Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Today the Blessing Box is closed and I am being a bum. I didn’t keep the car today, but DarkKnight came home for lunch and brought me a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Popeyes. No update yet on his mom.

I have my OKCupid app open, but I am not doing anything at all with it. I wrote a disclaimer on the top of my profile that I am in the middle of upheaval in my life and not wanting to date. Sigh. I so don’t want this life anymore. Dating is exhausting, and just the thought makes me get teary. I was happy with my polycule - I felt for one brief shining moment that my sex issues were solved, and my heart was whole. Now it’s a fucking disaster.

No anger today, just sadness again. I will probably feel better after I finally shower. Haven’t done that yet!
 
Today was an okay sort of day. I took DarkKnight to work, with BugGirl in tow. We went to Walmart to pick up some balloons - oh, did I post about that? I’m doing a remembrance tomorrow for Black Balloon Day. I asked people of the Blessing Box to send me names and photos of friends and family members who died due to overdoses. I am going to have a black balloon for each one on my porch, tied with a name card. I am also going to feature the lost with posts showing names and photos, all day long. This has been an emotional process for me over the last few days. People want to talk about their loved ones, and how things went for them. I found myself crying A LOT. Which I have to say, was somewhat cathartic for me. Though I did end up crying more than I would have liked.

Anyway, originally I had only purchased 10 balloons, but the count is up to 37 right now. So I went to Walmart and got the last two bags they had. I am going to see about maybe getting one more bag tomorrow morning if I can find some in town. Anyway, I got balloons and BugGirl got a new curtain rod - just odds and ends. Then we went to Home Depot to get paint supplies, as she and AntMan and my youngest all started painting my sunporch today. Then we went home, and I started on my Blessing Box stuff.

PunkRock has the day off and he came in to do laundry. I think he was startled to see me. He told me he was leaving to go to therapy soon, and that he was going to see an apartment in Martinsburg, that prices are cheaper there. We talked a little about his plans for the month and I asked him if he wanted me to order a sub for him for dinner tonight, and he said yes. It was all very nice and polite.

The entire time I was crying inside though. I still love him. My sadness though was at the fact that even if he threw himself on the ground and begged me to take him back - I know that I would not. The hurt in my heart goes down too deep. I love myself too much to allow that. So the realization was too much for me - but I soldiered through it. He left and I kept working.

I had a volunteer in this morning so that helped keep me focused. Then I buckled down and got the table clear, as we were hosting game night tonight. Once I was finished, I posted a new sneaker giveaway, and then took AntMan to work, before picking up DarkKnight from work.

We played Zombicide: Angry Neighbors tonight. It was a new edition, our first mission. New type of zombies, more barricades and a new tile graphic - holes. We did great and won in about 2 hours. More nights are on the calendar and I can’t wait! I was concerned before we started playing - I felt very, very sad that PunkRock was in the basement, not playing with us. It just felt wrong, since he’s played 4 other editions with us. However, there was zero chance that I would be okay with sitting across the table from him and playing. Instead, it was DarkKnight, our regular game night friend and my son. My son is going to be moving in with us in June, so he said he wanted to start doing some of our household things. Honestly, I think he was worried about me. My son has high functioning autism, but he knows when his mama ain’t okay. He’s sweet.

I had new conversations today with some guys on OKCupid. None of them get names yet. One guy though - it was interesting. He sent me an emoji last night and I sent him one back, and then he said he didn’t like short generic messages, which made me laugh. That was our entire conversation. Today I wrote him and explained that I wasn’t looking to date, and about my recent breakup. Well - he knew about it already! Apparently he had a date last night with someone I know! He was talking to her about this chick on OKC (me) named BlueBird and she was like, wait BlueBird Knight? He showed her my profile and she was like I know her! And she told him about me.

