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Old 11-27-2012, 06:10 AM
monogamishSF monogamishSF is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 48
Default Things that help us through our parters' dates

I'll start:

  • Sitting myself down and concentrating on remembering as many details about my own hot, sexy experiences as I can, with any partner, ever in my life. I play the best of compilation of my mental porn archives for my favorite skin-on-skin ego-feeding moan-inducing everything. All the times I've felt like the sexiest person alive, even for a second.

  • And after that... y'know.... then... etc... ifyouknowwhatimean. Oh, and about that! I used to feel kind of like a loser for masturbating while my partner is out with someone else. Like ugh, I'm home doing this thing that people make fun of like playing video games or watching TV. Eff all of that. Treat yourself. Screw your own brains out. Hell, even if they're just on a platonic date, you always have you, you don't have to ask permission to bang yourself (I hope!) and you're freaking amaaaaaaazing in bed with you.

  • A hot bath. I know all the books say this but it really helps. Esp. when combined with the above. Again, treat yourself. And don't screw around with it either. No aromatherapy candles. Unless you're into them. Bring a bowl of ice cream if you'd rather. Play music not at all conducive to a bath but that you love anyway. I know a lot of us poly folk don't want to condone vices, but if you smoke weed, bring that in with you too. Sing loudly. Dump in so many bubbles you feel like you're 5. Hell, take a nap in there (but remember to hydrate).

  • Primp. Or do push-ups.

  • If you're really freaking out, look yourself dead in the mirror and talk yourself out of it no matter how long it takes.

  • Smack yourself. If you like it.

  • YES, okay, go out with friends, etc etc etc.

    But since I never really know how I'm going to handle these things, and since there isn't always time to plan a friends meetup, I've gone most date nights alone. I know you're not supposed to, and there were times I certainly shouldn't have, but tonight it's not bad at all. And I haven't even made it to the bath yet. I always dig alone time. Time when I'm not fretting or fussing or coordinating with anyone. Just me. Just what I want. All night long.

    I should note that we recently moved apart. That helps. I don't feel like I should wait up to hear what happened post-date, it can wait till morning. I don't want to be up all night if it triggers me. I'd rather sleep on it, remind myself I am awesome for a bunch of hours, text/call long distance partners as much as I want to, whenever I want to, put myself to bed (and take up the WHOLE THING) and wake up with a clear head, not an exhausted-from-waiting-and-wondering head.

  • Write on this blog. Like I'm doing right now.

What things work for you guys?
under-30 cis femme- and queer-identified female. in a primary relationship with G, genderqueer female, with separate apartments. I also have a FWB, N, that I see every few months. K is a member of a 2012 triad that has since ended.

Last edited by monogamishSF; 11-27-2012 at 06:13 AM.
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:31 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 90

Be on a date as well, either with yourself or someone else. It's much easier to be ok with things if you're also having a good time in the moment.

Ginko and I try to mostly see other people when our schedule would have kept us from seeing each other anyhow. If we're both free and another partner wants to see us they typically end up hanging out with both of us, unless we both have a date.
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Old 12-05-2012, 02:56 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 478

I like this topic, and I fully support the idea of having sexual time with oneself!

For me, I value my alone time* so much that I don't need to do anything different to distract myself when my guy is on a date. We don't live together, and I don't seem to experience much jealousy, so if I know he's out with someone I just don't feel any different than on any other night that I'm not seeing him.

Sometimes I have anxious feelings when I hear about the dates afterwards, so that's the part I work on dealing with. I have no qualms related to him being on a date while I'm at home. (That's just me though--I've always been that way).

*And not just to play with myself!!
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
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Old 12-05-2012, 08:11 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 827

I don't have much to add but since on my third reread I was like - yep, totally do it to yourself like there's no tomorrow, I just had to chime in.

If you have a hobby that involves making things, start a new project, I sew and quilt so if I'm feeling restless I get busy with my hands and head. If you don't have one and you're prone to dwell on what your partner is doing, get a hobby that involves making things!

Then that hot bath you mentioned with a good book, then back to sexy times with yourself Must keep busy you know!
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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anxiety, date nights, growth, jealousy

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