery" to "poly and happy".

We had to STOP analyzing, STOP thinking it over, STOP processing the bs, STOP reacting from PRIOR pain and fear, STOP living in the past and
START focusing on just enjoying our time together
START focusing on dating each other (not without dating others)
START focusing on loving each other
START focusing on making a future together-starting TODAY.


Too often, we (as people) fluctuate between two extremes. In this case, we either don't process anything and go through life on auto-pilot OR we spend so much time processing negative emotions, that we don't leave ourselves room for ENJOYING WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW.

It's important to remind ourselves-that there is a reason we are together-and it isn't so that we can analyze our faults 24/7.
Enjoy the day. Stop to smell the flowers sure, but don't forget to also enjoy the whole scene!
Say you are sorry, be honest when you are hurt, but don't focus on the hurt to the point where it can't heal.
If you keep picking a scab... it keeps bleeding.
LEAVE THE SCAB ALONE after you have ensured the cut is cleaned out!
Let it heal while you are making new, happy memories.
 
I needed to read that. :)
 
Then, I am glad that you did. :)

It is always eye opening when we find some small change we can make that has huge implications in our lives
and
so nice when we look back and realize how far we've come.
:)
 
Great elaboration on the subject, more topic fodder for me to chew on, thank you!
 
$$$$

I guess I am a little odd.
I don't give a hot damn about $.
Maca has a good job in his career of choice. I am happy for him in that. But, if he lost his job and $ became an issue-it wouldn't upset me. Yes, it is nice that we are now at a point where we are actually investing in the future, not wondering what brand of ramen we can buy or what interesting conglamerations of groceries the foodbank will hand out this week.

But I didn't consider income when I decided to be with him. I could be working and if I needed to scrub toilets to feed my family, I would.

Unfortunately-the side effect is; I fucking resent his job, employer, boss (hunting buddy & friend as well) when they send him on out of town work-and don't bother to bring him home for the days he can't work (like 3 day holiday weekends).
It flat fucking pisses me off & frankly makes me want to tell him to quit.
I don't tell him that. But I FEEL like telling him that and if it were ME, I WOULD quit.
You want me to leave my family for a job-you damn well better be paying me for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I AM AWAY FROM THEM. Cause I am NOT wasting lost time for FREE.
 
Going Good

Things are going good with us.
Maca had to work out of town all of May. :(
He's home for the month of June. But, he will be gone the entire month of July and most of August as well. :(

Spicy Pea and family are all doing well, finally settling in with the new baby. They signed closing paperwork today on a house. They should get the keys on Monday. :)

Sour Pea has been having some attitude problems. She's on "mommy arrest" meaning that she has to be with me 24/7 or in her bedroom. It's helping-but damn it's annoying. Upside-I'm not in school for the summer, so I CAN devote the time to doing this without it crunching other areas of our lives.
 
YES VERY MUCH SO!
We're making good progress. BUT OMG! I am READY FOR A BREAK!
I did get away from her for a little while yesterday-helping Spicy Pea move in to her own place. Sour Pea managed very well and stayed on track.

However-this morning first thing (as if she had to re-test because I had been gone), she specifically asked me if she could wake Little P up at 7am. I said NO, you need to go take a shower, he will be up in a little bit.
She said ok and I love you, walked out of the room, straight up the stairs (not realizing I can HEAR where she walks) and into his room, woke him up and started playing.
I came up the stairs and told her to go to her room-she just lost all privileges for the day (LAME since I was planning to take them all to the lake). She's confined to her room for the day, no radio, no movies, no cd books, no friends.

Which, I suppose gives me somewhat of a break from her. But-it also means LP lost his playmate for the day and he's heartbroken. There are so many things they can do together, but he can't physically do on his own and I can't do either (like the trampoline) and bike.

Joys of learning where the boundaries are. I can't even be ROYALLY PISSED-cause she's SO MUCH LIKE ME. My dad calls me a person who has to piss on the electric fence to see if it's turned on. :/
 
Joys of learning where the boundaries are. I can't even be ROYALLY PISSED-cause she's SO MUCH LIKE ME. My dad calls me a person who has to piss on the electric fence to see if it's turned on. :/

OK, trying to picture how a girl goes about pissing on and electric fence :eek: :D

My oldest son and I are like gasoline and a lit match add in the firecrackers of teenager... He an I are exactly alike and it brings back memories of my dad and I :eek:. Then again, my youngest and my husband are very much alike - silent defiance instead of verbal confrontation, which I don't deal well with :rolleyes:.

