BDsm

I don't like my hair pulled for pain, I like it pulled so I can't really move my head.

Ever play with hair bondage. Can be quite beautiful and useful :) In the more complex form, I had a friend (bondage bunny) who was suspended, in part by her hair. Very cool to watch and see :)
 
Ever play with hair bondage.
This is all pretty new to me. My husband was never into anything slightly kinky. I just have always known I like some bondage type activities, like handcuffs and restraints, whether it's me being restrained or my partner. But I haven't done very much of it. When it's me being restrained, I enjoy fighting against it, too, and struggling (a little). I like things like being blindfolded, having my hair pulled, wearing a tight corset, all of which has felt kinky enough for me in my pretty vanilla world.

Now that I'm getting divorced, I'm exploring this all again, but a lot of what I read about D/s turns me off. Although, some of it appeals to me. I was surprised the other night at how much I liked hearing, "Good girl," when I did something my date really liked. It was a response in me I hadn't expected to experience. I just don't like the idea of day-to-life in a Dom/Sub relationship. I like the potential of being overpowered in the bedroom, and although I am loathe to admit it, it's sort of like a rape fantasy -- but I don't like [much] pain. My date was a rather large man, at 6'5" and 280 lbs, so that came into play, too, feeling a little dangerous.

However, I am always very cautious about any of this stuff.
 
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Really quick, I just wanted to say thank you for replying about the community and whether I should worry. I've already talked to Easy, and he said forget them, if he has a problem he'll let me know, so I guess my responsibility ends there. Asha isn't pressuring me, she just mentioned that she saw it and that she felt like we were being judged, and that's where it ended. I just feel a lot of pressure from myself to make things work for everyone, I guess.

Nycindie, what you're saying sounds a lot like I was a few months ago. If it's any comfort, not everyone is 24/7, and there's all different flavors of dom and sub, top and bottom, master and slave...it's mind-boggling.
 
Okay, so question for the people active in their local BDSM community. I'm worried, but maybe it's for nothing.

So I was talking to Asha today, and she said that she had seen me snub Easy during a munch we went to. I know that some of the people here are very judgmental and concerned with how "proper" subs and doms are supposed to act. I've been getting some weird looks that I can't interpret, and some people won't talk to me no matter how friendly I am. Now I'm worried that I'm not behaving in the accepted way, and it's affecting how we're accepted. Normally, I'd (probably) say oh well, I guess we're not friends. But this is important to Asha.

Easy says he doesn't care, I can be how I am and it doesn't matter if people accept me. How important are appearances? Should I be worried that I broke some code and now no one will ever accept me? I suppose that I could allow myself to be ousted for the good of the group, but it would be somewhat painful to be the only one who couldn't go to get-togethers. Actually, I'm not sure I could accept being the babysitter while everyone else went out. Maybe that's selfish.

How am I supposed to be acting? I was given the impression that I could be myself, but am I really supposed to be kneeling at Easy's feet?

I am a very non-traditional slave! If people don't like who I am, what I do, how Breathes & I interact they can just not be around us! I can be in a room with 200 people or 50 people and STILL avoid those whom I just do not want to be around.

If you or Easy are having a problem with how things are progressing then it needs to be addressed. If it's everyone else that's having a problem then it's THEIR problem.

Other people may not agree with our dynamic. Know what? Not OUR problem! I have full permission to tell these people where to go & how to get there IF they should say anything about it to me. Most people, at least here, have a little more respect for our style than to actually say anything.
 
I've only really started exploring DBSM, in earnest, in the last year and a half. While I have been into bondage for the last 6 years and I had never really been able to explain to my husband just how much I really enjoyed pain (biting, spanking, nails carving into my skin, etc. are all huge turn ons for me), and the whole Dom/ Sub thing just freaked me out. Growing up in an abusive household I was never going to let ANYONE own me. This was especially difficult for me when the third party in our first poly relationship turned out to not want us as a couple, but instead wanted to be my husbands pet - to be completely owned and controlled by him and never have to think for herself. That relationship has long since imploded and for a long time we avoided the whole BDSM thing all together. However, time and life have a way of changing a person and 2009 was a year of self discovery for me, I think that we are finally making progress again. 2010 has been a year of me trying to convince the hubby and, occasionally, remind the boyfriend that I am ready to explore again - with both of them. So far I'm working with the hubby to meet my masochistic needs and the boyfriend on learning how to be a good sub w/o losing myself (which has always been my biggest fear). I'm not there yet, but I'm making progress and hopefully one of these days I'll be comfortable enough to play submissive for the hubby. After the fiasco with the ex g/f I had these nightmares of being forced to be completely submissive to him all the time - the whole woman know your place kind of thing. I can handle the idea of being a sub for him in the bedroom, but I'm much more comfortable being in control..... so I occasionally ask myself why I fell inlove with 2 dominant guys? And I get that I was wishy washy for a long time (almost 5 years), but now that I'm out and honest about what I want, why is it so hard to get my needs met?
 
