Husband breaking up with GF, shift in poly-situation

Cleo

New member
I've written about it in other threads, but here's the background:
My husband has been with his GF for about a year. I had issues with her from the very beginning because she has another BF in another city who does not know about her relationship with my husband. Basically, she was / is living 2 seperate lives.
This has been the source of many heated and emotional arguments between me and my husband. I had big problems accepting her into my life because she was not open and honest, and I had problems accepting the fact that my husband seemed to be accepting of all this.

There were some safe sex rules broken recently. My husband was sorry and apologized, but also said: but I trust her completely!

Turns out she was not to be trusted.. he found out this week that she was lying to him about being with another guy (initially just lying about spending time with him, and then lying about the fact that she did have sex with him). BTW this was not the other BF, but a completely different guy.
Husband and GF had the explicit agreement that for both, it was ok to date / sleep with others, but that they would always be open and honest about it. Husband has told GF numerous times that he does not want to be treated like she treats her other BF. And now, this is exactly what happened.. the difference being, that my husband found out.

He is hurt and sad and confused. They have been emailing back and forth and she's coming up with the stupidest excuses for her cheating. I can see that my husband is angry about being lied to, but I know he also still loves her, and I am worried that when they meet in person to talk things over he will come under her spell again. He's a very smart and sensible man but he's done some weird things when in NRE with her before, and she's a very strange, complex, crazy woman who seems to be able to get away with a LOT. (He's been attracted to women like that all his life. Both his exes before me were like that: taking no responsibilities, crazy, impulsive, lying. I'm a completely different person, and I think it makes perfect sense that in our poly life, he picked someone like that to be his GF - its what he's drawn to).

So far, I've managed not to say "I told you so". I'm trying to be supportive, and just comfort him when he's sad, and listen to his rants. He has already said that maybe, he can forgive her, and that they can find a new way of being in a relationship - much more casual, not as committed on his part, but still a warm and possibly even sexual relationship.
When he said this I told him that while it's not my business how he chooses to manage his relationships, I don't want her sleeping in my bed anymore. (She was spending a lot of time in our house while I was spending time with my boyfriend). Was that a very unreasonable thing to ask for?

The other thing is.. and this is really confusing.. while I think that this is, in the end, a toxic relationship for him and not healthy, part of me does not want him to break up with her for some very selfish reasons that I'm ashamed to admit.
I have two lovers (my BF who I see very often, and another lover I see about once every 4-6 weeks). If my husband breaks up with GF the balance in our poly marriage will be completely gone. I'm worried he's ging to resent me spending time with my other partners, that he will need more of me now that he no longer has his other partner.
Yeah like I said this feels incredibly selfish. But still...

anyway, just venting I guess...
 
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This is a tricky one.

As for the selfish part... I don't believe there are any truly altruistic acts. Even the most kind and considerate action makes us feel good about being so kind and seeing the other person happy.

I think it's actually fair that you're considering the impact of him breaking up with her. You're just being realistic.

In terms of your discomfort with his girlfriend's personality and the way that she chooses to conduct herself... that's incredibly difficult.

Some people take the perspective that it's their partner's business and they don't have to even like this other person.

Other believe that it has a greater effect on the relationship between the original two people.

I'm not sure there is a right or wrong here. I think it comes down to your own personal expectations and boundaries.

If you don't like the girl, think she's bad for him and don't want her sleeping in your bed, I can understand that.

That being said, if you are of the viewpoint that he can choose to date whomever he wants, you have to be careful about putting restrictions on him that could make that concept difficult in practice.

I personally wouldn't want my girlfriend to date someone who was cheating on someone. I have a strict moral limit about it. I absolutely hate cheating. My girlfriend, on the other hand, thinks that there are two sides to every story and that if some people are 'stuck' and 'repressed' in their relationship, they have a right to happiness. She thinks that many monogamous people are selfish for not being open to poly. I don't agree with her, but there we go. She has a long-term online/phone lover whose wife doesn't know about it and she would sleep with him in person if she could. I find that difficult, but leave her to it and try not to judge, as he does actually seem good for her. Not toxic, like your husband's girlfriend. So I bite my tongue and let her get on with it.

