complicated and unsure

So you’ve been cheated on, are emotionally not in a good place, and are now contemplating entering or staying in a relationship with a women who is totally unstable ( packing her luggage to leave is not normally a sexually motivating activity) , has obviously deceived you into thinking she did not demand polyamory or non monogamy, and who now also threatens you by telling you if she can’t have both of you she may dump you both.

Doesn’t matter whether you’re a pagan, Germanic or anything else. You cannot control this other person so your choices are clear. Either you suck it up and be miserable playing housekeeper and baby sitter half the time or more while he goes about his business and gets sex from her, or you do the b est thing for YOU , which will be to tell her to unpack her luggage back at his place he resides and to stay gathered.

There have been steps in the right direction, and she knows that I may ultimately not remain in the situation.
 
Do it for her sake. You are clearly nowhere near being accepting of poly. There is nothing wrong with that. There actually are plenty of mono women out there.

The key phrase there is "from afar." You admired her from afar. You had some big fantasy life for the two of you going on in your head. Now you are learning she is her own person. She is not going to fit into a mold. Neither are you.

You've basically called poly guys cucks. You are already keeping a tally of who will be doing what. Plus, the whole tit for tat thing. That's not poly at all. If you want to think about poly you need to do that on your own, not jump into it hoping it works out. The odds are pretty much against it working out, especially given your views on the whole thing.

From afar is a figure of speech. We have been friends for a long time with acknowledged mutual atttaction. I decided to work on my marriage, and she ended up with the other guy.

I did not call all poly people cucks. I am referring to my particular siutation. I am looking for insight as the situation develops, and deciding to adapt or leave.
 
From what you have written, it appears quite simply that adaptation is not going to be a healthy option for you or anyone who is or could be involved.

Please stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
 
From what you have written, it appears quite simply that adaptation is not going to be a healthy option for you or anyone who is or could be involved.

Please stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.

I agree with you, if the situation includes the "ex."

She admitted that she doesn't beleive that it is gping to happen; that he is never going to change, and that she wants a relationship with me, regardless. This includes taking steps to make me feel more comfortable and build trust, since she still has belongings at his house, appointments in his town, etc.
 
Another thought...

Is this still "exit affair" for her? Trying to leave this Dude through you? Or also becoming "start a relationship" with you?

Cuz the leaving time is the dangerous time with abusers.

I suggest you both read up on that and be prepared. Maybe she could make her safety plan. This offers several checklists. Could pick the ones that apply here.

https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Like hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Better to have it and not need it rather than need it and not have it and not know what to do. It leaves self open and vulnerable to shenanigans.

Not every situation is exactly the same, of course. Yet I keep thinking about my friend X and her crazy Dude. He wanted to kill her, her new BF, himself... just ALL KINDS of "If I cannot have you nobody can!" weird.

Galagirl
 
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Another thought...

Is this still "exit affair" for her? Trying to leave this Dude through you? Or also becoming "start a relationship" with you?

Cuz the leaving time is the dangerous time with abusers.

I suggest you both read up on that and be prepared. Maybe she could make her safety plan. This offers several checklists. Could pick the ones that apply here.

https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Like hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Better to have it and not need it rather than need it and not have it and not know what to do. It leaves self open and vulnerable to shenanigans.

Not every situation is exactly the same, of course. Yet I keep thinking about my friend X and her crazy Dude. He wanted to kill her, her new BF, himself... just ALL KINDS of "If I cannot have you nobody can!" weird.

Galagirl

We are in a relationship. The issue with the "ex" is related to unresolved emotional issues tied to a toxic codependent relationship which she is having a jard tome letting go due to her poly-ideals.

He was mentally and emotionally abusive, not physically abusive. He lacks confidence with women, and treats her like an object that he wants to keep on the shelf.

He knows we are together, but is hoping that she will "pick" him.
 
He was mentally and emotionally abusive, not physically abusive. He lacks confidence with women, and treats her like an object that he wants to keep on the shelf.

He knows we are together, but is hoping that she will "pick" him.

Could read the safety plan check lists all the same. Just in case her NOT picking him sends him over the edge.

Galagirl
 
Could read the safety plan check lists all the same. Just in case her NOT picking him sends him over the edge.

Galagirl

I admit that I do agree with you. I had said similar things to her and she had said that he is harmless. However, he is human and could theoretically snap once there is finality to the situation, especially given the amount of ongoing emotional and mental stress.
 
I admit that I do agree with you. I had said similar things to her and she had said that he is harmless.

Maybe you can suggest you read them together for YOUR peace of mind and to help build trust between you two? Print them, read together, and then tape them somewhere? Encourage her to women's shelter classes and counseling. Some do classes at malls, libraries, and other community spaces to help people. People who are trained in dealing with this stuff.

"...once there is finality to the situation, especially given the amount of ongoing emotional and mental stress"

Keep in mind she is undergoing HER process too. One must physically leave before they can emotionally and mentally "leave" and begin to heal.

That is why the leaving time is dangerous. The abuser is getting more and more cranked up in the leaving time, and who knows what they will do. Let it go quietly or escalate because their victim might escape? And the victim is not fully well or fully healed from past abuse yet so their judgement may be off and they may not be careful enough.

I told X NOT to be off alone with her dude at any time. She didn't listen to me. He was selling his "we can work it out we can do counseling" garbage to try to suck her back in. Part of her wanted to believe that, part of her wanted it to be over.

We had to compromise on "when you are with me or at my house you cannot tell him where you are and you cannot bring your Dude Phone. Only your private phone. What you do on your own time is your deal."

