I am angry. I am bitter. I am devastated.

Averageperson

New member
Hello, this is my first post so I'm just going to dive right in.

Almost two years ago, my husband asked me if I would consider allowing his (and our live in) friend to join us in the bedroom. At the time, the idea was strictly for recreational fun. After some consideration and moral self searching, I agreed. It didn't take much to be honest as I've always felt a soft and loving spot for his friend and I've known for a few years that he had one for me as well. Needless to say, it all went well and the three of us agreed that we enjoyed it enough that we continued our bedroom engagements for several weeks.

Over the course of several months, feelings had grown and became more intense between me and our friend. I never lost sight or any feelings for my husband and felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be engaged with two wonderful loving men. I'd never heard of polyamory before but discovered it while searching the feelings I was experiencing.... Kind of like a "is this possible?" scenario. I was relieved to learn that I wasn't a crazy person and there were others like me who were reeling in the benefits and all of the amazing love that can be shared. I loved, loved, loved, loving these two men. They became the world to me. I loved doing things for them and taking care of them. We all three discussed the concept of polyamory and decided we'd give it a go....we were a V. I had the full support of both men to love and enjoy the other. I embraced the poly concept entirely...had not yet uncovered that within myself but I'm so glad that I have, as now I know how tremendous it can be loving and being loved in multiple.

Unfortunately and over time, tension grew between husband and boyfriend.... Jealousy, time sharing, tit for tat, etc....all of these demons became a factor. I will spare the gory details as they are water under the bridge now but it reared its ugly head quite often and I was constantly either talking with or trying to pacify (for lack of a better term) one or the other. I will say it became exhausting at times.

Fast forward to present and almost two years later, boyfriend is moving out in a few days. We are all on good terms and still love one another and decided that was most important. As it stands, I will see boyfriend whenever time permits as we do love each other tremendously and I'm still at home with husband. But I'm realistic in knowing that it will eventually fizzle.... Some of the strain we all faced at times was quite tremendous.

Here's where I'm seeking some input. How on earth do I survive this devastation? I am so heartbroken with this separation that I've actually become quite angry and bitter. I get angry when I think that they were unable to manage this and I feel devastated that I may have let them down. I know not everyone is poly and I'm trying really hard to keep that in check. These men know I'm hurt but they don't know how much. I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings as It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy. I truly, truly love these men and do not want to add to their burden as I know we're all hurting as it is.

The feelings I'm experiencing are all over the place. Bitter one minute, devastated the next. Do I just be patient and let these emotions process themselves and run their course? We were not open about our lifestyle (this was very new to all of us) so outside of professional therapy, I've no one to talk to. Is professional therapy recommended? How do I know a therapist will truly understand and provide me real and sincere feedback? Hence, why I've reached out on this forum....this girl is suffering. As I stated in the beginning, I've not posted on here before but I've read and felt compassion for so many of the stories and experiences shared on here. I appreciate your thoughts and Thanks in advance.
 
Hi, Averageperson, and welcome!

I'll cut to the core. On some points, I'll need further details before I offer advice.
a) Unfortunately and over time, tension grew between husband and boyfriend...

b) Fast forward to present and almost two years later, boyfriend is moving out in a few days.

c) We are all on good terms and still love one another and decided that was most important. As it stands, I will see boyfriend whenever time permits as we do love each other tremendously and I'm still at home with husband. But I'm realistic in knowing that it will eventually fizzle... Some of the strain we all faced at times was quite tremendous.

d) How on earth do I survive this devastation? I am so heartbroken with this separation that I've actually become quite angry and bitter. I get angry when I think that they were unable to manage this and I feel devastated that I may have let them down.

e) I know not everyone is poly and I'm trying really hard to keep that in check.

f) These men know I'm hurt but they don't know how much. [...] I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings

g) It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy. I truly, truly love these men and do not want to add to their burden as I know we're all hurting as it is.

h) Is professional therapy recommended? How do I know a therapist will truly understand and provide me real and sincere feedback?

i) this girl is suffering.
a) Was this tension only due to the poly, or were there other factors? (Friends do go there separate ways.)

b) ditto: Is the friend moving out because the poly didn't work, because your husband is fed up with him squeezing the toothpaste tube at the wrong end, because BF has found a place of his own that he prefers,...?

c) Why do you know that it will eventually fizzle? How do you know? Why are you so pessimistic? All relationships need effort to keep them going. If it's worth fighting for, you should get ready to fight. If you give up, that is your decision.

d) Stop blaming them. Above all, stop blaming yourself for "letting them down". Spend that energy on looking for solutions.

e) Why try to "keep that in check"???

