New member, very confused

Hi all. Just wanted to say thanks again for all the helpful advice. As hard as I'm going to try I don't feel very confident in things working out well. I'm almost at a point where I want to simply ask her not to see him ever again, and for them to go back to being old friends that occasionally write letters to each other. There's too much that I know for a fact she's not telling me about their relationship, I've given her every chance imaginable for her to come clean and she hasn't. I even told her that there's zero chance in my allowing their relationship to continue without her telling me everything.

It just sucks all around. She still says she'll never leave me for him. I just am not looking forward to the depression and resentment that will take place if things don't work out her way. But like you've all said, I can't go along with something if I'm not truly invested in it.
 
I'm almost at a point where I want to simply ask her not to see him ever again, and for them to go back to being old friends that occasionally write letters to each other.
OK, fair enough, but if you are pretty certain that she is lying to you about what she is doing now, do you really think that you will feel any more trust if the two of you agree that she and he should just be friends? How will you feel secure that she's not still seeing him and that they are lovers?

This is what I have been trying to say about building the trust. If you can't get that then no matter what you agree, it's going to be very hard to have a functional relationship, in my opinion.
 
Well everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for the help, kind words and simply the fact that your forum exists. You are more welcoming and warm to new members like myself who come along with seemingly the same problems and questions than any other forum that I've been to.

Unfortunately, it appears as if my case is not as simple as I thought. After some more talking and discussions with my wife, and some input from a friend of hers that's been trying to help, it appears that my wife just decided that she doesn't love me any more, she feels regret at marrying me in the first place (yeah, I know, that was over 10 years ago), and just wants out. But she's too scared to do it herself, so I think she's just decided to bide her time until I finally throw in the towel and leave. What hurts me the most is that we have two wonderful kids (3 & 6), and I feel like my wife probably won't even care that I'm going to ask for full and complete custody with very little visitation on her part. I honestly think that she can't stand being around the kids. It blows my mind that someone can do what she's doing. The hurt I feel is beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
 
Simply sad for you...I've got nothing to offer other than when her new relationship energy dies off maybe she'll wish she had of thought more about her decisions.
Go find better my friend

Peace and Love
Mono
 
The hurt I feel is beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
I really feel for you - this is a horrible thing to have to go through, and even worse when the people involved can't be honest and open with each other about it.

I hope that you get some clarity and a clearer path ahead. I'm not sure that we were really much help to you, but if it was a little, then I'm glad.
 
I have one thing to say and that is, this SUCKS.

I hope your kids are not damaged by this impending ordeal, and I hope you are able to find true happiness with someone(s) else.
 
That really sucks. My ex has no contact with my kids, it's sad because they ask about him and think I made him leave. I try not to say anything bad about him to them, I figure they'll figure it out themselves eventually.
 
Thinking about it more...you should figure out what you want, what you can't deal with, and what you'd be able to live with, and ask your wife to do the same. It's important for kids to have consistent parental involvement, but that doesn't mean that the parents have to be married to each other- and if she doesn't want to be part of their daily life, then maybe it's better for her to just not have much contact with them than drift in and out of their lives based on whims.

Just try to think outside the box a bit. What if you got divorced, but shared a duplex so the kids saw both of you every day? What if you formed a MFM household? What if you continued a financial/parenting partnership, while each of you had other romantic/sexual involvements?

I'm wondering if her current attitude is how she really feels, or if she's just freaking out over the possibility of losing the new shiny. This is somewhat different circumstances (since she was cheating) but it's really hard having a relationship end (or even have to take a break) when you're in the middle of NRE and neither of you wants to end it---whoever or whatever comes between you ends up seeming like the bad guy, no matter how justified they were, or how hard you try not to resent them, because your brain is all jacked up on dopamine like a junkie, and they're stopping you from getting your fix. (Yes, I've BTDT, and I'm suspecting it'd be more intensely painful if all contact other than letter writing was forbidden, although it's probably easier to forget about someone if you aren't around them all the time....then again, it's probably easier to idealize someone if you don't have to listen to the snore and smell their farts and pick up their dirty socks that they leave randomly strewn around the house...) That's why some people refer to the retro-active veto as the nuclear option- it often damages or even destroys the relationship it was intended to save- even though in your case, it doesn't rationally apply because you hadn't given consent before things started, but junkies are not rational.
 
