FullofLove1052
New member
It has been a long day that started after an equally long night. It is impossible to hold a conversation with someone who is physically absent and emotionally unavailable. He left last night without mumbling a peep to me. I found out from one of his friends who was nice enough to text and let me know he was there, so I would not worry. Unfortunately hubby dearest saw no reason to tell me he was leaving. I consider that disrespectful. That was the second time I had to find out from someone else where my husband was. He came in at some point after I had went to bed, but he did not sleep in our bedroom again. The third time of someone else informing me of his whereabouts came this morning. He left before we could have breakfast with our children. I heard the movement downstairs, so I know he was with them. I was informed by my daughter that daddy had already left for work when I walked in the kitchen. Imagine my surprise. I hate when he gets like this. He isolates and shuts me completely out of every aspect of his life.
I am bothered by the fact that he would rather confide in a therapist or his friends. People on the outside of our marriage know more about how he is feeling than me, and I am in the marriage. I am not sure how to feel about that. I cannot make him open up to me, trust me, feel comfortable with the idea of trusting me, or be around me.
I met with our counsellor this morning. She said his behaviour is indicative of mistrust and a lowered level of respect. She asked if our trust had been improving, and it has. She explained that he probably views trusting me as a risk, so the minute it increases, he is going to want to counteract it and stop it. I see that. We were getting closer and rebuilding the trust. Now, he is pushing me away, continuing to keep me at a safe distance, and not telling me anything.
I have never said this, but I am hurt. It hurts me every time he opens up a little and proceeds to shut down. He opens up to "safe" point, and then nothing. It hurts me that he would choose confiding in a stranger over confiding in me. It hurts that I am considered a risk and trusting me is apparently a bad idea. When he does open up, it hurts to listen to everything he says. I know it is not supposed to be pleasant, but it is about as comfortable as someone stabbing you and turning the knife in circles. He makes little remarks that come from a place within his own pain and angst, and each one cuts a little deeper than the last. Illustrating how I earned the name 20% wife was a bad one. Everything he said in counselling made me feel like the worst wife. I am amazed that I did not break down on the spot. He communicates in his own way, and it kills me a little more inside.
I know all of this is to be expected in the beginning stages, but it hurts. I am someone who rarely cries, but over the past 12-16 hours, I have done so much. Even if he knew, he is seemingly immune to my pain, so I cannot say it would matter. Everyone keeps saying he needs to talk and communicate his feelings to me. That is like leading a blind person on the edge of a cliff. He does not trust me with his feelings or his heart. I cannot get an "I love you" out of him. He tells me that practical and logical side of things. Everything he tells me is generally devoid of any emotion outside of the negative ones and telling me what he did not like and is not going to do now. I guess I should be happy that he is confiding in someone and getting his frustrations out, but in the meantime, I am left in the dark and feeling emotionally abandoned. Can I tell say just how GREAT that is?
We took our children to the cinema to see Epic 3D, and he never said a word to me. When I did say something to him, he shrugged it off and gave one word responses. "Yeah." "Okay." "Fine."He talked to our daughter and interacted with our son. We are getting ready to go out to dinner with our children now. I guess it will be more silence.
I am going to try to initiate another conversation during or after dinner. I wish I knew what was wrong, but I cannot make him talk to me or force him to let me in to his thoughts. The least he can do is hear me out. I am not expecting him to say anything in response.
I am bothered by the fact that he would rather confide in a therapist or his friends. People on the outside of our marriage know more about how he is feeling than me, and I am in the marriage. I am not sure how to feel about that. I cannot make him open up to me, trust me, feel comfortable with the idea of trusting me, or be around me.
I met with our counsellor this morning. She said his behaviour is indicative of mistrust and a lowered level of respect. She asked if our trust had been improving, and it has. She explained that he probably views trusting me as a risk, so the minute it increases, he is going to want to counteract it and stop it. I see that. We were getting closer and rebuilding the trust. Now, he is pushing me away, continuing to keep me at a safe distance, and not telling me anything.
I have never said this, but I am hurt. It hurts me every time he opens up a little and proceeds to shut down. He opens up to "safe" point, and then nothing. It hurts me that he would choose confiding in a stranger over confiding in me. It hurts that I am considered a risk and trusting me is apparently a bad idea. When he does open up, it hurts to listen to everything he says. I know it is not supposed to be pleasant, but it is about as comfortable as someone stabbing you and turning the knife in circles. He makes little remarks that come from a place within his own pain and angst, and each one cuts a little deeper than the last. Illustrating how I earned the name 20% wife was a bad one. Everything he said in counselling made me feel like the worst wife. I am amazed that I did not break down on the spot. He communicates in his own way, and it kills me a little more inside.
I know all of this is to be expected in the beginning stages, but it hurts. I am someone who rarely cries, but over the past 12-16 hours, I have done so much. Even if he knew, he is seemingly immune to my pain, so I cannot say it would matter. Everyone keeps saying he needs to talk and communicate his feelings to me. That is like leading a blind person on the edge of a cliff. He does not trust me with his feelings or his heart. I cannot get an "I love you" out of him. He tells me that practical and logical side of things. Everything he tells me is generally devoid of any emotion outside of the negative ones and telling me what he did not like and is not going to do now. I guess I should be happy that he is confiding in someone and getting his frustrations out, but in the meantime, I am left in the dark and feeling emotionally abandoned. Can I tell say just how GREAT that is?
We took our children to the cinema to see Epic 3D, and he never said a word to me. When I did say something to him, he shrugged it off and gave one word responses. "Yeah." "Okay." "Fine."He talked to our daughter and interacted with our son. We are getting ready to go out to dinner with our children now. I guess it will be more silence.
I am going to try to initiate another conversation during or after dinner. I wish I knew what was wrong, but I cannot make him talk to me or force him to let me in to his thoughts. The least he can do is hear me out. I am not expecting him to say anything in response.
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