[Pause here to deal with the overriding point of this whole thing: You have to decide what you want, you have to make your choices. if poly isn't for you, that's a valid choice. If it is for you, be prepared to work at it.]

f) You not only have a right: you have a responsibility: ANY relationship - poly or otherwise - which neglects honesty and good communication is a failure. I don't care if it last 80 years: it's still a failure.

g) You're not "forcing them" into anything. You are letting them know, clearly and honestly, what your hopes, wants, and needs are. What they do with that information is up to them.

h) If you decide on professional therapy, make sure that you find a poly-friendly therapist. there are some floating about.

i) Have a big hug from me. Or is that going to cause more tension :rolleyes:?
 
I am so sorry your live-in V didn't work out.

You said you'd spare us gory details of the guys' jealousies and difficulty time sharing, and "tit for tat" comparison behavior. So bf is moving out.

I hear you're devastated, but all is not lost. It sounds like you were trying to be a good hinge, but the men behaved badly once the NRE of threeway sex etc wore off.

I wonder if anyone has read the books More Than Two, or Opening Up? They are pretty good guidebooks to overcoming relationship problems in polyamory.

Time sharing and scheduling is important. Our member Bluebird has a blog here. She has 2 husbands (and just ended a relationship with a bf who also lived with them for a time). She schedules date nights and overnights very precisely. Each man gets what he needs. Rather than compare, each guy should tell you what he needs, without saying, well, he got abc so I should get abc too. Maybe what he really needs is efg.

I hope things calm down with bf in a separate residence, and you continue to love both men and everyone's needs are better met. Our member Dagferi has 2 husbands with their own residences and she time shares between the 2 houses. Search her posts, and her blog.

I hear you're disappointed, even devastated. If it's upset you that much to have this change in relationship dynamics come about, to the point you can't function, yes, go get into therapy. Either individual, or with one or both guys. Up to you. There are therapists out there who are experienced in working with alternative lifestyle clientele.

Good luck! Keep posting with more details as much as you want. It can help just to vent to people who "get it."
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I don't think this sounds bad at all.

Fast forward to present and almost two years later, boyfriend is moving out in a few days. We are all on good terms and still love one another and decided that was most important. As it stands, I will see boyfriend whenever time permits as we do love each other tremendously and I'm still at home with husband.

It's simply the next phase for this trio. Cohabitation wasn't working out.

The next 3 things? That stuff to me sounds like you ADDING to your load. What for? What joy does that bring you?

1 -- But I'm realistic in knowing that it will eventually fizzle.

It might change again, or it might stabilize here. You don't know in advance what it will be. You will know when you know. Why engage in doom talk?:confused:

Could be more clear.

If you know YOU don't want to "wait and see" because that drives you crazy? You could break up now and end it so you aren't left with hanging question marks over you head. Some people don't like ambiguity.

If you know you want to wait and see, but need some talking time to be able to weather it out better? and have a better attitude about it? You could ask to talk with your people and get it on the schedule. Why be a martyr? Simply having some needs doesn't make you clingy/needy.

Why are you being your own bully and calling yourself names? :(

How does that help TAKE AWAY from your stress load?

2 -- How on earth do I survive this devastation?

You are still dating him. He's simply moving to his own space. Maybe that's healthier. Why does that change have to be "devastating?" If maintaining separate spaces solves the bickering stuff, isn't that a good thing over all? :confused:

3 -- I get angry when I think that they were unable to manage this and I feel devastated that I may have let them down.