I’m like, wow that’s crazy! It’s such a small world. Now this chick I am Facebook friends with, and she’s a homeschooling mom - that’s how I know her - but I have only met her a couple of times in person. Apparently she had nice things to say, because the guy wanted to keep talking to me! I think she would be a good metamour - I know I could trust her to be safe, and be up front and honest about her intentions. She also has a primary already as well. So does this guy. However, it could also be weird. I dunno. The guy seems really chill, and is perfectly fine with not meeting and just chatting for as long as I want. So I am happy about that. Any guy that isn’t okay, well, then that is that.
 
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Took DarkKnight to work again this morning so I could keep the car. Went to the new Walmart and was able to snag another bag of black balloons and all the produce I need for Fresh Food Friday. I feel overwhelmed this morning. CoronaVirus is in Maryland now. I have a huge overflowing bin of stuff that was donated for wellness, and for sick kits. I need to put those together at some point today. First thing though, I have to complete filling out the index cards with names for Black Balloon Day today, blow up 40+ balloons and tie the index cards to them. Then get them put up on the porch. Then fill the Box, get stuff ready for F3, and then start work on the remembrance posts. Not everyone has sent me photos, but almost everyone has. It breaks my heart to see all the faces of the lost.

I will be taking AntMan to work later on, and then tonight DarkKnight and I are joining a group of friends to play Harry Potter trivia downtown. I’m already wearing my “I solemnly swear I am up to no good” T-shirt! I am excited to see everyone and to eat some delicious pizza.

Overall today, I have this pervasive sadness that I just can’t shake. It’s a combination of the black balloon event and PunkRock. I just keep tearing up and crying unexpectedly. This fucking sucks.
 
I hope today has less suckyness For you Bluebird. I hope Every day has less and less. When you are no longer having to see and talk to him the surreality will at least be lessened.

Leetah
 
Yesterday was pretty bad for me, not gonna lie. The Black Balloon Day event was an amazing success - almost every person who came to my porch stopped to look at all 45 names that were displayed. However, everyone also wanted to talk. I was crying most of the time. So many people lost, so many broken hearts in our community. Lots of people struggling to keep it together - I was very glad to be able to offer a sympathetic ear, but it was increasingly a major drain on my bucket, which is so very empty right now.

Things did not improve when PunkRock thought it would be helpful to pop in and tell me he wouldn’t be home tonight. I was like, for real? He really is that fucking clueless. I honestly believe I must have missed the part where I was married to a guy with a zero emotional intelligence score all these years. I was really upset by this, but some angry “Fuck That Guy” songs helped a lot.

Yes, things will get better once he has moved out. He asked me about a rental reference. So nice that the guy who has destroyed me emotionally wants DarkKnight and I to say nice things about him to potential landlords. Honestly, he doesn’t have a choice, since he has lived with us for so long. I guess he didn’t think that far ahead with the glitter in his brain. At first he asked for the contact information for the owner of the house we used to live in. I was like, um...you weren’t on the lease, you were illegally squatting there. They don’t even know you exist. Probably not the best thing to list on a rental application!

Of course we will give him a good reference - it isn’t a character reference, just a statement that he is a good tenant who pays his bills on time and takes care of the property. Both of those things were true.

In the evening, DarkKnight and I went out to play Harry Potter trivia. Our team was Snapes on a Plane. Lol We didn’t win, but we were a solid middle of the pack. I had a delicious Mudslide from the bar, and DarkKnight enjoyed a tasting flight of the different beers on tap. The food was good, and the game was a wonderful distraction. I liked seeing my friends. <3 I came home and slept like a baby.

Today I have to get up and clean the overflow room. The table was empty and things were clean for game night, but yesterday everything piled up. We got a HUGE donation of dog food and treats that needs to be stacked in the storage closet, and the pile of baby clothes is becoming a mountain. I can’t work on my wellness and sick kits because there is no table space. Gah! My goal today is literally to just get the dog stuff stowed.

DarkKnight has his final performance as Bubba in Country-Ella. After he finishes up with the play, he and I will be headed out. We are either going to go to the local Home Show - since we are thinking of a home equity loan, lots of project ideas are spinning around inside my head - or we will head to a maker fair in Frederick. It depends on the weather, honestly.
 
