New and confused

juanvaldez76

New member
Hi all,

A bit of background and then a long post so my apologies.... my wife and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 kids, 12 and 7.... we are very much in love and plan on staying that way.

About 6 months ago we moved to the country... my wife "K" is a stay-at-home Mom and became very lonely and depressed in the new house as she missed being close to people and felt very isolated and alone and felt that her life was becoming meaningless now that the kids were both in school full time and that her only purpose in life was to be at home for the kids and I.

I used to go online a lot and flirt and chat with other women as a fun thing to do.... K didn't mind as long as I wasn't doing it in front of her. One day she came to me and asked if I'd mind if she joined me.... we ended up talking about it and discovered that we both enjoyed the thrill of exhibitionism... we also decided that it would be fun to spice things up in the bedroom and joined a site so we could experience swinging and/or adding a third person to our fun. K was very concerned about not wanting to feel like she was just being used so she made it very clear to me from the start that she wanted to develop a conection with someone if we did this so that she could feel like he/she/they actually cared about her and respected her... to which I agreed.

She began chatting with "M" and they immediately developed one of those "I feel like I've known you forever" kind of friendships... we figured that this would be perfect... after exchaging texts and emails for a month they decided to meet to see if the chemistry would also be there in person... and boy was it ever.... they began being intimate almost right away.

At first I was shocked and hurt that she would do this without me. She told me that it felt normal and right to her to be doing this alone so I asked if she could involve me by recording some of the things that they did so I would feel like I was still part of it and thought that maybe if she knew I'd be watching later, it would help her feel more comfortable and we could transition this into something that all 3 of us were involved in. She did do that a few times and I enjoyed it but for her it felt like she was doing it for me and not for her and she didn't like that feeling.

Anyway, it has now been almost 3 months and they have definitely taken their relationship to another level. I know that he is only temporary as he is leaving town come September and I know 100% that she is not interested in leaving me or abandoning our marriage or our family.

I have had my ups and downs dealing with this... I know that being with him makes her very happy and has helped take away the depression and loneliness feelings that she had before and I really like that... but then the thought of them being intimate in a way that I'm not involved in makes me hurt and sometimes jealous... especially since we have had some very rocky times recently while I was trying to adapt to this new reality and we have become more distant with each other due to me freaking out and her not knowing if I'm going to stay or leave.... so much so where although we get along great in most aspects of our lives together, our sex life has suffered because she has lost a lot of that "connection" feeling with me.

I still have my good days and my bad days.... I know he is a nice guy that treats her really well.... I know that they have become good friends that like hanging out and enjoying each other's company... and I know that although she may have feelings for him, I'm still the one she loves and wants to be married to.... I just need to work on my insecurities and my jealousy of what they are doing.... finding this forum and reading through it has definitely helped as I now realize that I'm not alone and other people have similar relationships so that has been a big help.

And I know that being with both of us makes her feel happy and fulfilled.. and that if I can accept what she is doing and get our relationship back to where it should be then we will all be happy.

Anyway, sorry for the super long post but this is the first place I've found where I can talk about it without being judged so thanks for reading :)
 
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That's a good story. I love the way you talk and communicate.

Have you asked for more time with her, and has she been responsive?
 
We do spend a lot of time together actually.... she only sees M maybe once and sometimes twice a week depending on our schedules... but other than that they talk a lot over text and email.... but she and I do spend most evenings together snuggling on the couch and watching TV so it's not like I feel abandoned or anything
 
Why is being involved in what she has with someone else so important to you? Do you think it would give you some sense of control, or that you are protecting her? Is there some mistrust you have? Do you feel like she invaded your online fun and took it to an extreme you weren't ready for?

If I were you, I would keep asking myself questions to drill down and understand the underlying belief system and feelings you have that feed into your hurt over this. Remember -- she didn't hurt you. You feel hurt. Take responsibility for that, and don't give in to telling yourself you are a victim. You went into this situation willingly. Feeling hurt is usually a response to a thought process that is deeply ingrained in us. You don't have to feel hurt, but in order to extricate yourself from the discomfort of the feelings you have, you need to keep up with the self-examination, look at old beliefs that no longer serve you, see if it brings up familiar hurts from the past, get to understand how your mind works. And keep talking, talking, talking with her.

I also wonder why you want to get your relationship back to where it was. You can't unring a bell. It will never be the same. Never. Life is not static, we are all always moving, changing, growing. The sooner that you accept this, the more at peace you will be. Look, you can choose to be miserable and hurt or you can choose to see your life as a new adventure and the change on the dynamic of your relationship as the next exciting step on the path.
 
Good points nyc.... make me think.....Feeling involved was/is important for me because we had originally agreed to try swinging or threesomes as a way to experience this together and instead it evolved into her and M alone.... so I think I feel like I want to be involved because I feel left out that she is in another relationship and I'm not? I don't know... like I said it's still a very new situation and I'm trying to figure things out and adjust.... maybe I don't need to be involved and I just need to accept... maybe she wants me to be involved in some way?

