Am I a...?

No, you are not misunderstanding. If a triad is to work then each relationship has to develop. Otherwise the person coming in will always feel like an outsider. How are you supposed to feel when they say 'us' as in the two of them? In reality, I would rather have 'us' mean all three of us.

In my triad I make a conscious effort to say 'I' instead of 'we' when talking to my girlfriend. This actually has an impact on our thinking patterns since in this way I'm standing with her unconditionally. I don't need my husband to love her for me to love her. He doesn't need me to love her for he to love her. We all need to love each other individually in order to love together as three people.

I find the language for these concepts lacking. Whenever I write this stuff out I feel like I sound like an idiot. But, I will keep trying because apparently functional triads are unusual and anyone in a triad needs support.

It sounds like the couple you were involved with wasn't ready for this. I've learned that the couple has to be open to changing their relationship in order to form a triad. You can't just 'add another person' and expect your original couple dynamics to stay the same. Being in a triad forces us to keep changing, keep evolving the way we love each other. I'm very happy for it but it can be terribly frightening at times.

Good luck on your journey.
 
Side note:
As I am the first newcomer into their longterm relationship... What do you think the odds are that even they don't know it's unrealistic?? Innocent ignorance? I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't compulsive about educating myself about everything.

I think in many cases, it really is 'newbie' ignorance on a couple`s part. I don`t think most couples mean to put a third person in such a position. They simply haven`t taken the time to realize the predicament they put someone in. They are simply thinking about protecting their own relationship with each other.

If intentions are honest for a relationship and not a fwb scenario, then usually some time to think, will enable people to find some common goals, all three people can work towards.

Hang in there.
 
Sorry to hear about this. I am glad you spoke with them early on though to clarify what was possible with them. I know it hurts if this is it, but I'm sure it's worlds better than being involved with them for awhile, having one of them decide it's not working out, then losing both of them because they are "one entity".

*hug*
 
I think in many cases, it really is 'newbie' ignorance on a couple`s part. I don`t think most couples mean to put a third person in such a position. They simply haven`t taken the time to realize the predicament they put someone in. They are simply thinking about protecting their own relationship with each other.

If intentions are honest for a relationship and not a fwb scenario, then usually some time to think, will enable people to find some common goals, all three people can work towards.

Hang in there.

They are an entity, or so they think. Even among my FRIENDS, I hate it when couples are attached at the hip. Be yourself for goodness sakes. I told them so, that's why I got shut out. Start out as you plan to go, wherever that leads me. When I was married, total mono, he had female friends, my BESt friend was a guy. There was never infidelity... On my part... And I didn't know about his for years. Thanks for the support and the Uber wise words, friends.
 
Nancy, if you want a good laugh, or to send them something they will *totally* not appreciate, go to youtube and search for "smbc blind date." :)
 
I think you are way ahead of the game to be able to recognize how unrealistic their approach was and to decline to continue. You are likely right, they don't know what they are doing and it very likely would end in disaster. Hopefully they will educate themselves.
We are new to poly ourselves and are trying to learn as much as we can by reading forums and stories and meeting people who successfully live a love-full life.
At least you will know what to watch out for in future dating. Half the battle seems to be in clearly knowing/understanding what you want...the other half is connecting with others who do to and having it all mesh in a healthy way.
Best of luck to you.
 
She replied... Oh it's good.

So she texted me... After I inquired as to why she thought it was okay to just leave someone hanging like that. I would normally not do this, but I'm freaking sharing this. (this is from someone in a MF relationship looking for another bi female to join a triad)... This is why you polys get a bad name, but I set her straight for ya!

Her:
okay well I have been thinking for a day now sorry I didn't reply last night... I love my (him) there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him or with him and asking us to be two different people, when we are ONE bringing in someone new to be with and it is something we have decided together. I don't think it's fair that you want to get to know us apart from each other, it feels like you are trying to date us separately when you knew going into this that youdont get one or the other you get both together and if you don't want us how we are and how we come together than you really don't want either cause this is what we both want. Don't get me wrong we both really like you but if it won't work with all three of us, then it won't work developing anything deeper than sex.

Whew!

My reply:
It's not fair to develop relationships with both? Is that a joke? So you and him get your own thing, and I get all or none. Nice. Kindly, you have a lot to learn about the relationship you seek. Nobody wants to be a puppet of two except a sub. There is not one relationship, there are four. If you are not willing to allow your relationship to change and evolve, then you cannot in good conscience pursue a poly relationship. It can't happen, it won't work. I hate secrets, but I don't want every word and sentiment I feel forwarded. Bringing someone into your relationship demands that you offer that person the same things YOU need, including the opportunity to bond individually. It includes allowing that person the chance to love.