I also wanted to mention that I signed up for a Family Strong class for Wednesday nights. It starts in two weeks. It’s for people who are dealing with addicts in their families. I wish this had existed last year when I was so deep in depression due to my daughter and PunkRock. BugGirl is doing amazing right now, but I still need this, I think. PunkRock’s issues aren’t my concern anymore, but I still hope he gets the help he needs to stay sober. He hasn’t been.

Anyway, the class is once a week for 9 weeks. I am looking forward to it. It’s a group thing.
 
Ugh. Awake! I feel like I just fell asleep too.

The first thing in my brain this morning is that I’m sad. The new focus is that I’ve lost my best friend. I’m mourning that right now. This sucks so much. He got my best memes, pictures of my weird poops, links to my earworms. Now I have to stop and think of who to send things to. (No one else wants to see my poops.)

I’m still worrying over the lack of communication, the suddenness of it all. I told him EVERYTHING. I held nothing back about my hopes and fears and dreams. When I was unhappy with us, I worked on that. He apparently has been living a lie for over a year, not addressing his issues. And drinking. I wish he would have said something - anything - at all.

So this morning I am saying goodbye to that part of things. I think the grieving process is breaking down sections of my life and moving on from each loss individually. This morning is apparently saying goodbye to my best friend, and let me tell you, it sucks.

Yesterday was a wonderful day though! It was DarkKnight’s last performance as Bubba in Country-Ella, so when he finished up there, we ran off for an afternoon date in Frederick. It was first Saturday, so all of the shops were open late, there was live music, and we even got to see a dog parade!

Our main goal was to attend a Maker’s Market, and there we ran into the two daughters of a friend as we were leaving. (It was a quick - hey, look, it’s you! - sort of thing.) We were able to take a walk along the canal as well.

Everything about the trip was fun. DarkKnight bought me a hand-sewn stuffed heart that says “Mwah” on it. He picked it out from one of the little shops we visited. I love looking at art, and little fiddly things, and there was a lot of that to see. We were really focused on each other, and the only time PunkRock came to mind was when I would see a mermaid. I told DarkKnight I can’t claim to be one anymore. PunkRock took that from me as well. Maybe one day I will be able to reclaim that, but I am no longer his fishwife. He called me that as a term of endearment all the time. I’m half his left arm, literally. The tattoo of me is not something I will look at again. So mermaid stuff makes me sad.

That said, it wasn’t a terrible thing to be confronted with yesterday. It didn’t shock my system or make me teary. It was more of a pervasive sort of sadness - this is no longer part of my identity, and I was recognizing that and looking at that fact. I recognized it, acknowledged it, and moved on from it.

Yes, overall though, it was a really good day. Walking arm in arm with my DarkKnight made me happy. He was looking so incredibly cute, so sometimes I would look over and I would just feel squeeee. Like, this is my man, and he loves me. I am actually kind of feeling as mini resurgence of NRE for him. Maybe not NRE - but an increase of appreciation, maybe? Happiness? It’s hard to define. All I know is that he’s looking fine, and I am proud to have him as a partner.

I think I am going to edit this entry and put a photo in here after it posts. Y’all have to see him in his new glasses. Holy shit. Lol

Anyway, the day trip was fun. Some of the highlights were 100% a DarkKnight n Me thing. We stopped around 4:30 and shared tea in this little British tea shop. We bought a Christmas tree ornament of a galaxy, hand painted onto a round piece of wood. We made promises to each other of experiences in the future. It was really wonderful.

When it was time to leave, neither of us wanted to go home. We sat beside the canal and tried to think of what else we could do to keep the evening ours. We had eaten a late lunch, and then had the tea stop, so though it was time for dinner, neither ome of us was hungry just yet. We looked up some activities on our phones, but then I realized that I didn’t really want another thing to do - I just wanted to be with him. So we went home, with a stop through the Taco Bell drive thru, for us and BugGirl, who was still painting our sun porch. We all had a picnic of sorts together in the living room, and then she was off to do more painting. So then DarkKnight and I spent the rest of the evening just laughing together and trying our best at Super Mario World on our SNES. Can you believe that game is 30 years old? Oh, we were so very terrible at it!

