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  #21  
Old 05-16-2016, 07:27 PM
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You know, I look back at the people who loved me when I could not love them back...and despite what I say here, there were far more of them, than there were people that I loved with any great passion...and how I reacted to that...

In the past, I have emotionally or physically distanced myself.

I have faked the funk. I have allowed partners to think that I loved them in the same ways or to the same degrees, when I didn't.

Most notably was my looonnnng marriage. I used to, without reservation, simply tell him that I loved him in return. Eventually I felt a need to be more honest. I began to tell him that there was a chance, that when the kids were grown, I might leave. I began to tell him that I was sorry, because he has always been so very in love with me, and I do love him for the family connection we have, but I have never been as passionate for him as he was for me. That I was just doing my best with the cards life had dealt me.

It has been very hurtful to him that I never loved him as much or in the way that he loved me. He feels that our entire marriage was "a lie" because I never wanted to be with him. There is so much more to it than that, but I don't want to be deceptive. And immediately rebounding from that, to the Worm King, who was impossible to read (rare--as I said I can usually read people and I couldn't read him)...and who did not want to explore his own motivations with me and be communicative about what he was seeking or where he could meet me...he was sometimes deliberately confusing, I think...

After all of that stuff, I just want to be totally upfront. So at this time, if someone told me that they loved me, I would smile and be good to them, and I would ask them what that meant, and I might tell them that I didn't feel that way but I appreciated it. If I were building a new relationship thing I might tell them if I thought maybe I needed more time to feel that way. We would have seperate conversations about life escalator stuff and relationship style so that they know very well where I am at.

In my present polycule, I did not have instant "bonfire style" passion for any of them except Fire (somewhat.) I was kind of unsure of the others at first. But they seemed like good people, so I decided to give it a chance. And it DID grow into a beautiful and wonderful kind of love with each of them. A kind that feels a LOT less perilious than the immediate and explosive, obsessive kind I've had in the past for a few of my partners.

But that bonfire is a lot of fun while it lasts, usually not long but still. I wish very, very much that I could have that and enjoy it and NOT have it wind up being hurtful and messy and confusing. I would give nearly anything to find a partner where we both feel the same bonfire and both enjoy it enough to keep doing it. I've wondered pretty much my whole life if that is even possible.
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  #22  
Old 11-27-2017, 04:23 PM
Kelstar Kelstar is offline
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Ive been thinking about this exact thing for a few weeks now but couldnt really put it into words! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I feel this way about my secondary partner right now and i expressed it and i think it freaked him out a little bit. Now i can explain things properly.
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  #23  
Old 11-27-2017, 05:44 PM
sunray sunray is offline
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Glad you bumped this thread, Kelstar! It was a great read for me, as RacingSnail and I have just this kind of mismatch in our relationship. (Heís the slow burn, Iím bringing the fireworks.) Iím really quite proud of how weíve been able to be honest with each other every step of the way, and make allowances for each otherís very different styles. Frankly, for me, having another partner really helps me not put any pressure on him to feel things in any particular way, or on any particular schedule.
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  #24  
Old 01-11-2018, 03:07 PM
libertinelover libertinelover is offline
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I enjoyed this article as it really speaks to the situation I'm in and something I'm struggling with at times.
Just over a year ago our 20 year marriage became an open marriage by mutual consent with the view to having separate NSA sex on the side. But of course I went and fell in love with my F-buddy. I don't believe these feelings impact on or are a threat to my marriage so I'm not worried about that. For a while I felt like the article said - even rehearsed the disclaimer I would give if I told my FB I was in love with him.
- That it was just a feeling I had at the moment, not a commitment or promise or expectation. It might last a day or years. It didn't mean I wanted any change to the way things were and I didn't need him to return the feeling. (I never did say any of this.)
But as time went on, I had a growing longing for him to be in love with me and tell me and at times I have felt quite heartbroken believing he doesn't (I really don't know!).
I wish I could go back to not needing reciprocation - or to be precise - not needing to know for sure that he is in love with me, when it wouldn't change anything, and I know he cares about me, desires me, was/is infatuated with me. Why do I pine for that extra validation I attach to him saying he loves me?
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  #25  
Old 01-16-2018, 04:29 PM
nelleyram nelleyram is offline
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Actually, I am at an impasse as to how to negotiate this site.
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  #26  
Old 02-02-2018, 12:34 AM
nelleyram nelleyram is offline
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Thanks for your memo. The site sure has some intrigue. Yet, it does not help me negotiate my way around local polygamy forums or sites
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  #27  
Old 02-02-2018, 02:39 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I'm bad about that too. I fall in love easily but saying that doesn't meanI want to shack up and make babies. I think we are in the minority maybe.

