Getting into a relationship with a married person

I really can't wait to meet you Pol!

Hahahahah, I'm sorry-I just can't help it. It's so damn funny to me to call you Pol and you know who Mon.
:D

But, as I was saying-I really can't wait to meet you. I wish you had more time to write on here-I do so love to read your thoughts when you do!
 
not only that nerdist, you actually wished Mono was with us tonight... you said you missed him at supper times. I would never of believed you would say that 16 months ago.

Living in the moment and keeping my eye on the future is what I am doing.
 
not only that nerdist, you actually wished Mono was with us tonight... you said you missed him at supper times. I would never of believed you would say that 16 months ago.

Living in the moment and keeping my eye on the future is what I am doing.

How's that for compersion and metamour friendship :eek:

I hate that word "metamour" by the way..but like many labels it explains things.
 
I know you don't come on here much, so I'm thankful that you participated in this thread, Nerdist. :)

Hee hee, I think LR has a crush on Nerdist too. :p

I think there's a lot for everyone to think about and that's ok, it's all part of adjusting to new connections. I'm also really grateful that such emotionally intelligent, caring and smart people are on here. You all realize you're amazing, right?!

I want to be clear that the topic of children is big not because of this situation. It's definitely something I've grappled with for several years, but because of my health. I'm an external processor (it doesn't make sense until I've written it, spoken it or placed it outside of myself in some way) and so just acknowledging that "...dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities" is all I really needed.

I know that if I am meant to be a mom, in the biological sense, that I will. And it's very clear that whoever comes into my life will need to fit into my poly lifestyle because it's who I am. So, I really don't see how whether or not I'm involved with someone - and who I'm involved with - has to shut any doors on the possibility of my having biological children. This is a very freeing thought.

The only part that scares me is discovering that I am not physically able to have a child, but this is a whole other topic.

In light of "there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with)".... I would say that the most exciting and beautiful part is that it's an organic, co-creative process. And when you're doing it with people you love and who love you, well, whatever the outcome is, it's so wonderful to evolve into it together...

I also notice that a lot of the focus has been on me and the questions I'm having. I am imagining that everyone is giving me a lot of space and support to sort out my own needs and fears. But, I also know that there must be stuff coming up for everyone, not just me.

What's it like to have a family already established and have someone come in and change things around? It must be very scary to like someone and know that the commitments/arrangements already in your life could potentially scare them away? What's it like to accept someone into your life knowing that eventually, it might mean accepting even more people (the ones that new person may bring in)?

One thing I'm noticing in myself - and I would love to hear if anyone else resonates with this - is that the way I feel is directly affected by the circumstances. My relationship to people changes based on their relationships. First because being someone's "girlfriend" in a monogamous relationship conjures up all these expectations for myself and it takes an enormous amount of work for me to get past the "role" I feel I'm supposed to play and often ends up putting a lot of stress onto the relationship. I'm really not good at it. I'm noticing in myself that I feel so much less pressure knowing that I'm not the only person involved, so I can just be me.

I'm noticing that I like different people different ways. This has always tripped me up in the past. I used to think that if I didn't have that instant spark, that any feelings that developed slowly aren't the right kind, or the kind that could sustain something long-term. And those feelings constantly change when I see different sides to a person, so I used to think that if there were times I wasn't sure, it meant something was wrong.

I'm also finding it interesting that my feelings extend beyond how I feel about one person. How do I explain this... (splaying myself so openly on here had better help someone who stumbles onto this site and finds him/herself in a similar situation because this is intense and vulnerable and... phew... ). I'm developing feelings for not only how I feel about what I know of Nerdist, in and of himself, as a person, and the way we connect, but also for his relationship to RP, to his son and to the life he's created. Does that make any sense? Somehow I worry that this is a sign of something wrong because I know that I would feel differently if we were two single people hooking up.

I'm going to say it: is this normal?!

(I think we should invent "Poly Awards". And the winner of this year's "Most Transformed form Intense Inner Work" goes to.....)
 
How's that for compersion and metamour friendship :eek:

I hate that word "metamour" by the way..but like many labels it explains things.

I'm still reading the rest of the threads but I just wanted to say....it sounds like some kind of transformer or anime character. :p

I'm also finding it interesting that my feelings extend beyond how I feel about one person. How do I explain this... (splaying myself so openly on here had better help someone who stumbles onto this site and finds him/herself in a similar situation because this is intense and vulnerable and... phew... ). I'm developing feelings for not only how I feel about what I know of Nerdist, in and of himself, as a person, and the way we connect, but also for his relationship to RP, to his son and to the life he's created. Does that make any sense? Somehow I worry that this is a sign of something wrong because I know that I would feel differently if we were two single people hooking up.

I'm going to say it: is this normal?!

I think it is normal. The more you learn about a person and their life and the people in it the more opportunity you have to form emotional connections with every part of it and because life is never just about one thing, why should there should be just one feeling for all aspects of Nerdist and his life?

Is that at all helpful?
 
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Roly-maybe not "normal" but BETTER than normal.

Too often people don't find their emotions extending to include the loved ones of THEIR LOVER. That causes so many damn issues!

When you can extend the way you were describing-it makes a MUCH more cohesive relationship.
 
What's the éttiquette with all that anyway. I never know. Like, should one start a new thread or tell their community in some kind of announcement that they may or not be starting a relationship with someone?

