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Old 12-30-2018, 10:27 PM
PolyPriest PolyPriest is offline
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Greetings, all

I'm new here and fairly new to poly. I'm married and have a girlfriend of about 7 months. (Wife and gf love each other.) I'm almost a pastor of a small independent Catholic church in a southern state, so I'm interested in and developing a theology that explains how polyamory and spirituality fit together. So I'm interested in conversations around faith and poly, especially, as well as how poly works for you.

As I've been reading intensely about poly over the past few months, I've found in interesting how a lot of poly folks seem to be almost like swingers, but with closer, more romantic relationships. It appears that there's an interest (goal?) of meeting more and more partners. I'd like to understand that.

That's not me. I'm a married guy with a girlfriend, but, at least right now, I have no interest in dating others. I realize that may be NRE speaking, but for now, I have two women who love me and who almost keep me busier that I can manage, so I don't know why I would want more. So I'm still exploring the poly community and figuring out how I fit in or don't.
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Old 12-31-2018, 04:33 AM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Hi Polypriest - and welcome to the Forum! We will look forward to hearing more of your story as it evolves, and I personally find your study of Christian theology and polyamory to be fascinating - as I have looked into this a bit myself. Please do not hesitate to post any specific thoughts and questions that you might have - we have have a number of experienced poly folks here who are generally friendly and helpful.

If you haven't already, you might peruse the the "Spirituality & Poly" section of our forum. I wrote an article sometime back on "Poly Friendly Churches" that you might find helpful at this link:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=93095

Although the U-U folks are not technically Christian, they have a similar format in some ways - you might find this link helpful:

https://www.uua.org/offices/organiza...mory-awareness

Also, the Christian Metropolitan Community Church (or MCC - founded to serve the LBGTQ community) has publicly endorsed polyamory in a written statement (written as a counter response to the Evangelical Fundamentalist Nashville Statement on Marriage and Family). You might want to arrange to talk to some of their clergy about this. Here is a link to their main web site:

https://www.mccchurch.org/

And a link to their response statement:

https://www.mccchurch.org/an-mcc-res...lle-statement/

Please do post any thoughts, discussion points, or conclusions as you work on this idea. There are at least a a few of us here that would find them of interest. (I personally identify as "Christian-Gnostic", of a Platonic de-mytholigized variety)

Quote:
As I've been reading intensely about poly over the past few months, I've found in interesting how a lot of poly folks seem to be almost like swingers, but with closer, more romantic relationships. It appears that there's an interest (goal?) of meeting more and more partners. I'd like to understand that.

That's not me. I'm a married guy with a girlfriend, but, at least right now, I have no interest in dating others. I realize that may be NRE speaking, but for now, I have two women who love me and who almost keep me busier that I can manage, so I don't know why I would want more. So I'm still exploring the poly community and figuring out how I fit in or don't.
While the most common public perception of polyamory seems to be that of a married couple adding a girlfriend (as well as being the first idea that seems to spring to mind for the married couple considering opening their marriage), in practice this a relatively rare polyamorous configuration. While it seems at first blush to be a very logical arrangement, in reality the number of women who are willing to assume this role on an ongoing basis (not just for an occasional sexual arrangement) is so miniscule, that they are referred to as "unicorns"(that is so rare as to be virtually mythical). There are also ethical considerations that quickly come to light once the situation is looked at more closely. A very thoughtful and well written article on this subject is located here:

https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html


Of course, that does not mean an FMF V or Triad never works, it it just rare that it works successfully on any type of long term basis. In actual practice, discussions here indicate that MFM V's are more stable on a long terms basis. However, the most common poly configuration for married couples experienced in polyamory is one in which they both date other partners independently - but, of course, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved, that being the defining characteristic of poly.

