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  #1  
Old 02-19-2019, 02:13 AM
Wineman77 Wineman77 is offline
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Default Poly Male, struggling but trying to navigate

I'm in love with a woman who has always dreamed of and wanted a poly life. We've been open. Both have been with others since we've been dating. Sexually. I'm having issues with feelings part. Some guy texting hearts and "I miss you" to my person.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:00 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Originally Posted by Wineman77 View Post
I'm in love with a woman who has always dreamed of and wanted a poly life. We've been open. Both have been with others since we've been dating. Sexually. I'm having issues with feelings part. Some guy texting hearts and "I miss you" to my person.
Welcome. My sympathies for the struggle.

My wife checks my phone and I always tell her she is going to find exactly what she is looking for...

Oh look how your "sweetheart" misses you...

It doesn't have anything to do with phone messages. We have an explicitly poly relationship that took years to fine tune. Nothing without permission, everyone on board.

But she'll get to stewing. Then she'll start looking. And then it's "aha!" as if she discovered something, lol.

She is able to laugh about it after she realizes it is just her mind going off on an emotional tangent. What is she expecting to find between two lovers? That they... have sex? Feelings? That was the whole point of going down this road, was it not?

They do love each other. They do miss each other. Poly isn't for everyone, not even a plurality of marriages. It is a special case where we develop compersion - feeling joy at our partner's joy. Not their joy of the outdoors or opera. Their joy in another relationship.
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:53 AM
Wineman77 Wineman77 is offline
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"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:25 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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Originally Posted by Wineman77 View Post
"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.
A lot of people find it helpful not to view their partner as a possession that they are sharing with others. Instead, they view their partner as an autonomous person who is choosing to share THEIR time with who they wish.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:06 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Checking a partner's text is not something I would be comfortable doing, whether I had permission or not.

While calling someone your person does not necessarily have to be an ownership thing, it would be good to examine that. At the very least there is some initial insecurity going on there. Not to worry though. That is normal and can be worked through, but you have to do the work. I firmly believe self examination and introspection are key to being a good, healthy partner
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:00 PM
Wineman77 Wineman77 is offline
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Absolutely. This is all very new. So many thoughts and emotions popping up. Not all negative. But it's been a lot to rationalize.

And I'd never check her texts. And she's not even there yet. Nothing had gone past a first date. But it's just crap in my own mind.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:28 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Wineman77,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to be experiencing some insecurity, possibly some jealousy. I have links that could help you.
Explore your feelings and figure out exactly what you think and feel when some guy texts hearts and "I miss you" to your person. How does that make you feel? What kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

Hopefully Polyamory.com helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 02-23-2019, 04:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wineman77 View Post
"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.
I have always ID'd as poly, but my husband, while appreciating the concept and intellectually agreeing, had a hard time with the idea of me with another male partner. Everyone's brains work differently but the turning point, the epiphany, for him was when he experience a situation that could have ended very badly (serious injury or death) - it didn't (Thank fuck!).

This got him contemplating life in a serious way, how fragile it is, etc. If something ever happened to him, he would want me to go on living, to have someone to love me and comfort me, to care for me. So that line of thinking took him to the idea of "Why wait?" - if life is fragile and insecure, why not take advantage of the opportunities that we find for love and comfort in this world for whatever span we are in it? If, goddess forbid, something were to happen to him, I could have someone right there, to comfort me and love me through the pain and the loss. If, goddess willing, we grow old together for decades to come, then how much fuller of a life could we live with MORE LOVE to enjoy in it!

Not saying that the Journey from that point was without difficulty - we all had much to learn and room to grow. But, ultimately, the bottom line is that we want happiness for the people that we care about (which includes ourselves!)...so, in the end, for us: More Love is More Better!

JaneQ

(PS. Longer version of this and how it came to be in my Journey blog here.)
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (27+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (9+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #9  
Old 03-09-2019, 05:01 PM
Wineman77 Wineman77 is offline
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I guess all the prepping in your head and reading and listening to podcasts can only do so much. It's all fine in theory. I knew she had a second date with a guy on Thursday night. Friday morning I swing by for an early visit on my way to work as I usually do. Laying in her bed, kissing, she stops me and tells me she slept with him. Less then six hours before, on the same sheets I'm laying on naked (I'm a bit weird when I comes to germs, I don't even like to shake hands). So many thoughts running through my head. I almost got up and left. I didn't. We made love. But now my mind is everywhere. From wanting to hurt her. To wanting to walk away. To just dealing with it because I love her, to the disgusting thought that there's no way she had time to clean the blanket and change the sheets, yes, I know, thats just my mental sickness. Supposed to see her tonight for a concert. I don't want to look at her. I feel I need a break. A few weeks to breathe and not have to think about it.
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  #10  
Old 03-10-2019, 02:35 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Wineman,

It is actually okay to take a break for a few weeks, and it is okay to ask her to change the sheets before you come over. These are things you need in order for you to feel more comfortable. Ask her for them.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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