I need help, my boyfriend is just dating one woman after another!

He's probably Mr Literal too.

It sounds like whilst he needs sex, he doesn't need sex in all his relationships.

Maybe he sees it as he wants to have connections to several people and that connection will probably involve sex because connections of that nature usually do.
 
He's probably Mr Literal too.

It sounds like whilst he needs sex, he doesn't need sex in all his relationships.

Maybe he sees it as he wants to have connections to several people and that connection will probably involve sex because connections of that nature usually do.

Yes, that is probably it. However, he just exudes sexuality and seemed to be unaware of that, or afraid to admit it. He is SO flirty when he goes dancing.

Anyway... he and I have had some cordial chats online since that night, and we plan to see each other tonight. We will see how it goes.

miss pixi is going to spend the night with a platonic friend who is going through a nasty divorce and needing support.

I am getting the feeling both of them are annoyed that I am not interested still in trolling okc for dates. I guess, if I was in the midst of NRE as they both are, there would be more balance! So odd. I do chat this or that person from time to time, but it's just more out of habit. I really don't want the stress of yet another first date. My life is too full. But I get the feeling they both wish I wasn't being so fulfilled by the 2 of them, so that we could all be on the same page!

Oh the things about polyamory one never expected! *shakes head*
 
Sounds like maybe you feel a bit of a bait-and-switch with respect to the living arrangements? That Ginger's input didn't lead to a situation you feel he's as vested in as you and Miss Pixi are?

Yes. It was especially odd he'd "forgotten" and denied encouraging us to move as close as him as we could! How could he "forget" that, and what does that say about his need for independence (and dating) conflicting with his need for intimacy with both of us!?

Nice "you can't kid a kidder" moment, BTW. :) Is he not admitting his sex drive to himself, or just to other people?

It seems clear he isn't admitting it to himself, at least at times. Or he admits he's highly sexual, but is so "independent" he can take care of sexual needs with his own hand if necessary, doesn't "need" to get it from any other person. He once said, about sex, he's not needy, he's wanty. So, I just try to call it desire. Personally, I find it a need for myself. Mastubation gets old. I prefer rubbing up against someone else's warm skin!

I'm glad you got the opportunity to talk - how does it feel now, after having time to settle and digest (or is this where your blog comes in)? I know that when I detach from Chops, it means something's wrong and I'm trying to protect myself, which I *don't* want to do. Protecting myself by distancing myself only hurts my relationship with him, and makes it harder to reconnect, but boy is it easy to do when you're hurting and you just want to take your hand off the stove for a little while.

I did update on my blog a little. In general, the talk was good, lots of things brought out and looked at. It felt good he was committed enough to come and hash things out for 6 hours. I made a point of giving him a good warm hug when he got here and another before he left.

In further news, today he told me David was reading my blog and this thread! And reading it out loud to Carla, but she finally told him to stop. I don't know if that means stop reading my posts altogether, or stop reading them to her. If the latter-- Hi "David," hope you're learning something.

So, they read the bit where I quote Ginger as saying Carla might be the 3rd woman ever to give him that "special spark." And Ginger asked me to look up what I said exactly.

I've asked Ginger not to read here himself, as he did start reading my blog, without telling me, back when we first met, when I was all gushy with NRE for him and felt embarrassed to have him read it! lol

And so, now, just as I was looking up the quotes for Ginger, him apologizing for the bother, David calls him on the phone! They are still talking.

Oy, what a can of worms.
 
Which new development leads me to my earlier suggestion to Ginger which he rejected: all 4 of us, Mags, Ginger, David and Carla, get together and have our own pow-wow! Right now it's just getting messy, he said, she said, reading my posts here, tattling back and forth.

YUCK

I told Ginger the other night I've sworn off dating poly noobs just because of shit like this. The ignorance, the jealousy, the territoriality.

Not that I don't still get jealous and territorial and insecure, with my mono brainwashing wired into my damn head, but it's worse when one is a noob.
 
Why would Ginger tell them about you posting here? That's a huge can of worms that didn't need to be opened.
 
Why would Ginger tell them about you posting here? That's a huge can of worms that didn't need to be opened.

Good question! Bad move.
 
Oh, FFS. I don't understand pointing them here (and to your blog) either, rather than just talking face to face. Hopefully, after reading (or hearing) all this, THEY decide it would be a good idea to meet.

Oy is right.
 
OK, Ginger got off the phone and started chatting me, wondering how much to tell me about what David had just said...

But I cut him off and lit into him for telling Carla about this board in the first place. He said:

"I thought it was important for her to know she was being talked about in a public place. I didn't say what forum it was or anything. Just a public board. He must be good."

I said, "You could've asked me if I'd been 'outing' her first. Which I wasn't."

:mad:

Then I said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore. We can talk more later in person." We've already had a date planned. So he said OK, but then asked me if I had any online resources about, "...what makes adding a third to an existing couple so difficult."

I said, "I am done talking about this now."

So, reading between the lines, it's obvious David had suggested a 3way so he can keep an eye on his woman. I don't know if he's bi. Ginger probably knows that by now though. Either way, he seems to want a 3some.

And maybe most of you will think, like I did, OMFG not that. Because I could sure see that being a disaster. Biggest newbie poly mistake. In fact, Ginger should see that, knowing that that is how I started in poly back in 1999 with my ex, and how it nearly killed me.
 
