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  #11  
Old 12-26-2017, 07:25 PM
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Beyond sex, there's nothing there, TBH. I don't dislike her as a person. I want to make that clear. I just am not compatible with her romantically, yet I fear what it means for me to dump someone like that.
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  #12  
Old 12-26-2017, 07:38 PM
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You're not being flip. I actually have thought of doing this.
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  #13  
Old 12-26-2017, 07:42 PM
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Yeah, we let attraction take over Ravenscroft. And I admit, I thought this through poorly (read: not at all). I should have just been like, "I'm flattered, thank you, see you at the next meeting!" And left it at that. But, too late for woulda shoulda couldas.
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  #14  
Old 12-28-2017, 12:43 AM
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Hi PurpleSun,

You said this person has three more semesters, can you wait three more semesters and then break up with her? but then, I guess that wouldn't be very honest. If you know you are going to break up with her, the honest move is to just do it now and get it over with. I hope she doesn't screw things up for you, but there doesn't seem to be much you can do about that at this point.

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Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 12-28-2017, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi PurpleSun,

You said this person has three more semesters, can you wait three more semesters and then break up with her? but then, I guess that wouldn't be very honest. If you know you are going to break up with her, the honest move is to just do it now and get it over with. I hope she doesn't screw things up for you, but there doesn't seem to be much you can do about that at this point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Three more semesters is like a year and a half. That's a silly long time to "wait" to break off with someone you have only known for two months.
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  #16  
Old 01-02-2018, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi PurpleSun,

You said this person has three more semesters, can you wait three more semesters and then break up with her? but then, I guess that wouldn't be very honest. If you know you are going to break up with her, the honest move is to just do it now and get it over with. I hope she doesn't screw things up for you, but there doesn't seem to be much you can do about that at this point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Honestly, we've started to kind of grow apart over this break for the holidays, which is kind of what gave me the time and space to really kind of be like, "wait a minute. There's been some seriously fucked up stuff going on here, and I'm the one making all the concessions. Not good." So, I'm really hoping that we just kind of drift, and I can just do it in person (I detest breaking up over text/the phone).
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  #17  
Old 01-02-2018, 11:18 PM
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Here's hoping it all goes as smoothly as possible.
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  #18  
Old 01-08-2018, 12:30 AM
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Originally Posted by PurpleSun View Post
... We started talking, and eventually sort of casually dating ... Before I know it, we're exchanging Christmas presents and she's hanging out at my apartment with my cat. Now, I told her right away that I am poly, and that for me, this is as much an orientation as my being gay, and that it won't change ...
Okay that's important.
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It turns out, she seems to be one of those mono people who came into all of this thinking she could change me, even though I've repeatedly said that I won't. She's shifted to wanting to learn more about poly, but anytime I mention older women or my poly friends, she gets defensive. She's only 20, so I know that a lot of these shortcomings are simply her age and lack of maturity.
This part is an interesting paradox. Although we tend to assume that the older we get the wiser we are, it's also true that the younger we are the more neuroplasticity there is in our brains. Young people are therefore actually better able to adapt.
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But I can't even talk to her about that, or even MENTION the age difference without her getting defensive. Anytime the subject comes up, she pretty much insinuates that she's attempting to hang on to this "just the two of us" scenario as long as possible. Most recently, a week ago, she said, " I hope you aren't looking at this being a problem anytime soon."
That's just insecurity. Given time it will pass. The question is whether or not you will have enough time for her to adapt before one of you finds themselves unable to handle the situation and tells the other it's over.
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The problem here is not breaking up; I am one of those people who believes that when something isn't working, it just isn't working, and that we don't owe people a relationship. However, I could see this girl being the type to get all bitter and go trashing me in the org and around campus if I dump her. She's already explicitly said she'd be really hurt if I broke up with her over "assumptions" rather than giving her a chance. The thing is, I HAVE given her a chance. It's been 2 months, and I already see a million blinking red stop lights here. But, I also don't want her making my life miserable if I dump her. I have to be at this school for another 2 years to get my degree. Luckily, she only has 3 semesters left, but still, in college life, that can be a lifetime.
Your fears are understandable, but there's really only one option that resolves the problems, and that's to maintain your principles and that includes following your heart if others might become involved and communicating all your concerns without reservation to everyone involved. Once communication is compromised, the rest begins to deteriorate as well. Then you have an even worse situation.
Quote:
So, should I string this out? After all, the sex is great, I don't have anyone else in the wings, and it's not like I'm miserable or anything. However, I don't want it to blow up in my face, either. I like her as a person, but deep down I know she isn't going to be a long term partner, and she truly is not okay with the whole polyamory thing, and certainly doesn't really fully understand it.
In my view being poly doesn't mean dumping anyone you truly care about over issues of exclusivity, so my advice is to just continue to be yourself and be open, honest and patient. It's possible the light bulb will go on and she'll adapt, or it's possible it won't and then her social conditioning will force her to breakup with you and solve the problem for you.