Because I didn't want him coming HERE to make a scene or start crazy around me or my kids. Or tracking her movements via phone. That was one of the first things I told her to do.

Get her OWN phone in HER name and not be using the cel phone that was under HIS plan for anything but talking to him about divorce because who knows what he put on her phone to track her and who knows if he'd cancel it to cut her off from aid.

And if she could not respect my boundary on that, then I could not help her try to sort out what to do and how to leave. She had to seek that help elsewhere and keep away from me because I didn't want him coming here and put my kids on the line.

I think right up until the end she was still hoping for "a good break up and be friends" but you aren't gonna get that with an abuser. And then when he showed up at her house wanting shoot everyone she called ME for what to do rather than call 911 because she was panicking.

She didn't listen to me. She had NOT printed her "what to do" lists to put on the fridge by the phone. She had NOT packed a "go bag." None of it.

So... for YOUR health and well being? If she's not gonna do the basics?

Then tell her you can wait to date when she's actually out of it and done with him. Then step back.

You are not obligated here. You didn't pick this dude out. You don't have to deal with him or this mess personally.

You can point her to help and then let her help herself out with the aid of professionals.

You could balance (compassion for her and her situation) with (compassion for yourself/your own safety/self care.)

Galagirl
 
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They have neen continuing to argue/debate/ seek closure via text. She has stated that we are in a relationship, and he has stated that he will nit be in a relationship which includes me in the picture. He has continues to gaslight, yet she sees right through it.

I have been supportive and understanding, knowing that she loves us both amd can't have us both, or a decent relationship with him, even if I was removed from the equation. I told her that due to the way wecataryed, I bear hin no ill will on a personal level and that he has the right to be upset with me.

She broke down crying last night, and that is rare for her. She said it wasn't due to love, but over frustration that she can't get him to see his cluster b traits so that he can be a better person, or to at least underatand (closure) why they are breaking up.


She had been bringing him up, which was causing ne to becone quiet and distant, since I I have nothing to respond with and also because of the reasons I havebbeen posting here. I think she moved towatds xlosure with him because of me.
 
My dad has anosognosia -- where he cannot see that he is ill. Perhaps her Dude has something like that. Who knows?

I hope she is able to part ways. Sounds like she's trying to.

I hope the leaving time is as peaceful as possible in the circumstances and that there's no shenanigans.

Galagirl
 
My dad has anosognosia -- where he cannot see that he is ill. Perhaps her Dude has something like that. Who knows?

I hope she is able to part ways. Sounds like she's trying to.

I hope the leaving time is as peaceful as possible in the circumstances and that there's no shenanigans.

Galagirl

Thank you for your continued support and insight. I beleive that he truly cannot see his issues. Cluster b's have to accept their condition and follow a treatment plan.


They are talking on a friend/professional level today. She brings him up in conversation, though it has been less than before.

On one hand it annoys me.to keep jearing about him and to know that the process will take long as she continues to interact with him.

On the other, this is an opportunity for her to build trust, since she is hinest with me about their communication. I never ask her who she is texting, so she could hide her interactions with him if she wanted to do so.

I am hoping that she is no longer fantasizing that her continued, concurrent interactions with us both will somehow allow for the poly V she wanted. Apart from the fact that their relationship was toxic, his professional and familial situations woukd never allow for it to succeed, even if I was open to the idea.
 
She is back to the "I want to be friends woth my ex."

Because I am confident and know that I can live without her, and because I refuse to allow past betrayals to define my current amd future relationships, I had chosen not to interfere with that friendship. She is friends with other exes without issue, and because my STBXW betrayed me with her exes, I felt that this would be a good personal test for myself.

However, my issue is that this desire for a friendship has been complicated by all of the reasons why I started posting here. Ww ended up arguing about it (I did not back down from my position.)

I will see what happens. I reminded her that I haven't made any demands or have been passive aggressive in any way while trying to address my concerns. I am establishing my boundaries. If people are going to cross boundaries, they are going to do so regardless of what one does to establish and enforce boundaries.

We argue ONLY about this guy. Because she is poly, I try yo be patient amd understanding (whereas I probably would have walked by now.) I can't help but feel that she is hoping that things organically "evolve" into this thing that she wants, and that she is in denial abiut the quality of such a relationship if it were to occur.
 
She could be in the bargaining stage. Where she is trying to salvage (some of) what she thought she had by settling for a smaller version of it. You just have to continue to be firm about your boundaries and do not let her rope you into anything you are uncomfortable with.
 
Because she is poly, I try yo be patient amd understanding (whereas I probably would have walked by now.)

Why does her being poly make a difference in where your line in the sand lies? You get to pick where that goes.


I can't help but feel that she is hoping that things organically "evolve" into this thing that she wants, and that she is in denial abiut the quality of such a relationship if it were to occur.

I would guess the same thing. She could be in the ping-pong place. She could be doing stages of grief. Could be a combo of both. Which is why I would encourage her to be single for a while so she can better heal/sort herself out.

And so you can see she really IS over this dude before getting more deeply involved with her.

I am establishing my boundaries. If people are going to cross boundaries, they are going to do so regardless of what one does to establish and enforce boundaries.

You set boundaries for YOU to obey, not other people. You make them to help keep you safe.

If I have a boundary of "I don't loan my things to careless people" and I loan you my lawn mower and you break it? Do not apologize, offer to repair or replace? Then later you come looking to borrow my vac? It's on ME to obey my boundary. The consequence that I can do is tell you "No." So I can be free of any new shenanigans.

So whatever your boundary with her is? It's on YOU to obey and to do the natural consequence.

Galagirl
 
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