Ugh. Awake! I feel like I just fell asleep too.
The first thing in my brain this morning is that I’m sad. The new focus is that I’ve lost my best friend. I’m mourning that right now. This sucks so much. He got my best memes, pictures of my weird poops, links to my earworms. Now I have to stop and think of who to send things to. (No one else wants to see my poops.)
I’m still worrying over the lack of communication, the suddenness of it all. I told him EVERYTHING. I held nothing back about my hopes and fears and dreams. When I was unhappy with us, I worked on that. He apparently has been living a lie for over a year, not addressing his issues. And drinking. I wish he would have said something - anything - at all.
So this morning I am saying goodbye to that part of things. I think the grieving process is breaking down sections of my life and moving on from each loss individually. This morning is apparently saying goodbye to my best friend, and let me tell you, it sucks.
Yesterday was a wonderful day though! It was DarkKnight’s last performance as Bubba in Country-Ella, so when he finished up there, we ran off for an afternoon date in Frederick. It was first Saturday, so all of the shops were open late, there was live music, and we even got to see a dog parade!
Our main goal was to attend a Maker’s Market, and there we ran into the two daughters of a friend as we were leaving. (It was a quick - hey, look, it’s you! - sort of thing.) We were able to take a walk along the canal as well.
Everything about the trip was fun. DarkKnight bought me a hand-sewn stuffed heart that says “Mwah” on it. He picked it out from one of the little shops we visited. I love looking at art, and little fiddly things, and there was a lot of that to see. We were really focused on each other, and the only time PunkRock came to mind was when I would see a mermaid. I told DarkKnight I can’t claim to be one anymore. PunkRock took that from me as well. Maybe one day I will be able to reclaim that, but I am no longer his fishwife. He called me that as a term of endearment all the time. I’m half his left arm, literally. The tattoo of me is not something I will look at again. So mermaid stuff makes me sad.
That said, it wasn’t a terrible thing to be confronted with yesterday. It didn’t shock my system or make me teary. It was more of a pervasive sort of sadness - this is no longer part of my identity, and I was recognizing that and looking at that fact. I recognized it, acknowledged it, and moved on from it.
Yes, overall though, it was a really good day. Walking arm in arm with my DarkKnight made me happy. He was looking so incredibly cute, so sometimes I would look over and I would just feel squeeee. Like, this is my man, and he loves me. I am actually kind of feeling as mini resurgence of NRE for him. Maybe not NRE - but an increase of appreciation, maybe? Happiness? It’s hard to define. All I know is that he’s looking fine, and I am proud to have him as a partner.
I think I am going to edit this entry and put a photo in here after it posts. Y’all have to see him in his new glasses. Holy shit. Lol
Anyway, the day trip was fun. Some of the highlights were 100% a DarkKnight n Me thing. We stopped around 4:30 and shared tea in this little British tea shop. We bought a Christmas tree ornament of a galaxy, hand painted onto a round piece of wood. We made promises to each other of experiences in the future. It was really wonderful.
When it was time to leave, neither of us wanted to go home. We sat beside the canal and tried to think of what else we could do to keep the evening ours. We had eaten a late lunch, and then had the tea stop, so though it was time for dinner, neither ome of us was hungry just yet. We looked up some activities on our phones, but then I realized that I didn’t really want another thing to do - I just wanted to be with him. So we went home, with a stop through the Taco Bell drive thru, for us and BugGirl, who was still painting our sun porch. We all had a picnic of sorts together in the living room, and then she was off to do more painting. So then DarkKnight and I spent the rest of the evening just laughing together and trying our best at Super Mario World on our SNES. Can you believe that game is 30 years old? Oh, we were so very terrible at it!
We finally went to bed around 11 pm, and we had sex. That actually was kind of difficult for me. This man, the one I love, looking so fucking hot lying there next to me - I wasn’t horny for him at all. This was a shock to me, and I had trouble with that. I mean, I’m never not horny! But once I was in bed, and things were quiet, this pervasive sadness just was a little overwhelming. It wasn’t even thoughts of PunkRock. I wasn’t horny for him either - it was just, depression and stillness and this empty feeling.
I told DarkKnight about it and he said he could fix it. Lol This man! I had a vibrator out, but it needed to be recharged, so he got up and grabbed another one, only it needed to be recharged as well. I felt like I needed a down and dirty quick cum, and THEN I would be okay. DarkKnight said he knew what to do, and yeah - 15 years together, he DEFINITELY does. He hooked his fingers up inside and within a minute I was squirming and squealing. Once I had caught my breath, he just had this satisfied look on his face, and all the sadness was gone from me - all I had soul space for was this wonderful, loving man in front of me. We then had some sweet, very fulfilling sex, that was good for both of us.
He read to me again last night, as he does every night. An update on the Lurking Fear - right now the protagonist has discovered that there were TWO monsters, and one of them has been burned to death by local villagers. That’s the only fact I remember that I know was new. Lol I had another solid night of sleep, though it was definitely after midnight when DarkKnight started reading. So I think it was 4 hours of sleep just now. I am going to go to sleep again after posting this!
Later today is my D&D group, and it will be interesting. The last time I was there - we meet every two weeks - I was discussing with my friend that I was so very concerned about my relationship with PunkRock, that his communication was terrible and that was causing issues. I told him I liked HippieChick, but that I was concerned about how NRE was effecting PunkRock, and that he was a terrible hinge so far. He was trying to improve, but it was a struggle for everyone. I’ve talked in depth with this friend since - he is such a good support when I reach out to him - but I haven’t seen him in person since before the breakup.
I have zero plans to focus on my split while there though! I’m ready to get my game on! Lol Speaking of which, I need to level up my character this morning, before I go. I haven’t had time to do that yet - I’ve been kind of busy.