weird question - how to be monogamous

I very much appreciate all the advice and insight in the replies to my question.

It has inspired a very interesting thought. While I hate not having polyamory/being able to love/sex/connect with others, I do not hate the idea of such intense restrictions in general.
I wonder if my desire to fulfill the restrictions, at whatever cost to myself personally/emotionally is more a result of M being less strict in other areas of life, and less a result of me self harming.
I wonder if there is a way that I can broach the topic in a constructive manner - in case there is an area that he and I would both find comfortable/beneficial to restrict, which would 1 - fulfill my need for strict structure, and 2 - fulfill his need for control, such that he would be comfortable with my devotion/obedience enough to relax the restrictions on this specific area.
I know not all areas of life carry the same emotional weight, and this is an obvious and oft used one in the BDSM world, and he may still be absolutely uncomfortable with polyamory, but it is a very interesting thought.
 
I see what you're going for here, but I personally find polyamory being compared to a life altering addictive/compulsive personality disorder to be a little offensive. I'm not trying to be courtesy police here, just pointing out that comparing polyamory to a neurological disorder isn't needed to make your (otherwise well made) point.

You're previous comparison to swingers and the problems encountered when one of them starts encountering "feelings" made the point very well, and I happen to agree with it.

I cringed a little myself at the comparison. But it was the best I could come up with at the time when trying to grasp for an explanation of shoving someone into a situation where everyone knows what the outcome will be.
 
No, I do not want to express how painful it is for me to him. I used to push him for things that I wanted, often without regard for what he actually wanted or was comfortable with. I feel that letting him see my emotional wreckiness would inspire guilt/feelings of inadequacy in him; this would be counter to my intention of pleasing/comforting him.

I cut your post that I'm quoting because this is the paragraph that stands out to me.

You "used to push him for things that you wanted, often without regard for what he actually wanted for was comfortable with."

So now you're letting HIM do that to YOU? Because to me, that's exactly what it sounds like. HE is now the one disregarding YOUR wants and comforts in favor of his own.

HE is making YOU feel guilty and inadequate. HE is doing nothing to please or comfort YOU. (And yeah, I get that in an M/s dynamic the slave should please the Master, but it's the Master's responsibility and duty, as far as I know, to make sure the slave also feels safe and comfortable.)

I'm not accusing him of doing these things deliberately. I only know what you've stated here. But this is how it appears to me. You're letting him do to you what you say you did to him in the past.

Are you allowing him to punish you for what you've done in the past? Or are you punishing yourself by refusing to allow yourself to express your needs, fears, and other emotions? Because either way, living in a life in which you feel hurt and scared, and in which you consider it necessary to deny yourself something you enjoy, sounds punishing to me.
 
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Re (from OP):
"Here's the question: How do you be monogamous if you're naturally polyamorous?"

FWIW, I know of just one story where someone who was polyamorous was able (with much effort) to transition into a permanently monogamous life and be genuinely happy with the end result. It's a long story, but here's the link:

If anything could cast a positive light on your proposition to become monogamous, reading the above story could do it.
 
I wished to come back and make an update.

Monogamy proved impossible for me.
My depression increased, my physical self harm behaviors increased.
I felt like I was lost and drowning.

I finally told DH what I was feeling about the guy from OKC.

He made the decision to allow me a very limited form of polyamory with that particular person.
I became overly emotionally attached to him. I now suspect it was because he was my only option for polyamory - I clung to him like a life preserver. That attempt crashed and burned pretty horribly in a matter of months.
Desperate for positive attention, I started looking on OKC again, and reconnected with one of the people I'd cancelled a date with previously.
M allowed me to communicate with him.
I was able to start to explain my feelings and hurt to M about not being allowed polyamory.
He explained that his fear was always of losing me. He does not wish me harm. He decided that my willingness to harm myself in order to obey was all the proof he needed of my loyalty to him above all others, and decided to allow polyamory again, for my well being.

And then a miracle happened.
A woman contacted M on his old OKC profile out of the blue.
He fell for her, hard. He's completely in love with her. Suddenly he understood a lot more of what I was feeling. Even just the experience of letting a relationship develop with her with no artificial restrictions on when they could have sex or see each other has given me opportunity to point out just how incredibly hard it was/is for me to navigate dating with a web of rules and restrictions around me.

Things are... far from perfect or ideal.
I still feel a little trapped, and I still have massive restrictions on my practice of polyamory.
But I'm not depressed. I'm allowed to talk about my crushes and my loves. I'm allowed to (slowly!) pursue them. I can play and participate at community events without feeling sick with guilt, shame or temptation.

Are you allowing him to punish you for what you've done in the past? Or are you punishing yourself by refusing to allow yourself to express your needs, fears, and other emotions? Because either way, living in a life in which you feel hurt and scared, and in which you consider it necessary to deny yourself something you enjoy, sounds punishing to me.
Yes, both were correct.
 
Thank you for posting this update. I'm glad to hear things are going more smoothly for you and M at this point.

I hope that you're no longer punishing yourself, or being punished by him, for issues from the past. We all screw up sometimes. Making mistakes, sometimes spectacular ones, is one of the ways humans learn. But eventually, one has to move on from the screw-ups, leaving them in the past, and live a better life.
 
Sounds like things are considerably better. :)
 
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