You sound like you are acting out at them (they failed you) and you are acting in with you (you failed them.) I am sorry you are experiencing a great upheaval of emotion. I think they mainly stem from the stories you are telling yourself in your head about doom and gloom. You might want to think about how you handle strong emotions/stress. Maybe that's an area you could improve?

As an outsider? I just see people who tried one arrangement (opening to poly while living together) which turned out to be way too intense and led to bickering. Who are now trying to solve it with separate homes and NOT living together. Which seems totally reasonable to me.

Poly or not, all relationships go through stages. You guys got through the pink fluffy lala clouds phase, came down to earth with the bickering stage, and will now hopefully hit the stable stage with greater understanding of each other. The trio -- renewed and working out better.

Most relationship, mono or poly, have stages to get through where kinks are worked out. This is no different.

http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/romantic-love/relationship-stages

You could google other articles if that helps give you a better perspective.

These men know I'm hurt but they don't know how much. I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings as It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy. I truly, truly love these men and do not want to add to their burden as I know we're all hurting as it is.

So you don't tell them at this very moment that you are bummed out living together did not work out.

But you could ask to talk about it all later after the move and the dust settles.

When you talk later? Just do your end of the job -- give clear communication about where YOU are at with things. Let them do THEIR end of the their job -- listening, and giving their own input. To me you sound like you need a good airing out with your people.

Not because of doom -- but because there's been a lot of changes and it takes time to digest, and you need some help and maybe some reassurance, and with living arrangements changing, you need connection with them in other ways.

Maybe that's another area to work on -- better expressing what you need. You might look at non-violent communicaton by Marshall Roseberg.

I feel like I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings as It would be like trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them and the thought of telling them how I really feel makes me feel selfish and greedy.

I am going to take the liberty of using THINK in there. It sounds persnickety, but you could leave "feel" for actual emotions and "THINK" for your thoughts. That could help you solve confusion because then you aren't mixing them up together. You can always change your mind about what you think too. I quote just to visually block it off.

I THINK I don't have the right to share my deepest feelings in my V. (Why not?)

I THINK if I tell how I really feel, my partners will accuse me of trying to force them into something that is obviously uncomfortable for them. (You have accuse-y partners with poor listening skills? It cannot just be you expressing sadness so you can let it out and let it go? :confused:)

I think telling I am being selfish and greedy if I tell them how I really feel -- that I'm sad living together at this time did not work out. (Why is it "selfish and greedy" to talk about feeling sad?)

Could stop predicting their responses ahead of time and then cranking yourself up with what YOU predict they will do or think. If what you need is help processing sadness, why hide it? It's ok to be sad that living together didn't work out right now.

You sharing how you feel is not forcing people to do things. Ask for the help you need. They are either willing or not willing to help. Don't be calling yourself names like "greedy and selfish" because you have a need to express yourself and process with your people.

Having some needs sometimes doesn't automatically make you "needy and clingy" or something.

I don't see why you are withholding emotional/mental intimacy with people you say you love deeply. Don't they want to know the real you? You seem to want to share it. But are too busy beating yourself up and talking yourself out of actually doing it.

Confidence is grown by DOING. It's not a muscle that is going to get stronger sitting around unused.

Do I just be patient and let these emotions process themselves and run their course?

Yes. But change the question to HOW. HOW can you cultivate patience and let these emotions process and run their course? Examine what you need to HELP you.

  • Don't be ADDING to the load with all the self bullying and doom thinking.

  • DO talk to your people -- just don't drop bombs when he's moving in a few days. Get the moving done, and settle, and set a date 1-2 weeks out to process you sadness. Right now it is his turn because he's got moving to deal with.

    Setting a talk date? That lets you know you aren't going to be forgotten, but it also lets everyone have a week or two to chill and adjust to this new change a bit. Maybe you can help BF set up his new place. I am sure there's a lot to do with setting up kitchen, bathroom, etc. Do things that help you get better centered/grounded and are productive/constructive. Don't spend your free time spinning new doom thoughts to upset yourself with.


I hope your UGH feelings clear up and you feel better soon. But again... I don't think this sounds bad. It just sounds like the trio discovered living together as friends was fine, but rushing into living together as a new polyship -- was just too much intensity that led to friction. So you are solving it by changing living arrangements. Which to me? Sounds totally reasonable.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Don't despair!