Not shockingly, no reply. Discuss amongst yourselves. CNt wait to read responses...
 
And for the record bc I'm a spiteful biatch today, there was no "you kne this coming in..." I was told, do what you want and see where your feelings go, and he first time there was sex it was ONlY me and her, and he was freaking at work!
 
Well it sure sucks that you were supposed to KNOW what you were getting into and that they are a melded dysfunctional being. Ironically, I think the BIGGEST pro of poly for me at least, is that it helps get rid of that co-dependent BS that couples end up with when they can't tell where they end and their partner begins (or are even aware that there is a difference). I like knowing I'm an individual, and that what my SO and I want varies, that our hobbies, tastes, sexual desires and personalities don't all match, don't have to and that makes us a better couple instead of a worse one.

"if you don't want us how we are and how we come together than you really don't want either cause this is what we both want."

Heh...ya, you don't want either of them then cause that makes sense. That makes my head hurt.

Yay learning experience?
 
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Awesome. Just awesome.

So glad you set her straight! It sounds like she is a little freaky..."we are one" what? did they get surgery to accomplish that? Brings me back to my Star Trek days, the Borg, right? Creepy. Good job dodging that bullet.:eek:
 
Yeah... Creepy. I'm so about individualism that I just want to make a sign and protest in the streets. Codependency... Scary shit! Not for me, tyvm. I the past four years, I have gotten engaged, married, had a baby, got a college degree, watched my infant beat liver cancer, and my husband cheat on me... And it sort of feels like I'm the one who should be crazy codependent!! No. Yes, lovely learning experience. At least I had the good sense to share the experience (knowledge of it) with a friend who made me laugh and laugh and laugh...
 
I'd say you dodged a bullet on this one. Run away, run very far away!!!!!

Hang in there. :)

JG
 
I certainly wouldn't blame you if you just walked away from her/them completely. But, IF you think there's a chance they could come around, or be open to growing/learning, suggest that they read this: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolydatingcouple.html

The xeromag essays are pretty much universally respected by people with actual, real life poly experience and one of the first things in there is that you should be suspicious of couples who say things like she's saying. Maybe reading that will give her some perspective.

Ugh. Sometimes reading stories on this site just makes me so depressed. So many people just can't seem to put themselves in someone else's shoes. I mean, has she *really* tried to think how she'd feel in your position???

Like everyone else has said... you should be very proud for not falling for the crap they were trying to push.
 
Let me just quote here:

"- Be very skeptical of couples who say things like"Weonly want someonewho will date both of us" or "We expect someone to have the same feelings for both of us." It's generally neither reasonable nor possible to expect relationships with two different people to develop at the same rate and in the same way; there are many people who try to makethis happen, but it very rarely works. This combines two of the most common poly mistakes--trying to force relationships to fit a predefined shape, and expecting different relationships to develop the same way--into one.

Worse, some couples try to use this as a way to avoid dealing with jealousy or insecurity, naively believing that if both members of the couple are dating the same person, then nobody will feel "left out," and therefore nobody will feel jealous. In reality, it doesn't work that way; jealousy, like all emotional responses, is rarely rational, and does not often give way to rational thoughts like "Well, I'm having sex with her too, so I shouldn't feel jealous if he has sex with her!"

- Don't assume that it's necessary to develop a relationship with both people in a couple in exactly the same way; relationshipsgrow on their own, and no two relationships are ever the same anyway. Doing this may impose unrealistic expectations on you; even if you were to date identical twins, it would be reasonable to expect each relationship to develop differently! Remember, you may be dating a couple, but each person in that couple is still an individual."
 
Awesome. Just awesome.

So glad you set her straight! It sounds like she is a little freaky..."we are one" what? did they get surgery to accomplish that? Brings me back to my Star Trek days, the Borg, right? Creepy. Good job dodging that bullet.:eek:

Damn, someone beat me to the Borg reference ... fine. I'll go with Life of Brian.

Crowd, in unison: We are all individuals ...
Brian: Fuck off.
Crowd: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
 
Ugh. Sometimes reading stories on this site just makes me so depressed. So many people just can't seem to put themselves in someone else's shoes. I mean, has she *really* tried to think how she'd feel in your position???

Like everyone else has said... you should be very proud for not falling for the crap they were trying to push.


This is the KEY factor in my definitive decision to walk away. I deleted their numbers so I won't be tempted in a weak moment. Neither will imagine it from my shoes. and that's no basis for any friendship. I said more than once that I had no interest in taking away from their relationship,only adding to it, and developing My own. Boo ignorance. Boo being someone's experiment. Oh well, at least they were my experiment too. And I learned that I love boobies. Win.
 
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