It's days like this that you question your sanity in wanting children. Then that same demon possessed child will do something so sweet it makes you cry.
 
If you piss on an electric fence, that won't send the current up the stream. I saw an exhibit about this some years back at the Museum of Science. THey put a stream of water in a strobe-lit chamber and showed how it is not really a solid stream of water but lots of little droplets that are so close together your eyes can't distinguish where one ends and the others begin. And even if it was a solid stream, you wouldn't get the electrons to travel up it because once the urine hits the surface the molecules and ions fall down and don't get back up.

So piss on the electric fence as much as you want. you won't hurt anything.
 
water by itself won't conduct electricity

It has to have some dissolved minerals in it and I don't know if you've been around electric fences much, but there is a world of difference between the shock you feel pissing on the fence as compared to pissing on it with a good ground. For example, some fences have metal stakes with a good couple of feet of the stake driven into the ground, a firm grip on such a good ground delivers such a more powerful jolt that it often causes involuntary urination. So if your already peeing on it when it happens (which it will deliver a shock, esp with a firm grip on a good ground) it'd be like killing one bird with two stones.

Although most shoot for the occurrence the other way around
 
Yabbut...

...did you know that if you stick your tongue into a live wall receptacle, NOTHING HAPPENS? Try it and let me know if I'm right. I'll wait here.
 
Asshole!

I could have just died I hope you know, I just glad I didn't use my tongue, I should have asked Maca before listening to you. I have to go now as the shock was so severe it burnt my hand. Sometimes I like typing one handed, but this isn't one of those times. If my vision doesn't return to normal within a few hours I'll be back to exchange insurance info because i am going to file a claim (and I already have a screen shot to prove there was NO smiley or anything to indicate sarcasm, not cool) :)
 
Last edited:
OK, I have to tell everyone my big secret.

Me and dirtclustit are the same person.

Dirtclustit and I, I mean.

I will stop posting in this thread now. Sorry LR.
 
Last edited:
I came up the stairs and told her to go to her room-she just lost all privileges for the day (LAME since I was planning to take them all to the lake). She's confined to her room for the day, no radio, no movies, no cd books, no friends.

Not even books, LR? What is she supposed to do all day, just stare into space? Just asking out of curiosity.
 
Oh no no no. She has LOTS of books (hundreds). No cd books, audio books. ;) Basically, no electronics.

She had her legos, her billions of books, her craft stuff (she likes to bead and do perler bead projects), coloring books, etc.
Just no electronics.

At any rate-that had a comical consequence (comical for me). She has been reading for a couple of months-but she doesn't BELIEVE she can read yet. But-having no electronics got boring (as you noted). I checked on her every little bit and her brother went down to talk to her several times about how she feels and what she can do to avoid being in trouble etc (they actually have an AMAZINGLY wonderful relationship).
Anyway-I go to check on her and I hear her sounding out a word-so I stop, out of view and listen. She figures out the word and goes on to read through the page in one of her books, and kept going-through the book. I just smiled and listened in on her as she read out loud to herself.

Later, she informed me, "well there is ONE good thing about getting in trouble mom."
Me-"really? What is that?" (in a not highly impressed tone of voice)
Her-"well-I figured out how to read and so now I can read my books by myself even if no one else wants to read them!"
I contained my giggles and told her I was glad she learned to do that-that was very good. But, just maybe she could learn cool things without the getting in trouble part and that would be better for everyone!

Today-a friend from high school popped in. She sat and talked to him (he's a great kid person) and told him exactly why she got in trouble. He asked her if she misunderstood me. She said, "no. I knew she told me no, but I just didn't like it and I didn't think she would come check." She went on to tell him that she wasn't going to do that anymore-that I ALWAYS know when she does something wrong and that is SO annoying!
She went into great detail about why its important to listen to what your parents say, obey their instructions (even if you don't understand WHY). He gave her all sorts of "what if..." and she had the perfect response every time. It was so adorable!

Anyway-I think this particular growing up moment has been managed quickly and fairly easily.
All things said-as much as I hate going through the difficult steps-it's SO NICE that the kids learn so well when things are calm, clear-cut, drama-free and basic. :) It makes parenting so much easier and it makes life so much more fun!
 
Back
Top