Just LR

Yes-emotional ordeal.
Thankfully-he's not bottling it. He's reaching out and that's not his norm. So I am happy about that.

He's a good guy. I can't imagine.
 
It is easy for me to look at someone who is hot as hell and not go there-because unless they are making themselves vulnerable to me, showing me their insides, showing me their weaknesses (which so few people really do) my sex drive doesn't even get triggered.
^I am the exact same way.
 
Friday was a friend's b-day party. We went as a family. Maca was "off" the whole time we were there. I could tell something was wrong-but he kept saying he was fine. FINALLY after we were home in bed he played a song that was CLEARLY regarding the 25 year old. I asked what that was about and he said it was from her. I asked if that is what his issue was all evening and he admitted he'd been paranoid she would show up because the restaurant we were at is one she frequents. SIGH.

The next morning we had a coffee date planned. So we got up and headed out. At the corner I asked where he wnated to go (I don't drink coffee). He didn't care. So I drove to my favorite spot. On the way he asked where I was going (totally out of the way) and I told him that I was going to the place I like-because I like it and she doesn't frequent it (like the one he usually goes to) and I wanted to enjoy our date, not worry about her showing up. He agreed that was a good idea.
I told him, calmly, quietly that it hurt my feelings he would lie to me AGAIN at dinner. He said he didn't want to bring her up during the bday party and get me "riled up" emotionally.
I pointed out that by telling me he was fine-when he CLEARLY was not-I was riled up with worry for him anyway and wondering if I did something to upset him.
That I NEED his honesty and while I know that means sometimes hearing what I don't want to hear- honesty is more important to me than hearing good things only.

He shared that he'd been having this paranoia since early Thursday about running into her and that he played the song because he knew I would ask what it was about and he didn't know how to bring it up.
SIGH SIGH SIGH.

I don't know how to make it ANY MORE CLEAR that I just want straight forward, honest communication without the games.
We had a nice coffee-then browsed a local gift shop, went to Lowe's got materials for the bathroom and returned home. He worked on the bathroom while GG and I went to the college to volunteer for the Haunted Halloween.

Last night I had screwed up (not completely unrealistic) dreams about Maca lying to me, the 25 year old fucking with me etc.
They were just dreams.
I woke moody, feeling insecure and on edge.

He invited me to go to coffee. That was nice. We made love and then I got up to take a shower. He said he would wait for me "I prefer to just get up and go get my coffee". (this is generally true).
So, I got in the shower and the dreams meshed with the moment and emotions went into overdrive.
I got defensively frustrated-because it's also true that when he was meeting her for coffee, he did get up, take a shower and make sure he was sexified.
Competition-no good.
I re-centered my mind on other topics.
We had breakfast instead-it was nice. Then went to Home Depot and got materials to work on the bathroom (remodel).
Came home. I took a break in bed after giving GG an attitude (no reason). Got a handle on myself.
The cycle repeated all day. Fighting the devil of thoughts going round in my head. Very frustrating.
Now-I'm up when I should be asleep because I can't fall asleep. Midterms in the morning. :(

So-this evening I read Galagirls blog and clicked through links and read those, shared some of it on my personal blog and am still here..... in thought.
 
I told him, calmly, quietly that it hurt my feelings he would lie to me AGAIN at dinner. He said he didn't want to bring her up during the bday party and get me "riled up" emotionally.
I pointed out that by telling me he was fine-when he CLEARLY was not-I was riled up with worry for him anyway and wondering if I did something to upset him.

I don't get it either. I'm constantly struggling with this type of thing and it drives me ape-shit. Hell, even a simple "I'm feeling off, can we talk about it later?" is WAY better than "fine" when their not. My husband is convinced that his body language, attitude, etc should be ignored once he says there is nothing wrong :rolleyes:. Why can't they get it, when they say one thing, but act contrary, it sets all the alarms and insecurities off. They need better acting coaches :p.
 
Communicate directly with me damn it

ARGH!

We have a SMALL poly-group in our area. There is a meet-up that I RSVP'd to about a month ago.
Anyway, last night, the 25 yo texts Maca to tell him she's planning to go to it-and saw i had RSVP'd already, implied that I should cancel. Didn't specifically request-just implied.

I am SO ANNOYED.

First-she saw I RSVP'd-so if she has concerns-FUCKING MESSAGE ME on MEET UP!
Not text Maca (who isn't on Meet up and didn't RSVP etc).

