Wide Awake

It has been a long day that started after an equally long night. It is impossible to hold a conversation with someone who is physically absent and emotionally unavailable. He left last night without mumbling a peep to me. I found out from one of his friends who was nice enough to text and let me know he was there, so I would not worry. Unfortunately hubby dearest saw no reason to tell me he was leaving. I consider that disrespectful. That was the second time I had to find out from someone else where my husband was. He came in at some point after I had went to bed, but he did not sleep in our bedroom again. The third time of someone else informing me of his whereabouts came this morning. He left before we could have breakfast with our children. I heard the movement downstairs, so I know he was with them. I was informed by my daughter that daddy had already left for work when I walked in the kitchen. Imagine my surprise. I hate when he gets like this. He isolates and shuts me completely out of every aspect of his life.

I am bothered by the fact that he would rather confide in a therapist or his friends. People on the outside of our marriage know more about how he is feeling than me, and I am in the marriage. I am not sure how to feel about that. I cannot make him open up to me, trust me, feel comfortable with the idea of trusting me, or be around me.

I met with our counsellor this morning. She said his behaviour is indicative of mistrust and a lowered level of respect. She asked if our trust had been improving, and it has. She explained that he probably views trusting me as a risk, so the minute it increases, he is going to want to counteract it and stop it. I see that. We were getting closer and rebuilding the trust. Now, he is pushing me away, continuing to keep me at a safe distance, and not telling me anything.

I have never said this, but I am hurt. It hurts me every time he opens up a little and proceeds to shut down. He opens up to "safe" point, and then nothing. It hurts me that he would choose confiding in a stranger over confiding in me. It hurts that I am considered a risk and trusting me is apparently a bad idea. When he does open up, it hurts to listen to everything he says. I know it is not supposed to be pleasant, but it is about as comfortable as someone stabbing you and turning the knife in circles. He makes little remarks that come from a place within his own pain and angst, and each one cuts a little deeper than the last. Illustrating how I earned the name 20% wife was a bad one. Everything he said in counselling made me feel like the worst wife. I am amazed that I did not break down on the spot. He communicates in his own way, and it kills me a little more inside.

I know all of this is to be expected in the beginning stages, but it hurts. I am someone who rarely cries, but over the past 12-16 hours, I have done so much. Even if he knew, he is seemingly immune to my pain, so I cannot say it would matter. Everyone keeps saying he needs to talk and communicate his feelings to me. That is like leading a blind person on the edge of a cliff. He does not trust me with his feelings or his heart. I cannot get an "I love you" out of him. He tells me that practical and logical side of things. Everything he tells me is generally devoid of any emotion outside of the negative ones and telling me what he did not like and is not going to do now. I guess I should be happy that he is confiding in someone and getting his frustrations out, but in the meantime, I am left in the dark and feeling emotionally abandoned. Can I tell say just how GREAT that is?

We took our children to the cinema to see Epic 3D, and he never said a word to me. When I did say something to him, he shrugged it off and gave one word responses. "Yeah." "Okay." "Fine."He talked to our daughter and interacted with our son. We are getting ready to go out to dinner with our children now. I guess it will be more silence.

I am going to try to initiate another conversation during or after dinner. I wish I knew what was wrong, but I cannot make him talk to me or force him to let me in to his thoughts. The least he can do is hear me out. I am not expecting him to say anything in response.
 
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Something crawled up his but and pissed him off and instead of telling you what it was, he's pulling all this passive-aggressive bullshit. The you "should" know what you did wrong and if you don't, he's not about to tell you, instead he will just get even. I completely understand his reluctance to open up completely and not share everything on his mind, but there no excuse for not being rude and disrespectful. I no longer have ANY tolerance for passive-aggressive bullshit, not from my husband and not from myself. It is exponentially destructive and does nothing to resolve whatever the issue is.

I'm glad you talked with you counselor. Unfortunately, the repairing process is littered with all kinds of mind fields, just waiting to explode. Even a minor incident can trigger some serious emotions based on memory and usually they aren't anywhere in line with the incident itself. Take care, you'll both recover.
 
Something crawled up his but and pissed him off and instead of telling you what it was, he's pulling all this passive-aggressive bullshit. The you "should" know what you did wrong and if you don't, he's not about to tell you, instead he will just get even. I completely understand his reluctance to open up completely and not share everything on his mind, but there no excuse for not being rude and disrespectful. I no longer have ANY tolerance for passive-aggressive bullshit, not from my husband and not from myself. It is exponentially destructive and does nothing to resolve whatever the issue is.

