The whole self of Aquamarine

I'm sorry you're frustrated in several areas! Ugh!

Bummer about your one date crush person, now on the hunt again, after dumping you. Grrr! Rejection is hard, and this especially, must be a blow. I have had so many dating woes, even though it's not related to me being non-binary. I wonder if it's because I'm older, because I'm somewhat plus size, etc., etc. It's tough holding on to one's self esteem at those times of rejection. I can so relate!

As for Kay, and feeling neglected, and taken for granted. It's important when poly, to keep dating your nesting partner. Keep the romance going. And the sex! I do not wonder at you feeling rejection in this area as well. She has no right to neglect you constantly. I can see certain periods when work is hard, but it seems to be ongoing. And she gives her best to her girlfriend, escaping to the stress-free dreamland of Polyamoryville, and you just get the complaints and distance and spillover of her stress.
 
New home

First of all, thanks again Mags for your comments and support!

It's been over a month. Me and Kay, we have now moved into your new home. I've been extremely busy in packing our stuff, cleaning the old apartment, and unpacking. In a way, it has been a fun way to focus on this one issue only and ignore any other stuff, such as work or my transition. It has also been extremely stressful.

But now things start to be sorted out and I can focus on building my new everyday life in a new area - not very far from any neighbourhood I've lived in, tho. I realized it's probably more distracting for me that my school / workplace moved into a new location after being a fixed point of my life for 22 years. Well, what else can I do than accept these changes and try to adapt.

There is again a new person. A new friend, a man I have a bit of a crush on. Which is nice and fun. I don't know if he feels the same, but I enjoy his company. He lives a few hours away, so it would be a sort of LDR should anything develop out of it. But let's wait and see.

Otherwise I'm kind of semi-active in dating apps (mostly OkC), although I don't have much to offer. I try to find more queer people in my life, so there's a goal for me. My bubble is not complete enough!

My marriage: Me and Kay, we are doing good. Her work issues start to calm down and now that we live in our new home, the stress level starts to lower. During the weekend, we had a very nice date day and amazing sex. I'm very pleased with the situation. Oh, and after some frustration about her GF, they seem to continue and get along, which makes Kay less cranky and less disappointed. So it helps things with me as well.
 
Patterns

I wrote about a man I have a bit of a crush on. We met, and I realized I'm really into him. However, I completely froze in the situation, which is news with men. Usually it has been easy for me to show my interest to men. This time was different, and somehow I was more able to become aware of my own insecurities. And when I observed them and realized they are there, I became really anxious. When I even thought about saying something about my interest, the anxiety got worse and I froze even more. So I said nothing.

I was able to articulate my interest later on in a message. I said I liked him and wanted to be near him. He replied that he liked me too. So yay! However, he immediately became distant, and after a week, he informed me that he's not ready for a relationship, and wants to be friends. Which is fine, because he's a cool dude. However, my friends don't get much attention from me...

But this is my pattern. I attract people who are interested but not able. I don't know how to break this pattern or what to think about it. It just is. I don't have the energy to analyse it further at the moment. Maybe it still is a lesson about accepting my own boundaries instead of always trying to become whatever the other person presumably wants or needs.


On the other news, my wife is currently visiting her GF. I'm very curious to see how their relationship proceeds. There have been some hick-ups, but lately it's been calmer and happier.

As my wife is travelling, I have alone time, just for myself. Which is great, although I was expecting happier moments than extreme fatigue and inability to do basically anything. I hope it gets easier. I had these dreams about hiking or at least camping or whatever, but the weather is not good for that, and my energy levels are surprisingly low. Well. It's time to be completely selfish.
 
Break-up as usual

My wife Kay came back home after almost two weeks trip to US. I was really happy to get her back! I missed her. It's usually me who travels, and I tend to get so busy I don't have time to miss home. So it was really interesting to experience the staying home -side of it all.

Unfortunately, the doubts Kay had about her relationship with her GF were confirmed during the visit. It's over for them. While I realize it's not really my business to pick their relationship to pieces - I vent out my own frustration here.