There should be fancy announcements sent out on heavy card stock with lots of embelishments. That is that ettiquette according to Miss Manners ;):D

(Sorry for the hijack Roly)
 
Geez, what's the etiquette on a marriage announcement if "we're getting to know each other" warrants card stock?!?! :D

All jokes aside, I'm going to pat myself on the back for avoiding crawling under one of those shells outside my door.
 
We could write it on the back of paper napkins or old register receipts and save the purple cards for later.
 
Roly-maybe not "normal" but BETTER than normal.

Too often people don't find their emotions extending to include the loved ones of THEIR LOVER. That causes so many damn issues!

When you can extend the way you were describing-it makes a MUCH more cohesive relationship.

I agree. Thankfully, I find compersion so darned easy. How can you not get all fuzzy inside!?

So, then the question I have is how to know the difference between the feelings you have for the person and the feelings you have for the circumstances. It's never clearcut.

Could RP and Mono have gotten together 10 years ago? No. He was married, so was she and he is not poly. But, with the present circumstances and all the hard work they've done, this time in their lives they find themselves crossing paths and extending RP's family.

If Nerdist and I were meeting 10 years ago, I doubt our connection would be anywhere near the same and I also doubt that the nature of our connection would have gravitated towards starting a family. So, it's similar in that the current circumstances and the timing are all key factors.

There are many parts that fit and because they're not conventional or straightforward, I am needing to wrap myself around them.

Nerdist and I are also both very sensitive and emotional. From past experience I know that I tend to get sucked in and lost when I connect with another sensitive, deep thinker. And I need a lot of space to ground and come up for air. I have my doubts that it would be healthy for me to be primary or monogamous with someone who's as intense as me.

It feels like there's a huge part of me, a very important part of me, that is being seen and understood. This is incredibly rare for me. But, I'm also recognizing that there are other parts that aren't as compatible and that need balancing out. And I know that I couldn't be to Nerdist what RP is, obviously.

So, I guess these are the joys and benefits of poly!

This is honestly one of the most intense rides I've ever been on in my entire life and I'm glad that you're all here to say, "been there, done that".
 
Remember when we first met roly. We have so much similarities... the same tattoo even! Yet there are definitely differences. I feel like I am more city wise, more gruff and stern than you are... just as emotional, but on the quick to anger side...

these are the areas that nerdist has come to rely on in me and is now not so reliant on. I am at a weird transition with him in that I am not sure of my role in his life. I have always been the strong, determined, forward thinker that protects our interests and the path we have forged... I am not as needed in that department now. He is forging a path that is his own, more than ever. I am fascinated to see what will happen next and who I am to him now...

I find it just as fascinating to see how his relationship with you will unfolds... to me, you are the version of myself that he needs now. The version of myself that I think he would like me to be... I am not what he would like me to be. I am just as loved, but I am off in another direction, pulled by Mono and now derby and others in my life.

The base of me is the same, the base of you is the same and that similarity we have is what he loves. I know it will be okay, because that is the essence of what he loves about me... it totally make sense to me that he cares about you. It makes me love myself more and care deeply about you too. I look forward to what that means and look forward to a long drawn out courtship of that. There is so much time and it feels so good to lavish in every moment and discovery.
 
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Wow. I'm a bit blown away.

Yeah, I do find it funny that we have the same tattoo and the same initials, same hair colour... LOL! To be fair, look at Nerdist and Mono. You have a type, my dear. ;)

In this vain, I think I have two types. And I'm starting to think that a balance between the two is a healthy combination, much in the same way that you and I seem to compliment each other.

You are the strong, determined protector. I'm definitely more like Nerdist in the way that I am sensitive. I feel my way through life and sometimes struggle with the more executive decisions.

I'm blown away by your generosity, RP. I feel sad knowing you think that you are not what Nerdist wants you to be. I know that he and I have a very unique connection. But it's not the whole picture.

I'm also very, very glad that this transition is having the effect that you love yourself more!! And I care about you very much also. I care about all of you.
 
OK....with all the new things going on and everyone having someone in thier life I am officially anouncing my poly relationship for the first time on here. I have been holding back because I have sworn up and down that a person can be wired mono....well I have a confession. There is two other loves in my life...one smells like leather and rubber and the other is the hairiest pussy I have ever kissed....I am in love with my motorbike and Redpepper's cat...there you have it folks....I'm a fraud :rolleyes:
 
Wow. I am blown away too. For different reasons that rolypoly's likely.

I feel compelled to comment on a few things.

redpepper wrote: "I am at a weird transition with him in that I am not sure of my role in his life."

I can understand how this is unsettling for you. A lot has happened, and continues to happen. Many things have changed. Personally, I think it is a momentous occasion to be able to throw some of the roles that we have played into the trash. It's the beginning of another level of freedom. The freedom to BE.

redpepper wrote: "I am not what he would like me to be. "

On the contrary. I want you to be *you*. You are doing that. How could I not want that? Many years ago, I did not fall in love with a "thing," I fell in love with a person: you.

redpepper wrote: "I am just as loved, but I am off in another direction, pulled by Mono and now derby and others in my life."

Your and my paths run parallel, then intermingle, then cross, then jet off away from one another, then turn, then jet towards one another, then cross, then intermingle, then run parallel again. Such is the magical dance of our relationship. In whatever part of the dance you or I may feel that we are at in this particular moment, we are still in the dance. We are *always* in the dance.

with love, Polynerdist
 
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