metandwessy
New member
Hey everyone,
I always appreciate all the sound advice from experienced and supportive poly people. I find myself looking at these forums all the time when I'm feeling stuck- which I am right now with my primary partner.
So here's the very short version: We've been together nearly 2 years now. For the most part things are fantastic, we have fun together, we are attracted to each other, we have a great poly community we've built together, we communicate, we go to couples counseling to work things out, we have great sex, I think he's an amazing partner and person in general.
We often get stuck in this one area (his sexual interests with single -often poly-inexperienced women outside the relationship) and I'm just always looking for how to cope with it. In the past, I've written about feeling like he was choosing unhealthy women and I felt I didn't want the drama. This hasn't been as much of a problem lately so that's been nice. But I'm still finding myself very uncomfortable with how he pursues other women, and how he communicates with me during these times of pursuit.
When he has a new love interest, he seems to get completely enamored by them and that's fine, I know it happens and that it's known as NRE- it's still uncomfortable but at least I understand it. The problem is that when I want to talk about this very real shift in energy and how it makes me feel, and what I need, he then denies it and says I'm reacting to nothing, that it's all my thoughts that are the problem and he's unwilling to compromise because he feels he's compromised too much in this relationship already (past resentments about me asking him to slow down I think). I feel my reality is denied, and then I feel confused and feel like a crazy person and then I wonder is he right, is it all just my perception?? Then I start to distrust my own intuition and question my reality about the situation.
Most recently, he wanted to find a female webcam partner because he is pursuing a career doing that and needs to make money. He knows he can make a lot more money with a partner and says he didn't want it to be with me because he didn't want our relationship to be all about that. I told him I was uncomfortable with that because he often has very limited energy (health issues) for me as it is so I was worried that if he was spending 15+ hours a week having sex for his job with another woman, that there wouldn't be much left for me. We talked about it and he decided to move forward with this woman we sort of know. despite being uncomfortable and concerned I decided to just try to get over my shit about it and see how it goes.
It's only been about a week and a half and he has spent every other day for 4-6 hours at a time being sexual with her and he wants to stay very private about what they do and how he's feeling about her which is really hard for me. I've told him about it, that I don't feel included, considered, and that I need more disclosure but he says that he doesn't want to because he basically doesn't trust my reactions but then says that it's no big deal, it's just FWB and a job and that I'm the only one in this whole scenario thinking that this is a big deal. Then slowly things start coming out like last night he tells me that they have a ton of chemistry and passion and it seems like it's getting more serious- which is what I've been saying the whole time and he's been denying and now is admitting to?
Now in the essence of full disclosure, I must admit that sometimes (maybe often times?) I am emotional and I'm working on getting better at keeping things about me and my feelings but I do still get reactive and "blame-y". He and I have talked about this but the only thing he thinks is acceptable is basically for me to say "I'm feeling hurt and it's all my shit and there's nothing I need you to change".
My questions for you wise people are:
-Does it sound like it really is just my problem and I shouldn't ask for him to change any behaviors?
-How do I get better at validating my reality and trusting my reactions so that I don't feel so hurt when he doesn't validate me?
-What are reasonable compromises to ask him to make as far as time and energy into his new interest?
-Does anyone know much about love addict/love avoidant relationships and if so, does it seem like we have that dynamic? What do we do about it?
-I feel like sex with this other woman and webcamming in general has already negatively impacted our sex life, how do I best communicate this so he can hear it?
Thank you kindly!
I always appreciate all the sound advice from experienced and supportive poly people. I find myself looking at these forums all the time when I'm feeling stuck- which I am right now with my primary partner.
So here's the very short version: We've been together nearly 2 years now. For the most part things are fantastic, we have fun together, we are attracted to each other, we have a great poly community we've built together, we communicate, we go to couples counseling to work things out, we have great sex, I think he's an amazing partner and person in general.
We often get stuck in this one area (his sexual interests with single -often poly-inexperienced women outside the relationship) and I'm just always looking for how to cope with it. In the past, I've written about feeling like he was choosing unhealthy women and I felt I didn't want the drama. This hasn't been as much of a problem lately so that's been nice. But I'm still finding myself very uncomfortable with how he pursues other women, and how he communicates with me during these times of pursuit.
When he has a new love interest, he seems to get completely enamored by them and that's fine, I know it happens and that it's known as NRE- it's still uncomfortable but at least I understand it. The problem is that when I want to talk about this very real shift in energy and how it makes me feel, and what I need, he then denies it and says I'm reacting to nothing, that it's all my thoughts that are the problem and he's unwilling to compromise because he feels he's compromised too much in this relationship already (past resentments about me asking him to slow down I think). I feel my reality is denied, and then I feel confused and feel like a crazy person and then I wonder is he right, is it all just my perception?? Then I start to distrust my own intuition and question my reality about the situation.
Most recently, he wanted to find a female webcam partner because he is pursuing a career doing that and needs to make money. He knows he can make a lot more money with a partner and says he didn't want it to be with me because he didn't want our relationship to be all about that. I told him I was uncomfortable with that because he often has very limited energy (health issues) for me as it is so I was worried that if he was spending 15+ hours a week having sex for his job with another woman, that there wouldn't be much left for me. We talked about it and he decided to move forward with this woman we sort of know. despite being uncomfortable and concerned I decided to just try to get over my shit about it and see how it goes.
It's only been about a week and a half and he has spent every other day for 4-6 hours at a time being sexual with her and he wants to stay very private about what they do and how he's feeling about her which is really hard for me. I've told him about it, that I don't feel included, considered, and that I need more disclosure but he says that he doesn't want to because he basically doesn't trust my reactions but then says that it's no big deal, it's just FWB and a job and that I'm the only one in this whole scenario thinking that this is a big deal. Then slowly things start coming out like last night he tells me that they have a ton of chemistry and passion and it seems like it's getting more serious- which is what I've been saying the whole time and he's been denying and now is admitting to?
Now in the essence of full disclosure, I must admit that sometimes (maybe often times?) I am emotional and I'm working on getting better at keeping things about me and my feelings but I do still get reactive and "blame-y". He and I have talked about this but the only thing he thinks is acceptable is basically for me to say "I'm feeling hurt and it's all my shit and there's nothing I need you to change".
My questions for you wise people are:
-Does it sound like it really is just my problem and I shouldn't ask for him to change any behaviors?
-How do I get better at validating my reality and trusting my reactions so that I don't feel so hurt when he doesn't validate me?
-What are reasonable compromises to ask him to make as far as time and energy into his new interest?
-Does anyone know much about love addict/love avoidant relationships and if so, does it seem like we have that dynamic? What do we do about it?
-I feel like sex with this other woman and webcamming in general has already negatively impacted our sex life, how do I best communicate this so he can hear it?
Thank you kindly!