So here we go: Not cool to lie. Not cool to lie about being married. Not cool to ignore my wife's needs to get involved in your life and being dishonest about it. Not cool to attack my wife verbally and put the blame on her. Not cool to act like the victim after your own decisions. Not cool to deny everything after being caught and make absurd suggestions for remedy. Not cool to make my wife to doubt her memories and thoughts and accuse her about the decisions you made. Nice gifts don't buy you the right to drag her into this non-consensual secretly-cheating-mess. So. If you read this and recognize yourself - then, fuck you. Learn to communicate. Let people make informed choices about spending time and energy to you, instead of some story you made up to lure them in. Grrr!

I have written here before I didn't feel comfortable to invest in this person (the GF), as I wanted to see some continuity of their relationship before getting too friendly and possibly attached. I reserved my energies in the case of break-up and heart break, so I would be able to help Kay to heal. Once again, my intuition was right. I was mainly preparing for the LDR factor to flip, but after she (the GF) visited us last year, something felt off. I couldn't put a finger on it, but it made me distance myself from her. Kay has been saying the same. The red flags were there for her to see, now clearly visible in retrospect.

Oh well. These are the risks we take as poly.

I'm both relieved and sad that Kay is not that devastated. She's pissed off, but not in pieces, perhaps not even having a broken heart. I hope she can recover easily, although I'm sorry she had to go through this kind of mess. She would deserve so much better. I guess this is her pattern in a way.

In the end, I'm secretly relieved it's over with this person. Before Kay came back home, I made the decision that if they continue their relationship and this person ever visits my home again, I will not let her use my bed any more. Last time I was willing to enable them to co-sleep in our bed, so I took the spare room and slept there. As I realized I'm only responsible on what I do, and not on what Kay does or what her GF does, I decided this is very simple. I'm not ready to give away any more for this person, and not ready to give away even for Kay, in my own home. I wasn't going to protest about Kay's decisions, were they to continue their relationship, or try to prevent them spend time together in any way. The GF could have slept in our home, or they could have gone to a hotel together or whatever. That's not my business.

But my business is that I decided to sleep in my own bed. Well, as it turned out, I will not be asked to give away, as they broke up. But I got some comfort from this decision. I guess I found my boundary in this case, and I was willing to protect it. It makes me feel good.
 
Focusing

My wife Kay met yet another new person on-line during her travels. They didn't meet in person, but kept chatting and started to talk on the phone a lot. It seemed quite intense pretty quick. Kay is as quick as I am. She seems to be very into this new person. I think I need to create a nickname for them, even. I'll do it later.

Anyway, the new person asked to talk to me as well on the phone. And we did! We chatted for half an hour. They told me about their intentions considering Kay, and I told them that my intention is basically to make space for them so they can do whatever they agree to do. However, in my blunt way, I also informed them that while they can contact me if they want to talk, I intend to save my energies in case they fuck this up and Kay needs my help to heal. They responded well and I appreciate their approach in poly life. So that went well. It was the first time ever a metamour (or such) has requested this kind of conversation. It's a cool thing to do.

I hope all the best for them.

Meanwhile, I have my crush going on with a friend, who is not able to commit to a relationship. I keep daydreaming about him. However, I've started to realize the severity of his situation, so I try to keep my hopes to myself. He really doesn't have resources, so it's pretty pointless to wish anything to happen during the next couple of years or so.

Maybe it's a good thing. I have a lot going on with my transition, and that's something I need to focus on. I also constantly learn new stuff about my own boundaries, and how to be kind to myself, and other useful skills. I'm going towards a healthier lifestyle, I think.

As a wonderful treat for Kay and I, we had a 3-day date. A sex holiday, basically. It was hot, it was kinky, it was amazing! I think it was really good for our marriage. It's also so much easier to hear her stories about workplace flirting (although that's a really bad idea and she knows it), when she's hot for me, too.

Btw, I'm reading the book Ethical Slut. I find it really interesting and agreeable.
 
