Where I'm at...

acb2012

New member
OK. I'm in. I really need to talk/write about this stuff in my brain just to make sense of it.

I got here because one of my lovers labelled himself as poly within about 2 days of our "meeting." Yay for honesty. And I really like him and respect him. Sadly, at that point I had no idea what all that could encompass. My gut reaction when he said he was poly (within a few days) was "oh hell no." (Keep reading)

In my mind, from the poly people I'd known it meant a lot of form and structure and quads and triads and rules and basically everything that (for me) does not work any more than monogamy has worked.(In my head, "I don't want to be part of a pod! I don't want to have to do that! I don't want all those every time I want to be in endless talking talking talking about any of it. Noooo.... 3 other roommates.....I want it to be and happen and work or not.") (And I know that works for many poly people and I am not giving any disrespect...it does not work for me) Monogamy fits me like a ill fitting sweater, I have tried, and tried desperately. But I also know what I like in life.

So, I meet this new love/r and start to wrap my head around it. (Labels and identity and all of it) And realize there is this whole spectrum of nonmonogamy. I didn't know, I was always pretty much doing my own thing over here. Not thinking about any of it much. And to be honest, I really really like him. Enough to break out of my not thinking about this and start thinking.Needless to say, his version of poly is very different from my initial thoughts.

I am ridiculously happy on my own. 80-90% of the time. I really am very content. I like to be alone. I treasure being alone. After many, many years of single parenting, I am enjoying getting to know ME. And in general, I've mostly lived like this...just me and a few select very nice loves and lovers, for most of my life.

It's been an odd trying to get on the same page. When he first said he was poly, I was like OH HELL NO. For the reasons above and if you have read this far, maybe you get that. But, I do know, while we have been working on that, after that reaction... he thought I was straight up "NO I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH"

Am I poly? I don't know. Am I me?, YES! I am certainly not monogamous. please no judging. I have been to so many "poly talks." As soon as I say "I am not poly." I get that LOOK. (This is a bloggy thing, right? I can write what I want and actually, no one will ever read it... yay.)And then they introduce me to the lone monogamous person in the crowd and say, "You two will have a lot to talk about." And then get pretty much excluded from the rest of conversations. I have learned just to not say that.

Poor boy. He is crazy sensitive about expectations.And I have spent a fair bit of time explaining that just because my initial reaction to you being poly was "Oh WTF no!" Does not mean my reaction was "I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH! NOR CAN I!"

I have tried to explain, many times, that my itital "oh hell no," did not mean that. In person, via interwebs, on the phone. I think I have hit my limits there. I fear he still holds some residual unease from dating people who aren't as open to poly as they thought in the beginning. I know he is, actually, because he has told me.

Not to mention this is all a bit long distance.So it is a fair drive away, a fair not so often seeing each other in person, and a whole lot of text, email, skype, uuuggghhhhhh, in between. So a whole lot goes unsaid a little too often.

I have no idea where to go now. I care about him more than I have cared about anyone for years and years. I know I think about everything too much. I should just stop and enjoy the ride but sometimes my brain just explodes. Anyway. That's me for now.
 
PS.... while I am mostly just doing this to get all this dumb stuff out of my head, I do welcome comments, etc.
 
(This is a bloggy thing, right? I can write what I want and actually, no one will ever read it... yay.)

Yes, this is a bloggy thing....No, that doesn't mean that no one will read it! (16 views as of this post)

What it does mean is that this is your space to work out where you are at and no one should argue and tell you that you are "doing it wrong".

Thank you for sharing your story with us!

What I get from reading your post is that everyone (yourself, me, him, them) has preconceived notions as to what certain labels (poly, mono, non-monogamous, etc.) mean. We use them as necessary shortcuts but by bypassing lengthy explanations we miss out on the nuances of each person's experience.

And our reactions to people's responses is shaped by those previously formed notions. He says "poly" and you have visions of pods and structure and rules, You say "WTF, hell no." as a gut response...and he has visions of Cinderella and a ring in someone's nose:p. You say "not poly" and they hear "white picket fence" etc. etc. ad nauseum...and miss the "not mono" as well.