Toxic partners can cause problems for everyone. Some people can turn a blind eye and some can't.

My girlfriend hated one of my other girlfriends. This girl lied, cheated and was quite toxic. I was completely enthralled with her. Your husband probably feels the way that I felt - toxic people push and pull you, create all kinds of emotions in yourself and they become like a drug. They can make the sanest of people fall apart and the most sensible of people crave them.

After about 8 months of seeing this other girl, my girlfriend became increasingly uncomfortable whenever I talked about her or spent time with her. In the end, she told me that if I kept seeing this girl, it would probably lead to the end of our relationship. That was her limit.

I've never known if that was right or wrong. I've resented it at times and understood it other times.

Can you cope with him being with her? Can you cope with the drama she brings? Would it ever end up being a deal breaker for you?

Perhaps you need to think about those things in your own mind and then think about what kind of restrictions would be fair. A more casual arrangement *could* work. But casual tends to end up drifting back into what it was.

Incidentally, what reasons did she give for lying to him about seeing this other guy? Or are they really irrelevant?
 
Incidentally, what reasons did she give for lying to him about seeing this other guy? Or are they really irrelevant?

from the very trivial ("it was an upsetting family situation that made me do it")
to "you (=husband) made me do it because you were asking too many questions and being too inquisitive" (and yes he was inquisitive, because he was suspicious, which turned out to be justified).

Can you cope with him being with her? Can you cope with the drama she brings? Would it ever end up being a deal breaker for you?

I think I could, it's just so hard seeing my husband setting himself up for something that can only lead to more pain. But I can't really tell him what to do... don't want to!

I think I am also mourning the loss of a naive dream I had - I was still hoping that she would tell the other BF, that she would become more open, and that she and I would become friends. I think that ship has sailed :(
 
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from the very trivial ("it was an upsetting family situation that made me do it")
to "you (=husband) made me do it because you were asking too many questions and being too inquisitive" (and yes he was inquisitive, because he was suspicious, which turned out to be justified).

~grins~ Ah.... the old .... "you made me do it... you put a gun to my head and made me drop my pants..."

Ridiculous.


I think I could, it's just so hard seeing my husband setting himself up for something that can only lead to more pain. But I can't really tell him what to do... don't want to!

I think I am also mourning the loss of a naive dream I had - I was still hoping that she would tell the other BF, that she would become more open, and that she and I would become friends. I think that ship has sailed :(

That sounded like a lovely dream. And hey... we all have dreams :)

If you take the viewpoint that your husband has to make his own mistakes, I understand that. I'm more like you in that respect. I've never come to a situation where I've threatened to break up with my girlfriend over one of her other lovers, even though she has with me. Everyone has different expectations, I suppose.

All you can really do in this case then, is support him and pray that he starts making better choices. Perhaps talk to him about why he makes these choices?

If he's got an unhealthy pattern... can that be changed? Or does it have to keep repeating itself? Is this kind of relationship pattern good for him in any way? Or does it always inevitably lead to bad stress and heartache?

What I mean by that... is that I don't mind dating quite selfish casual partners. I find some of their self-obsession amusing and the arguments can actually be thrilling. I'm not going to marry them, so those shortcomings aren't a no-go for me.

However, I used to have a pattern of ignoring the effect that any of this drama had on my girlfriend.

I've tried to change my pattern a bit. If I see that any of them are trying to push her buttons, they have to change that, or we end it.

I am grateful to my girlfriend, because she gave me a long, hard shake and pointed out my dating pattern. She pointed out how much crap I used to take from people and I realised it was unhealthy.

Ultimately, as you say, you don't want to control him. Maybe with some reflection you might be able to help him form a healthier pattern?
 