FWIW this has just happened to me. I was in a relationship with a wonderful mono woman for about two years, but she just couldn't adapt and broke up with me three times. The last time was a couple of days ago. The first couple of times hurt. This did too, but not as much. Now it makes me shake my head and pisses me off more than being a heartache.

I also have a mono-poly relationships page on my site you might find helpful. The site link is below in my signature line. Here's how it starts:

Generally speaking, mono poly pairing is seen as unwise on both sides of the equation, but if the love poly people feel in their relationship is of fundamental importance, rules that prevent people who love each other from having a relationship don't seem to make sense. So in my personal version of polyamory, I have chosen not to allow polyamory itself to become a barrier to any truly loving relationship ... PolyNatural - Poly Mono Pairing

Hope this helps and best of luck in the new year!
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Last edited by PolyNatural; 01-08-2018 at 12:41 AM.
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  #19  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:19 AM
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Originally Posted by PolyNatural View Post
Okay that's important.

This part is an interesting paradox. Although we tend to assume that the older we get the wiser we are, it's also true that the younger we are the more neuroplasticity there is in our brains. Young people are therefore actually better able to adapt.

That's just insecurity. Given time it will pass. The question is whether or not you will have enough time for her to adapt before one of you finds themselves unable to handle the situation and tells the other it's over.

Your fears are understandable, but there's really only one option that resolves the problems, and that's to maintain your principles and that includes following your heart if others might become involved and communicating all your concerns without reservation to everyone involved. Once communication is compromised, the rest begins to deteriorate as well. Then you have an even worse situation.

In my view being poly doesn't mean dumping anyone you truly care about over issues of exclusivity, so my advice is to just continue to be yourself and be open, honest and patient. It's possible the light bulb will go on and she'll adapt, or it's possible it won't and then her social conditioning will force her to breakup with you and solve the problem for you.

FWIW this has just happened to me. I was in a relationship with a wonderful mono woman for about two years, but she just couldn't adapt and broke up with me three times. The last time was a couple of days ago. The first couple of times hurt. This did too, but not as much. Now it makes me shake my head and pisses me off more than being a heartache.

I also have a mono-poly relationships page on my site you might find helpful. The site link is below in my signature line. Here's how it starts:

Generally speaking, mono poly pairing is seen as unwise on both sides of the equation, but if the love poly people feel in their relationship is of fundamental importance, rules that prevent people who love each other from having a relationship don't seem to make sense. So in my personal version of polyamory, I have chosen not to allow polyamory itself to become a barrier to any truly loving relationship ... PolyNatural - Poly Mono Pairing

Hope this helps and best of luck in the new year!
Thanks for such a well thought out and thoughtful reply! I think the thing is this: In poly/mono pairings, it is always expected that the poly person will be the one to make the concessions. Why is this? This isn't a lifestyle choice for me. Not one bit. Monogamy makes me miserable. I am already starting to feel that stifled feeling. I can't do this much longer. I am actually working on a dating profile as we speak. I am naturally oriented to be poly. We'll see. School starts tomorrow.
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  #20  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:45 AM
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@PolyNatural,

I just read your site! It is very helpful! Thank you! I will definitely work my way through all of this, with all of the wonderful replies in this thread in mind.
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