Communications, we needs them...one and all;) But that is, for me, the joy of relationships (of any flavor) - getting to the real person under all the words. Each person on their own path, navigating the world that we find at our doorstep, I'm glad that your path brought you here.:rolleyes:

JaneQ
 
PS. I get the "happy on my own" part...I enjoy my own company (weird, I know). One of the reasons that my boys and I get along is that they have learned to be present with me without engaging me actively - I am doing my stuff, they do their stuff, we don't have to be doing the SAME stuff. I have found very few people in my life that can accomplish this - I cherish the ones who can.
 
PS. I get the "happy on my own" part...I enjoy my own company (weird, I know). One of the reasons that my boys and I get along is that they have learned to be present with me without engaging me actively - I am doing my stuff, they do their stuff, we don't have to be doing the SAME stuff. I have found very few people in my life that can accomplish this - I cherish the ones who can.

I don't think that's weird at all!!! :)

And I too have had similar situations trying to find people who can appreciate spending time with me, just kind of doing our own things. I love having their presence in a room, I don't necessarily have to always be talking or what have you.
 
Now I am gearing up for yet another trip to see -----. I wish I could come up with a name for him. Since it is non insignificant drive, we don't see each other much.

It's been a weird few weeks. Weird good. Met a new fella at a party, seeing him soon. Got sick of the OK Cupid stuff, and just said screw it, it'll happen when it happens. I hate forcing meeting people, and as I often say I actually really am happy alone most of the time. And then boom! 2 nights later I meet someone. Also long distance, so that's nice. (I just really hate the thought of people coming by unannounced.) So, who knows?

It's been weird in many other parts of my life, and I have a lot of fairly big life changes coming up. That's also one of the things keeping me from getting to active. I really need to have a little extra time to take care of my stuff, before I really get out there.

But I am pretty excited about this trip. It will probably be the last one this year.... Things are about to get hectic, and I am feeling a little stretched thin.

Must sleep now. More eventually.
 
Is the partner in the original post dating other people? All you can really do is encourage them to date if they want, then every time they do respond in a way that shows them you are OK dealing with it and to remind them you care about them. I've had people get something stuck in their heads like that after I say one thing that they interpreted incorrectly, and years later they still believe it if they never challenged their perception.
 
Is the partner in the original post dating other people? All you can really do is encourage them to date if they want, then every time they do respond in a way that shows them you are OK dealing with it and to remind them you care about them. I've had people get something stuck in their heads like that after I say one thing that they interpreted incorrectly, and years later they still believe it if they never challenged their perception.


Oh, most definitely. And yes, it is at the point where my actions speak louder than words in that respect. So, I just keep living it and hopefully he will see. I think when we visited last helped a lot. Baby steps, I guess.
 
OK. I am really screwing things up and just need to vent. Got in a huge argument with ____ (I still need a name, or this is going to make me nuts). Basically, it was just absolutely stupid, and I feel like an idiot.

It basically just boiled down to we got in a conversation about sharing of information about other people in our lives. Again. Now, in my mind (and I have been really struggling with this over the past 2 weeks) our "relationship" whatever it is, has not really been defined at all. I was under the impression it was just pretty casual for him.

So when we start talking about other people, if it is casual, I really don't need to know all that much. I don't need to know every date, every move he makes whatever. If this is just a casual thing I just don't need that info. And if it's just a casual thing, I really don't feel the pull to share very intimate details about the other people I see or am involved with.

I think perhaps it's moved out of casual. I think we need to talk about THAT first before we get into other stuff.

He kept asking, and I was feeling really pressured and quite cross and just got really frustrated and upset and basically it was a disaster. I am just so confused over so much, and overthinking everything about him and us and am in a pretty weird loop. I like him a LOT more than it just being a casual thing for me. I only just realized that.

Yes, if this moves from the realm of casual booty call or whatever, into something more "serious," I'd like to know more. Meet them, and get more involved, and so on.

Worst part is, he doesn't like talking about stuff like this over email and electronics. And I really only see him maybe 30 hours a month, part of which is spent sleeping (really!). So that means a lot gets unsaid that probably needs to be said.

I don't know. I think this is transitioning into something else besides what it has been which is good. Which is great. But frustrating and scary and I really just need to know what is happening so I can frame my expectations right.

On the plus side I haven't totally blown it and we are talking about this more in depth this week sometime.

On the other plus side I had a date with a cutie I met recently that went quite well. It's early...it wasn't the best date in my life, but not the worst. I'll give it some time and see what happens.