We finally went to bed around 11 pm, and we had sex. That actually was kind of difficult for me. This man, the one I love, looking so fucking hot lying there next to me - I wasn’t horny for him at all. This was a shock to me, and I had trouble with that. I mean, I’m never not horny! But once I was in bed, and things were quiet, this pervasive sadness just was a little overwhelming. It wasn’t even thoughts of PunkRock. I wasn’t horny for him either - it was just, depression and stillness and this empty feeling.

I told DarkKnight about it and he said he could fix it. Lol This man! I had a vibrator out, but it needed to be recharged, so he got up and grabbed another one, only it needed to be recharged as well. I felt like I needed a down and dirty quick cum, and THEN I would be okay. DarkKnight said he knew what to do, and yeah - 15 years together, he DEFINITELY does. He hooked his fingers up inside and within a minute I was squirming and squealing. Once I had caught my breath, he just had this satisfied look on his face, and all the sadness was gone from me - all I had soul space for was this wonderful, loving man in front of me. We then had some sweet, very fulfilling sex, that was good for both of us.

He read to me again last night, as he does every night. An update on the Lurking Fear - right now the protagonist has discovered that there were TWO monsters, and one of them has been burned to death by local villagers. That’s the only fact I remember that I know was new. Lol I had another solid night of sleep, though it was definitely after midnight when DarkKnight started reading. So I think it was 4 hours of sleep just now. I am going to go to sleep again after posting this!

Later today is my D&D group, and it will be interesting. The last time I was there - we meet every two weeks - I was discussing with my friend that I was so very concerned about my relationship with PunkRock, that his communication was terrible and that was causing issues. I told him I liked HippieChick, but that I was concerned about how NRE was effecting PunkRock, and that he was a terrible hinge so far. He was trying to improve, but it was a struggle for everyone. I’ve talked in depth with this friend since - he is such a good support when I reach out to him - but I haven’t seen him in person since before the breakup.

I have zero plans to focus on my split while there though! I’m ready to get my game on! Lol Speaking of which, I need to level up my character this morning, before I go. I haven’t had time to do that yet - I’ve been kind of busy.
 
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Hope you don't mind me saying you two are agoddamndorable. <3 Wishing you a speedy recovery.
 
Thank you! I don’t mind you saying. Lol I need to color my roots right now, so I am feeling unattractive and old today. Also, I have fallen off and far away from my low carb diet. I am determined to get back on it sometime after my anniversary.
 
I had a lot of fun yesterday at D&D. I rescued a child from being made into a meat pie, but thankfully I found a home for him, as I had no desire to cart around a kid the entire game. Lol The DM wants to play this coming Sunday as well, but I am not sure if we will be back from Roanoke at all.

I woke up this morning feeling uneasy, and when I checked my Ring doorbell footage from last night, I was able to see AntMan possibly making a drug deal. Ugh. He gets into a car around 3 in the morning, comes back to the house, goes back out. Comes back in and the car leaves. It’s too dark where the car is parked to get any identifying info on it. I’m uncertain as to how to bring this up. I can’t think of any other reason to go out at 3 am. It hard to tell but I think my daughter may have been involved as well. I showed DarkKnight, but he didn’t really comment.
 
Super cute pix. :) <3
Been playing Dragon Age and City of Mist with GameBoy (and PokeGirl) and it's been a blast. My daughter is a teenage werewolf with a penchant for being a drama queen in CoM, so it's a riot to have snarly "I BROKE MY NAIL" (in a growly werewolf voice) moments. The meat pie thing made me laugh and think, "typical." :D

Good luck confronting AntMan and BugGirl. Ugh. Big hugs to you still...
 
It’s been a few days, but so much has happened. I’m going to make a few posts as time allows. First of all, a few things about AntMan. When I talked to him about his issues, he started crying and apologized. He apparently got extremely drunk that night, and was buying pot. He said he has been continually using it for his anxiety. We agreed he needed to get a medical card for it - which he should be able to do in Maryland. I absolutely do not want people rolling up to my house and selling anything at 3 am.