She knows damn good and well we are poly AND that I have another FULL TIME LOVER-so it isn't rocket science that I may have RSVP'd for he and I.
OR
I may have RSPV'd for MYSELF (which I did) with the potential intent of meeting others.

Furthermore-she claims to be poly and if she has some concern regarding ME she needs to bring it to ME.

We're married-but he's not my damn answering machine.

Fucking CHILDISH BULLSHIT.

So-in large part-I don't want to go. Because it's a small group-under 20 people, probably closer to 10. And I'm SO FUCKING ANNOYED with her behavior.
On the other hand-if I just cancel, I'm allowing her communication through him to work and I'm also allowing her to isolate me from the community....

SIGH.

Thoughts are welcomed.
You can feel free to tell me to just move to Seattle or better yet Victoria where I could socialize in larger groups of poly-peeps. :)
 
Why don't you just go anyway? Fuck HER.
 
Go to your meetup as planned.

If she's doing silly childish -- let her. It is not your prob until it is your prob -- ie: she comes to you direct.

GG
 
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On the other hand-if I just cancel, I'm allowing her communication through him to work and I'm also allowing her to isolate me from the community....
You've already solved this one, but for the future always remember this:
There are certain people / groups [police, judges...] who have certain power over us whatever we do. But even with them - and ESPECIALLY with others [who DON'T have this legally-constituted right to interfere] the DEGREE to which they have power over us depends largely on how much power we ALLOW them to have over us.

If she's implied that you should back out because she wants to be there, and you walk in and socialise, show that you're having a great time, and act like you don't give a FUCK whether she's there or not... then YOU've won, Lady!

[Anarchism has a very bad rep over there in the USA (worse than Communism). But the bottom line of Anarchism is basically this: "I will not allow anybody to walk all over me... and I refuse to walk all over anybody else". It's not about guys in black capes hiding bombs: it's the most respectful policital ideal of all. (Of course, there are some louts who CALL themselves anarchists who haven't got a clue what it's really about and give the rest of us a bad name. For the record, anybody who calls themself anarchist and is down on polyamory has got their head up their arse.)]

Have a great time! :):):) :)cool::cool::cool:) and let her :eek::eek::eek:.
 
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In this situation I might take the "clueless" route and pretend like I had no idea why she texted Maca about me being there and didn't recognize the implied request to cancel. Play it like she MUST have just been texting Maca to double-check that I was still going, or something- because of course you have every right to be there and there's absolutely no reason for her to think that her opinion of you attending would at all affect your decision to go! If you can hide the completely understandable annoyance and put on a face of, "Well of course I'm here! Why wouldn't I be, silly!" then it makes her look like the idiot she is without you having to point it out to her. Win! :)
 
I do intend to go. My sister is going with me. Maca is not going for a variety of reasons, but the primary one is that she will be in attendance.

I usually am very good at being social and friendly regardless of my feelings for the company (lots of practice with family).

I aim to be just that, my normal friendly self. There are, at present, 11 people going. So, it undoubtedly will be interesting.

I did find out after my post that she's been talking to the group at large about the situation from her perspective (essentially that I'm a psycho with the added fuel of being a possessive and controlling wife). THAT I found out via one of the key co-organizers for the group at large (not this particular get together). Sigh...

A friend said to me, "LR, just go and be yourself it will become evident quickly that the stories are untrue and people will get to know you and it will be fine."

Which I aim to do.
But, I admit it does irritate me that I am in the position of having to prove myself to people with a preconceived and FALSE idea of who I am on account of Maca's b.s. with this girl. :(
I said as much to him. He acknowledged and accepted that with an apology and notation that it never occurred to him how far reaching into MY personal life his words to her could find their way. One can only hope he understands that now.
He offered to go talk to the group-but I told him that was ridiculous and wouldn't actually help anything. They will find out who I am more clearly just by my participation. He is welcome to participate, but him defending me against her words isn't going to paint a better picture at all.
He didn't understand why, but accepted that was my opinion and my preference.
 
Keep in mind that although she is talking, that doesn't mean people are listening. Go, be yourself. It will be fine.

And if not, some non-consensual smacking! (99% kidding on the latter. Keep that 1% in your back pocket though.)
 
hehehehe, I will just VISUALIZE the smacking part. :) LOL!