Let's say A and B are in a relationship. A is great at cooking. B isn't. B is great at fixing things. A isn't. A good balance of power here is an agreement that says B doesn't tell A how to cook, and A doesn't tell B how to fix things. Looking at only the "A doesn't tell B how to fix things" part, it seems really unfair. A has no power. The same is true with B and cooking. The overall power within the relationship as a whole is balanced, though, because the 2 areas of power that are weighed heavily in opposite directions come together to balance each other.

My impression is you and your husband have an agreement to stay out of each others dating life. Sounds fair on the surface. Looking under the surface, it is discovered your personal boundaries are much healthier than his. That means your opinion of how well he is maintaining his personal boundaries with his girlfriend needs to be more important than his opinion of your boundaries with your two lovers.

People aren't equal. That one of the reasons we all love to come together. I would figure out FOR YOURSELF what kind of OVERALL relationship balance you want with your husband. Push him as far as the overall balance you want allows, to show/teach/pressure/anything else you want to call it, him to get his boundaries as healthy as they can be inside of that balance you decide you want with him.

Maybe you think you already have a good balance. You have a "deal" with him that says you can spend the time you want with your two lovers if you allow him to be... ahhem... stupid with his girlfriend. Does the good cook have to yield to the bad cook every once in a while when the family should be able to tolerate a bad meal? No. That's not the way it works. The person with the better skills is in charge of all decisions made in that area.

You have the better boundaries. Spend the time with your lovers that you want to and push him to have better boundaries with anyone he is with - within the balance you PRIVATELY (because he's not good with boundaries) decide you want with him.

sparklepop, your thoughts about what toxic people are capable of is spot on.
 
Nasty situation for you to be in - others have given some great advice and viewpoints. I hope you don't mind if I add mine...

As you have said, it's up to each of you to choose which relationships you are in and how to nurture them. But I think it's also important of you to communicate anything that you see that is problematic so that he can take it on board. If that has been communicated clearly (and it sounds like it was) then it his up to him what he does with that information.

A lot of folks (me included) get blinded by NRE - this is why I tend to trust the instincts of my partners and why I like it if they meet any new prospective folks that come into my life.

If you try to influence too much, he will end up resenting you and possibly blaming any failure of the relationship on you. He has to get there himself. It can be painful to watch, I know.

You also need to protect yourself, though - this may be setting some boundaries for activity - like sleeping in your bed, or the fluid bond that you have with your husband (if she is habitually lying about her relationships, how can you trust her safer sex practices?).

Try to document what you have discussed with him. When this episode passes, in the calm after the inevitable storm that is coming, sit him down and talk about how something like this can be avoided in future. Without getting into "I told you so" mode, note that you saw a lot of problematic behaviour that made you uncomfortable and he seemed oblivious to.

This will help him to develop his own spidey-sense when it comes to future relationship material.
 
Even though you don't want to tell hubs what to do, you can still voice your concerns in a way that won't come across as an ultimatum or "I told you so." She has proven herself untrustworthy and now needs to regain trust if she wants to be in his life again. Start off with something like, "Honey, I hate to see you hurting so much, but I am concerned about ___ if you continue to see her." Point out that she could just lie to him and cheat again, and that you don't want to see him suffer even more. I also think it is a perfectly reasonable request that she not have sex with him in your bed (or your home, for that matter). You don't need the energies of unbalanced, dishonest people in the room where you rest, seek sanctuary, and are intimate with your husband.
 
well, a little update: my husband saw the GF on Sunday and they talked for hours. I'm having a hard time understanding what they talked about, even though he tried to tell me in detail. There seems to be a lot of going round in circles and a lot of confusion. They're meeting again tonight, at our house. I asked him that they don't have sex and that she won't spend the night.


Start off with something like, "Honey, I hate to see you hurting so much, but I am concerned about ___ if you continue to see her." Point out that she could just lie to him and cheat again, and that you don't want to see him suffer even more. I also think it is a perfectly reasonable request that she not have sex with him in your bed (or your home, for that matter). You don't need the energies of unbalanced, dishonest people in the room where you rest, seek sanctuary, and are intimate with your husband.