On the other plus side, I get a weekend home alone next weekend. Thank goodness. Have not had a weekend home in weeks. Need it. Need to just curl up with a book and be me alone for a bit. And clean. Desperately.
 
I freaking HATE this not being able to communicate my feelings via electronic means to him. I just end up bottling everything up and it just feeds an awful loop of stress and ugly stuff.

I hate feeling this vulnerable. I hate being this insecure. And I hate that we went from an amazing weekend that was super romantic and lovely to this 2 weeks later, and I hate that I can not figure out how it happened.

I'm just feeling insecure lately. Grrr. I'm exhausted anyway, and have a thousand other things stressing me out besides this. This is just the one thing I could have prevented or helped. Everything else is kind of out of my control. I've not sleeping well at all for months now, and that doesn't help my frame of mind.

I honestly don't know if I should just cut & run, as I think the timing is WAY off here. I don't know. *head explodes* *again*
 
Wow. It has been three months since that last post. And what a 3 months it has been.

After that last speed bump, we really didn't talk much for a bit. I needed some time to get my head straight and to really figure out what the hell I was seeking. So it wasn't until around Christmas that we spoke again. And then tentatively. I had thrown up all these walls, and was super protective of me.

After New Years, and a LOT of thinking on my part, a lot a lot, things opened up. And then, I realized that "casual" is just some dumb word. So screw it. And I just opened up and said, "Yes. Tell me everything." And he did. And that kicked off a chain of communication that just has not quit.

Was he waiting for me to say that before things moved out of casual zone? I don't know. But I am glad I did. Knowing is so much easier than not knowing and wondering. And he was ready to share whenever I asked. And honestly I wish I had asked earlier.

A lot has happened in his life since then. I struggle at times with being one of the few people he says he can talk to. Yes, he has other lovers and loves, but he only sees them very occasionally. He went through a break-up with one of them during this time, I think which was why he was wanting to share in December. It's just as well I wasn't ready for that, as I would have turned on my heel and walked out completely. He'd gotten back together with the ex who he was still hurt by when we first started dating. He was hurt then, nearly a year ago, and has been re-hurt. Hard to watch. Also, explains a lot.

But in the meantime, I have been working on ME. Me me me meme. Feel kind of selfish about it, but I really needed to. After yet another exciting and fun and potentially great connection with another person over Christmas that ultimately fizzled and was VERY disappointing, I have been kind of dealing with the concept that right now, I do not want a one night, or two night stand like that. I get a lot of those. I'm rather aggressive and no bullshit. But I will not be doing that again for a while. Especially not with any more crushes.

Right now I have so much going on with my moving to another city in a few months, a HUGE project at work, and tidying up the last vestiges of my old life to begin again. I am feeling like I just can't take anything new on.

Like have said, I don't really think I am poly. I don't know what the fuck I am. Maybe I am and just reject labels. I have zero interest in dating anyone else right now, though I am by no means exclusive to ___ (still have to come up with a name). Poly-periphery? I don't know. I have discovered the Poly Weekly pod cast and really enjoy it, if only because it is making me understand and practice and be better at communication, thinking things through, etc.

But, anyway, things are going swimmingly in general. Done with the rollercoaster NRE crap, which I HATE. Have a ton more perspective and groundedness. And honestly... right now is a bad time for both me and ___ to start anything much more involved than what is. Status quo is working just fine. Our weekends together over the past few months feel a little more relaxed and non-stressful for me. there's no rush. If things work out, yay. If they don't, I have gained a friend who I will love and treasure for life.

I am in no rush for anything but beginning my new life. I've been a single mother for almost 19 years now. I am ready to be me again. I just have to figure out who I am. It has been a lifetime of me being someone's mom, someone's girlfriend, someone's daughter. I really have never had much time to be just myself.

I have taken in another stray, as I call them. A friend who has just moved to my city and needs a place to start getting established. It's been tricky, as my apartment is VERY small. With me, my daughter and now a friend it is at it's limit. I have ZERO alone time in the house, which is VERY hard for me. And very frustrating. I am used to at least having a few hours and an occasional night here and there. Not so much. Have actually been considering getting a hotel room just to be alone for a night.