I can be pretty imaginative-and that will help me have a REALLY sincere smile on my face all evening! LOL!
 
I just wanted to say LR, that I haven't been contributing much, but I want to commend you on your patience with this. Utter BS.
 
Thanks. I try to be patient. I admit-sometimes it means a LOT of time spent sitting in the shower mulling over WTF. Other times, that doesn't work and I come on here and write a book about WTF. But, for the most part, I try to be patient and work through figuring out the solution.
The worst part of dealing with people is that it's impossible to simply fix an issue-because they have to want to fix it too.
:rolleyes:
 
Going along. Slow but steady.

I've been busily struggling with school-productively, but still work.

Maca and I have been working on a few specifics-but I'm not clear headed enough today to write them out clearly.

We attended a couple meetups locally. That went well. There was some drama with it-but nothing major and it all worked out. Just anxiety issues.

GG and I got a date in last week and that was nice too.

Small steps.
 
So bizarre.
So, yesterday I got a third request to add "her" to the private poly fb group I started.
I had already ignored the previous two.
This time I asked Maca for her number and sent her a text. I let her know it was my group and that I had received the requests, but was under the impression she didn't want to to have anything to do with me or my life-thus why I hadn't approved it.

She replied with a wordy response basically saying she wanted to be able to socialize with her poly friends on fb.

I replied and let her know that if she wanted to meet for coffee to discuss the conflict and contention between us, we could then discuss her joining the group. If she preferred not to meet, I thought it best that we avoid intermixing our socializing insomuch as possible in such a small town. Adding that I would respect her choice either way.

Haven't heard a word since. I suspect that there will be fallout-but I'm confident that my response was reasonable and respectful while still maintaining my personal boundaries.

Two weeks ago my sister and I attended a local meet-up poly meeting & enjoyed meeting some new people. One of the people we met will be coming over this weekend with her kids to have lunch and make s'mores over the campfire in our yard. :) There's no romantic interest, just looking forward to enjoyable friendly conversation and socializing without the myriad explanations about our lifestyle. :)

Last weekend, on Saturday Maca, GG and I attended a meet up I organized at a local coffee shop. There were 4 other people who showed up as well. We enjoyed a nice two hour conversation about all sorts of things from being out, to our kids education to hunting and fishing. It was very relaxing and fun. :) One of the ladies is interested in being a walking partner with me. :) So we are working on figuring out schedules so we can start walking together. :) VERY COOL.

Sunday my sister, GG, Maca and myself attended another meet up in town-and it was PACKED! We met some people, but the awkward part was the interest in us personally. There were so many questions aimed directly at us regarding our specific family dynamics and lifestyle. It wasn't bad-but it was bizarre.

Next weekend we have another coffee meet-up out here that we've organized. ;)
 
Things are going well.
The new poly group is going very well.
We've agreed to an every other Saturday coffee meet up and so far that has been AMAZING. 20 people roughly. :)

Today was bizarre.
I created an event for New Years a few days ago.
Today I got back on the event to update "location".
It CLEARLY identifies me (by full name and picture of my face) as the person organizing the event.

The drama queen is the first (and only until this evening) person who had RSVP'd.
I'm thinking-seriously? You can't even get motivated to answer a text or deal with me face to face-but you want to come to the event I am creating/organizing?

Rolled my eyes.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to stop her. I just find it ironic that she's continued bad-mouthing me, had a text temper tantrum with Maca (which I learned about today) over how my being in the poly community in Alaska has "forced her out". He told her she was full of shit-that I had never tried to force her out (in fact I created my own group so that I wouldn't be intruding on her poly-social group). She told him she had written up a "pissed off email" to me (regarding her not wanting me to be involved in the poly community here). Evidently he fairly rudely let her know she needed to fuck off.
:rolleyes:

At this point, I'm just watching with eyebrow raised.
As everyone suggested, I have just gotten involved and met people-and it's been a blast. Almost everyone I've met is new (as in, joined in the last 3 months new). So it's not even her group of "friends". There are a handful she knows.

One of the ones she knows, is the lady I met at the Pride Conference. :) She was the one who asked me to re-join the Poly Meet-up group in the first place. :)
Anyway, she and I are enjoying getting to know each other. She's been completely respectful of my VERY SLOW MOVING-albeit not secretive about the fact that she's interested in me.
She has made a point of meeting and talking with Maca and GG, as well. Something that I find endearing.

:)
 
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