Averageperson
New member
Hello, this is my first post so I'm just going to dive right in.
Almost two years ago, my husband asked me if I would consider allowing his (and our live in) friend to join us in the bedroom. At the time, the idea was strictly for recreational fun. After some consideration and moral self searching, I agreed. It didn't take much to be honest as I've always felt a soft and loving spot for his friend and I've known for a few years that he had one for me as well. Needless to say, it all went well and the three of us agreed that we enjoyed it enough that we continued our bedroom engagements for several weeks.
Over the course of several months, feelings had grown and became more intense between me and our friend. I never lost sight or any feelings for my husband and felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be engaged with two wonderful loving men. I'd never heard of polyamory before but discovered it while searching the feelings I was experiencing.... Kind of like a "is this possible?" scenario. I was relieved to learn that I wasn't a crazy person and there were others like me who were reeling in the benefits and all of the amazing love that can be shared. I loved, loved, loved, loving these two men. They became the world to me. I loved doing things for them and taking care of them. We all three discussed the concept of polyamory and decided we'd give it a go....we were a V. I had the full support of both men to love and enjoy the other. I embraced the poly concept entirely...had not yet uncovered that within myself but I'm so glad that I have, as now I know how tremendous it can be loving and being loved in multiple.
Unfortunately and over time, tension grew between husband and boyfriend.... Jealousy, time sharing, tit for tat, etc....all of these demons became a factor. I will spare the gory details as they are water under the bridge now but it reared its ugly head quite often and I was constantly either talking with or trying to pacify (for lack of a better term) one or the other. I will say it became exhausting at times.
Fast forward to present and almost two years later, boyfriend is moving out in a few days. We are all on good terms and still love one another and decided that was most important. As it stands, I will see boyfriend whenever time permits as we do love each other tremendously and I'm still at home with husband. But I'm realistic in knowing that it will eventually fizzle.... Some of the strain we all faced at times was quite tremendous.
Here's where I'm seeking some input. How on earth do I survive this devastation? I am so heartbroken with this separation that I've actually become quite angry and bitter. I get angry when I think that they were unable to manage this and I feel devastated that I may have let them down. I know not everyone is poly and I'm trying really hard to keep that in check. These men know I'm hurt but they don't know how much. I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings as It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy. I truly, truly love these men and do not want to add to their burden as I know we're all hurting as it is.
The feelings I'm experiencing are all over the place. Bitter one minute, devastated the next. Do I just be patient and let these emotions process themselves and run their course? We were not open about our lifestyle (this was very new to all of us) so outside of professional therapy, I've no one to talk to. Is professional therapy recommended? How do I know a therapist will truly understand and provide me real and sincere feedback? Hence, why I've reached out on this forum....this girl is suffering. As I stated in the beginning, I've not posted on here before but I've read and felt compassion for so many of the stories and experiences shared on here. I appreciate your thoughts and Thanks in advance.
Almost two years ago, my husband asked me if I would consider allowing his (and our live in) friend to join us in the bedroom. At the time, the idea was strictly for recreational fun. After some consideration and moral self searching, I agreed. It didn't take much to be honest as I've always felt a soft and loving spot for his friend and I've known for a few years that he had one for me as well. Needless to say, it all went well and the three of us agreed that we enjoyed it enough that we continued our bedroom engagements for several weeks.
Over the course of several months, feelings had grown and became more intense between me and our friend. I never lost sight or any feelings for my husband and felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be engaged with two wonderful loving men. I'd never heard of polyamory before but discovered it while searching the feelings I was experiencing.... Kind of like a "is this possible?" scenario. I was relieved to learn that I wasn't a crazy person and there were others like me who were reeling in the benefits and all of the amazing love that can be shared. I loved, loved, loved, loving these two men. They became the world to me. I loved doing things for them and taking care of them. We all three discussed the concept of polyamory and decided we'd give it a go....we were a V. I had the full support of both men to love and enjoy the other. I embraced the poly concept entirely...had not yet uncovered that within myself but I'm so glad that I have, as now I know how tremendous it can be loving and being loved in multiple.
Unfortunately and over time, tension grew between husband and boyfriend.... Jealousy, time sharing, tit for tat, etc....all of these demons became a factor. I will spare the gory details as they are water under the bridge now but it reared its ugly head quite often and I was constantly either talking with or trying to pacify (for lack of a better term) one or the other. I will say it became exhausting at times.
Fast forward to present and almost two years later, boyfriend is moving out in a few days. We are all on good terms and still love one another and decided that was most important. As it stands, I will see boyfriend whenever time permits as we do love each other tremendously and I'm still at home with husband. But I'm realistic in knowing that it will eventually fizzle.... Some of the strain we all faced at times was quite tremendous.
Here's where I'm seeking some input. How on earth do I survive this devastation? I am so heartbroken with this separation that I've actually become quite angry and bitter. I get angry when I think that they were unable to manage this and I feel devastated that I may have let them down. I know not everyone is poly and I'm trying really hard to keep that in check. These men know I'm hurt but they don't know how much. I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings as It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy. I truly, truly love these men and do not want to add to their burden as I know we're all hurting as it is.
The feelings I'm experiencing are all over the place. Bitter one minute, devastated the next. Do I just be patient and let these emotions process themselves and run their course? We were not open about our lifestyle (this was very new to all of us) so outside of professional therapy, I've no one to talk to. Is professional therapy recommended? How do I know a therapist will truly understand and provide me real and sincere feedback? Hence, why I've reached out on this forum....this girl is suffering. As I stated in the beginning, I've not posted on here before but I've read and felt compassion for so many of the stories and experiences shared on here. I appreciate your thoughts and Thanks in advance.