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Old 08-12-2012, 01:51 AM
Naomi Naomi is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 13
Default Still pretty new to poly, living in a triad, please help! :)

Oh me oh my. I'm not really sure where to start.

My fiance and I have been together over four years. For most of those four years we've been in an open relationship, and since January we've been poly (i.e. open to romantic/emotional relationships with other people, not just sexual). I always felt that our openness brought us closer together, but since we decided to be poly, we've had a lot of fights and painful moments.

Until recently, I've had very little (nearly no) experience being the inactive partner. It's always been me out and having the fun - sometimes with him, often times without. We've always been able to talk through things and make sure we were both happy with everything that was going on.

Within the last few months, my fiance has been pursuing a romantic and sexual relationship with a mutual close friend of ours. I've never had a super easy time with him pursuing her, but I've always said it was okay. She's a close friend of mine, and I trust her, and know she cares about me... so that has made it easier. I'd prefer my fiance to be with someone who fits in with our life/lifestyle and whom I know and trust as well. I don't feel as if she's trying to "steal" him from me (although I know that's a poor way of looking at it anyhow, since people aren't objects to be stolen). I trust them both.

In any event, one of our room mates moved out recently (this has been planned all along), and before really anything beyond friendship was happening between my fiance and this woman, we had invited her to move in. She'd been a close friend and was around all the time anyway, so it made the most sense. I prefer to live with people I know and love and am comfortable being around all the time. Furthermore, I thought it would be nice to have another female around!

In addition to my fiance's involvement with her (which, btw, at this point has been sex twice and a handful of dates), her and I have become involved as well. I really like her, really enjoy her company, we have a lot of things in common, and I'm sexually attracted to her as well.

Basically, the three of us are slowly attempting to have a triad relationship.

She's been living here almost two weeks now and I have to admit, it's been one of the hardest two weeks of my entire life.

Sometimes it's great... I've enjoyed having her around and spending one on one time with her... it's super exciting to get closer and kiss her and wonder where this relationship will go. In addition, I often have a lot of fun hanging out with both my fiance and her. The three of us have spent many nights cuddling, watching movies, and being affectionate with each other. It's clear we all care about each other a lot and enjoy each other's company.

BUT I seem to have a very big problem with the two of them having a relationship. As soon as I'm out of the house and I know the two of them will be alone, I freak out. I'm basically a total bitch to my fiance. I know he doesn't deserve it... He's been nothing but patient and understanding... but it's just like I get in these moods and have these intense outbursts and I don't know how to handle it.

I don't want to seem dramatic, but I've definitely had some really, really depressed moments where I've even gone so far as to have suicidal thoughts.

Is this really right for me if I feel this way sometimes?

I feel so ill-equipped to deal with this. I'm inexperienced at being the inactive partner, and suddenly I'm living in a triad relationship.

But, there are SO many positives to this situation, and I really feel like the three of us could have something wonderful together.

I'm just not sure why exactly I have those really down moments, and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't want to continue feeling that way... At this point, I'd say over the last two weeks, I've felt that way at least a third of the time. That may not seem like a lot, but it's killing me slowly. It's killing the both of them too... They've been super understanding, but I think their patience only goes so far. My fiance sat me down last night and told me he just can't handle me treating him poorly anymore. I don't blame him at all. I'm just so confused about these feelings... where they are coming from... and what to do about them.

I don't seem to have a problem being poly myself, I just seem to have a problem with my fiance being poly. I think it's a matter of a fear of abandonment. I'm so worried he's gonna leave me or that things are going to change drastically between us. I keep translating him being closer to her into him being farther from me. I suppose in certain ways that's true?

I've been wondering if I should put some boundaries/rules in place. But I'm just not sure what... In addition, I am kind of against that idea anyway. I don't want to feel like I'm policing or restricting their relationship at all. I know that I personally do best without rules, boundaries, or limitations... And my fiance certainly hasn't put any rules in place with regards to me being with her. I'm also certain that if I were becoming involved with my other male room mate like I've wanted to (that's a whole 'nother story), my fiance wouldn't put any restrictions on me. Both my fiance and this woman have said ideally they'd prefer no restrictions. They've both promised to take things slow... and they have been. In addition, they both pointed out I'd trust them that much more if they go slow even when I've given them free-reign to do whatever they desire.

There is also this huge part of me that resents them both... I've been super open with how hard this is for me and a big part of me just keeps resenting them for not stopping when they know it's causing me a lot of pain. I know that's childish though. Especially because they really have been taking it slow... But I can't deny that I have the feeling. I know this isn't something they are doing to me, but sometimes I just can't help feeling that way. I feel like I wouldn't be experiencing as much stress as I am right now if they just wouldn't become romantically and sexually involved! ... Although I guess whatever the problem is for me would surface eventually anyway... even if I weren't dealing with this.


Sometimes I'm just not sure this is what I want. But I don't like the idea of not being with her (or my fiance for that matter, because he's made it clear he wants to be poly).

Btw, this whole situation is even MORE complicated due to the fact that we have a fourth room mate, and I have some very deep feelings for him, but I cannot be with him because he is not interested in poly (he has admitted to feelings for me, he has been one of my best friends for two years, and him and I have been fwb in the past, for about a year and a half). Add the fact that all my outside relationships/sexual encounters in the last year have only lead to disappointment and heartbreak and I think it makes a recipe for low self esteem and general shakiness with the whole poly idea. Which isn't helping me deal with all these intense feelings!

I'd love to hear some experiences with any sort of similar situation. I just don't really have anyone else in my life to talk to about this. None of my friends have ever been in a situation like this, and neither has my fiance or our (potential) girlfriend. In addition, everywhere I look tells me I should be freaking out because my man is falling for someone else. I really need to be around/hear from some poly positive people. I need to know this is normal, I can do this, and this can turn out okay... no... great, even!

Thanks for reading and thanks for any and all comments.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:20 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Time to breathe........... follow my lead........ your attention seems to be somewhere "way out there". Bring your attention back to yourself. Keep breathing.......... bring your attention back to your center and feel whatever it is your feeling. We all tend to stop breathing when we get scared. That stopped breath can send us "out there". Being "out there" intensifies the fear. Breathing calms it down, making thinking easier. Focus on breathing, so you stay centered.

Keep doing this until you feel more relaxed. Now, look within yourself. Look at your entire life up to this moment - everything you've experienced. What are you REALLY afraid of? What fear is this relationship situation bringing to the surface?

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-12-2012 at 03:31 AM.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:48 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,136

Do you have a framework of how to be in right relationship to each other? For conflict resolution?

Check out this thread -- it's also about having trouble with the dyad in the triad that is the tier of "YOU + (BF + GF)" and coping with their couple end of the triad trying to develop on its own tier.

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