Dating married people

sealace

New member
Hi, I'm new here. I've been with a man for 8 years, and we've been long distance for the last few months. We've been in an open relationship for the last 2.5 months. I've recently started going out with a married man and my feelings are starting to make me feel like I'm in over my head because of how strong they are. Don't really know what to do, losing sleep over it. Any advice from more seasoned folks?

Thanks!
 
Those awesome feelings are NRE. The best advice I've seen on here is to reinvest your NRE into your other relationship. It's helped me immensely.

Hope that's what you were looking for.
 
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Hi Sea, I think we need more information in order to give you more than the most generic advice. Flesh the situation out for us. Like, do you have any sort of friendship with the wife? Is your relationship with Mr. Married Man open to growing into something bigger or is it clear up front that your role in each other's lives is as secondary rather than primary partners? Stuff like that.
 
Have you tried doing a tag search on here for "nre?" That could warrant some information and support for how you are feeling. Other than that, more specifics could help.
 
Hi, for some clarity ~ is the married man you're seeing poly? In other words, does his spouse have full knowledge of and consents to his involvement with you?

Also, what is it about this relationship, exactly, that is making you lose sleep? Do you want to see him more often? Are you confused about your feelings? Do you feel like this relationship is conflicting or affecting your long-term (now long-distance) relationship unexpectedly? Is there some drama you have to deal with?

We just need a little more information to be helpful, is all.
 
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My secondary partner has expressed these concerns with me, and what I've told him is that if he wants more in the future with me and I stop making him happy, he needs to leave and find someone else that give him what he needs in a relationship. Of course, my marriage is polyamorous and completely open, and I don't know if that is the case with you?
 
Hi, for some clarity ~ is the married man you're seeing poly? In other words, does his spouse have full knowledge of and consents to his involvement with you?

Also, what is it about this relationship, exactly, that is making you lose sleep? Do you want to see him more often? Are you confused about your feelings? Do you feel like this relationship is conflicting or affecting your long-term (now long-distance) relationship unexpectedly? Is there some drama you have to deal with?

We just need a little more information to be helpful, is all.

Hey all, thanks for the responses. Here's more info. The man I am seeing is poly and his wife knows he is seeing me, though she and I have never met. She also sees people. They've been together 9 years, married the last 2, and poly since January. He is 29.

Why have I been losing sleep? I think because I can't stop thinking about him, and then I get concerned about how strong the feelings are since I am new to the "open" thing, and in the past such feelings might lead to a serious monogamous relationship. In this case, I am confused about where they can or will lead. I did go out with him last night and asked him what he was looking for in his poly relationships, and he said he'd rather see someone regularly then see many people all the time. That made me feel a little better, since I want to see him regularly. But I suppose then I worry I would become too attached and that he wouldn't be able to provide what I need since he's married.

About my primary relationship--because my boyfriend lives in another state I don't get the support of someone physically present, therefore I feel more available than I might if we were in the same place. And maybe also I am confused about the boundaries of what I am looking for, like, how about falling in love? This new guy is not affecting my relationship--it's the same, I think.

Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.
 
Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.

This is the risk we all take when we enter into relationships. You have to decide if you're willing to take the risk. :)

Hang in there. We'll be here for you to talk to you.

JG
 
This is the risk we all take when we enter into relationships. You have to decide if you're willing to take the risk. :)

Hang in there. We'll be here for you to talk to you.

JG

Good point. Unfortunately, having different needs/wants than someone else in a relationship is not just a poly thing, it's a dating issue in general. I wish you the best of luck, dear. :)
 
I know those sleepless nights! For me it was up with the new guy in my mind, thinking about him sexually and then tenderly (like, "What if he were here right now?" and "What if we fell in love?"), I think this type of sleeplessness is normal with most new successful relationships.

I would just take it slowly, and feel it out. When you feel like you absolutely need to know, just ask the guy about it. Honesty and openness is a huge Poly skill to have, very helpful!

I agree that it is difficult if you are alone all of the time, starting a new poly relationship. It always makes me feel more needy and sometimes that can be difficult to reign in.
 
Good point. Unfortunately, having different needs/wants than someone else in a relationship is not just a poly thing, it's a dating issue in general. I wish you the best of luck, dear. :)

True, true! It's such a tricky question, when to bring up those sorts of things. Too early and you might scare a person off, too late and you might find you've gone farther than you meant to along different tracks. But if you're at the losing sleep stage, I would definitely have at least a light conversation with him about it. Something along the lines of:

"I really like you and I'm curious to see where this could lead, but this is all so new to me! Our relationship is young, so I'm not looking to define it at this earlier stage, but I want to know what's possible. Do you see this as only ever being a casual thing, or do you think it could some day get more serious? I would never try to replace your wife just like I know you'd never try to replace my bf, but what if this became very important to both of us? Do you think you'd try to clamp down on things to keep from having two deeply-involved/primary partners, or is there a possibility that we would just see where it goes?
 
Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.