It's difficult enough to live with other people who are just platonic roommates, never mind love partners. Even some monogamous married people have two homes and enjoy living separately - intimacy and living together do not always or automatically come together smoothly. The living arrangement you had would have been a challenge for anyone, and very few polyfolk do it (or do it well). Read the blogs of our members Bluebird and Phy in the Blog section for examples of living arrangements that work well - they both still had many bumps in the road along the way!

You don't have to live with a lover (or all your lovers) to "be poly" and have great relationships in your life. Cohabiting is not required! If I were you, instead of focusing on how it didn't work, look at how both your relationships will now have more room and opportunity to blossom without the stresses of living together. Don't just accept the idea that your relationship with the bf will fizzle out - let him know how hurt you are and how much you want it to work. Then set some boundaries with your husband in case he thinks he owns your freedom and believes that the bf moving out will mean you'll be at home for him all the time. You can have a love life outside of your primary home!

I am sorry it hurts so much right now, but the arrangement didn't fail. It is simply taking on a new shape and will probably work out much better for all of you. I think it's a time to be excited about the new possibilities and am rooting for all of you. Be optimistic and speak your truth, and you will be okay!

You can do this!
 
Last edited:
I have been happily MARRIED to two men for 3 almost 4 YEARS. I have actually been with Murf 4 years and Butch 15 years. I have made travel between two seperately home work just fine. I even have kids and a slew of pets in the mix. Just because your bf is moving out doesn't mean thing will fizzle out.
 
Resources for finding poly-friendly counselors:

If you can't find a poly-familiar counselor, but can find an open-minded counselor, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.
 
I don't know if I'd recommend my blog (thanks y'all!) because the length of the thing is daunting, but living separately doesn't have to be the end of things. If you want to continue dating your boyfriend, then do so. I vastly prefer having both of my husbands live with me, but when I was first dating PunkRock, I did split my time between two households. It isn't an impossible thing to do.

We are looking to purchase a house soon, and we haven't ruled out the idea of buying a duplex - so each guy would have their own space, but we could still open up a wall or two for some shared areas as well. Or if you're not in the home-owning part of your life, maybe you could all rent apartments in the same complex? You don't have to live far away from each other, do you?

One of the reasons things work with my two guys is that they each have their own bedrooms and at least one additional area of the house that is theirs - for DarkKnight that is his office, and for PunkRock, that's his paint desk in the basement. But that is only addressing the actual living space.


From your post, it sounds like it was more relationship skills that were the issue here. I definitely recommend More Than Two - each of you read a chapter, then come together and discuss. Or as the hinge, discuss with each guy separately.

There should be no tit-for-tat going on. In my household, everyone shares a google calendar and they can see where I'm at, and who has a date night or sleepover night. It's as even as I can make it, and if there's a special event that breaks the rhythm - and there often is, because I like to do things! - I shuffle things around and make it work. But it is never like, he got to go to a concert, so I want to go to one too! It's more along the lines of what do we want to do to foster that relationship - and if a concert is what we enjoy together, then let's go do that.

It also seems to me that this was definitely a primary-secondary set up. If you were wanting your boyfriend to be a primary but your husband was pushing against that, that's a problem. I can't tell if that was your issue or not, but seeing as you're staying with your husband and being fatalistic about the boyfriend, I'd say you are also treating him secondary.
 
I'm puzzled.

Your partner is moving out, & you seem to indicate that the relationship is ending.

If so, then why? Is it ending because he's moving out, or is he moving out because it's already ended?

Is it necessary for the three of you to live together in order to have a sexual/loving relationship?

Is your goal polyamory, or a three-person marriage?
 
"I am angry. I am bitter. I am devastated."

Hi honey I'm home :D. Cue to duck



I didn't read any of the other comments because of time reasons all I'll say us moods are infectious. One or both of these guys might wonder is this worth it.
It's like all the crap that happened during the NRE phase ....it's still real for the person it's happening to.

I've been on these forum for a while and have talked with lots of people and there seems to be a pattern of over estimating relationships / marriages and or break points. In which it becomes to heavy or burdensome to carry on.