Patterns, patterns, patterns

It's been a month again since my last post. I feel like the same patterns are repeating in my life over and over. However, there are some initial changes in my attitude.

A few weeks ago, the friend I had a crush on called me. I just now decided to call him FreddieM after Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen back in the '70s and '80s, who was the hottest rocker ever. Because FreddieM really does it for me. Geez he's hot.

But yeah, FreddieM called. We never call each other, so I figured it was something I didn't particularly want to hear. And of course it was. He said he has developed feelings for someone else. I tried to respond with empathy and respect. I managed to thank him for telling me (so that I would not find out from other people or from some random group messages), and we discussed about challenges in relationships, and his particular situation. I struggled not to cry on the phone. Finally, we ended the call in kind of mutual understanding, and I let my feelings get me. I cried maybe 3h, so this was sort of medium level suffering for me. After I calmed down, I later on informed him I need some space. So I took some distance, and it helped a lot.

It's so much easier to re-orient towards being just friends with FreddieM, if I'm not in constant contact with him. It helps a lot I haven't seen him for months. I seriously try to work on my feelings and attitude towards him, because I still think he's a cool dude and I would like to be his friend. It's an on-going process. I'm hopeful.

I'm hopeful despite my always re-surfacing hopes about Morpheus. I haven't been in contact with Morpheus for maybe six months. He only visited us once during TeenKid's birthday party, and I was happy to just hug him in a friendly way, and the party situation took care of itself without any extra hassle between us two. But just now, I had a dream about him and the old hopes try to mess my mind. I know he is in a relationship now, although it doesn't matter as the core problem is that I just don't work for him. Although he wants me when drunk... Sigh. I miss him a little bit. Maybe I'll send him a message to see how I feel about it.

Then even more repetition of my patterns. It just so happened that a new friend of mine visited our home. I'll call him Reddington here, just because I totally love the Red character in the series Blacklist. Cool as fuck. In my reality, Reddington is kind, fun, deep, poly, who falls into analytical conversations about the universe, life, and everything, just as easily as I do. He's really nice and I like him. We get along really well. Actually, he is just like me, like looking into a mirror, physically and mentally. He keeps inviting me to places, and I keep declining as I don't have the energy to go anywhere. Now I invited him to our place, so he readily agreed and came over. Kay was out. I had planned it to be a short visit, but we fell into a deep conversation about our lives, and I just didn't want to interrupt it. I was having too much fun, and our talk felt really meaningful to me.

So. Me and Reddington, we talked for 5h straight. Just sat in our living room and talked. That's a bit crazy. That kind of shit has happened e.g. with Kay on our first date. And look what that lead into: a marriage! Well, Reddington left, and I went for a walk to calm down. I felt ... sparkling. I felt sparkling inside. I felt like I was totally developing a crush. Even though I've never thought Reddington sexually, because I've thought he's not my type. After all, he's almost exactly like me! Before, I've just been happy we can be good friends without my crush pattern interrupting the fun. Now, I briefly thought our similarity would protect me from it. Then I realized Kay has found ways to notice my heat, although she's not too impressed by my looks. Now I'm afraid that will happen to me with Reddington.

What is new in my attitude is that I started to suggest to myself that maybe it's ok to feel these feelings. Maybe it's not so dangerous to feel them. Maybe I just live with them, and talk about them to Reddington if I feel the need. Maybe we can actually sort things out like adults without the need to completely stomp my emotions onto the ground. I sent Reddington a message and mentioned I felt really good. He replied he felt the same, and he had had really easy and relaxed time with me. At least this experience is mutual, then.

My new attitude stretches to my work as well. I've started to think that maybe I don't have to give everything I have to my work in order to participate without shame. Maybe it's ok to put only the effort I feel comfortable putting in, and that is enough. Pretty radical idea for me, and feels quite amazing.