Not that this is a foolproof way, as it doesn't exist, but I suggest spending more than 50% of your time together out of bed. Movies, parks, chatting over dinner, spending time getting to know each other over coffee (and what each other is looking for as well as finding out about his past relationships and how involved they were for him emotionally) - I am sure people can fake enjoying somebodies company to get to the sex part for awhile, but a willingness to do non bedroom related activities at least indicate that they are interested in being your friend at the minimum, and give you an idea if they like being with YOU, not just your body.

AnnabelMore has great advice on the Love conversation I think. I don't know how many people your bf has dated (and if he's been in love with anybody other than his wife recently), but I know the first time I fell in love with somebody besides my husband, it surprised me, not because we weren't supposed to/"allowed to" fall in love with others, just because it didn't think it would happen, so we hadn't discussed it ahead of time. Luckily it was fine with my SO, but since I have seen cases where it's all AOK to date somebody until love enters the picture, it is good to suss out the situation with him and his wife earlier if you're feeling this strongly.
 
I know those sleepless nights! For me it was up with the new guy in my mind, thinking about him sexually and then tenderly (like, "What if he were here right now?" and "What if we fell in love?"), I think this type of sleeplessness is normal with most new successful relationships.

I would just take it slowly, and feel it out. When you feel like you absolutely need to know, just ask the guy about it. Honesty and openness is a huge Poly skill to have, very helpful!

I agree that it is difficult if you are alone all of the time, starting a new poly relationship. It always makes me feel more needy and sometimes that can be difficult to reign in.

Thanks, I.A., I found your post reassuring. Yeah, I am mostly dating people in open relationships right now, and I have found that once I really start to like them (it's only happened twice) then I do start feeling needy and freak out a bit. It's almost like I'm single since I'm not physically with my partner. Thanks for your insights.
 
Not that this is a foolproof way, as it doesn't exist, but I suggest spending more than 50% of your time together out of bed. Movies, parks, chatting over dinner, spending time getting to know each other over coffee (and what each other is looking for as well as finding out about his past relationships and how involved they were for him emotionally) - I am sure people can fake enjoying somebodies company to get to the sex part for awhile, but a willingness to do non bedroom related activities at least indicate that they are interested in being your friend at the minimum, and give you an idea if they like being with YOU, not just your body.

AnnabelMore has great advice on the Love conversation I think. I don't know how many people your bf has dated (and if he's been in love with anybody other than his wife recently), but I know the first time I fell in love with somebody besides my husband, it surprised me, not because we weren't supposed to/"allowed to" fall in love with others, just because it didn't think it would happen, so we hadn't discussed it ahead of time. Luckily it was fine with my SO, but since I have seen cases where it's all AOK to date somebody until love enters the picture, it is good to suss out the situation with him and his wife earlier if you're feeling this strongly.

This is good advice, the 50% thing. I admit we have crazy chemistry and I'd be just as guilty as he in wanting to get physical quickly, but the nice thing is we actually have a lot in common and I enjoy talking to him a lot, too.

I actually had a conversation with him after my first post here, and I asked him what he was looking for and what he and his wife's emotional boundaries were. Hopefully those questions weren't too intense but he doesn't seem to mind talking about poly stuff. He told me he never really "dated" before his open relationship--instead, he was sort of a serial monogamist. In other words, he is good at relationships and not a player.

So yeah, I'll just take things as they come and try to chillax a bit. Something else that helps is that there are a couple other people I am seeing that I like, it's just not quite as intense with them.

I appreciate your responses! This is new grounds for me.
 
I asked him what he was looking for and what he and his wife's emotional boundaries were. Hopefully those questions weren't too intense but he doesn't seem to mind talking about poly stuff.
Well, if anyone wants to get involved in poly, they should be willing to talk about it, and you should never feel hesitant to ask questions about how his other relationships will affect you. I would feel weird if someone was against talking about it - that would be a bad sign.

One thing I wanted to say regarding this:
. . . he said he'd rather see someone regularly then see many people all the time. That made me feel a little better, since I want to see him regularly . . . another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.
Again, you shouldn't worry about asking him this stuff. There's nothing wrong with asking, "Are you looking for something casual and primarily sexual?" Now, you don't have to say you only want love because that sounds corny and relationships have to start somewhere, but you can say that you don't want just a sexual arrangement and are looking to build a relationship on more than that. Putting it that way could open the door for a conversation that really allows you to say what you want in relationships.
 
Well, if anyone wants to get involved in poly, they should be willing to talk about it, and you should never feel hesitant to ask questions about how his other relationships will affect you. I would feel weird if someone was against talking about it - that would be a bad sign.

One thing I wanted to say regarding this:

Again, you shouldn't worry about asking him this stuff. There's nothing wrong with asking, "Are you looking for something casual and primarily sexual?" Now, you don't have to say you only want love because that sounds corny and relationships have to start somewhere, but you can say that you don't want just a sexual arrangement and are looking to build a relationship on more than that. Putting it that way could open the door for a conversation that really allows you to say what you want in relationships.


Thanks for the input. This is all great communication practice! Not stuff always commonly practiced in relationships, but very important and valuable. Many thanks.
 
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