Doesn't it suck when a metamour or their spouse reads your blog and you get made out to be the bad guy? My metamour's hub got upset with me for 1) giving him the name I had (seems like he should have said something to me about it when I first came up with it not 2) where I mentioned therapy which was mentioned in a post while I was struggling. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=261693&postcount=81I didn't put it there to be like "omg can you believe it he needs a counselor. Nope just a matter of fact statement that there are underlying issues there. He told me I really hurt him by posting that. I don't see how but guess I did, shrug.

Outcome of that: I told him I never wanted to be texted again. I didn't want to hear from either him or bassman about his issues of wild orchids and bassman's relationship. The outcome: I moved into a healthier place.

Sorry I digressed and am using your post to vent so back to my point. This is an anonymous forum. We don't use real names and in our posts should be allowed freedom to voice our angsts, our joys, our pain without worrying someone will get upset by it. And if they do get upset they should deal with it and not request or dictate how we behave here.
 
"I thought it was important for her to know she was being talked about in a public place. I didn't say what forum it was or anything. Just a public board. He must be good."

You're talking about an anonymous person on an anonymous forum. That's a poor excuse for violating your privacy.
 
I do not fear losing him over her. I feel oddly competitive, since she is so much like a 15 years younger version of myself, a stay at home mom of 3, a pagan, a dancer, creative and smart. Of course, I said, she is not my clone. She has qualities that make us different.

miss p gets such different things from her 2 current OSOs, than I can offer. Ginger however, seems to get much of the same things I offer, from his new "love." sigh....

I realize that one of the boons of poly is being able to get different needs met with different people rather than having one person try to be everything. Often then the various partners are different one from another.

But the thing of it is, Ginger loves you. And it seems logical to me that if he were to meet someone that is a lot like you, as apparently Carla is, it would be natural to love her too. How could he not?
 
Possible somebody already said something about this, but somehow there are lots of comments in the last day I don't have time to read at the moment.

Are you doing/sharing google calendars? When one of my partners schedules stuff, although I've asked him to let me know, he is pretty forgetful and more often than not, I see things on the calendar and ask him about it days before he gets around to saying anything. Not sure if he's willing to set up a calendar to share with you, but it can be helpful for that sort of thing.

I'm also not a fan of all the things happening at once. My newer partner has two dates scheduled soon that are probably going to include sex right next to each other, and my older non spousal partner is being pursued suddenly by somebody who's had her eye on him and will be meeting her for a first date sort of thing soon. If my husband was dating at the moment too, I am pretty sure I'd be retreating into a ball to deal with all the things.

I did want to say you are pointing again about how he needs all the partners. It's a balancing act, when I'm stressed it's hard to have my partners seek out more. I also always felt having four partners was too many, and when I suddenly did, I judged myself some and now I have three. I think the number is less importance than compatibility in meeting what we need in our lives, and it seemed like you were finding it easier to think about the number instead of your needs and if they were met. I think you have/had had three at least recently? Four isn't really some great jump, it's about doing justice to the connections you already have.

As I *know* some things bother me, I've clearly point out to my partners that although I'm pleased as punch to talk about their new interests, I don't want to talk about them after sex if it's a new interest. If I get to know and like or feel comfy with a metamour I'll start bringing them up at that point so it becomes a part of rambling conversation, but otherwise I expect to be post coital cuddling to be about them and me and not wandering to other pastures out loud.

Hmm looks like some game changing stuff happened if I scroll down and see the most recent posts, maybe this is all irrelevant but I felt all talky tonight.
 
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Well, he came over and we made up!

He apologized over and over again for telling them about my threads here. He sees that was a big mistake.

Then we talked over the recent developments, David's bright idea to have a 3some as a solution to his jealousy... and also his bi-curiosity. Ginger told me his first reaction to David's suggestion was that he felt like he was a piece of meat. He was even crying (in a manly, tears leaking but no sobbing way) on and off for the first hour or so of our conversation. He was all jumpy and upset. I just kinda sat back, listened, and let him vent. He's in a pickle.

Carla wants to have their next date, and wants sexy time, before Ginger's operation on the 12th, which will have him out of commission sexually for a few weeks. But the way David is struggling, and the obvious unreadiness of these newbies, has Ginger saying that date as a deadline is way too soon. He plans to let them know that today, I think.

Meanwhile during this talk, miss pixi was getting ready to go out to spend the night at her friend's place. He came to pick her up and Ginger got to meet her good friend for the first time, which was nice.

Then we were alone, and the brunt of the hard talks were out of the way and we had a great bonding night, all to ourselves. Rarely happens we are all alone in the house. :) We had several sessions of great make up sex, he added some steering fluid to my van (it's leaky), we cooked and ate dinner, listened to records, and ended up watching some Cosmos on our big TV.

Obviously the idea of Ginger not telling me much about this developing relationship is not working out. LOL. He needed to tell me a lot because he is so overwhelmed and stressed by the whole thing now. But I was glad we got that hard talk and the tears out of the way so we could then just concentrate on us, and doing the things we like to do for the rest of the evening.

I think we made some good progress and I almost feel these shenanigans are now bringing us closer together. I feel valued again. Also I feel a little pleasant tinge of "I told you so," heh.
 
Still feeling calmer, but there are updates.

David and Carla had their first couples counseling session today, according to Ginger.

Ginger and Carla have an in public, "walk and talk" date now set for Thursday.

They had had a tentative plan to meet at this week's drum circle, be together there, and have her come to his place after. I think that is not going to happen now. At least the idea of her coming back home with him afterward. But it sounds like they will be dancing together... I wonder if David will go to keep an eye on them?

Naturally, I will not be going, I don't think I'd have fun feeling like a 3rd wheel.
 
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