Still...Despite my new, developing attitude that everything will be quite alright, I'm a bit nervous about Reddington. I'm already planning all kinds of activities with him, and it seems he would be keen to participate. In anything and everything. I was just recently thinking that at my current situation, dating is not a feasible option. I don't have any energy to get to know new people, because I don't have time or energy for them. But what about Reddington? He's not actually new any more, is he? And I would like to spend some time with him anyway. So why not something sexual as well? And that thought scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I think he's not thinking these activities as a prelude for a sexual relationship, but just acts of friendship.

Oh, here's a thought for me: maybe I could ask him and clarify this?
 
Getting my wish, again

I didn't need to ask Reddington anything. Of course I tried to postpone making a move myself, because making moves makes me uncomfortable nowadays in completely new ways. I'm suddenly quite insecure and scared of the other person's reactions. Besides, I was telling myself that I'm not Reddingon's type, and he has this deal with his partner about no men. So I thought I don't exactly fit in his specs.

Well. I stand corrected. Reddington sent me a message saying that by the way, he has a crush on me. I was really surprised that my intuitive interpretation was right, as I thought I rationalized it away pretty neatly. I replied I my own feelings were pretty foggy (besides the usual stuff, thank you letting me know and such).

I did some soul searching (as they say), and found out that I was just really scared. My feelings were foggy because I like him back, and I was/am afraid what would happen. What would his partner say? What if we hurt each other? All kinds of questions!

We have texted pretty intensively and figured out we will go ahead and let things happen as they will. Then we will see if there's anything to it. At least I know his partner is ok with us.

I also realized I'm not supposed to know beforehand how things will evolve and how my feelings develop and whether we end up together or not. You know, in order to avoid all the work there is in a new relationship. I won't know until I know. That's how it works and me agonizing about it won't help or change anything. This thought appeared to me because I'm quite experienced in poly life and Reddington is really new to it. Of course I also fear that he uses me as a test example and throws me away after he finds out poly is hard and not for him, after all. As happened with my ex-gf Cat a year ago.

I try to be kind to myself and listen to my own needs and body. I have this tendency to try to please and deliver, and that kind of orientation is not good for me or my health.

What has already surprised me is that I'm really eager to spend some time with him. Previously, I have dreamed of and planned for relationships in which I could meet the other person maybe once a month. Now, a week seems a pretty long time to be apart. But maybe it's just NRE kicking in, so it will probably calm down and we find some balance and a suitable frequency, if there is a proper relationship developing. Co-living is not an option for me, as I understand my situation atm. I can bear one other adult, and that's it. I really badly need my space and me-time.

Anyway, this is really exciting. I'm sparkling and nervous, overwhelmed and hopeful all at the same time. (Again, I'm afraid about his issues, because many interesting people have drowned in their own issues without any space for me in their lives.)
 
NRE kicking in

It's pretty amazing with Reddington. Last week, we planned things for 5 days, because it just happened that his family was away for the weekend, and before I knew he would himself be in town after cancelling his own weekend plans, I asked for a date before the weekend. So we kept both plans, before weekend date and the whole weekend date. In addition, we just randomly bumped into each other on my way to the grocery store. So this is not even remotely resembling any of my previous plans about once a month type of relationship.

For our first string of dates, I kept expecting some anxiety, fear and shame, and working on those feelings and discussing them and agonizing about it all, and how difficult everything is, and experiencing several triggering moments. It was nothing like that. Yes, I was afraid, and he was afraid. But we talked about it. I said I want to be close to him, and he made a move to be close to me. Then it was just really natural to be close to each other. We were able to talk about our issues right away, so it helped a lot.

As soon as we were alone, we had sex. It was good. Even the first time was really nice, just because we were so horny. I love it that he is just as horny as I am! During the weekend, we had a lot of practice, and we got better. It's mind-blowing how naturally everything went. No shame, no awkwardness. Just some "normal" amounts of dysphoria for me, and it was manageable. He held me when I needed it, and I held him when he needed it.

We had some walks around his house, and it was really difficult to keep my hands off him. Reddington felt it was necessary in front of crowds and if anybody he knew would come along - this is due to his partner's request (as Reddington perceives it). He agreed with me that being in closet is really annoying. It felt really good to sit with him on a beach bench, when we wrapped his arm around me.