If they stay together, it will be the kind of relationship where cheating is no longer an issue, because they will adopt a DADT policy. My husband is not really sure he can make this work but I think he wants to.
I just KNOW that he comes under her spell the moment he spends time with her.
Anyway, if they do this, I will distance myself from her and her relationship with my husband even more. It remains to be seen how much of an issue this will be between me and husband. But the thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I really don't want her sleeping in my bed anymore. Sleeping at her place is not a possibility, so my husband already pointed out that if he were to start this more casual, FWB relationship with a DADT policy, he has nowhere to go. Right now, my reaction to this is 'I don't care'... I am mad, and this thing is really the only thing i can do to give this anger a voice.

The thing I struggle with is that I really want us to be indivuduals who are dating. I don't want to veto, I don't want to control him. I think the way he handles his connections with others is ultimately his business, and he needs to learn his own lessons just like I do.
BUT...Where does the responsibility for my own well being come in? how much can I ask of him, what can I ask him to give up for me, within the context of our relationship?
 
If he's got an unhealthy pattern... can that be changed? Or does it have to keep repeating itself? Is this kind of relationship pattern good for him in any way? Or does it always inevitably lead to bad stress and heartache?

What I mean by that... is that I don't mind dating quite selfish casual partners. I find some of their self-obsession amusing and the arguments can actually be thrilling. I'm not going to marry them, so those shortcomings aren't a no-go for me.

Yes, I really do think that this relationship pattern is good for him in a way. He is an extremely sensible, logical, controlled and reasonable guy. He needs dark women pull out his dark side, to become unsettled. He enjoys the unsettling effect they have, he even enjoys the pain, in a way. I think he enjoys giving up control.
he would not choose a woman like that to be his life partner.. that's why he chose me.. but it is something he needs in his life, and I think it brings him more than bad stress and heart ache.
and for the record: his ex (before me) was like this, but he and I have been together for almost 2 decades, and he has not dated anyone like this since we opened our marriage, so it's not like he's looking for a new unsettling woman every week :)
 
I just KNOW that he comes under her spell the moment he spends time with her.
Have you told him this? Is he aware of her effect on him?

Anyway, if they do this, I will distance myself from her and her relationship with my husband even more. It remains to be seen how much of an issue this will be between me and husband. But the thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I really don't want her sleeping in my bed anymore. Sleeping at her place is not a possibility, so my husband already pointed out that if he were to start this more casual, FWB relationship with a DADT policy, he has nowhere to go. Right now, my reaction to this is 'I don't care'... I am mad, and this thing is really the only thing i can do to give this anger a voice.
Mad or not, you have every right to protect your sanctuary and request that your bed be off-limits. He can go have sex in the car or the woods or rent a hotel room. If she is that important, they can find a way without crossing your boundary. Poly should be about consent and respect, so if you are against having someone you don't trust in your bedroom and in your bed, do not feel guilty or bad about asking for that to be sacred to just you and your husband. You don't have to consent to his fucking her in your bed. Many, many poly couples who share a bed have a rule that other partners do not use the bed. May I also point out, however, that you should probably not have your bf in your bed either, to be fair.
 
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updating

Well, its been a couple of weeks, but things haven't really calmed down yet.

Husband and his GF are still communicating through text and email, she's coming back to town next week, and I'm pretty sure they'll meet... but it's very unclear where things are, what he wants or needs or expects, and where this is all gonna go. So, a lot of emotional upheaval there, confusion and hurt.

And to bring this back to what this topic was originally about.. the whole situation is causing a major shift in the balance we had achieved over the past couple of months. Because my husband is going through this break-up that nobody even knows if its really a break up, he's very vulnerable, and is experiencing jealousy and insecurities when it comes to my relationships. It's funny because I always used to be the insecure one, and now its him.

It's gotten to the point where he is asking me not to see my boyfriend. My dates with him are on the same schedule as 4 months ago, but all of a sudden husband says things are going too fast, its too soon, etc.

