Editor is a top editor in my writing field. When my good friend introduced me to him, I was very nervous meeting him (because he was already famous in my field), but he turned out to be the sweetest guy ever. My friend kept telling me that Editor was single and had a million things in common with me.
I was skeptical about seeking to date someone in my professional field--someone who would have the power to help me get published, no less. But Editor and I clicked as friends instantly. I felt like he was my long-lost best friend.
We hung out in a group of close friends for many months before we started dating. Editor lived 4 hours away from me, so we were not sure that it would make sense to date.
Simultaneously, I had decided to stop seeing Actor, at least for a while, because he wouldn't see me regularly and seemed to have a lot of other women on his plate. I had no anger or sorrow about that--for the first time, I had stopped seeing a guy without collapsing into depression for months!
And within a couple weeks, Editor and I had arranged a sort of first-date weekend. Things between us had escalated to email/IM flirtation by then, so it was definitely a date.
Editor was very similar to me. He had had very little dating experience. He had been depressed in his teens & early twenties. He had dropped out of school, recovered, and went back to school. He was nerdy and geeky.
He had also been very overweight--even obese--before I met him. He had lost over 100 pounds a year or two before we met. Editor was turning 30 at the time (I was turning 25), and he had spent his entire twenties overweight and taking care of his sick grandparents.
When I met him, his grandparents had just passed away, he had inherited their house, lost weight, got his life on track, seemed happy and was actively trying to get a healthy dating life.
He'd had one sex partner in his twenties, but he "didn't give her enough space" (he said) and she dropped all contact with him. Then he dated someone about a year before I met him, but she had dumped him on the excuse that he was "too nice."
I thought Editor was the awesomest guy ever. But I was not ready for a serious relationship, and told him so upfront, right away on our first date. I wasn't even sure I wanted to have a boyfriend at all--I had just discovered casual dating (I told him about Actor and my past boyfriends).
Editor said that he probably wanted a girlfriend someday, but right now he felt crippled by being almost completely inexperienced. I told him my (new) philosophy, that sex & dating is about exploration and trial-and-error. He agreed.
We spent the weekend together and had sex. When we first kissed, I felt that there wasn't quite the spark of physical passion that I had felt with Actor, but I felt we would get better at it. Editor also was experiencing pretty severe "performance anxiety."
He said he'd had erectile dysfunction with the girl who told him he was "too nice" and that they hadn't been together very long. I assured him that it's normal to need to take time to get to know someone, and that it didn't matter to me how long it took for us to get experienced, comfortable, and good at sex. I felt that we were playful, resourceful, and open to trying knew things.
So Editor and I embarked on a long-distance relationship that lasted over two years. We saw each other for one weekend a month, alternating visiting each other.
Editor's performance anxiety turned out to be severe sexual dysfunction. There were some improvements after the first weekend, but not much. He could get an erection, but it wouldn't last. He saw doctors and tried Viagra, but it only helped a little. Even when he could maintain an erection, he would be unable to come.
He insisted that the problem was his inexperience. He was mostly used to porn and masturbation. I, too, am much better at coming by myself than with anyone else, so I was sympathetic and not too troubled by it.
We tried almost everything. Oral sex, hands jobs, different positions. Instructional videos and books, sex therapy, watching porn together. Nothing really worked for him.
The only way he could come was if he masturbated while watching me. This didn't bother me--in fact I thought it was pretty hot--and as I told him many times, I considered it real sex. If that's the way we do it, then that's the way we do it.
I was disappointed (as was he) that intercourse never really worked for us. But there's so much more to sex than intercourse, and I was having great orgasms just from fingering. So I was having fun. And I thought we had a lot more to explore together.
However, he had a lot of inhibitions. He didn't like giving oral sex (a problem for me) and was off by my dirty talk. He was unwilling to try my role-playing suggestions (nor contribute any of his own suggestions). But overall, I thought we were communicating well and being very supportive and generally having a lot of fun together (even our sex therapist told us that).
Meanwhile, I wanted the relationship to move slowly emotionally (in terms of "getting serious," whatever that means) but we were exclusive with each other and called each boyfriend and girlfriend. I maintained a friendship with Phil, which still involved flirting, but I wasn't interested in having sex with anyone else but Editor.
I felt like Editor was my best friend in the world. Unfortunately, we weren't falling in love because we seemed to lack physical passion or whatever spark you need to be "in love". I didn't mind, though--I felt with my dating past, I'd rather be exploring sex with a close friend than crazy-in-love with someone who would just disappear.
While I was enjoying the sexual exploration, Editor seemed to be getting more frustrated and discouraged and disappointed by his sexual dysfunction. He began lose interest in having sex at all. If we spent a 4-day weekend together, he would only want to try having sex once during that whole time.
That began to frustrate me, and I talked to Editor openly about it. He insisted that the problem was him, that he had a low sex drive. He still went to doctors (and was seeing a sex therapist on his own), but nothing changed. I began to worry that his impotence was a deeply-rooted physical problem.
During this whole time, we had also talked about the possibility of seeing other people...(continued below)...