And when I said that I want to get things back between her and I all I meant was re-establish that intimate connection which has been damaged by my hurt feelings.... not rewind and pretend like this never happened... sorry for the confusion
 
We do spend a lot of time together actually.... she only sees M maybe once and sometimes twice a week depending on our schedules... but other than that they talk a lot over text and email.... but she and I do spend most evenings together snuggling on the couch and watching TV so it's not like I feel abandoned or anything

One of the the reasons I ventured into online chatting was that my wife has a limit on the amount of affection she can take. Then she routes her attention to other activities like books and computer games. It's how she relaxes and escapes.

I was jealous of them (books and games) for a long, long time, but then I realized I had to take ownership of myself. It's not her job to entertain me. If I need attention, I have to go out and get it.

In a situation where you've agreed to it already, I recommend concentrating on the fact that she could be doing anything with her free time. Because she's spending it on another man should be immaterial. Of course "should" and "is" are two different things, and I have those issues with my girlfriend all the time, but I'm getting better!
 
I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her
 
I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her

I do sympathize. I wish I knew what my triggers were. Some of it is that T doesn't tell me, and I wonder if she's with them when she's not available to me.

One night she spent with G and I was ok with it prior to going to sleep. However, I started waking up at 4am, and barely slept the rest of the night. I wasn't anxious but I wasn't comfortable either. Then last weekend I was a mess, but it was due to poor communication. I should still have been more understanding.
 
Now I can sympathize with you... the first few weeks I was barely able to sleep when she was out.... I assume it was anxiety and the fact that I had no idea what she was doing and that uncertainty was driving me nuts.... but I can sleep now... I think the more she tells me and the more honest she is with me the less worried I am
 
Now I can sympathize with you... the first few weeks I was barely able to sleep when she was out.... I assume it was anxiety and the fact that I had no idea what she was doing and that uncertainty was driving me nuts.... but I can sleep now... I think the more she tells me and the more honest she is with me the less worried I am

So true! It's the uncertainty that drives me crazy; not the acts.
 
Hi juanvaldez76,
Welcome to our forum.

Re (from Post #1):
"I have had my ups and downs dealing with this ... I know that being with him makes her very happy and has helped take away the depression and loneliness feelings that she had before and I really like that ... but then the thought of them being intimate in a way that I'm not involved in makes me hurt and sometimes jealous ... especially since we have had some very rocky times recently while I was trying to adapt to this new reality and we have become more distant with each other due to me freaking out and her not knowing if I'm going to stay or leave ... so much so where although we get along great in most aspects of our lives together, our sex life has suffered because she has lost a lot of that 'connection' feeling with me."

Sounds like a vicious cycle. You feel insecure and freak out, which puts a damper on your physical intimacy with K, which possibly adds to you feeling insecure, and then soon you freak out again, and the vicious cycle continues.

You and K need to get some more of your connection back. It is the responsibility of both of you to try to make that happen, to break that vicious cycle. I hope you can talk and get some things worked out. I know this isn't the dynamic you originally planned on. You originally expected more of a threesome situation. But, sometimes things turn out differently than we expect.

Perhaps you can negotiate some kind of compromise. K gets some of what she wants; you get some of what you want. You have to both be willing to give a little in order to get a little.

You need good communication. You both need to be good talkers, and good listeners. You need to express your concerns without blame, and be willing to hear her concerns without thought of retaliation.

As you continue to post and read on this site, it will help give you more ideas of what to do. I am certainly pulling for you, as I can hear that this is a difficult time for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin :)

We have been communicating and finding this site helped... we have talked about ways of getting that feeling back so hopefully we are now on the right track.
 
Hi Juan,

That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that?

Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy.

Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover.

Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex.

Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive?

OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?
 
Hi Juan,

That is a complicated situation you have there. You had a long time "hobby" of flirting with women-- are you still doing that?

Not so much anymore... when I was younger (before I met my wife) I had very low self-confidence and very few female friends... my wife helped get me out of my shell so to speak and I began noticing and flirting with other women as my confidence grew... always online though as I had no interest in an actual physical encounter... K knew what I was doing and didn't mind so long as it wasn't in her face

Is there any chance of you meeting your wife's bf? Are you interested at all in MFM sex? Is he? Even if the answer is "no," to that, meeting him and having a beverage and a chat might help your jealousy.

I would like to meet him one day and yes, we had originally intended for this to be an MFM sexual situation... and I think there is a possibility of that happeneing but only if I get my feelings under control and she realizes that the thought of her and him doesn't bother me... and truth be told if I was there participating or watching, it wouldn't be. I've seen videos of them doing sexual things and being intimate and that doesn't bother me at all... for some reason it's only the parts that I don't get to see and even then only sometimes...