Now, I really want to help him.. but it's confusing and complicated. There's my boyfriend, who lives in another city.. I'm his only partner, we love each other, enjoy spending time together. He is VERY understanding (and he has met my husband a couple of times, they get on quite well, he knows about the difficult stuff husband is going through, and he always asks how he is etc.) but still it makes me feel horrible to tell him 'I can't come and see you for 10 days because my husband is freaking out and he needs me for himself for a bit'. Yet, this is the email I have to write today or tomorrow.

And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.

Today I felt really really sad and was thinking is this all worth it? I feel I am capable of loving more than one.. I even feel that my marriage is strong enough to do this.. but on days like today I feel like it's just too damn complicated. And then I even find myself wishing that my husband won't break up with his GF because of this ugly balance-shift. And the next minute I feel that she is one of the reasons he's feeling so insecure (after all, she cheated on him) and that she will only bring more drama... but then again, it's not up to me to decide for him, but what CAN I decide? it just seems like I have no power here. Ugh.
 
I'm so sorry things haven't settled down. It's really awful that its now been complicated by him wanting you to draw back from your other relationship.

Truth is, I hold my husband's partners to the same level of expectation as I do for infidelity. If he cheated on me, we would break up, if his partner cheated on him and he wanted to keep seeing her, I would have to break up with him. I don't like to gamble with my sexual health when the odds are bad, fool me once, etc etc.

I also would not want to set up that precedent for the rest of my life, where he feels free to choose partners that treat him badly or break agreements, then I have to deal with repeated drama and fallout. I get the feeling people with a stable partner at home do that sometimes, they make more allowance for other partners, and accept stuff they wouldn't if they were single and looking for a husband or wife. If my husband wants to date somebody with issues, so be it, but if they regularly spill over onto our relationship, not OK with me.

I know some people feel strongly that nobody has any rights about who their partners choose to partner with, but when your life and other relationship are being so affected by this (and your husband is trying to now change your other relationship for no wrongdoing on either of your parts) I don't know that applies.

If you feel horrible about not seeing your bf for 10 days but are willing to do it, then write that, and let your husband know what you wrote too. "Sweetie I feel horrible about this, but this one time my husband needs me to back off for a bit, and I am willing to do it because he is struggling, but I want to let you know that it won't be repeated unless there is a horrible crisis like disease or death, because I know it's not fair to you"

10 days isn't so long in the scheme of things. Of course I don't think your husband needs you for any healthy reasons, so that's why I'd be clear this was a one time deal. On the other hand, if you feel strongly about this, you can set a precedent for yourself and say NO, because it doesn't make sense that you or he would be punished for issues with him and his "ex"gf. Only you know if he would somehow punish you for that.

And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.

So just to clear things up for you, I think your needs should come at least slightly ahead anybody else involved. What ARE they?
 
...Because my husband is going through this break-up that nobody even knows if its really a break up, he's very vulnerable, and is experiencing jealousy and insecurities when it comes to my relationships . . .

It's gotten to the point where he is asking me not to see my boyfriend. My dates with him are on the same schedule as 4 months ago, but all of a sudden husband says things are going too fast, its too soon, etc.

Now, I really want to help him.. but it's confusing and complicated . . . And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.

You've said everything here that I would say to my husband if I were you:
"Look honey, I know things are confusing, and you're upset and feeling vulnerable, and I want to be there for you as much as I can. But I have needs, too, and so does my BF. You say things are going too fast with me, when nothing has changed at all from what it was before. So, obviously, you're looking at it through your inner turmoil, and my limiting time with the BF isn't really going to lessen your turmoil.

I made a commitment to both of you, and I can't hold your hand every minute of the day, so you have to figure out how to get through this and what I can do to support you, but I won't put my other relationship on hold just because you're feeling insecure. He's an important part of my life and it's unfair for me to set him aside. Let me show you that I can be there for you and still have time for him."​

Sorry, I do often write "scripts" like this, just because it's easier than trying to paraphrase what I think you could address. Of course, I'm not really telling you what to say, and you would phrase it in a way that feels natural to you, but that is my take on your situation. I believe in relationship triage, but I also feel that one's partners have to trust that we can manage all of our multiple relationships as we see fit, and no one's insecurities (even a spouse's) should dictate how or when to spend time with another love.
 