The closet thing is a bit of an issue already. This relationship has really skyrocketed. I mean, it's been less than two weeks! Love has been mentioned already. So, it feels really frustrating and energy-consuming to try to fake a friend instead of a partner, for example. I've told him that if this is really necessary for his life, I will not hang around in his house that much, which means we will meet less. But let's see how it goes. He's waiting for an opportunity to discuss all of this with his extremely busy partner. I try to stay calm and positive. I also tried to have some reservations, just as defences to protect me, in case his partner tries to veto or limit our lives, but it's useless. I'm just really falling for Reddington already, and I'm not even afraid of my feelings any more.

I will also meet his partner soon, so that might give some signs about what to expect in the future. I'm wondering what would be a proper level of inquiring information from his partner. I do have some agenda in mind: I want to know the partner knows I'm in his partner's life, and I want to know he's ok with it. In addition, I would like to know what is the level of closetedness we need to be in. And for what reasons.
 
Overwhelmed

Almost two months since my last post. There has been some shit with my Dad's health issues, but I won't go there here, because I think the situation is under control, and I'm all consumed by my love life.

So, I was about to meet Reddington's partner.

We did meet, and for now, I'm going to call Reddington's partner Sherlock. Because he's hot as hell and so is Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock in the HBO series New Sherlock. So the situation already is such that I need a nickname for my new metamour. You can guess where this is going.

The meeting itself with Reddington and Sherlock was ok, although Sherlock was quite nervous and couldn't shut up. He kept talking and talking... So we talked about sailing and shit, but we didn't talk about the relationship situation at all. Still, at least I got my confirmation that Sherlock indeed knew that I exist in Reddington's life. Despite everything, the meeting was surprisingly fun. Later on, I met Sherlock once in their home when he was coming home from work and I was leaving the house. I ensured him that I would be out of the way in a minute, and to my surprise, he responded that I was not a disturbance. What a nice surprise!

Based on these brief moments and whatever Reddington decided to tell me about Sherlock and what he was saying and doing, I developed an extremely weird longing to meet him again. I don't know why, it just happened.

Meanwhile, the relationship between Reddington and I really blossomed. It's been two months now, and he just recently said it feels like 20 years have passed, because so much has happened. We have seen each other as much as possible, and we have talked about everything, and we have kind of settled in. Despite the fact that at the same time, we get to know each other in terms of what we like (music, food, movies), what we do, what our hobbies are etc. Mutual love is a basic fact in our life now. I was worried because the thought of love and the word popped up so early on, but the feeling keeps only deepening. So I already feel I have two long-term partners: Kay and Reddington. Although the fact is that it's been only two months with Reddington.

We boldly planned a holiday for me in their summer cottage. After meeting me once or twice, Sherlock readily agreed that he was ok with the idea that I would spend over a week with Reddington in their summer cottage, and moreover, I would be there for a couple of days even after he would himself show up. I was really amazed he gave as a green light with this plan. I think I maybe would have not. Sherlock has delivered positive surprises on almost every corner.

The holiday was wonderful. It was so peaceful there, just Reddington and I. We didn't do anything. We took a lot of rest, and we had a lot of sex. That's about it. It was beyond words, really. Then, Sherlock texted that he's planning to arrive a day earlier than planned and asked if it was ok for us. I didn't even notice I could appreciate him asking that, because I immediately got so nervous about meeting him and spending almost three whole days with him, or in his presence. But once again, Sherlock delivered several welcomed surprises. He was totally ok with Reddington and me. Just like that. Everything was easy, everything was smooth. We had a great time together and laughed our asses off.

I learned Sherlock is an extremely funny guy, who tends to reflect a lot. I got the impression that he is able to use his brain. So, this is already a winning combination for me. On top of that, Sherlock is just gorgeous. His body is perfect, maybe even divine. And he just happened to walk around the house without a shirt the first evening (because of a heat wave). I was pretty shaken and kept staring at him. Might have been drooling a bit. So that was pretty crazy. I also had a couple of opportunities to talk with him alone - I wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation that he so generously let me in and made space for me (he let me sleep with Reddington!).

