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Old 07-13-2018, 06:33 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from Annika):
"He said that he intends for the breakup to be temporary, while he gets room to breathe and work through things, and that if I did break up with Ethan then I could just pick things back up later."
That sounds nice in theory. But there are two problems. First, there's no guarantee that Ethan would *want* to pick things back up again. Second, Matt has been wrong about what he could handle in the past. Now he purports to know what he could handle in the future. Assuming he honestly believes taking a break would fix things for him, he could still easily be wrong. You could take a break, then pick things back up with Ethan, only to have Matt freak out all over again.

In spite of those two problems, you could try the break that Matt wants you to try. Things might work out. It would be a gamble. You'd have to decide if you wanted to take that risk. If it worked out, you would be able to keep both Matt and Ethan and have it be a cordial situation. Which would make the risk worth it. If it worked out. Difficult decision, you'll have to decide. Do you want to take the gamble.

"I explained that Ethan probably wouldn't appreciate being vetoed and might be hesitant to get back into a relationship with someone who would do that to him."

I am sorry that Matt is acting so out of character. I hear you that he is normally supportive and reasonable. He's done a sudden 180° and that is discouraging.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:53 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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The title of this thread literally made me cringe. I was expecting to see some ownership mentality going on. But then the dating the boyfriend's best friend made me cringe as well.

This is the first guy you showed an interest in, but it's a friend of his. That makes it hard to tell if it's an ownership thing or, as GalaGirl mentioned, a messy person thing.

BTW, his behavior seems normal for someone who is just staring this journey, even if he is being something if a drama queen. The question is whether or not he will be able to work this out. He may figure out he us not to for poly.
Vince 55/het/m
Mary 55/het/f/married LDR
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I just saw your second post.

He said that he intends for the breakup to be temporary, while he gets room to breathe and work through things, and that if I did break up with Ethan then I could just pick things back up later.
But who is in charge of the (you + Ethan) dyad? I assume you and Ethan. NOT Matt.

The dyad he is part of is the (you+Matt) dyad. And if he needs a break to get some space to digest that this is now actually a V thing in practice rather than in theory? Then Matt could take the temporary break. And (You+Matt) can pick things back up later if/when he's ready.

It's easy to be generous and supportive when it's only theory. It's something else to be supportive when it's "real." Matt's having some challenges right now. That alone I would not mind. People need transition time.

But to me? It would be a turn off that he's doing suicide gestures at you rather than attend to his mental health appropriately, shifting blame/responsibility, acting out, etc. If dating his friend is too weird, he could have said so. There were at least 3 opportunities to do so! If he's not giving correct information, how are you supposed to work like that?

I'm skeptical, like you are; I'm afraid that he'll never work through it, and if I leave Ethan, that I might just make it easier for him to ignore his issues.
Which is why I suggest Matt take repsonsibility for his own well being and what he needs. If he needs a soft time out -- like still dating you but you agree to dial down the NRE lalas around him and not excessively talk about Ethan around him for X weeks while he sorts himself out? That is one approach.

If he needs a hard time out where you guys part ways for X weeks and then meet to see if you are going to stay apart or get back together? That's another approach.

But both approaches is Matt being in charge of HIMSELF. Both avoid Matt trying to boss around the other dyad -- a dyad that he's not even in.

Matt did say that he would probably be most comfortable in a situation where I don't see any other guys but he can see other people, but he also said that he doesn't want to ask that of me because it would be unfair.
It is not unfair to ASK that of you. You are free to accept or decline the dating offer.

I think it would been MORE CLEAR had he just put that out there from the start. Some people are ok with a mono-poly arrangement like that. But Matt isn't going to find them unless he's CLEAR about what he's up for. Then if you chose to sign up for that, you know going in what the expectations were.

Here he said he was totally fine with you being poly, so you expected both sides to be Open. That you didn't act on it until recently doesn't matter. Both sides had the option to see others.

What is the dating offer TODAY? He wants to do a relationship model where things are (closed on your side - open on his side)? If this not something you want? Then it might be easier/kinder all around to decline, end it with Matt and just poly-date Ethan.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-13-2018 at 09:08 PM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 04:59 AM
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PurpleSun PurpleSun is offline
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Originally Posted by Evie View Post
Not that we can diagnose Matt, but I just went through this. I FINALLY got the ability to COMPLETELY cut ties. If this is the case, don't walk. RUN. AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

As for the suicide bit - yeah...any talk of that should be a deal breaker, whether dude is borderline or not. I would end it totally. He is not mentally healthy to even say something like that, and therefore nor is the relationship.
37yo Female, Lesbian, solo poly, possibly looking for one or more girlfriends, definitely looking for friends.

Queer ladies feel free to PM, just for community

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Old Yesterday, 11:28 PM
1234567 1234567 is offline
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Something needs to slow down— and I see you feeling it unethical to break up with one person on another’s say so.

I think it would actually be kindest to break up with Matt and let him work it out, telling him if he decides he CAN handle it, you certainly would want to.

It stops poly hell.

Or, break up with both of them and take some space to think, if you think breaking up with Matt will sour things too much with you and Ethan— it’s possible *your* messy list includes “I don’t date the best friend of my ex-boyfriend.
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