Feel it's time for some extra support

Hi everyone,

I have been practicing poly or open relationships for almost tens years and have decided I need some sort of support in order to better deal with the pitfalls of this lifestyle.

When I started having open relationships it was with a different guy than I am with now and we had a pretty smooth time with it since I did my thing, he did his and that was that. We were always open and honest about where we were at and did a pretty good job at solving any issues. We did tell any other partners that we were dedicated to each other and anyone who couldn't handle the sharing we dropped. We were and still are very close after we went our separate ways.

The relationship I have now, we are pretty serious about each other being the love of our lives and have also unfortunately ran into a lot more problems handling the poly side of things. When we first started dating, we each had our other love interests and as we got closer we ended up moving in with each other and became very domestic. Then one day he was trying to start a relationship with a girl he had been just friends with and she told him she had no real interest in him until after seeing our place and meeting me. Suddenly she was very interested in him and even though she was actually against the lifestyle we had, she started dating him and manipulating her way in. She claimed she was dying of cancer and was losing her place. She was also addicted to cocaine and basically made herself out to be a damsel in distress. unfortunately we fell for it and did our best to help her and allow her to move in and get clean, but she said she wouldn't be able to handle the whole poly thing and it would only make her personal problems worse. By this I made the brave decision to move out myself since I couldn't even handle the situation, but still wanted to give this girl a chance to get healthy because I believed she was really sick and my guy really cared about her. Man was I glad to be away from that when it all went to heck a week after she moved in. She wouldn't get help for her drug abuse but instead just sped up her downward spiral til he told her it was either get help or get out. She chose the coke and split. later we found out through her family she was lying. What she actually had was HPV which can lead to cancer after several years if gone unchecked, but she actually didn't have cancer.

After that hurricane, we were pretty monogamous for awhile and took the bad experience as a test of our own love for each other. Eventually we decided it would be fun for us to have a lover we can share. We chose a girl that was really sweet, but young and didn't have a lot of experience. We did our best to explain what we were looking for and began relations. There were certain rules such as the need for honesty, condom use, and the understanding that if she wanted more from the situation than we wanted to offer, she had to find that elsewhere.

Things seemed to be going great til I went to the doctor and found out we had contracted HPV from the last girl. I was very devastated and guilty about possibly giving her this disease and wanted to cut down the sexual play between us and her, but still have a relationship. This made her jealous. I began to feel even more guilty and also a bit jealous back because I still felt she was getting most of her other needs met and if she wasn't happy she needed to go elsewhere for those needs. but instead she stayed and continued her issue of wanting more by looking sad all the time. I went back and forth between trying make her feel better about the situation and just plain not caring because I was getting sick of the guilt. Things went on like this for a long time since we all wanted to make it work some way.

One day my guy found out she had been lying to us about some things that were important for us to have known. She had had relations with a guy we told her she could be with and instead she lied about having slept with him. He was a friend of ours and felt he had to tell us since she was very strange about it and wanted to keep it a secret for some odd reason. We called her on it and this led to her confessing a lot of other lies and secrets. She and my guy had had unprotected sex aka broke the rules two weeks into our relationship and she had gotten pregnant and had given herself a miscarriage. She also confessed to have just contracted the HVP from us and also had another form of HVP herself. At this point I was having trouble getting rid of my HPV due to all the earlier stress and was done. I didn't want anything to do with her. I still loved her, but I felt so betrayed I knew things would never be the same.

We didn't really talk to her too much for a while and finally my guy wanted to try and have something again with her. I didn't feel I could trust her so I didn't want us to have anything more with her than a friendship. She acted very strange still and I knew something was not right. My guy was also trying a little too hard to get us back together. Then he finally confessed to me they were having a sort of affair and it had been going on since I got HPV. I was once again very devastated. It hurts all the same whether your poly or not to be cheated on especially by both partners. It's like a mega whammy!

At this point I wanted nothing to do with the girl and didn't know what would become of my relationship with my guy. He was very sorry for how things turned out but still had feelings for us both. I still loved him dearly, but wanted him to be monogamous til I got over my HPV. I told him he could be friends with the girl, but that was it. After a few weeks trying that, I knew he was still lying to me and also seeing her without telling me. I flipped out on him and threatened to leave if he didn't just drop her at this point. We talked a long time and I had to come to the bittersweet conclusion that although I meant more to him than her, he really cared about this other girl and she had redeemed herself to him after our fallout.

It's been a very rough road at this point, but I really didn't want to lose him even after all this. Like I said eons ago in this post, we confessed to each other as being the loves of each others lives and we have a great relationship aside from what has happened. I decided to allow him to date her under the condition that he had to be honest with me at this point so I could gain the trust back in my relationship. Unfortunately I still want little to do with the other girl. I am however perfectly fine sharing as long as things don't go wrong, otherwise I fold. I hope that things work out for us at this point, but regaining trust does take time. I decided to start dating other people again as well since it's too painful to put all my eggs in one basket.

I find now I am in need of the support and advice of the poly community to help me make better decisions and deal with whatever is to come next. Hopefully nothing more than what I've been through, but at this point I have no clue.

Thanks you to anyone who sits and reads all this. I know it's a long, messed up story, but it is why I'm here.

trying to love all,
skycladconnoisseur
 
Welcome to the forums. That is a tragic story, and I hope that you can work through your difficult situations and learn a few things here. I am sure that many will get the understanding; through reading your story, how honesty leads to a safer and more loving environment. I would not like having been through all of the broken trust arangements which you have seen.
 