It sound like you're the hinge to 2 mono guys but that could change in an instant ....things snap and break.

For myself it was a golf outing I met a funny and attractive woman who offered to wash my balls ....for free :D .....for others it might be a bar tender with a sympathetic ear....all of sudden why am I doing this.
 
To backfill a bit. I was in a VERY nice MFM triad for almost a year. I had (& still have) a lot of affection for him... but in the end he could not accept that he was an equal partner. That she loved me, I loved her, & we wanted him to earn up to equality. Sweet guy that he was/is, he just could not accept being anything less than THE center of attention. (Not to say that's what YOUR triad had, but there ya go...)

Really, it does bum me out somewhat to hear that the three of you couldn't make this work. In all sincerity, I hope that you will keep the lines of communication open & maybePOSSIBLY get back together in the future.

From my own experiences, I'll guess that a satisfied MFM is to be treausured. i mean, HECK, two guys in the same bed NOT competing??? :eek: You were all happy for a while, & really I do hope you can rediscover that magic.
 
Too bad the OP hasn't been back since her first post. I hope you're OK, Averageperson!
 
Hi everyone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your experienced insight, honest feedback, and caring sentiments to a stranger such as myself is refreshing. It's a lot to take in because I want this so bad....but as recommended, I'll be patient, understanding and let time run its course.

As it was, we (me and hubby, me and bf) had designated days and nights to spend together. If there was something we needed or wanted to do, we'd do so on said time. Friday was our "me" day for doing things specific to ourselves.... I'd have my nails done, etc. This worked out really well for the most part and both men were/are a primary in my book.

Bf has moved into his place and we see each other as frequently as we can. Our schedule has been blown out of the water for the time being though. We lived together for three years and although his family was always welcome and visited often, BF's new environment must be more comfortable as it seems someone is always there. He and I talk and daydream about the day the dust settles so we can settle in ourselves. Guess that's the case when you're not "open" about your lifestyle.

I miss him. I miss curling up next to him and drifting off to sleep with him. It's still as painful as the day I wrote my original post but each day comes and then goes. I've not shared my bitterness with either of them as of yet but I plan to soon. They deserve to know and it's only fair. My prayer is that we three find peace and fulfillment within ourselves and continue to grow and prosper.

Again, I truly appreciate everyone who took the time to read my story and lend their thoughts. Maybe I can learn enough from this experience to in turn offer sound thoughts to someone else in the future. Thanks so much. :)
 
I'm glad you came back, AP!

I know this transition must be hard. Hopefully it is a little bit less hard than trying to run interference between the 2 men.

It's really a shame they couldn't have learned to get along better, let go of jealousy, etc., especially as it was your husband's suggestion you start having sex with BF!

Does BF's family not know he was romantically involved with you? I didn't know he was moving in with family. I guess I'd assumed he'd get his own place. Is there no comfortable place for you and him to meet now, for intimacy? Do they still think he is just a friend of yours and your husband's? Or do they know you are involved?

Is it possible he can still come to your place, or does your husband not want him over at all anymore?

Tough times!
 
Bf has moved into his place and we see each other as frequently as we can. Our schedule has been blown out of the water for the time being though. We lived together for three years and although his family was always welcome and visited often, BF's new environment must be more comfortable as it seems someone is always there. He and I talk and daydream about the day the dust settles so we can settle in ourselves. Guess that's the case when you're not "open" about your lifestyle.
Sounds like your bf needs to learn how to say "no." I never understand why so many people have this idea that you can't refuse family. Of course you can.

Maybe they are coming over more often now because their attitude about his living with a married couple was that it was temporary, and now they see his living on his own independently as something to celebrate.

Still, he doesn't have to open the door every time they knock. He doesn't have to let them come over whenever they want. He has a right and the ability to set boundaries. If he really wants to be able to have you over, he'll take charge and step up to make it happen.
 