And, I don't mean to imply that this scenario specifically applies to you. You did not mention that your girlfriend was "added to your marriage" or that she was "dating you both as a couple" (a situation that many newly open couples seem to seek). Still, you may find the referenced article helpful as it is very insightful. Also, since you have a girlfriend, is your wife interested in having a boyfriend? If she is now or perhaps later, would you object to that? (This potential obvious hypocrisy is disdainfully referred to as the "one penis policy" or OPP in the poly community).

It is probably not accurate to say that most experienced poly folks are always looking for more and more partners. At any time, a poly person may have all the relationships that can successfully manage simultaneously. As it often said in poly circles, love may be infinite, but time, energy, and money are not.

However, if a poly person has - for example, a primary partner (such as a spouse), and another partner that they see perhaps once a week, and they happen to meet someone new and a relationship seems possible, they might add that relationship as well. And, at least theoretically, that would not be a problem for any of those involved (assuming that logistics and pragmatics were not an issue).

Hope this helps. Here's a list of some poly websites that you might find helpful in your research:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

Best of luck on your journey!

Al
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Last edited by Al99; 12-31-2018 at 01:48 PM.
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  #3  
Old 12-31-2018, 06:26 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyPriest View Post
...a lot of poly folks seem to be almost like swingers, but with closer, more romantic relationships. It appears that there's an interest (goal?) of meeting more and more partners. ...
At some point you hit poly-saturation - where there isn't enough time or energy to handle any more relationships. On the other hand, perhaps you are conflating "dating" and "partnership" - one may date a number of people before they find a partner!
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SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
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Old 12-31-2018, 02:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome, Polypriest. Independent Catholic seems to be an oxymoron... since catholic means universal, and independent is almost the opposite of that. I'd be interested to learn more, since I really enjoy learning about religions.

I am (female) poly, and bi or pansexual. I have a live-in long term female partner, and she has a bf she sees 2 or 3 times a week. I don't currently have a bf I see that often. My current male partner is only available about every other week. I prefer only 2 partners but I'm still seeking another bf since male companionship only twice a month isn't nearly enough.

However, I don't like spreading myself too thin... having too many partners is exhausting and confusing. I'd suspect the "polyamorous" people you may have met or read about are really NRE addicts? Most of us seek a deeper connection with fewer partners.
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Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
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  #5  
Old 12-31-2018, 04:34 PM
PolyPriest PolyPriest is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al99 View Post

And, I don't mean to imply that this scenario specifically applies to you. You did not mention that your girlfriend was "added to your marriage" or that she was "dating you both as a couple" (a situation that many newly open couples seem to seek). Still, you may find the referenced article helpful as it is very insightful. Also, since you have a girlfriend, is your wife interested in having a boyfriend? If she is now or perhaps later, would you object to that? (This potential obvious hypocrisy is disdainfully referred to as the "one penis policy" or OPP in the poly community).

It is probably not accurate to say that most experienced poly folks are always looking for more and more partners. At any time, a poly person may have all the relationships that can successfully manage simultaneously. As it often said in poly circles, love may be infinite, but time, energy, and money are not.
Thanks for the thoughtful response and welcome. My GF is someone we had known for about a year and she and I ended up having some intense conversation and a sexual encounter which morphed quickly into a relationship. She has a good friendship with my wife and is at our home frequently, including a couple of overnights a week. We've traveled together, the three of us went to the movies last night and will be together for New Year's Eve tonight. Our grown(ish) kids know her and see her cuddled up with us and spending the night. It's a good experience so far.

As far as my wife having a boyfriend, she's exploring a relationship with a guy she's known since college and has long carried a torch for her. They hooked up at a class reunion a couple of months ago and have been steadily talking since. I'm fine with that - I'm pleased that she's getting and enjoying some attention.

