For those of you with live-in primaries...

No, he NEVER told me that he had decided to meet her... just that she asked him out. He never said he accepted.
No, he did NOT come home and go to bed with me. We have slept seperatly since his "date" and after finding out he had sex with her, I am glad!

Guess I got it all wrong.


I hereby stand corrected ;)
 
This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed. :mad: He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.


I'm curious about what this means, if you two didn't share a bed after he returned from his "date". How would you know he was hitting snooze and why would that make you "give up trying to sleep", if you weren't sharing the same bed?

I am sorry if it sounds like I'm cross-examining you. I understand that you wrote these posts in an angry frame of mind, and I'm trying to make sense of it.
 
We share a very small apartment with very thin walls and his alarm is loud. I may have been angry when I was typing, but I am not stupid.
 
We share a very small apartment with very thin walls and his alarm is loud. I may have been angry when I was typing, but I am not stupid.

I didn't mean to imply that. I knew there must be an explanation, but you are not a mind-reader so how would I get the answer to my question unless I ask.

When the title has "live-in primary" in it and you speak of "going to bed" "hitting snooze" and "giving up on sleep", the most obvious conclusion for a reader to draw is that you share a bed. Furthermore, in your last post you say that you've slept separately SINCE his date, which implies that you slept in the same bed BEFORE this incident happened.

As I said before, I'm just trying to understand. I've been pelted before for "conjecture" and "jumping to conclusions", so I'm trying to avoid letting that happen here.

None of this excuses your boyfriend's inconsiderate behaviour though.
 
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So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)

Perhaps your description of poly is about respecting in a different way. About being connected beyond the moment, being committed to working stuff out so as to have a future together. To grow together and connect together beyond a moment; towards a common goal of being together. Of belonging in each others lives, as family members feel like they are part of a family?
 
So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)

I've said this before - I've always suspected that sometimes people call themselves "poly" so that they can sleep around and have it be considered a "noble" thing.

Not sure if this is what FF's boyfriend is doing, but I think that's what redpepper is trying to say here.
 
Well it wasn't really but I definitely would of said that in the past. Its what I used to call "dating" back in the day. Before I understodd the freedom that comes with commiting to others well being and sense of security in what I do. Sense of trust.

Now though, apparently, some people don't think we should take "ownership" of others and we should have complete freedom to do whatever regardless of others feelings about it. If they have feelings then that is their problem to work out. Not ours. They should muddle through and not yet and control or own.

Again, I hope I have that right. Its what I understood of what I heard from some poly people.
 
So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)

Perhaps your description of poly is about respecting in a different way. About being connected beyond the moment, being committed to working stuff out so as to have a future together. To grow together and connect together beyond a moment; towards a common goal of being together. Of belonging in each others lives, as family members feel like they are part of a family?

I am finding out this very much seems to be the case. :( We have a lot more talking to do.
 
I would highly recommend talking, in an active listening sense of the word. If you were able to arrange a time to talk about your relationship with your partner and decide beforehand to stick to the "rules" about taking turns talking and listening to each other, that might help a bit with diffusing angry feelings that come up.

Acknowledging anger when it happens is different from acting anger when it happens, by the way. Saying "this makes me feel very angry" is a good thing to communicate to a partner. Giving them the silent treatment or yelling at them is not so good. Believe me, I've done all of the above.. :)

For me, the two pillars of poly are communication and respect. If you don't have either of these for your partner AND for yourself, poly will be incredibly difficult if not impossible.

Try and remember that everyone has needs and emotions that they're scared of communicating for fear of being rejected. Fear is, I find, at the root of most relationship blockages, and if we can find the courage to open up enough to admit our fears to our partners and especially to ourselves, we bridge a huge gap in creating trust and intimacy with our loved ones.

Taking small steps to building trust might involve suggesting a "truce time" where you simply sit together and hold hands and appreciate the other person. After acknowledging you still have this connection, it might be easier to talk about some of the scary, difficult feelings you both have.
 
For me, the two pillars of poly are communication and respect. If you don't have either of these for your partner AND for yourself, poly will be incredibly difficult if not impossible.

Try and remember that everyone has needs and emotions that they're scared of communicating for fear of being rejected. Fear is, I find, at the root of most relationship blockages, and if we can find the courage to open up enough to admit our fears to our partners and especially to ourselves, we bridge a huge gap in creating trust and intimacy with our loved ones.

Great post. Must remember this one!:)
<<hugs>> to you FF88
 
I'm sorry you're going through this, Foxflame. It sounds like he's been very disrespectful of you. If this is his version of poly, how could a partner feel cared about and cherished?

Hang in there!


Anotherbo :(
 
Wow, a lot has happened since I last commented here. I thought I had updated, but I see I didn't.