I knew his anxiety was high that evening, because we had been taking about his children and his child custody issues. He agrees that he has an alcohol problem, which is actually worse than his hard drug problem. We made appointments together pretty quick, and I’ve taken him to all of them that we could make. First off, we tried to get him into the free clinic, as he has no insurance. However, they won’t see him without his tax returns for last year. Well, he didn’t file because he was homeless and high AF the entire time. So they said he needed a statement of non-filing. We went to the irs building, as directed, on Tuesday morning and it was closed with a note to check back next week and to call to make an appointment as they are no longer seeing walk-ins. So, no free clinic for AntMan.

On Tuesday, we also went to the bank and he got himself his first bank account in several years. He was teary then too - “I feel like a person again.” Yesterday I took him to a free lawyer clinic that our city holds, so he could get advice on what to do with his child support case. For over a year he’s been racking up nonpayment totals of $140 a week. He’s scared he has a warrant out. The lawyer advised that AntMan can file online and by himself without assistance, for adjustment of support, though doing so will allow NY state to know where he’s at and he will probably start getting his wages garnished. AntMan was okay with this - he seems motivated now to try and step up for his kids and do the bare minimum. I’m trying not to let my snark show, because I have zero respect for people who don’t pay their child support. Obviously being an addict and homeless makes it impossible for someone to be responsible, but his kids deserve his attention. I am glad to be able to help him get moving on this. I can say I don’t want him to be arrested, because he will lose his job and once again not be able to pay anything.

Today PunkRock is going to take AntMan to a group counseling meeting - not AA.There is a program in town that is not religious, which is what AntMan wants. He really wants to start seeing a counselor individually, but he can’t qualify at the free clinic until he gets his paper from the IRS. This program meets every Friday, and they have another component that employs people in recovery part time and teaches them a trade. He is interested in this, as he may be able to work around his current part time job as a line cook.

So that’s where he is at. I have been trying to stay calm and remind myself that my old therapist always said that people in recovery can continue to have relapses and it’s to be expected. I do believe AntMan that he just was smoking pot - mostly because he was smoking it right next to my house and the smell is distinctive. So I am glad at least he didn’t relapse on Ketamine or coke or anything worse.

BugGirl was really upset, as she said she had no idea this was going on. She and I have yet to have a sit down conversation about this. AntMan expressed a lot worry about him endangering BugGirl into relapse and how he doesn’t want to do that. He also apologized very authentically about disrespecting our home and DarkKnight and me.

Honestly whether or not all of this was authentic is not a concern. He’s a long time addict who knows what to say to gain sympathy. Honestly I have heard it all from my brother in the past (he’s a heroin addict) and more recently for the past year from PunkRock. It’s like reliving the same conversations PunkRock and I have had. In the moment there is remorse and tears and promises to be better, then some follow through, and then pretending that nothing ever happened, until the next relapse. This isn’t my first fucking rodeo.

That said, I am still motivated to help AntMan however I can with rides to help him get back on track. I know he is suffering from depression and anxiety, but he is going to work when he’s scheduled, and he continues to help out a TON with the Blessing Box and with cleaning the house - all without prompting. I like him as a person and I just hope he can keep his shit together. DarkKnight and I are rooting for him. Even PunkRock continues to help him with transportation. So for now, he has our support.
 
Wednesday was my 14 year wedding anniversary with DarkKnight. He took off the entire half of the week from work, so we could be together. Our plan was to travel to Roanoke for a getaway, but due to CoronaVirus, we canceled the trip and are instead staying home. I am really very sad about this, but I also don’t wanna spread or catch any illnesses.

That said, I am pretty positive I am going to get sick. I see a ton of people a day through the Blessing Box, and we have been absolutely slammed as grocery stores in the area empty out with people panic-buying basic supplies. I have milk and bread today, and the Box is actually stocked up due to some cash donations this week, but I am terrified that when we open this weekend we are going to empty out very quickly. I am washing my hands frequently, wiping down surfaces and the Box frequently, using hand sanitizer and trying to keep a distance between myself and visitors. I still feel it’s inevitable though.