I'm rambling a little, but the "looking for more and more partners" comment was because I've observed the seemingly prevalent interest in dating. I'm not particularly interested in that. I wasn't looking to date when my girlfriend and I got together. I know that during the days when I was single, I enjoyed meeting and dating new people. And when we were swinging, meeting new couples was always fun. But while recreational sex was a fun pasttime, I'm more into the relationships I have and not what was (for me) the "sport" of always looking for the next one.
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Old 12-31-2018, 04:48 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPriest View Post
...the "looking for more and more partners" comment was because I've observed the seemingly prevalent interest in dating. I'm not particularly interested in that. I wasn't looking to date when my girlfriend and I got together. I know that during the days when I was single, I enjoyed meeting and dating new people. And when we were swinging, meeting new couples was always fun. But while recreational sex was a fun pastime, I'm more into the relationships I have and not what was (for me) the "sport" of always looking for the next one.
Where have you observed actual polyamorists who are "always looking for the next one for recreational sex"? That doesn't sound like polyamory to me.

Of course, one can be an actual polyamorist, enjoy our long term deep relationships with established partners, and still be open to less committed, more sex based, relationships. But they are 2 different interests some people have. You can be poly, and ALSO into random sex, or hot wifing, or cuckolding, or kinks in the BDSM realm, or swinging.
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Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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Old 12-31-2018, 04:48 PM
PolyPriest PolyPriest is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Welcome, Polypriest. Independent Catholic seems to be an oxymoron... since catholic means universal, and independent is almost the opposite of that. I'd be interested to learn more, since I really enjoy learning about religions.
It is an oxymoron and a phrase I don't like, but it is the predominant phrase for the many small Catholic churches who are not in communion with Rome. I sometimes say "Non-Roman Catholic" instead. Google "independent Catholic" or "independent sacramental movement" and you'll find lots of us out here! We are in relationship with other congregations, just not subject to the authority of Rome. Our structure is not monarchical but more horizontal.

My wife and I have been married almost 15 years. As I mentioned earlier, my girlfriend and I have been together only about 7 months. I know that it is likely not to last forever because of our significant age difference, but it feels pretty solid for now. It's not a live-in situation yet, but she is moving next month to be much closer to us. If we're all still happy with things in another year, maybe we'll consider combining households.
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Old 12-31-2018, 06:42 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings PolyPriest,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in an MFM V, none of the three of us are looking for any new people to date. You can read more about my situation in my blog if you want. I would say it is unusual for a poly person to want more and more partners, two or three partners total seems to be about average for most polys, four partners is possible but unusual. At least that's my perspective.

Definitely check out our Spirituality & Polyamory board, for more info on how polyamory relates to spirituality and religion. It is refreshing to hear of someone such as yourself, who is involved in religion yet is also a practicing poly. I hope we can discuss that topic with you, and answer any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 12-31-2018, 09:33 PM
PolyPriest PolyPriest is offline
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Where have you observed actual polyamorists who are "always looking for the next one for recreational sex"? That doesn't sound like polyamory to me.
That wasn't a quote from me, if you'll review. I was commenting that the recreational sex was fun for me when we were swinging. And *I* was often looking for the next opportunity. That's not what I'm interested in now.

What I have heard on poly podcasts is people talking about having had "several first dates this month" -- I've also read commentary about what one should have on an OKCupid or Tinder profile. That's actively looking. Just saying that I'm not looking for more first dates or partners. If I happen to meet someone, I'm always open to how I can develop new friendships and then if something happens, I'll work with it. But for now, my plate is plenty full. I'd have been fine with only my wife, but my girlfriend just grabbed my attention and here we are. :-)
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Old 12-31-2018, 09:37 PM
PolyPriest PolyPriest is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Greetings PolyPriest,
Definitely check out our Spirituality & Polyamory board, for more info on how polyamory relates to spirituality and religion. It is refreshing to hear of someone such as yourself, who is involved in religion yet is also a practicing poly. I hope we can discuss that topic with you, and answer any questions you may have.
I'll check it out, and your blog as well. I'll be happy to discuss things with anyone. I've been active as a pastor and theologian (PhD) for some time -- I'm 58 -- so definitely have some thoughts on these things.
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