I didn't know he was moving in with family. I guess I'd assumed he'd get his own place.
I believe that you read it right the 1st time, Magdlyn:
Bf has moved into his place and we see each other as frequently as we can. Our schedule has been blown out of the water for the time being though. We lived together for three years and although his family was always welcome and visited often, BF's new environment must be more comfortable as it seems someone is always there.
I'm beginning to think that Bf's moving out could turn out to be really positive.

@ Averageperson, unless you (as a couple) and Bf moved into your place at the same time, bought the place together, and/or had all 3 names on the lease/deeds, Bf must always have felt that he was on your [husband+wife's] patch. And although I'm sure you tried to make his family feel welcome, they evidently always felt that they were visiting him in your [husband+wife's] house.

If this isn't the case,

a) why was it a given that Bf had to move out when he and husband decided that they could no longer live together?

b) why does his family feel more comfortable visiting him in a place of his own?

(Or are they only housewarming it for him?)

I have lived in a situation like this: 3rd adult in a "family" (difference: no poly relationship), where theoretically we were all on an equal footing. Although one of them had bought the place and I had next-to-no money, they were willing to put my name on the deed as equal owner. (I turned the offer down.) Important decisions were to be made on a one-person-one-vote system. But it didn't really work out that way. Whenever she and I disagreed, and he had no preference one way or another, he would vote with her (to keep the peace in the bedroom). I have to admit that she didn't do this. If he and I disagreed, she was capable of saying: "I don't care at all, you two decide."*

But it meant that I was outvoted on well over half of all issues.

And if I invited friends to come visit, my friends (often [not always] also friends of the couple, ie. friends of the 3 of us) always felt that they needed permission from the couple to visit.

Although the man had been (and was later to be) my best friend, after 6 months of living like this, I left, resenting both of them, and made little-to-no contact for 3 years.

After 35 years we're still all friends.

But I wouldn't want to live with them.

* (But then, she was always the dominant one in their relationship.)
 
Last edited:
Sounds like your bf needs to learn how to say "no." I never understand why so many people have this idea that you can't refuse family. Of course you can.
WOW! That's some conclusion that you're jumping to, nycindie! Just because you and I have poor relationships with our families, it doesn't mean that everyone does. Maybe Bf is happy to see more of his family. (See my previous comment, started in another window before you made your reply.) Maybe he appreciates them for helping him to settle in, and/but is looking forward to a more settled time when he can see more of his family, but has got more private space [than right now] to spend with Averageperson.

I'm not saying that you're wrong (or that I'm right). I'm just saying that (unless you've read another comment by Averageperson on another thread that I'm unaware of) it's jumping to conclusions to assume that Bf wants to say no or refuse family.
Maybe they are coming over more often now because their attitude about his living with a married couple was that it was temporary, and now they see his living on his own independently as something to celebrate.
Maybe, maybe not. And Averageperson can't answer this one for us, either... unless she can look inside their heads. Maybe they are coming over more often now because they just love the view from his huge living-room window.
 
Last edited:
No, MFFR, it is you who is assuming too much or have misinterpreted what I wrote. Nowhere did I say or imply that the bf does not have a good relationship with his family, nor that he doesn't enjoy their company. You are putting words in my mouth.

Furthermore, I do not have "poor relations" with my family. Where did you get that crazy idea from what I posted? So, please speak for yourself and not me.


The OP has stated that they don't get to see each other as much because his family is frequently visiting him at his place. She has also stated that the bf is daydreaming with the OP about some time in the future when they'll be able to "settle in" together in his place. That tells me that he is putting his family first when it comes to managing his time and personal space, and also it seems obvious that he doesn't feel he has the freedom to invite her over more often or have her settle in with him there. She did mention they are not "out" about their relationship, which is another factor.

Saying no to family, or having a hard time saying no to family, does not automatically imply that there is a bad or difficult relationship with family. People with very loving families and healthy dynamics often feel a sense of obligation to be there for family no matter what, and can have a difficult time saying no at those times they want privacy and some distance. The fact is, if he wants to see her and have her over more often, he has the power to make that happen.
 
Last edited:
Thanks for clearing that up for me, you two. These Percocets are making me a little muddle headed and my reading comprehension is off.

I hope BF can carve out a good visiting schedule for you, Averageperson! Hang in there!
 
Back
Top