Now, as to you and your wife moving to the country and her being a stay at home mom, but the kids gone to school all day and she's bored and lonely... why did you 2 do that? She needed a friend. She could've met platonic friends eventually, joined some social groups, but instead she's got a lover.

We did it because we wanted to get away from the sardine-can-type houses we had been in for the last 10 years, buy a single house we could afford, and plus she had grown up in the country. She has friends but the majority of them work... our original intention had been to have a third child soon after we moved but there were issues surrounding that and it couldn't happen.. and she originally was simply chatting to people onine in a platonic way.... this just sort of happened... she wasn't seeking another intimate relationship

Do you want a lover? Surely flirting with other women online was sort of like having lovers, getting the hormones flowing, probably you getting aroused from time to time, masturbating, or bringing that excitement to the bedroom with your wife. Do you want to take it to the next level? It's easier to find someone to date one on one than it is to arrange 3somes, especially if you want real connections and not just casual sex.

I wouldn't mind one as I can see the enjoyment that my wife is having... but it's not something I feel a deep desire for... I figure if it happens I'll be open to the possibility but I'm not actively searching for one

Why has your sex life suffered since she got a lover? Is she worn out sexually with nothing left for you? Or does your resentment/jealousy seem so upsetting/boring/scary to her, she is not excited by you? Or are you so jealous you've lost your sex drive?

She isn't worn out sexually... she usually has a healthy appetite... but my resentment and jealousy has been pushing her away... A few weeks back when I was more calm and accepting of the situation (it was a good week), we did start being a bit more intimate and sex could have happened but we both stopped ourselves because we felt we were still too raw emotionally and that it would have been too soon.... so I know those feelings are still there for both of us....

OK, lots of questions. Where to go from here? Better time management? She only sees him once a week (at least for a while until you two sort out the issues)? Less time spent texting? More romance between the 2 of you? Not just TV watching, but going out on day trips on the weekend, dinners out, a show, an event, a long walk in nature, massages, flowers, candles, wine... All the things new lovers do. NRE can often make poly noobs neglectful of their primaries. Just saying she "still" loves you isn't enough. She has to show it, keep your connection healthy, exciting fun. Does she feel no gratitude you're on board with her having another lover in her life?

I can totally understand how NRE can make noobs neglectful of their primaries... I was definitely feeling that at the start when she would spend hours texting him and emailing him and then not have time for me... that has gotten better in the last little while and they aren't nearly as obsessed with chatting non-stop all day.... and we do try and do more together... just with 2 kids and not a lot of extra money it becomes difficult to find the time (or babysitters).... but we have been trying :)

and I think it's been hard to show me gratitude when I haven't exactly been the most supportive person I could have been.... it was difficult at the start to accept that she wanted to be intimate with someone else without me being involved and that lead to talk of separation.... but we are passed that now and I'm trying to deal with feelings and insecurities as they arise in a positive way instead of freaking out and getting hurt.
 
I think my biggest obstacle to overcome is that uncomfortable feeling of knowing that they are being intimate alone with each other.... and some days I'm fine with it and other days I'm not.... some days I like hearing details and other days I don't....sometimes I like the fact that she has involved me and sometimes I don't like it....

I know it's my feelings that I have to work on because the only thing she doesn't like is how it is making me feel.... but that's me making me feel that way, not her

I know that this would be a huge one for my partner... big hugs.

I do sympathize. I wish I knew what my triggers were. Some of it is that T doesn't tell me, and I wonder if she's with them when she's not available to me.

One night she spent with G and I was ok with it prior to going to sleep. However, I started waking up at 4am, and barely slept the rest of the night. I wasn't anxious but I wasn't comfortable either. Then last weekend I was a mess, but it was due to poor communication. I should still have been more understanding.

It's so helpful to 'hear' you guys talking this out.
 
Thanks for the support elle :)

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess :)
 
Thanks for the support elle :)

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess :)

I'm reading Coming Out and the chapter on Jealousy is fantastic. I highly recommend the whole book.
 
Thanks for the support elle :)

I know that since we were originally going to get into swinging and threesomes and the like, I was ok with the idea of her being intimate with someone else because I assumed I'd be present and participating.... so I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess :)

Isn't that funny, my DH says he gets no thrill out of watching and participating (although in the old days after enough tequila I beg to differ...) and that's fine but, lol, that is a huge turn on!! For me, anyway.

I do think you could go nuts in your head not being there but if she's having a 'real' relationship with him then they do need some time. :)
 
. . . I think that the fact that I feel "excluded" is what is causing these feelings... if we had gone into this as a fully aware poly couple I don't think I'd have the same issues.... it's just a matter of adjusting my viewpoint right now.... it's working slowly but it takes time I guess :)

Hey Juan Valdez! Just saying hello and asking how everything is going now! Are you and your wife still in a poly situation? If so, have you "adjusted your viewpoint," and made peace with poly? I hope you are doing well, and that you will come back and update us.
 
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