There is a difference between being pressured and feeling pressured. One should probably find out what a person means before making a huge deal over the L word.
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  #28  
Old 02-02-2018, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I'm bad about that too. I fall in love easily but saying that doesn't meanI want to shack up and make babies. I think we are in the minority maybe.

There is a difference between being pressured and feeling pressured. One should probably find out what a person means before making a huge deal over the L word.
The other difficulty I think lies in recognizing "your stuff" vs "other people's stuff"...if it's YOUR stuff, then you've got some thinkin' to do, but if it's other people's stuff, it's kinda not your problem.

So in a situation where people get scared because another person feels something...

If you can point to actions that feel nudgy and uncomfortable, you can ask for different actions. If someone else just says, "I am feeling a feel." then there's nothing at all you need to do. Good! Feel your feel, man. You go. I think too many also have no buffer between feeling an emotion and doing something about it. Get angry? Yell and hit stuff! Feel love? Craft a life bond, that person must be mine! I think it's healthier to spend some time thinking, in between the emotion and the words/actions that you think you need to do.

So on that note, a person's feelings should not feel threatening. But a person's words or actions, could be.

Interesting to apply that to other emotional states besides love.

Someone says to you, "I am feeling angry today" or "I am feeling sad right now." Just that and no more. Well, if a declaration of loving feelings could be seen as (I've recently started using this terminology and I'm liking it) a bid for intimacy or connection, then what are declarations of anger, pain, or sadness a bid for? A bit of talk time to work out an issue? A listener who is willing to do some emotional labor for the person having the feelings? OK, but are we then OBLIGATED to hear them and help them? Any more than someone saying they are hungry and broke or can't make the rent has placed an obligation on us to give them money, I don't feel that we're obligated to give someone something just because they have declared an emotional state. We can CHOOSE to...but we don't HAVE to.

But for those who are accustomed to not buffering between emotions and actions, then it might seem like there is more of an imperative and an obligation. "This person says they are angry, will they attack me?" "This person says they love me, are they going to impose on my time and space?" It's the entire question of whether our feelings entitle us to anything from other people. I say no, they do not.

Just here, we have nelleyram expressing some confusion regarding how to "navigate" first this site, then "polygamy sites" (this isn't really a site dedicated specifically to polygamy, nelleyram.) And since no one is truly sure what is being asked for, no one has responded to this bid for help.

We have no idea if "navigating" means "how to get from one subforum or thread to another" or "how to get the advice I want on the subjects important to my situation" or...anything. Only that there appears to be a confusion. Until we offer assistance, though, the request is not an entitlement on the part of nelleyram, nor an obligation on anyone else.
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #29  
Old 02-02-2018, 04:01 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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(I PM'd Nellyram so as not to add to the derail and confusion. I'm not sure if I sufficiently answered his question)
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  #30  
Old 04-16-2018, 11:16 AM
Sentinel Sentinel is offline
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I adore this essay. What would the world be like if we could love people without that being a thing? Without the love-shaming. Without the flashbacks to third grade when we gave a girl a valentines card for the first time and she threw it in the bin. Without the implicit desire to monopolise people's lives. Without the judgement about whether you are or aren't 'the one', or whether they are or aren't. If we are building instead of vetting. Crazy hippie dreams. Still, I think there's something important there. Maybe people would be happier.

Last edited by Sentinel; 04-16-2018 at 11:22 AM.
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