Part of my not even wanting to get out and try to date is just feeling kind of drained by helping everyone else in the damn world, it feels like. I have 3 friends going through some pretty serious stuff. Not to mention ___. Top that with a friend who knows no one and is staying with me and a young adult to care for and I am left with not a lot left over. Not for me, not for anyone. I have zero desire to start anything new right now....what I have left over I need to keep for me. ____ is somewhat established in my life and gets more than he would right now if we had just started dating yesterday, for sure.

I don't even know where I am going with this. Just needed to write it all out a bit. I am happy I have found this community, even if I don't quite belong. This has been a pretty intense year of self-discovery. I just wish I had a way to describe myself where I was not judged.

Anyway... that's it for now. Hopefully will update sonner than 3 months next time.
 
I am never going to fit in anywhere. Not in the poly community. Not in the monogamy community. I feel seriously alone in this. In between worlds. I can't ever phrase my world or life so people anywhere understand it.
 
Well that was a whiny little post. Forgive, please, got a lot going on.

The past few weeks have been nutty. Note to self: DO NOT TAKE IN ANY MORE STRAYS. Nightmare.

I have expressed my feelings about feeling not able to have the emotional, physical, mental or anything energy to date aside from ___ to him. And we talked about it a bit. And since thing have settled down a bit in my care giving for what feels like a million people, I am thinking about trying.

THINKING about. But feeling less resentful about not having the energy to even consider it. Still have waaaaaaay too much going on in the upcoming 2 months to spend much on it. But it is nice to think about and there is this cute young thing who has been texting me for a a good many months who I know I will meet in May. He is VERY young though. And young is not really my thing. Anyone I could have given birth to is an automatic NO, and he is on the cusp. But we will see where it goes.

I really need to spend more time on me. I hate being selfish like that, but if I can not take care of myself how can I be good to anyone else?

Things are progressing nicely with __. The past month has been pretty intense on a lot of levels with us. I am just trying to see how things go. This long distance thing is pretty sucky. It has gotten to the point where I would really like to spend more than 1 night or weekend a month with him. But right now, not going to happen. Soon, yes, but not now.

Oh well, anyway.
 
Well. Here I am again. Posting here, I mean, not in any sort of situation.

We're still fumbling along. This long distance thing SUCKS. A lot. I think a LOT of my problems are just dealing with long distance stuff. It will end soon enough, as the plan was in place to move to his city before he and I even got remotely serious. And that is happening soon.

Which then beings a whole bunch of other stuff. I have not dated someone in my own city in about 3 1/2 years. 2 of them, not dating. LOL. So, I am very, very used to being very, very independent and alone. Now to go from seeing ___ once a month to???

I know I just have to sit back, take a chill pill, and let things play out.

I am very excited about moving because once I get settled, oh boy, am I ready to start dating again. I really haven't been because honestly I have SOOOOO much going on, I can not even handle this long distance once a month thing well. I don't think it is fair for any other potential partner or friend or whatever for me to go on a few dates, and then be all, "Moving, bye!" And I do not have the energy to give to anyone.

I do have a super sweet fella who I have not yet met, but we have been texting and talking a lot. I'll meet him next month, we'll see. He is ridiculously young for me, and honestly I don't think there's much there besides FWBs, but hey...who knows. By young I mean 15 years younger. Which, for me...is a LOT. I usually only date people my age or a little older. Oh well, bust out the cougar mode, I guess. :)

On my last visit to visit ___ we ended up going to a sort of swinger party. And found the loveliest lady. I have really been exploring my sexual side with women a lot this past year and have really been enjoying it. She has a boyfriend and was not down with going too far with ___, but she and I and he had a ton of fun. She and I have been texting a lot since, so maybe this will be something more regular.

By biggest struggle of late is that ___'s life is such a disaster, he really doesn't have much of a chance to get out of his own head enough to give me what I need. To give anyone, really. And it is hard. Neither of us got into this expecting it to start becoming very serious, and somehow that kind of happened. But it is a constant one step up and two steps back, emotional connect and then withdrawal. And it is kind of messing with my head. I am hoping that once I am closer and this turns into something more predictable, it will become clear if it is going to work, or if it is just going to turn into a very deep, close friendship with no romance and no sex.

I am kind of looking forward to predictable. I absolutely LOVE those small moments. That waking up on Sunday, drinking coffee and doing the crossword together. Not so much the dinners and parties and so on, more the little, intimate bits that are easy to take for granted.

Ugh. Rambling. Feedback on any of this is OK, btw... I don't know what there really is to give feedback on, but....
 
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