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So just to clear things up for you, I think your needs should come at least slightly ahead anybody else involved. What ARE they?

Yeah, that's a really good question and something I need to work on: knowing my own needs.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in not wanting to hurt / disaappoint others, that I don't really know anymore, what is the actual reason behind me wanting something.
 
You've said everything here that I would say to my husband if I were you:
"Look honey, I know things are confusing, and you're upset and feeling vulnerable, and I want to be there for you as much as I can. But I have needs, too, and so does my BF. You say things are going too fast with me, when nothing has changed at all from what it was before. So, obviously, you're looking at it through your inner turmoil, and my limiting time with the BF isn't really going to lessen your turmoil.

I made a commitment to both of you, and I can't hold your hand every minute of the day, so you have to figure out how to get through this and what I can do to support you, but I won't put my other relationship on hold just because you're feeling insecure. He's an important part of my life and it's unfair for me to set him aside. Let me show you that I can be there for you and still have time for him."​

Sorry, I do often write "scripts" like this, just because it's easier than trying to paraphrase what I think you could address. Of course, I'm not really telling you what to say, and you would phrase it in a way that feels natural to you, but that is my take on your situation.

Thanks nycindie. We had a really good talk last night and I actually said much of what you wrote in your 'script' :) before I even read it ;)
My husband and I have amazing connection and communication between us. When we do sit down and make time to talk, it only takes a couple of minutes before we are really connecting again, listening, understanding.

He started asking me questions, not like interrogating me but out of true interest in my relationship with bf, and I think my answers put him at ease. He also really opened up about his feelings about where things are with ex-or-no-ex gf. We then agreed to spend 3 consecutive evenings together, the beginning of next week. I agreed with him that we had not been spending enough time together, which is not only because of the time we spend with our other partners, but also because of work and other obligations. I guess there was a little too much of the 'taking each other for granted' going on.

So after we agreed on those 3 nights, and were thinking about fun stuff to do together, and agreeing that I would go see my bf after those 3 nights, something happened today... Husband sent me an email and said : so instead of doing 3 consecutive nights, how do you feel if we spend 2 nights, I see L (GF) for 1 night, and then you and I have another date? (she's coming back to town after being away for 2 weeks).
I said sure fine, but in that case I think I'll go see BF when you are with her
and he said sure, that sounds fair, lets do it like that...

So that was some nice and easy negotiating ....

We are progressing, but boy it's hard work sometimes....
 
I'm glad it all worked out and everyone's happy. Apparently he only needed you a bit to himself meant consecutive 2 nights. :D Does this mean a slightly shorten version of your trip is back on?

Reading this I could see the potential for many conflicting emotions. You're happy to support him during his troubling time yet it really hurts because it forced you to cancel your 10 day trip and put the other 2 relationships in limbo. You're happy because you both connect and acknowledge the lack of dates, time and attention to each other and the result is a plan to correct it....3 consecutive nights. Its sad and possibly hurtful that 12 hrs later a better/more pressing offer comes up to disrupt the plan. However you're happy because this new plan gives you an op to see the bf. And maybe you didn't want or need 3 consecutive nights you were just being supportive. You almost have to weigh each side ...wow ...very complex.


Looking at his actions and reactions .... sitting here in the cheap seats I'd have a hard time altering my plans too much in the future. Id say its time he got with the program....everything is great when he's dating. "we're" poly when I'm dating ...the world stops when I'm not dating. Time to suck it up.
 
Hmm as I read it DH, it was a 10 days of not seeing bf, not a 10 day trip. If I'm wrong I would've responded differently.

I would find it an issue if my husband asked for 3 days with just me, I changed my plans, then he found it inconvenient because his gf is going to be in town so said he didn't need the third. You might have jumped on it because it gave you an easy way to go see your bf but looking at it more objectively, it could set a bad precedent of changing plans to suit him, and I agree with DH - :rolleyes: an attitude of "it's fine when he's dating but not when he's not"

I am glad you spoke up for what you wanted though, and please do work on that list of your own needs!
 