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Hey guys, I haven't read through this whole thread yet, but it has been very enlightening. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate being able to voice my opinions and questions without being shot down. I also hope that I expressed clearly that I was only discussing what appeals to me. I do try not to judge, although I have a hard time with some things I have read about. However, since this is a time in my life when I do want to discover with an open mind what I want for myself in relationships and sex, I am going to attend a "Novice" meeting next month at a really big BDSM support group here in NYC.

In the interest of research and understanding, of course. ;)
 
funny thing, hair pulling is a part of sex for me. It isn't a D/s thing. Its something I like...I don't consider it kinky. I also tend to restrain when having sex, I don't consider that kinky either.

I would see pulling hair as more sadistic as anything, if I was to think about it. Its a pain process, not necessarily a submissive one.

I also see hair-pulling as a sex thing. But it's not a pain thing for me, it's a restraining/power thing for me.
But I can see the very thin line that would change that.
Fortunately Maca knows I don't care for pain-so he doesn't take it over that line. ;)

I'll keep in mind not to ask you for any internet hairpulling! :eek:
Just internet hugs!
;)
 
I just don't like the idea of day-to-life in a Dom/Sub relationship. I like the potential of being overpowered in the bedroom, and although I am loathe to admit it, it's sort of like a rape fantasy -- but I don't like [much] pain. My date was a rather large man, at 6'5" and 280 lbs, so that came into play, too, feeling a little dangerous.

However, I am always very cautious about any of this stuff.

I have always had fantasies about a rape scene. But I've never gone through with it-big trust requirement there (and the right partner).

As for D/s, whilst there are those of us who do it 24/7, I think you would find in some cases (mine for example) that what that means isn't what you envision.
For example, there is NO "yes sir" or "no sir" in my dynamic. NONE. Not in any place or any time and there are rules that pertain only to when we are in the bedroom and alone. There are other little things we incorporate in day to day life (like making the bed) which seem totally "normal" to the rest of the world, but who does the bed making is the point in our dynamic and it results in making the D feel special and honored. Likewise there are things that are/aren't done, like sitting on the floor in front of the D when watching a movie or hanging out in the livingroom. Again-in a house of 10 people where there are only 5 seats in the livingroom, that looks normal to everyone else, but it results in making the D feel special and honored.
It's not about the "WHOLE" of BDSM every day, all day long. That would take the specialness out of it.
But-yesterday I wore a specific necklace designed strictly to remind me and Him of our D/s relationship-which is in practice mode still. It had NO BEARING on the outside world, or even people who know us. But it resulted in making us both feel special and making me feel excited and turned on by him and ideas of what might happen later.


THAT SAID-you can always do D/s activities at whatever amount appeals to you.
You can always do ONLY the actitives which appeal to you as well.
It's all your choice, your life, your choice.

So if you only like the "good girl" aspect, figure out what things he likes that make him want to say that, that you also enjoy doing and throw 'em in when you want to!
;)
 
Hey guys, I haven't read through this whole thread yet, but it has been very enlightening. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate being able to voice my opinions and questions without being shot down. I also hope that I expressed clearly that I was only discussing what appeals to me. I do try not to judge, although I have a hard time with some things I have read about. However, since this is a time in my life when I do want to discover with an open mind what I want for myself in relationships and sex, I am going to attend a "Novice" meeting next month at a really big BDSM support group here in NYC.

In the interest of research and understanding, of course. ;)

That's all excellent Nycindie! Not everyone can enjoy everything. :)

I have two separate and completely opposite D/s relationships.
In one I am the submissive and in the other I am the Mistress.
The first includes a lot of kink, bondage, but the second has NONE.
:)
Two TOTALLY different partners, two TOTALLY different dynamics, abilities and interests. :)

Meet people, ask questions, take it all with a grain of salt.
Read, research and again take it all with a grain of salt.
Then create for yourself whatever makes you thrive in your relationships!
 
I also see hair-pulling as a sex thing. But it's not a pain thing for me, it's a restraining/power thing for me.
But I can see the very thin line that would change that.
Fortunately Maca knows I don't care for pain-so he doesn't take it over that line. ;)

I'll keep in mind not to ask you for any internet hairpulling! :eek:
Just internet hugs!
;)

Hair pulling is a restraint thing for me as well. And even though I'm a masochist, I draw the line at having my hair pulled for more than just restraint; scalp pain just isn't pleasure for me. *shrugs* My boys know I'm weird and they love me anyway and have been amazingly patient with me while I figure out what I want/ need and what triggers panic attacks; all three of my sweeties know I was abused, but even I don't always understand what triggers a panic attack and my response isn't to cower, but to get aggressive.
 