Many small funny incidents happened and I keep thinking about them at home. The thing is now that Sherlock makes me smile when I think about him. Again, I don't have much ideas how he feels about me, just that he seemed to be quite comfortable in my presence, considering the circumstances. He still couldn't shut up, tho... But now I'm hoping I could establish a connection with him, get to know him better. I kind of miss him. I surely miss Reddington, too, but that is expected and I feel more confident that things are stable with Reddington, so I can wait him to get back home from their summer cottage.

We suddenly created a plan that I will join Reddington and Sherlock when they travel for a kind of city holiday for a weekend from their summer cottage. I'm really eager to see them both, and I'm really hoping I could spend some time with Sherlock as well.

I also feel guilty for developing a sexual interest towards, and maybe even a crush on, Sherlock. I mentioned this kind of possibility as a risk to Reddington in the beginning, and he felt bad about it, insecure of his own status. So now I'm afraid I'll generate discomfort for Reddington. I'm also afraid I'll generate some suffering for myself, since I have no idea if Sherlock is even poly, or into me in any way. Then again, I cannot will these desires and feelings away, so I try my best to accept that this is happening to me. I try my best to trust we can figure this out, whatever the outcome will be.

I feel like life is developing a practical joke on me. I've never understood triads, how they might work and why to take that kind of risk and make so much effort. And here I am, sparkling new hope about a triad with these two amazing men. Luckily, we are all very experienced in poly... Oh, wait, no, that's just me. Yay. This is their first time. God I'm fucked...
 
Broke my heart again

Almost two months have passed again.

Me + wife: all good. She is waiting really eagerly for her trip to meet MadHatter. They have been together for over half a year, and they still haven't met in person. How crazy is that! I couldn't do it myself. Kay and MadHatter are pulling it off, however. Good for them!

Me + Reddington: all good. We're kind of settled. Our relationship has lasted only 3.5months, but it feels like years. Even tho we're still getting to know each other. Reddington's friend said we were meant to be together. Kind of signed together in the creation of the universe, if you will. I feel very comfortable with him.

The only worrying thing with Reddington, and in my life in general, is my huge crush on Sherlock. Shortly, he does not respond to my feelings. I'm suffering and trying to cope.

Since I need to vent this situation, I describe it in more detail. In my last post, I mentioned our plans that I would join Reddington and Sherlock's city trip, a vacation from their vacation. I did join them, and we attended a pride event. It was fun, but it was extremely tiring for Reddington and me. We pretty much collapsed without saying anything to Sherlock, and he was quite worried. We ended up discussing the situation in a rather uncomfortable way. I was tired, Sherlock was annoyed and Reddington was in pieces. The discussion wasn't fun, but we survived. Reddington feared I would leave him because of the hassle... Of course I didn't, and we managed to clarify that soon enough.

However, my plan to get a reality check with Sherlock and realize he's not that amazing after all - it completely backfired. Yes, he is able to be extremely annoying person at times. But. He's still fucking funny, thoughtful and hellishly hot. So what the fuck I'm supposed to do? Every time I met him, my feelings deepened. It got even worse after the city trip, as Sherlock opened a chat with me, and we had some interesting talks.

I pretty soon decided to open up about my crush on him, because I wanted to allow him to make informed choices about being in touch with me. I guess I was expecting him to back off in disgust or something. Well, he didn't. He explained that he does not feel the same, and draw the boundaries within which he is willing to interact with me. I appreciated his effort in this, as he mentioned it was a difficult task to reject me.

I then expected my feelings would start to fade away. They didn't. First I entertained myself with an enormous denial, hoping he would change his mind. Just because he had explained that he doesn't know me well enough to figure out what will become of us, if anything. This role based metamour status seems pretty insignificant to him. Maybe when we get to know each other, maybe he then would change his mind... I tossed and turned this idea over and over in my mind.