I had two volunteers come in on Tuesday and we assembled about 20 sick kits, kid kits and wellness kits. They include flu meds, Kleenex, pedialyte, throat & cough drops, vitamin C powder, antibacterial wipes, hand sanitizer, chicken soup, crackers - everything I could think of as helpful. I’ve offered them out as free to elderly, people who are sick with anything at all, and to the immunocompromised. People have been great about not asking for them unless they do actually match up with the requirements, so I am appreciating my visitors right now. We have had several parents of kids that have Flu A stop by, and some seniors who are anxious and freaking out because they can’t find hand sanitizer anywhere. I am glad to give them some and talk to them about their fears.

We are going to run out of toilet paper today. DarkKnight was able to get a big pack from Sam’s Cmub earlier this week, so our family is set for a month on that. I stole one of the stacks from it and donated it to the Box, but that will be it for the Box today unless a donor is able to snag some for us. The Box has $20 left in the account so I may send DarkKnight on a quest to find more today.

All of Maryland schools are closing for two weeks - it was announced yesterday. People immediately started messaging me, asking about getting help. Our city has a program called Micah’s backpack, where kids bring home breakfast, lunch and dinner for the weekend, on Fridays after school. That way they are fed while not in school. The governor left tomorrow as a school day, so the program will have time to stock some of the kids up for as many days as they can. However, out of fear, many parents are keeping their kids home today, so they actually won’t get the food. And, there are many more families who don’t get this benefit, yet their children get free breakfast and lunch everyday from school. These families may not have funds available to suddenly have to start covering these meals themselves.

Other agencies in the area are putting together ideas to get food out. I don’t have the reach, but I did quickly organize a breakfast giveaway, which funded in 5 minutes. Tomorrow I am gifting out pancake mix, syrup, sausage links, eggs and bananas to those who sign up this afternoon. So parents will be able to take these supplies home and feed their kids breakfast for a short bit, at least. One donor went to the store immediately and sent me pics of all of the pancake mix and syrup, and someone sent me $40 and I went shopping last night and managed to secure 10 bunches of bananas, 10 dozen eggs and 10 packs of sausages. Another donor is getting the rest this morning, if she can. I literally got the last bananas, eggs and cheapest sausages from the store last night. It was spooky seeing all of the empty shelves. The store wasn’t packed with people, but there was a lot missing.

I hope to do a lunch giveaway next week, but I am going to process the breakfast giveaway before worrying about that. It will certainly be more expensive, so I am worried. But I have enough to worry about right now, honestly. I will focus on what’s in front of me at the moment.
 
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Ok, that post was supposed to be about DarkKnight, and it got sidetracked by the Blessing Box! Gah!

DarkKnight is still being amazing with his support for me, and the love between us is solid. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

On our anniversary, he woke me up and took me to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. There we had a discussion about what I wanted most in the world at that moment, and I convinced myself to go on a quest with him to buy a pair of white Doc Martens. So that was pretty much the rest of the afternoon. Lol I felt really irresponsible, but I hadn’t spent anything like that on myself in a long while. Only, I couldn’t find a pair to buy! Every Journeys store had exactly one pair in stock (I called SEVEN stores) and they were either a size 5 or an 11. Then I called 4 DSW stores, but apparently those were all sold out too. We had to go to Kohl’s to do an amazon return, and I checked there and the guy in the shoe department there had never even heard of Doc Martens, so DarkKnight and I had a good laugh about millennials. Lol

We went home and I was pretty discouraged, but after posting on Facebook, someone suggested Rack Room Shoes and I called - success. We went right over and got them. Everywhere else the price was $150 a pair, but they had them on sale for $100, with a bonus B1G1 50% offer as well - to be applied to a different brand. I was super excited about this, because at the end of summer 2 years ago I had thrown out my old hiking boots. (I did no outdoor activities this past summer due to my depression.) I had just talked with DarkKnight how I needed to buy a pair of those, so when I saw the sale, the timeline was moved forward! So I was able to get a pair of Merrell hiking sneakers for $50! They are waterproof and lightweight and I feel even more motivated to hike the Maryland Appalachian Trail this summer. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years, and have actually been talking about it for a while now. Having the shoes ready to go now makes it more of a reality.

