Am I a...?

DancingNancy

New member
I can't even say the word, but after reading up on the interwebbie... It's what I am. Spare me, the word is freaking me out.

A newly divorced twenty something being invited not an established MF relationship. I don't feel it is predatory, because I am the first in the four year relationship, (and by predatory: I mean they would seek me out to be their sex toy/ helper). I feel it os quite genuine and loving and open. She, well they, have always wanted a third bi woman in the mix. Yay me.

However, when I expressed my need to be with them individually also, and to have one on one time to develop those relationships, I was told that "there is no me and him, only us."

I feel hurt, but honestly so. Honest with myself about what I want and need. I'm about to tell her that's now how I draw my own picture: with four relationships, his and hers, mine and hers, mine and his, and all three together. I'm struggling to make the words. I have overcome too much in this life to back down from what I truly want, and if I'm not honest about that now, Then what's the freaking point? Will me to get the words!!!
 
Stick to your guns and walk away if they cannot give you what you want. From what I've read and seen, when a couple refuses to let individual relationships develop and see it ONLY as "us plus one," it tends to head toward disaster. After all, you're not an appendage to their relationship, you're a human being who deserves relationships with other human beings, not bits and pieces of pre-approved interactions.
 
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I second nycindie. I've seen things go very bad when couples try to require an "us only" relationship. That flies in the face of reality. When there are three people, there will be three relationships...A and B, B and C, A and C. You will at some time find yourself without the third person. If you have no way to relate to each other individually...well, that's not a good way to approach relationships....

Hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself. You have to be your own advocate here.

JG
 
They say they share everything. All of my texts get forwarded to the other person. I have nothing to hide, but damn it feels weird. I'm talking to YOU, not him. Or vice versa. No secrets, but still... Can't we just talk? And be with each other? Without the other person being directly 100% involved? Or am I misunderstanding the whole concept here???
 
No, you're not misunderstanding. Unfortunately I'd say they are somewhat delusional...this just isn't the way people and relationships work long term. I'm fine with the no secrets part. But i's just not practical for all three of you to be together all the time. Things will be said to one person that are innocently forgotten and omitted when talked to the other. As I said, I've seen this before. It leads one of two things, from my observations : 1) accusations of lying because you can't remember absolutely everything you said to one person or the other or 2) the couple figures out that you can't keep this kind of thing up as time moves along and they give it up.

I wish you luck, DN. Relationships are never easy. :)

JG
 
Are you a single horned mystical equine? It sounds like it.
 
And thanks for the support. It might be new, but I feel seriously enough about it to not take half of what I want. I said I have no interest in taking away from their relationship, only adding to it, but its so unrealistic to tell me that I can't have individual relationships. I'm not at all dissing what they want, but maybe it's not what I want. Better to say it I suppose. Yay honesty. I feel like this whole life exudes honesty and I love that.
 
Side note:
As I am the first newcomer into their longterm relationship... What do you think the odds are that even they don't know it's unrealistic?? Innocent ignorance? I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't compulsive about educating myself about everything.
 
She said she wanted to gather her thoughts and words and to give her just a minute. It's been over an hour and I am sad. I guess that's life. If I wasn't on so much damn celexa I might cry. Anxious. Sad. I hate waiting and wondering. Who doesn't...
 
. . . its so unrealistic to tell me that I can't have individual relationships.
Well, that's the biggest red flag right there, telling you whom you can or cannot have a relationship with. It does sound like they only want you for sex, and only on their terms. Either that, or one of them is probably very protective of the other and afraid. It seems like, relationship-wise, they are immature and/or insecure, and perhaps not really ready for poly. In fact, I don't even know why you're still considering getting involved. By the end of this thread, unless they've changed their position in this, if you've decided it's a "no go" it would seem quite a prudent decision. As it stands, what they want right now is sorta creepy.
 
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Well...keep on keepin' on, Nancy. All poly people aren't like this experience. :)
 
Side note:
As I am the first newcomer into their longterm relationship... What do you think the odds are that even they don't know it's unrealistic?? Innocent ignorance? I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't compulsive about educating myself about everything.

I would say you're probably right that they don't know how unrealistic they're being... and the previous posters are all 1,000% correct, they're being extremely, dangerously unrealistic. Stick to your guns on this one. If they're too afraid to let you get to know them one on one, then they're too afraid for this to work out. Group time is great, but a certain degree of intimacy ONLY happens one on one. Real, deep loving human relationships need that dynamic.

Tell them to read what we've all said here, tell them to read other related threads on this site, tell them to read xeromag or any other poly resource out there. If they aren't willing to treat you like an individual with whom they're each having a relationship, let them go. Tell them they can call you when they're ready to reconsider.
 
There is tons on here about "unicorns (there, I said it)," "secondaries," "lessons" and "foundations" too if you do a search in the tags...

They can request what they want I reckon, you just don't have to go along with it if it is not reasonable to do so. It is reasonable to ask for private conversations, to build relationships with each of them individually as well as together and it is reasonable to go about doing your own thing... if these things are an issue and they are unwilling to negotiate some boundaries in regards to them, then, ya, walk.... no one should be dictated to unless it is agreed upon.
 
Well, she never answered. It was a sleepless night of praying her cell got dropped in water, anything to explain the silence. But... I'm a big girl, and I think I know what silence means.
I can thank them for awakening a part of me dead for the better half of a decade. I can be thankful for the shove into a place where I'm oddly comfortable. Thanks to them for helping me realize what I am capable of... Maybe... Someday... Thanks to you all for showing me it can be a family.
 
Well, she never answered. It was a sleepless night of praying her cell got dropped in water, anything to explain the silence. But... I'm a big girl, and I think I know what silence means.

Um, that she's a twat? :p
 
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