I was wondering...

pacificfords

New member
A long conversation with my husband brought out something very interesting. I shared in a previous post that I was having some fears about him being in relationships. I was able to get to a point of realizing that it is a trust issue and I think that is honestly something we can work on over time. But, he was able to explain to me that he really isn't interested in being involved in other relationships the same way I am. He is simply interested in exploring occasional sexual experiences outside our marriage and he does not want the emotional connection because he already has a strong relationship with me. I suppose that could change once he actually meets someone and forms a connection with that person.

I, on the other hand, need the emotional connection to even consider a relationship with someone.

I am not sure my understanding of polyamory is correct. Is it multiple emotional relationships with others or can it also be purely physical relationships? If what he is interested in doing is not labeled as poly, then what would it be? Swinging or swapping seems like a couple-experience, so that doesn't quite fit.
 
Simply put, what he wants could just be called non-monogamy. Or an open marriage. There are some folks who might use the terms "polysexual" and "monoromantic" to describe him (personally, I don't generally use those terms to describe people). While, yes, polyamory usually involves having multiple loving relationships, there are lots of non-monogamists who have more casual liaisons that are focused on sex without emotional involvement but do not engage in swinging.

You are still welcome here, even if your situation does not exactly fit what poly is.
 
You are still welcome here, even if your situation does not exactly fit what poly is.

Thank you. :)

We have used the term open-marriage for years. It has worked pretty well for us, I guess. It makes me realize that the label is definitely not as important as the dynamic of our blended lifestyles and our respect for one another's preferences.

I have really enjoyed this site. It is a friendly and welcoming place with such great information.
 
Interesting. I'm new myself and just exploring the idea. You made me realize though that I would almost rather my partner wanted only sex with other partners. I suppose it doesn't matter what you call it as long as everyone is open about their intentions.
 
Interesting. I'm new myself and just exploring the idea. You made me realize though that I would almost rather my partner wanted only sex with other partners. I suppose it doesn't matter what you call it as long as everyone is open about their intentions.

Welcome Joanne! :) I hope you enjoy exploring the site. I have found it amazingly helpful in the short time I have been here. I will admit that when we discussed the idea of him just meeting a woman for a sexual interaction, it did actually make me feel a little more relaxed about it. Then I kind of had to laugh to myself because the man is so shy, I can imagine him wanting to continue meeting the same woman, because it can be difficult to meet new people sometimes. It seems like it would naturally lead to some kind of a connection/relationship. It will be interesting to see how things go, for sure!
 
I'll add that my husband, Roger, initially said that he wanted a sexual relationship, not a romantic relationship with others. By the second date, they were already in love (due to being friends for a long time). I think (and I think he'd agree) that he did think that at first, but it's different when it's someone he knows and cares about already. I also was really struggling with him developing a loving relationship with Taylor, and I think he felt it was more acceptable to have it "just" be sex instead of love. He has never been one to have sex without an emotional connection, and it was me reminding him of this that make him realize love was a very real possibility.

Not that this is the case for everyone. It does seem like some people are better able at having sex and not falling in love. But a brief look at Roger's history with women said otherwise.
 
In theory, I would be so happy if my husband found another someone to love that loved him in return. I think, because it hasn't happened to him yet, he might not be able to really understand how he could feel that way for someone else, while being with me. It is kind of difficult to explain to someone that has not experienced it. I saw a reference on here that used children as an example and how loving one does not diminish the love for another, but we only have one child, so I cannot even use that as an example. I think actually feeling it may be the only way to really understand it (at least in his case.)
 
Hi pacificfords,

Re (from OP):
"I am not sure my understanding of polyamory is correct. Is it multiple emotional relationships with others or can it also be purely physical relationships?"

In a word: No (it can't).

Polyamory generally has to do with falling in love, intimacy, commitment, and emotional involvement. It usually involves sex too -- but it doesn't have to.

Re:
"If what he is interested in doing is not labeled as poly, then what would it be?"

According to my understanding so far, "swinging" can be a correct label for purely physical forms of responsible nonmonogamy. Other terms that might be used are "friends with benefits," "no strings attached," or "one-night stand/s."

But, definitions are often hotly debated (on poly forums and such).
 
It has been extremely interesting to learn so much from the things I have been reading on this site. I have actually been able to clarify that neither my husband or I are actually poly. It was just a word that someone used a few years ago and then I began using it, thinking I understood it. I did not. I appreciate that I was able to come here and sort out my feelings. I learned so much by reading through the various threads. It has given me a better understanding of the labels, the possibilities and my real feelings about all of it. It has also inspired several conversations with my husband. I am pretty happy to say we are both monogamous. Our wild days seem to be a thing of the past and I think I was trying to re-connect with that somehow and give it a name, but in reality... it is not what either of us want at this stage in our lives. We had an open-marriage for a time, but it was nothing long-term and nothing that was really specific with guidelines or rules. It was just a little bit of exploration. I am pretty grateful for finding this place. It has helped me remove all the doubts and fears I had about our relationship. :) Thanks!!
 
I am not sure my understanding of polyamory is correct. Is it multiple emotional relationships with others or can it also be purely physical relationships? If what he is interested in doing is not labeled as poly, then what would it be? Swinging or swapping seems like a couple-experience, so that doesn't quite fit.

What you described is exactly my husband and me. His way of putting it is "One woman is more than enough, thank you very much!" Apparently relationships with women are high maintenance and he's got zero interest in putting himself through that kind of torture. :p Actually, he doesn't express any interest in sexual relationships either, but he likes knowing he could if he wanted to.

Labels? meh. I identify as polyamorous, and he doesn't really care. Nonmonogamous is a nice catch-all. I've also used the term polysexual, but that can be confusing as that term has multiple meanings.

I think technically swapping is specifically trading wives. Swinging takes a lot of forms and that's probably the closest label for him, if you really need to label him. Or you could just let him figure out what he identifies as and go with that.
 
Last edited:
What you described is exactly my husband and me. His way of putting it is "One woman is more than enough, thank you very much!" Apparently relationships with women are high maintenance and he's got zero interest in putting himself through that kind of torture. :p Actually, he doesn't express any interest in sexual relationships either, but he likes knowing he could if he wanted to.

Labels? meh. I identify as polyamorous, and he doesn't really care. Nonmonogamous is a nice catch-all. I've also used the term polysexual, but that can be confusing as that term has multiple meanings.

I think technically swapping is specifically trading wives. Swinging takes a lot of forms and that's probably the closest label for him, if you really need to label him. Or you could just let him figure out what he identifies as and go with that.

That's how Nate is, he loves having sex with multiple people but not interested in romantic relationships or dealing with expectations. So he Facebook chats with people in a flirtatious manner and occasionally dates but that is the extent of it outside the bedroom.
 
Back
Top