Anyway, I have my Docs and my hiking shoes now and I am so very happy!

After shoe shopping, DarkKnight and I came home and spent more time snuggling on the couch, trying to progress our game of Super Mario World and failing miserably. Lol We were laughing and happy, and just so much in love. However, PunkRock came in and kept interrupting us. He told me that he hadn’t found an apartment yet, but has Sunday through Saturday off this coming week to pack. He left and then came back and asked me to call the cell phone company to give him access to switch his phone to his own plan. So I did that. Then he came back and asked me to print two years worth of tax returns for him. So I did that. Later he left, so I ran down to his bedroom and emptied out my nightstand, so my stuff wasn’t impeding him later. He’s taking the dresser and matching nightstands and lamps when he moves.

So that was kind of an unwelcome intrusion, but I don’t begrudge him handling his business.

My nephew came down from New York with his boyfriend on Wednesday night, so we had a big family gathering. We ordered in pizza and played Inhuman Conditions and drank a little. My other daughter and her boyfriend came over, as did my son. It was really a good time and I felt really happy to have my family together. DarkKnight and I went to bed late and had some sexual play right before midnight. <3

Yesterday everyone assembled at my house in the morning and we took two cars in a group trip to Arundel Mills Mall. AntMan has to work in the afternoon, so he managed the Blessing Box for me. My son and my other daughter’s boyfriend had to work, so there were six of us. We walked around and went shopping, took amazing pictures together, and I paid for an Escape Room - The Curse of the Winter Witch - and we won! It was a new experience for my nephew’s boyfriend and BugGirl. The room was rated 7/10 on the difficulty scale.

DarkKnight made homemade Mac n cheese for dinner afterward, and our evening plans were canceled due to the CoronaVirus. I had a really good talk with my nephew & his partner about their coming out experiences, and how my sister and other family aren’t really very supportive of their relationship. It was really insightful. I appreciated their being comfortable enough to share that with me. We had planned to go see a live play of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest but the venue shut it down. I ended up running out to the grocery store like I mentioned in my previous post, to buy some supplies for my breakfast giveaway, but also to get stuff for my own house and for Fresh Food Friday. My nephew went with me since his boyfriend had an online class (he’s getting his Master’s degree.) Oversll it was a good night.

Honestly I have to say yesterday was 100% the best day I have had since being dumped by PunkRock. I lost my husband, but I also lost my best friend, my support, my confidant and my lover. It’s been devastating. However, having all of my kids present the night before, and then having the family together for a fun outing was so amazing. Also, I had received a new T-shirt in the mail, so I wore that with my new Docs yesterday and I was just feeling powerful. I put on my bracelets for the first time in a while. I didn’t feel healed, but I felt whole.

Oh! And while at the courthouse to see the free lawyer with AntMan in the morning, I picked up my name change paperwork. I am like 90% leaning toward Ruth as a middle name. I am sad when thinking about removing PunkRock’s last name from mine, but seeing it constantly on my debit cards and accounts, and writing it all the time is doing emotional damage to me. My new T-shirt has Ruth Bader Ginsberg on it, and I really admire her. So picking up the paperwork while wearing a shirt featuring her, just boosted my self-image, self-esteem and I was feeling fierce!
 
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Reclaiming ME.

I have plans now lined up for the summer that I am working toward (hiking the Appalachian Trail in Maryland - all 42 miles of it! - and setting dates to do tubing). I am determined to start back on low carb next week to start getting all of the extra weight off (15 pounds, at least). I have been slacking on my Invisalign as well, so that is starting Sunday night (I have two more sets of aligners before I hit the halfway point). I have focus on my Blessing Box, and I have my sights set on volunteering through it to help my neighbors and immediate community through this pandemic. I am signed up to start going to group classes next Wednesday that help individuals who have addicts in their families. I have the love and support of my friends, but more importantly, my family.