StitchwitchD, I think your last paragraph probably sums up where things are at right now. Although she's been with this guy for 4 months (and I've known 2 weeks), I'm hoping she's still in that NRE that every talks about, and that's making it as hard as it's been for her to let go of him. They've corresponded via email a couple times in the past week, however she's still lying to me that they have had zero communication. What's best for me, if she continues to "relapse" and keep communicating or even worse if she sees him face to face, is that things between us end. I can't stand the lying, I can't stand the suspicion and I can't stand the lack of trust. I won't put myself through it. What's best for the kids (besides of course this never happening), I believe, is for my wife to see them as little as possible, yet on a some type of schedule, such as a few weekends/month. I can't stand the thought, and I worry about the kids, of her new boyfriend/lover being around the kids and the kids seeing them being affectionate towards each other.

But fear we're losing focus here and no longer talking about anything that has to do with your forum.
 
I'm hoping she's still in that NRE that every talks about
I'm sorry if this is harsh, but NRE is not excuse for cheating, which is what she is doing.

I can't stand the lying, I can't stand the suspicion and I can't stand the lack of trust. I won't put myself through it.
Nor should you. Nobody should.


But fear we're losing focus here and no longer talking about anything that has to do with your forum.
Far from it - I think the issues that you are raising are all too common for people coming into poly on less than an optimal path, and I think that many come through that path rather than the enlightened route.
 
MrMom,

We feel for you - we really do.
But what's important- as you say- right now is the kids. You (both) are going to be giving them their first lesson in relationships and conflict resolution. They will carry that forward into their own lives !
So.........
People get 'married' for various reasons. Often it seems the wrong ones - or prematurely. Then some (not implying you guys) feel that children will 'fix' the gap that everyone senses. Bring you closer together. Doesn't work.
The hope now is that you BOTH realize the position you are in, in relation to the children. Ideally the children learn from this that 'love' has many forms and is subject to change over time. As people learn more about each other and grow in their own lives - it can happen that they grow apart. Of course the loving way to acknowledge and process this is with respect. It's a love of a different form - a desire for the other person to be able to move their life in the direction that's best for them - even if it means moving in opposite directions. And there's no inherent conflict in that. But the kids need that broken down in terms THEY can understand and it's sooooo important that they realize that it doesn't impact the love you both have for them. I know she DOES love them. I think it's literally impossible for a mother not to love her blood bonded offspring. But in her confusion and self absorption (we only have your side of the story) they are being pushed to the side. Sad. That WILL change ! If you can make space for that and try to explain to the kids about her confusion & distraction, and offer them the assurance that she still loves them and will "recover" in a little while - it will help a lot. Like an illness.
But it's "OK" for lovers to grow apart and need to go off in their own direction. In some cases it's absolutely the only sensible option. But it CAN be done with love & kindness and support.
Therin lies the lesson........

GS
 
Some people say that NRE lasts about 1000 hours, which just counts time actually spent together or in direct communication. So, she's still way in NRE- which does not excuse cheating, it's just something you should keep in mind if you want to understand her side of things.

People who are forcibly separated during NRE historically have done some pretty crazy things- my grandpa forbid my mom to date my dad, so they drove to Iowa, lied about their ages and got married. This is why people shouldn't make any major decisions while in NRE.

So, you've got a choice. You can hurt her, make her chose between her children and her lover (which being forced to make that painful choice would make many people consider the option between hurting and lying). You could do as much as possible to make her life really suck, to get back at her for cheating on you....

Or, if you still love her, you could try to understand how she feels, and try to work with her to figure out a compromise that will work okay for everyone.

Myself, I've found it much easier to stick with boundaries that seem to show some consideration for what the other people involved want- like when I was first dating a new guy, his wife wasn't comfortable with us having PIV, but she was okay with safer activities, so we did a lot of making out and cuddling and various other things, it was nice taking it slow and it meant more when she did relax the boundaries.
In another situation with another couple, the wife decided she wasn't comfortable with me doing ANYTHING sexual with her husband, she knew I still wanted to, she knew he wanted to, but she wasn't willing to even discuss it or say WHY it was such a problem, and she's frequently left us in situations where we'd have opportunity to ignore her boundaries, if we had less ethics or didn't care so much about her feelings- but sometimes it makes me wonder if she doesn't care, or she doesn't understand, or if she's testing us or what. It's hard doing the right thing to make someone else happy when it seems like they don't care if you're happy.
 
Back
Top