Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-02-2012, 05:04 AM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189
Default How strange to find us here

It's almost funny, but kind of not. My husband and I have been through so many changes in the last several years. Who knows what's happening with our pseudo quad. I don't anymore. I just hold on and wait and see. Nothing happens till the OSO comes home from overseas, it seems.

But in the meantime, hubby has a golden opportunity to have a girlfriend... a local girlfriend, whom he really enjoys sexually and has a good friendship with and feels like he's good for (he's a fixer). She just broke up with her long-term partner and seemed into the idea of having a part of hubby's life. Clearly he'd been thinking about the possibility for sometime. We'd seen her relationship go through stress and strain. I knew it would come to this, and my concerns boiled down to things like impact on the household/time demands/unpredictability of her demands... she's got some issues. I really like her, but she's a "wild card" for lack of better words. But I am open to the idea. I can see benefits for both of us (hubby and me), as well as for her. I am not averse to them having their own relationship, so long as I am still the wife, and the household is still the priority. I know that raises some poly hackles, but practically speaking, it's got to work that way. We've got young ones and an established household. Not saying it could never change, but this is where we are here and now.

So they discussed ideas a bit today, and when I came home from work, hubby told me he was backing off the idea. I was confused, and then I understood... she had told him (and bless her heart, she may have been following his advice to her from months ago to not "settle for less"), but she had told him that what she wanted was to be able to meet at least a few times a week for 4 hours or so. He told her that was unrealistic. She told him, well, if you change your mind let me know. And he told her, well, if you change your mind, let me know.

And I feel bad for him... and I don't get it... "Really, chica? You're gonna make that heavy a demand, when you don't even know what once or twice a week would look like or how it would impact everyone? Can't you grow into this? It's not shopping, and it's not ready made. It's something that develops." I know she wants to talk, the three of us, and I'm open to it, but hubby is so shocked by the up front time demand, he really doesn't know what to do. Again, I feel bad for him.

She's a kind, loving person. But I don't think she's seeing anyone in this.

I'm really just venting, but if you have any insight or thoughts, please feel free to share.
Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2012, 06:34 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 827

You know, I'd just look at it as she knew what her minimum requirements for a relationship are. Sure, people can learn to deal with less than they want but you should be grateful they were both honest about what they could offer/what they needed to be content, and that it ended before it began.

I think I have a pretty good handle on my requirements for how often I need to see/talk to new partners to not get unhappy or excessively lonely or to feel distant from a partner. Although I found I could make do with less than I wanted, I also believe I've kept from pursuing things that weren't right for me, which keeps both me and them from wasting time or ending up breaking up after a long drawn out misery of "trying to make it work".

I know you're probably just feeling affronted for your husband a bit *how dare you not know how awesome my husband is and want to date him!!!" but really I'd just look at it as she would've done you a disservice to not state what she wanted. It's also SUPER awesome that your husband knew what he could give and was honest about it too. Really if you read, you'll see a good % of threads are about people unhappy because their partners are trying to give more to a new partner than can be reasonably expected if they still want to be paying attention to their previous partners/kids/chores. I really suggest not being hard on her at all. Her "demand" isn't any more a demand than his "demand" that he isn't available as much as she'd like is one.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2012, 12:56 PM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189

No, I hear you. I'm not upset with her. She needs to be able to set boundaries for her relationships with others and go into things with eyes open wide, secure. I understand that. It may not work the way she seeks with us, but I do understand. I'm much the same. I might not demand as much, lol, but I'm sure to others, my demands are unreasonable And you're right... much time can be wasted and tears spent trying to "make things work" that just won't.

Oh well Life is still beautiful.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:12 PM.