I’ve got this.
 
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That shirt kicks ass (as do you)!
I saw it float by my FB feed recently and didn't pick it up. I may have to the next time I see it. :)

Glad the time with family has been good for you. You deserve that. <3
 
Thank you! I appreciate the compliment. I am in need of supportive comments!

Today has been absolute Pandemonium. Issues popping up all over the place that needed immediate attention. I want to lay down and cry. I wish I had been able to run away with DarkKnight and not cancel our trip. I need a break.

I opened the Blessing Box at 10 am, and we had 15 visitors in the first hour. We were slammed. People wanted to talk about the virus, and get my opinion on it. Since I wasn’t going to Roanoke, I was able to make a community meeting for a local organization, and that took up my time until like 1:30 pm. DarkKnight watched the Box and he said it was crazypants. We still have a few sick kits left, but the kids kits and wellness kits are gone.

I did the drawing for the Breakfast Giveaway and half the people showed this evening to pick up. I have 3 donors waiting in the wings to fully fund my lunch giveaway, but I am too tired today. It will have to wait until tomorrow to plan.

A volunteer came by today and she cleared my table, and honestly as busy as we were today, my stock is looking really good. Donors SHOWED UP. I even had a toilet paper fairy hook us up and I closed today with 40 rolls available. I am out of pedialyte, bread, saltines and infant cereal - in the blue containers. I call that pretty good, honestly!

AntMan blew off his therapy today. PunkRock apparently showed to take him and he was nowhere to be found, and when DarkKnight texted him, he said he was out and didn’t want to go anyway. So when I got home from my meeting, DarkKnight and I sat down with both BugGirl and AntMan and told them that this was totally unacceptable and we were not okay with it. Discussion was had. I want concrete steps, as I am not dealing with the “I’m not going to drink anymore” mantra with no action behind it. Sorry, not sorry. I have been dealing with PunkRock for a solid year with that bullshit. I don’t have room for it in my life. BugGirl said she actually wants to attend NA meetings, but AntMan is apparently anxious about groups. Gah! So we agreed to get him in individual counseling, though that is going to be next to impossible until the tax office opens up and at this point there’s no date now with everything shutting down. I did say I wanted to see progress on his child support stuff then, because he needs to deal with the issues that are causing him to drink, and he agreed on that.

PunkRock stopped me to tell me he was going to upgrade his phone today. I was kind of short with him. I was confused as to why he was sharing this info. “That has nothing to do with me,” I said. I could see that kind of shocked/surprised him. That made me feel a little bad, but I had no fucks to give. I cannot be his friend yet, and being friendly was beyond me when I am stretched so thin. I don’t have time to care about his activities, except as to how they are going to impact my family. He is no longer my family, and will never be again. That sounds harsh, but it’s just noise right now. I have too many other things to care about.
 
I love your boots.

It sucks you're trying to help AntMan and BugGirl right now, with all the PR stuff still getting sorted out, and Ant isn't committing to getting off substances. He sounds sketchy, I'm sorry to say. I am a mother of a recovering addict, so I know what it's like. Terrible.

But I love those Docs! Love love love!

And it's amazing how you're in place to help some families with no school food eat.

Life sure has its up and downs.
 
Yeah, I was REALLY looking forward to the “families of addicts” meetings, but they’ve now been canceled. Having to deal with my daughter and her boyfriend’s addiction issues after PunkRock not dealing with his for so long is exhausting. Apparently PunkRock has gone to two or three therapy appointments so far. That’s usually when he decides that he is all well and stops going. I hope he continues, but it’s not my job to police anymore, and I won’t. AntMan just got a letter in the mail from Child Support Enforcement. Not sure what it says yet but probably that they’re going to start ganking his paycheck.

Will edit to continue in a short bit.
 
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