Then, I revived my earlier plan that my feelings would fade more efficiently once we would meet more. I would learn about his personality and the reality check would finally kick in and would help me to shake off these feelings. Also, I wanted to test myself and my reactions - I was a bit worried I would collapse or freak out in front of their children or something. So Reddington, me and Sherlock did some stuff together. It was just fun. I was so happy to meet Sherlock - I mean I meet Reddington several times a week, so that's the new normal now, but meeting Sherlock usually requires a special plan.

After a week during which I met Sherlock four times, I realized my feelings are not fading away, but they are only getting stronger. So I'm really fucked with this one. I'm not able to just get rid of Sherlock to lick my wounds in private. And I don't even want to get rid of him! Even tho my feelings are not mutual, I want to maintain our connection, however thin it is. And it makes me sad. I've cried my eyes off. It was especially difficult for me to be sad in front of Reddington. I hoped I could compartmentalize these two persons so that my sadness about the other wouldn't affect my mood with the other. But it did, and Reddington again held me. Mostly I do my crying alone, tho.

The positive side of this agony is that I have been forced to deal with my Dad issues. I mean the needs my father didn't meet when I was a kid, and the suffering that has remained in my emotional structure. I hope all this work and suffering and crying and writing about it has brought me closer to getting through the layers of childhood wounds.

It's also positive that as a highly sensitive person, I can surely feel this enormous pain and cry my eyes off, trembling and yelling, and then a couple of days later I can brim with joy when I go for my walks and see the colours of nature. This emotional roller coaster is my normal, and I might just as well accept that as a fact of my life.
 
Slow healing

I've been dealing with my transition stuff, and that has drained my energy. I've been unable to write for a while. Now I'm back in here, again after two months.

Me + wife: Everything is good. We talk, we spend some time together, we do our own stuff. Kay visited MadHatter, and they really clicked, just the way me and Reddington clicked together. It's beautiful. Now Kay misses MadHatter and counts days for her next trip. I try to support her.

Me + Reddington: We're good. It's been less than half a year, but we're kind of settled. Of course it's still learning and figuring out the everyday schedules and such. Reddington has been a bit surprised we don't any more have time to meet as often as during the summer. He has quite hectic life. But our love is pretty solid, and I trust us. We can figure things out. A nice detail was that we got to spend some nights together while Kay was travelling, and then a couple more while Sherlock was travelling. I'm surprised to learn that even married people can figure out ways to sometimes sleep over.

Then Sherlock. Me, Reddington and Sherlock have done some stuff together. We went to a bar. I visited their home. It has been fun. However, my feelings for Sherlock are not going anywhere. In fact, I'm actually in love with him. I'm not going to say it to his face, tho. He tends to escape if I try to get too close. The positive side is that he's talking to me, at least a bit. About our hobbies and other non-threatening topics. We get along nicely enough.

The painful side is that I've been really suffering from my feelings towards Sherlock. He is really able to trigger all the old wounds my father did when I was a kid. Needs unmet, feelings rejected and suppressed. Requirements of delivering and reading his thoughts (my father, I mean). I've cried so much, yelled my pain and trembled. It's hard work.

After 5 months, it finally got easier. I feel I've started to make peace with my feelings. I'm not so much banging my head onto a wall any more, but I'm settling down besides the wall of my feelings. I realized it's ok to have feelings for Sherlock. I'm allowed to care for him, even though he doesn't care for me. Earlier, it was really painful, because I tried to delete my feelings (again). I felt I'm not good enough, I'm rejected and abandoned. Then I realized it's not about that at all. It's about what Sherlock needs, and what he needs is not me. That's sad, but it doesn't say anything about my worthiness.

It's been painful, but I now more clearly see my own value as a person. I guess I'm stubborn as fuck since I need this heavy lesson to learn that. It's been hard, but I'm somehow grateful. I still hope me and Sherlock can become friends. I wouldn't mind becoming lovers, too, but we'll see.
 
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