If it quacks like a duck...

persephone

New member
I was contacted by a somewhat older gentleman on a poly site, whose profile included this:

I am not trying to change anyones present situation (well maybe a piece of it) but rather to add some REAL excitement to our lives.

I wrote to him and told him that if he was cheating on his wife, he didn't belong on a poly site. He wrote back in a VERY huffy manner, telling me that I was wrong about him and that I had no right to judge anyway.

WTF?

Thoughts?
 
If it quacks like a duck surely it's a witch and you should burn it! Burn it! She turned me into a newt! ... It got better...

Anyone get the monty python reference?

Anyway my point is don't assume things.
 
If it quacks like a duck surely it's a witch and you should burn it! Burn it! She turned me into a newt! ... It got better...

Anyone get the monty python reference?

Anyway my point is don't assume things.

<3 Monty Python (and you a little bit for saying that)!!

As for the topic at hand... I don't think you can really tell whether he is cheating or not.
 
I love me some out of context quoting. Why the hell were you assuming he was cheating? Especially as he was on a poly site. Where I assume a lot of poly people would be. What did he say exactly, to make you think he was? If it was just a random remark from you, because you believe everyone who is poly must be cheating, I'd have been a lot less nice than he was.
 
Looking for that spark...
Looking for a discreet friend...
Not looking to change my situation or yours...
Not looking to change my life, just make it more fun...
Looking for drama-free fun...


Cheaters have buzzwords. I should know, I have enough of them hitting on me online despite every online profile I have ever had specifically saying I don't want anything to do with them. It doesn't help, they don't read, and they think that what they want is much more important than what any woman wants anyway.

If a person uses one or more of these buzzwords and has a "discreet" photo (or none at all), I have found that 99 percent of the time, they are cheating on a wife or long-term girlfriend. It doesn't matter if they're on a poly site or on ashleymadison.com. Sometimes, when I ask if they are poly, I get "Sure, I'm poly but my wife doesn't know!"

I may have found the one exception this week in the guy who got huffy with me. No biggie, he wasn't that appealing anyway.
 
I probably would have gotten huffy too if I was in his position... I'm sure he's aware that most poly people aren't interested in cheaters. Why even bother messaging him if you weren't interested in him? To me, that just seems like going out of your way to judge someone when it really isn't your place. He wasn't asking for opinions or propositioning you personally in any manner. It would be the same as someone admitting in their profile (or alluding to the fact) that he/she is a kleptomaniac and has a tendency to steal things and someone sending him/her a message just to tell that person that stealing is wrong and that they have no business being like that.

Maybe he and his wife have a DADT policy and that's why it needs to be discreet. Maybe he just likes recreating the "sneaking around" adrenaline rush even though his wife is okay with it (I've done that). Maybe he has a VERY strict work environment or is very well known in public and can't come out as poly. There are many reasons to be discreet. Yes, I agree, usually people who use the word are cheating, but it isn't a hard and fast rule, and I really don't think it's proof enough to send a message out of the blue.

(I apologize if he DID contact you first, in that situation, I would have replied similarly. I am also not trying to be mean, just saying that I would be rather pissed if it happened to me - someone who has never cheated but has asked for "discreet encounters"-, so I understand his huffiness)
 
(I apologize if he DID contact you first, in that situation, I would have replied similarly. I am also not trying to be mean, just saying that I would be rather pissed if it happened to me - someone who has never cheated but has asked for "discreet encounters"-, so I understand his huffiness)

The first sentence of the OP stated that the man involved made contact first.
 
The first sentence of the OP stated that the man involved made contact first.

Wow... Totally missed that. Maybe I shouldn't read posts first thing in the morning and then NOT re-read them before responding again, huh?

In that case, I totally would have spoken my mind, but wouldn't have been surprised/offended by a negative reply in response to my response.
 
Wow... Totally missed that. Maybe I shouldn't read posts first thing in the morning and then NOT re-read them before responding again, huh?

In that case, I totally would have spoken my mind, but wouldn't have been surprised/offended by a negative reply in response to my response.
Certainly not really worth creating a whole new thread for, I wouldn't think.
 
Whenever a married cheater contacts me, I don't even respond. Not worth my time -- and what do I prove by telling him off?

Nothing at all, but I like to think that if every woman these guys contacted told them they were lying scum and to f--k off, at least some of them would stop polluting the online dating world with their vile selves.

Probably a pipe dream. Sigh.
 
I ask the married men who contact me if their wife knows. I've been rather amazed at how many will admit that they are looking to cheat. I then tell them I don't help others cheat. I have no expectations that this will change them. I have noted a tendency in the mainstream to accept, to understand cheating way more than open or poly relationships. So I hope that by being openly ethically non-monogamous, it will help change that tendency to really value openness and honesty.
 
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