I had a really interesting talk with a couple last night who have a very serious Master/slave relationship. She has been collared and has worked very hard for that priveldge. We talked about the "style" of BDSM and how it is not taken as seriously as she and her master regard it. We talked of the vulnerability it entails and how many people get involved on a casual level and don't grasp the intense letting go into sub space that she has experienced. We also talked about having patience as it is new to many and they need to figure out if it is for them or not.

They are also big in the lifestyle. They hadn't considered that in swinging there is also a level of vulnerability and that should also be respected. I know its not entirely common to think of this for swingers, but I wonder if I have planted a seed of thought in their heads about the whole thing. If one should be patient with kinksters learning and trying it out, shouldn't one be patient with swingers trying it out? Shouldn't there be a bit more caution and respect in the swingers community as there is in the kink community promotes?
 
If one should be patient with kinksters learning and trying it out, shouldn't one be patient with swingers trying it out? Shouldn't there be a bit more caution and respect in the swingers community as there is in the kink community promotes?
That makes sense to me. If I knew there was as much respect for safety and boundaries in swinging as I am learning there is in BDSM, I might try swinging. As it appears to me now, in the sense I get from people I know, there is no appeal in swinging for me.
 
That makes sense to me. If I knew there was as much respect for safety and boundaries in swinging as I am learning there is in BDSM, I might try swinging. As it appears to me now, in the sense I get from people I know, there is no appeal in swinging for me.
I can't say in every lifestyle community that there is a lack of respect and boundaries. I think the idea is more that the individual value the two... the thing is, and as far as I know from my experience, there isn't the same kind of attention and care as there is in the BDSM community... I am making a HUGE generalization, I know that... if anyone wants to call me out on this I am welcome to it. I need a bit of clarity on it all myself.
 
That makes sense to me. If I knew there was as much respect for safety and boundaries in swinging as I am learning there is in BDSM, I might try swinging. As it appears to me now, in the sense I get from people I know, there is no appeal in swinging for me.

The biggest boundary exists in swinging possible. Its called saying no. Can't get much stronger than that. There is no requirement for anything at the swinger club I have been too.

I also wouldn't judge swinging by the explanations that exist on poly sites, a lot of poly peoples views are skewed because of the strong distaste of casual sex.

I am not a swinger, I have been to a swingers club. It was relaxed and pretty cool. Just happened to be sex happening in some degree of privacy. For the record, not trying to push you torwards it, I am not even a swinger, but anything you learn about swinging especially from a poly board will generally be heavily biased. I frequent a swinger site (lurk only) where everyone is pretty cool and relaxed. There are an abundance of rules and boundaries, as much, if not more than bdsm. :) they have a lot of the same concerns that we as poly people do, they just happen to be capable of sex without love.

On a side note, bdsm related so I don't change the top, just bought an old school shower brush, can't wait to surprise pengrah with it :)
 
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Thanks for clarifying Ari. I don't know anything about clubs. The couple I talked to only go to house parties really. They have only been to special events at clubs such as a squirting demo. I have only been to house parties.

I have some thing in my head that swinging has more silent boundaries if there are any and more couple centric....

you know what... this isn't the place to talk about it... so I apologize for the interruption. Carry on.... :)
 
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Thanks for clarifying Ari. I don't know anything about clubs. The couple I talked to only go to house parties really. They have only been to special events at clubs such as a squirting demo. I have only been to house parties.

Ironically, I think the house party setup would feel...odd. Unless I was already sexually active with most of them. It would feel very pressurized due to the odd intimacy of it being a sexual house party. But I have never been to one and am not entirely sure, thats just my feel from the base description.

I wouldn't rule out trying it though, with the right people. In the end no still means no. I had to use it at the club I went to before and I am good at using it ;)...

ironically the club I went to doubles as a bdsm club on other nights. It looks fantastic for that, I would love to go back for that night specifically, the room(s) were dynamite and really set off the top/sadist in me. I could think of many devious things to do to Pengrah or Sourgirl in those rooms...
 
Is it the place in Seattle Ari? Center for sex positive communities I think it is called... or something like that.

Our community has sex parties where everyone knows each other... coming over? maybe you should get to know people here ;) There is a BDSM component I here too :D
 
. . . anything you learn about swinging especially from a poly board will generally be heavily biased.
Most of what I've surmised about swinging is not from poly forums. I have a friend and colleague who writes a blog about her escapades, and I've read other blogs by swingers, too.
 
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