It took a few more days (after my last post) for things to come to a head around here. The mountain of emotions that had been bearing on me came crashing down on Saturday evening. I had a complete breakdown and just SOBBED. I felt like all week long I was not getting through to him. I felt like I was unimportant and insignificant. He just sat and HELD me while I cried it all out. He just patiently waited for me to speak, and when I finally did, it was the first time since this all started that I TRULY felt like he was not only hearing me, but understanding. We talked and talked and talked... literally ALL NIGHT until the sun came up.

He always knew what I expected as far as open honest communication... but now he understands WHY it is so important to me. And as hurt as I was by his actions and lack of honesty about those actions, I understand why. As hurt as I was feeling, he confided how much HE was hurting knowing he was the cause of my pain. Most importantly, I am completely secure in believing that he will be completely open with me in the future.

As for HER... I agreed to let her come over for a visit. I wanted to keep an open mind, despite the bad circumstances in which she happened into our lives. I wanted to, at the very least, be on friendly terms with her so I could give him my blessing in going forward with her. That said, they BOTH agreed that things would only progress (between them) at a pace I could be comfortable with. For that, I have a lot of respect for them both... especially her. She is completely new to exploring poly.
 
Wow, a lot has happened since I last commented here. I thought I had updated, but I see I didn't.


It took a few more days (after my last post) for things to come to a head around here. The mountain of emotions that had been bearing on me came crashing down on Saturday evening. I had a complete breakdown and just SOBBED. I felt like all week long I was not getting through to him. I felt like I was unimportant and insignificant. He just sat and HELD me while I cried it all out. He just patiently waited for me to speak, and when I finally did, it was the first time since this all started that I TRULY felt like he was not only hearing me, but understanding. We talked and talked and talked... literally ALL NIGHT until the sun came up.

He always knew what I expected as far as open honest communication... but now he understands WHY it is so important to me. And as hurt as I was by his actions and lack of honesty about those actions, I understand why. As hurt as I was feeling, he confided how much HE was hurting knowing he was the cause of my pain. Most importantly, I am completely secure in believing that he will be completely open with me in the future.

As for HER... I agreed to let her come over for a visit. I wanted to keep an open mind, despite the bad circumstances in which she happened into our lives. I wanted to, at the very least, be on friendly terms with her so I could give him my blessing in going forward with her. That said, they BOTH agreed that things would only progress (between them) at a pace I could be comfortable with. For that, I have a lot of respect for them both... especially her. She is completely new to exploring poly.

Awesome!

So glad you two came to such a positive resolution with this.


Anotherbo :)
 
She and I have been chatting online A LOT. We've talked very candidly about everything. I told her how hurt I was, why, etc. She was very open with me, and expressed regret that she had a part in my feelings being hurt. We've also talked extensively about polyamory, (she is brand new to it) and what MY expectations are... expectations that HE agrees will work for US. She is like a sponge, soaking up info, and she has been wonderful in communicating her thoughts and asking questions.

So, we had that face-to-face meeting... it went splendidly! After meeting her (and seeing her) I can totally understand his excitement over her. She is an amazing woman. I am growing more and more comfortable each day, reminding myself to stay open-minded. (While I have forgiven them both, they both also know I have not forgotten.)

I am hesitant to admit I was (am) wildly attracted to her. I admitted that to both of them, and found out the feeling is mutual. (She and I are VERY VERY slowly exploring our own relationship, with HIS blessing of course.)
 
Shortly after, we have sex. I head for the shower after and try to coax him in with me. He refuses and then LEFT! He was gone a few hours, and when he came home, did not say a word to me. I went to bed.

.

:eek: This is totally unacceptable. I can't believe he went to meet a new woman without having a shower :D
 
Yes I did read the whole thread though foxflame! ;) Glad it seems to have worked out in the end.
 
She and I have been chatting online A LOT. We've talked very candidly about everything. I told her how hurt I was, why, etc. She was very open with me, and expressed regret that she had a part in my feelings being hurt. We've also talked extensively about polyamory, (she is brand new to it) and what MY expectations are... expectations that HE agrees will work for US. She is like a sponge, soaking up info, and she has been wonderful in communicating her thoughts and asking questions.

So, we had that face-to-face meeting... it went splendidly! After meeting her (and seeing her) I can totally understand his excitement over her. She is an amazing woman. I am growing more and more comfortable each day, reminding myself to stay open-minded. (While I have forgiven them both, they both also know I have not forgotten.)

I am hesitant to admit I was (am) wildly attracted to her. I admitted that to both of them, and found out the feeling is mutual. (She and I are VERY VERY slowly exploring our own relationship, with HIS blessing of course.)

:D:D:D:D:D:D Much happier! Yea for you!
 
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