Yup...great pick up Anne ....my brain inserted a nonexistent " the" in front of 10 days. I guess I need to slow down :eek: Luckily it doesn't really alter the substance of my comment. :)

Don't worry I don't think anyone will hold it against you for agreeing with me :rolleyes: second thought there might be a couple:D don't let it happen again.
 
My reply

a little background; i am in my first poly relationship. my Mistress, 52F, has been married to her husband, 50M, for 32 years. Her husband had two gf's until one inadvertantly outted the other to her family that didnt know. He now has only one gf. Mistress is my only relationship. i am going through a rough divorce right now. my ex cheated on me several times. :mad:

that said, i find cheating unforgivable, based on the reasoning that if you cheat once, you will cheat again. your husbands gf, for whatever reason, has cheated, and in all probability will again. i believe you are right in your discomfort in this. letting her off so ealsiy may be detrimental in your relationship with your husband in the near and distant future. :(

my Mistress and Her Husband have what they call "Ultimate Veto Power" in reguards to their extra-marital relationships. any and all lovers they have are subject to the approval of their spouse first, and throughout the life of those relationships. before either starts a relationship, the other meets and makes a relationship with the other and decides if this is a beneficial relationship or a toxic threat. all parties agree to the veto power and that His and Her relationship comes first. this must be agreed on by all.

i tell you this in the hopes that you will step back and re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. you married him. he married you. if you love each other, and im sure you do, you need to value this relationship higher than your bf and his gf. they need to know that you do. that you're united in this relationship first. that all others come second. if anybody (cough cough his gf cough cough) senses that you are divided, they will exploit you and him and know that neither of you will take a stand. unity is a must.

i wish nothing but the best for you and all your relationships. please dont take this as insult.

best wishes,
GP
 
dingedheart and Anneintherain, things were a little different than I described and hence different than you interpreted.... That's what happens when I try not to type posts that are too long...
I was actually the one who proposed the '3 nights together' and intially, we did not specify whether they would be consecutive.. just '3 nights the beginning of next week'.

I then sent him an email telling him I blocked 3 nights in my calendar for us, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. This was a typo of mine - I meant Sunday Monday Tuesday, but I'm horible with things like that, and will often say right when I mean left etc :)
Anyway he then emailed me back and said 'did you mean Sunday Monday Tuesday, or Sunday Monday Wednesday, because if you meant the latter, I could maybe meet the GF on Tuesday.'
And then I said that's fine and then I'll go meet the BF.

dingedheart, yes, it was not going to see the BF for 10 days and not a 10 day visit..
He lives in another city and it takes me about 2 hours to get there. Which is why I visit him about once a week.. if I go see him on weekdays, I have to get up insanely early to make it to work on time, and during the weekends I often have other obligations. Once a week is working fine for us, and 10 days instad of one week really is not that much of a deal to either me or BF. What I was worried about was my husbands neediness.

On the other hand, to me it doesn't really feel like his attitude is that it's fine when he's dating and not when he's not dating.
He's been incredibly supportive of my relationships and still is. He just had a LOT to deal with the past couple of weeks.

3 days after he found out his GF cheated on him and they broke up (its not clear now wether they are broken up, but at that point they were) my BF came to visit my for a long weekend. I was house sitting for a friend and my BF was there with me for 4 days, while my husband was home alone, sad and hurting. Honestly, I don't know if it had been me, if I could have dealt with that. We talked on the phone and met briefly during that time, and he reassured me that he did not want to mess up my weekend with the BF, but it was obvious that he was having a really hard time.
In that light, I did not feel it was that unreasonable that when the drama between him and GF continued, he asked me to slow down just a little bit.

Not unreasonable, but still hard for me to deal with, and upsetting, which was what my post was about.

All that being said, the relationship between him and the GF, is still a major sourc of discussion between us. Very curious and a little scared what will happen when they meet again next week.
 
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