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Welcome....the trust issues are monstrous. It doesn't matter if it's a traditional one on one marriage or a poly arrangement, everyone MUST be on the same page and able to trust eachother. There can be no compromise on this fact......it sounds like you've had more than your share of trauma on this......I hope you can straighten out your life and your relationship if you truly want to salvage it, given all the levels of mistrust.
 
Wow. You are dealing with a lot of stuff.

I tried the knight in shining armor routine with similar results. People get better when they want to and take advantage of others until then.

It seems your current guy is picking people that is bad for your relationship. Breaking trust is a hard thing to get over. I think dating other people may be a good thing. Some relationships grow and some shrink. Maybe it is time your relationship with this guy shrinks. But who knows?
 
Wow, that sounds difficult. I can't give you any advice- but welcome to the site, I hope you find the support you need.
 
Yeah, I realize at this point that things are kinda in limbo between me truly rebuilding my relationship with him and wanting to try other options as well. I figure if one way fails at least I have other options. Thanks for responding. It's very helpful at this point for me to hear what others have to say about my situation. :eek:
 
heyla and welcome

first off *hugs* to you hun, and I sincerely hope you find something that makes you very happy soon and with no hurt
 
Welcome to the Forums Sky

Welcome to the Forums and I hope everything works out for you and those you love.

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Hugs and Blessings.

Just Me,
Tim
 
I suspect that you're going to have to spend time dealing with your own issues. By that, I mean that what you've described shows a distinct lack of boundaries. Until you develop a sense of boundaries, you'll have this sort of thing happen with some regularity.

Some boundaries that I think should have been observed (and enforced by you):
•no unprotected sex without testing and enough relationship history to know that everybody can be trusted;
•no letting somebody you don't know very well move in;
•no getting involved with an addict;
•no moving out of your home in deference to somebody you don't know;
•no maintaining contact with the women after her lying was exposed;
•no staying with him after his lies were exposed.

When are you going to expect people to treat you well? When are you going to take care of yourself?

It's not your place to take care of somebody you don't know very well--if they have cancer or an addiction it's the people with whom they have a long history that they should turn to. If they turn to somebody they haven't a long history with, that's a warning signal.

Why would you stay involved with anybody who repeatedly lies to you? The very same thing that leads you to mistrust her and not want to be around her should also apply to him!
 
Yeah, I agree I have made too many mistakes in terms of not setting the right boundaries. The first girl was a way crazy situation. I have to admit I did develop what I thought was some sort of friendship with that girl. I hadn't really dealt with a drug addict like her. I have had friends turn in and out of being addicts and had always tried to help them when they wanted the help, though avoided them if they were still at it. When she came to us for help my stupid sense of compassion took over. Eventually though I didn't want to deal with the situation anymore after having had agreed to let her move in so I was glad to be away while he tried to work it out with her. When we got back together and got very close and dedicated to each other, I really felt he had learned his lesson, and he was open and honest with me through this part of our relationship.

It got hard for me to not set enough boundaries in my current situation because I still harbor deep feelings for both my guy and the current girl, and I felt bad about her pain. We did practically live together for several months with her there from dawn til bedtime. then usually she would go home and every so often she spent the night. But when she was unhappy about the sharing it really affected me. I don't think I can bear to see her sad blue eyes at this time and I'm afraid that is how it might always be. I know she for some reason did not feel it was her place to tell me of the affair herself, and it was tearing her apart secretly in front of my eyes. I think she felt it was his turn to come clean with the lies since he was being hypocritical to her about her lies inside of the lie they shared...silly. :confused:

They are both more actively trying to resolve their own issues, and I know she has been reading up on how a healthy relationship really works, poly or not. She may even be reading my post at this time since my guy informed her I was seeking support from this site. My guy has also told the both of us if we are truly unhappy after trying to make things work, either of us have the choice to go our separate way, but he'll always try to resolve any real issues because he really loves us both and wants everyone to be happy about sharing again. I am willing, at this point, to take a chance on her having realized her errors as well as him, and let him have a relationship with her again. We were all happy once upon a time with sharing, so I hope that this time since I have chosen to not have a relationship with her that it will be easier to feel happy in my relationship with him again without anyone sitting unhappily in that same room and ruining it for me. I know it's wishful thinking, but I hope possibly everyone will be happy again because we know what we could have lost at this point. Guess I'm one of those hopeless romantics. But I will say this for my own self worth, I do not plan on tolerating anymore dishonesty from his side of the situation and will be going my own way at that point if it is to come: hence the decision to also date other people in hopes of seeing this situation isn't my only option if it continues to fail.:cool:

Thanks again to everyone who has left me feedback. It feels really good to get this situation out in the open so I can find a sense of peace with the steps I have chosen to take and embrace my future no matter what the outcome. I want to be the strong woman I felt I was back when I started dating multiple people and not undermine myself before my current relationship.

Wish me luck,

Skycladconnoisuer
 
Sky, I wish you luck, but alas, like me you may be that hopeless romantic. Obviously we all have baggage going thru life. To me the key is 3-4 people being able to live and love together sans baggage, is difficult enough to try to find. Now you mix in addiction (of any kind), mental illness, multiple personalities, etc and my God (if you believe in one) where does it stop? How could any poly life exist with all that going on? Seems to me, people need to get well, first. After that, maybe poly has a chance. But alas, the hopeless romantic in me lives differently....As I write this my wife and I are helping our 3rd go thru her divorce, the selling of her house, and shipping her only child off to college. Baggage? You bet...and many trying emotional and physically difficult times for us all but she's worth it, and the poly relationship is worth it. I can tell you this however, if there were any other factors invloved, like cheating, drugs or any kind of gameplaying trying to undermine the relationship, all bets would be off.
 
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