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Old 02-16-2019, 06:23 PM
Pingu Pingu is offline
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Smile Please to Meet You, Hope you Guess My Name...

...alright, that is from "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. I can't take credit for it!

Hi all, I am a new member of this forum, and a poly for about one year now. Well, the thing is that my wife discovered that she needed more than one relationship to feel completed in life, so we decided to became a poly couple. She has two boyfriends, and I am struggling with accepting it as a normal thing. I felt better when, by reading posts in this forum, I understood I am not the only one with this kind of feelings! Thank you for your help!

I have decided to join this forum because I finally took the courage to live a poly life in the best way possible by understanding how to copy with my wife's relationships and how to deal with my son without make him uncomfortable.

I hope to meet people in this forum that can understand my situation and guide a "newby" to the poly lifestyle. I am also looking to meet poly female in my area (CT shore) to share our story and, possibly, create a relationship.
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Old 02-16-2019, 10:11 PM
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Greetings Pingu,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Love your thread title, sounds like the forum has been helpful to you so far, that's good to hear. I'm sure you will meet people here who can understand your situation and guide you. Don't hesitate to post any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:23 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pingu View Post

I have decided to join this forum because I finally took the courage to live a poly life in the best way possible by understanding how to copy with my wife's relationships and how to deal with my son without make him uncomfortable.
How old is he?

We have two. They knew by about age 6 and 5, maybe earlier although it would not have made much sense to them. By that time though one of them had said it was cheating on mom and the other didn't care. The one who thought it was cheating - mom and dad talked to him together about it, just once was all it took.

They think sex is "icky" at their age so it is a big joke just to say why Daddy goes to see his mistress. Same with Mom and Dad having sex, it's funny to them.

But they don't interact with anyone except their mom and me.
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Old 02-17-2019, 01:30 PM
Pingu Pingu is offline
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My son has just turned 7. I totally agree with you, at this age they still do not see sex as we adults do, for them, and boys especially, is all about laughs and jokes.

He is realizing that there are days when only one of his parents are home at night, or weekends are a little different that other families where parents are ALWAYS together...We have not introduced him to this concept yet because we do not think it is mature enough to understand. Probably, the truth is we do not want him to tell his grandparents or friends what is happening in his family. I feel it is like living a secret life, like we are doing some terrible things just because society is not ready to accept this lifestyle yet.
Maybe, I feel like this just because I am relatively new to poly, but this is the main reason I do not want to involve my son just yet. Does it make sense?
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:15 PM
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Poly with kids can be a tough nut to crack. You either have to be out to everyone, or you have to ask your kids to keep it a secret. Or keep it a secret from your kids which is not always possible. Kids have a way of picking up on things.

The best route you can go with your son, probably, is to not make a big deal out of your poly. If it's not a big deal to you, it probably won't be a big deal to him either.
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Old 02-17-2019, 09:51 PM
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I am trying very hard not to make it a big deal, and it has been working for now. I also think the moment to have a conversation with my son is coming up quickly. Can't wait for it...not really, but it is part of being a parent.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:33 AM
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Hi Pingu - and welcome to the Forum! I can really relate to your story as my wife asked me to open our relationship a couple of years ago so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. Ultimately I agreed - and we are both full on poly at this point. But, it was a process - as we were in a strong mono marriage when we began this journey with no prior discussion of opening the marriage at all. (Full story is signature link below).

You are a year into this so hopefully the worst part (sometimes referred to as "poly hell") is behind you. I do commend you for joining this forum in which you can share your thoughts and questions. This forum is quite active with a good number of experienced poly folks who are generally helpful and friendly. I found that learning about poly through this forum, books, web articles, and podcasts (check out polyweekly.com and multiamory.com) was very helpful in coming to terms with the thought of opening our relationship, and especially with my wife being with someone else.

The real turning point - where I went from tolerance to identification as poly - was when I began a poly relationship of my own. You didn't mention if you have any other partners. I'm sure you must have given this some thought - and while easier said than done, I would encourage you to keep an open mind on the subject.

And we have a young daughter who knows my wife's partner quite well. She thinks he's great as she does all of our other adult friends. At this point, that's all she needs to know - one of Mom and Dad's friends.

Best of luck on your journey! Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Jill: local fwb to Al99, heterosexual female, early 50's.
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
Mike: Becky's local fwb, heterosexual male, early 50's.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:47 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pingu View Post
My son has just turned 7. I totally agree with you, at this age they still do not see sex as we adults do, for them, and boys especially, is all about laughs and jokes.

He is realizing that there are days when only one of his parents are home at night, or weekends are a little different that other families where parents are ALWAYS together...We have not introduced him to this concept yet because we do not think it is mature enough to understand. Probably, the truth is we do not want him to tell his grandparents or friends what is happening in his family. I feel it is like living a secret life, like we are doing some terrible things just because society is not ready to accept this lifestyle yet.
Maybe, I feel like this just because I am relatively new to poly, but this is the main reason I do not want to involve my son just yet. Does it make sense?
We couldn't care less what anyone thinks in the immediate family.

For diplomatic reasons, we don't talk about it with my Mom. The instant she found out my wife was in charge of the whole thing, she kept saying "I don't want to know... I don't want to know"... lol.

She had seen an email I wrote my brother, matter-of-factly describing living with the Mistress. Mom thought she would confront me with it, and I burst out laughing so hard I could hardly say "talk to my wife about it".

Because it really was so hilarious, her tone, thinking she was gonna bust me on something.

My wife informed her family. Just matter-of-factly but in an off-hand way in order to demonstrate no concern over it. Husband doing something with girlfriend.

My wife's older sister is the only one who questioned it, which was so ironic given she is the one with the least amount of character in the family. The least trustworthy.

There is no reason to put it in anyone's face. We are discreet but honest.

What kids are going to have trouble with is drama. We do not do drama. That gets a girlfriend or mistress the door, straight away. Because drama is going to affect the kids in a negative way. They are kicking ass, years ahead of their peers, because we are education zealots.

The kids would come to me, to us, to tell us if they felt bad about the situation. But they tell us how much they love their lives.
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Old 02-19-2019, 05:47 PM
Pingu Pingu is offline
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Yeah, I would not tell my mom either... I admire you to be honest with your family and friends. We are still in a galaxy far far away when it comes to tell other people. Only very few closed friends know about it so far.

To answer Al, I had a couple of dates with a girl, but it didn't go anywhere. The problem to me is finding a person accepting the poly lifestyle. I cannot find a girl that accept this idea of this kind of relationship. Maybe, it is because I live in an area far from big cities. NYC and Boston are the closest big cities to me, but they are about 3 hours away.

I am happy to have these conversations with people sharing and understanding what I am going through.
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Old 02-19-2019, 09:20 PM
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Have you tried OKCupid? It might give you a better chance of finding a person who accepts the poly lifestyle.
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