I'm glad you talked with you counselor. Unfortunately, the repairing process is littered with all kinds of mind fields, just waiting to explode. Even a minor incident can trigger some serious emotions based on memory and usually they aren't anywhere in line with the incident itself. Take care, you'll both recover.

I have many skills but mind reader has never been one. I am unaware of anything I did. In fact, I know I did nothing. Everything was fine Monday-Wednesday morning. If I had done something, his reaction would have been immediate. He addresses things on the spot and has no problem calling me out. Something else could have been a trigger and set things in motion. I would not know that unless it came from him.

His recent behaviour and the entire way he has been conducting himself is destructive and causing even more damage. Instead of progressing, we are regressing. He was respectful before. Now, he is behaving disrespectfully and just disregarding me.

The repair process is a thorn in my side. Land mines are hidden all over. The trigger could have been someone saying something or seeing someone. Anything could be a trigger. I am not expecting him to tell me everything but telling me nothing and intentionally keeping me at a distance is a bitch.
 
He's obviously capable of treating you good, so this drawn-out tantrum is mysterious. Like you said, you're not a mind-reader, and you can't do anything to fix the problem until you know what the problem is.

I hope things get better soon. :(
 
Nightly Check-in

We finally talked, and the whole conversation was really emotional for both of us. I have only seen my husband cry a handful of times in the 14 years I have known him. Four out of five times were directly related to my pregnancies/births of our children. The first time was during our wedding. He has never been emotional, so when he was visibly emotional at one point during our talk, it touched me in an unexpected way. He trusted me enough to show emotion and be vulnerable.

He asked me if I sincerely cared about how he was feeling? I said, "Yes, of course." He finally opened up to me verbally, but he also presented me with that letter that I asked for weeks back. I have not opened it, yet. I asked him to write out everything that has ever bothered him during our marriage. I wanted him to dig deep.

I found out what has been bothering him. When he revealed the motivation behind all of his sudden behaviour, I remembered why this time of year is a challenge for him. He has always acted a certain way around this time of year, and it is with good reason. "Anniversary reaction" is a simple way to sum it up. He explained what triggered it. When you grieve or when something causes you pain, the brain takes snapshots of everything. The time on a clock/watch, the date on a calendar, the smell of something significant, and each of these things can be a trigger. He encountered three of the triggers on Wednesday, and the actual date is approaching. Add the emotional volatility of our marriage, the anniversary reaction, and it was the makings of a disaster. I only wish I had picked up on it sooner. Now that I know, I can be there for him.

He used to spend the time alone around this time of year. A state of valid reflection and pensiveness. It is not regression. It is kind of like revisiting those feelings and realising how far one has come since then. I asked him if he needed us to leave for the weekend, and he said no because he wanted to spend the weekend with the three most important people to him. He tried to apologise for his behaviour and for the way he lashed out, but I stopped him. He has nothing to apologise for. When I am hurting I lash out, say hurtful things, and want people to feel what I feel, and I do not always want to talk about it. Misery loves company. I also isolate like he did. His best friend knew what was going on, which is why he turned to him Thursday night.

I have been so worried about all that is going on that I was no longer in tune with him and forgot something terribly important. I just held him and provided comfort. He said he felt better after talking to me.

We talked openly about his feelings pertaining to poly. I asked questions, but I listened to everything he was saying. The possibility of it truly bothers him and the idea of it being part of his life again is not something he is sure that he wants to live with again. I asked why he feels so strongly? He informed me that he got burned and has no desire to settle for a fraction of a marriage. He has been there and done that. If it comes down to it, he would rather divorce me and be done with it. He asked if I wanted the truth or just something that I wanted to hear. I guess the truth is not the easiest pill to swallow. He said some things about being married and still feeling lonely was not something he signed up for. He said that he was alone way too much. His words, "Sure I am independent, have my own life, but if I am coming home to an empty house all the time, I might as well be a bachelor." He also said that hobbies and keeping busy are not enough to fill the emptiness when the one person you want at that moment is out living another life and not there when you need them to be. I asked him how he has felt all these years? He was blunt and did not hold back. The more he talked the more I realised functional poly may not be a reality. It is a work in progress. It is not something I need to live and breathe, though. He is not ruling it out. He needs time and my patience. He can have that.

I realise some people say we are incompatible, but I do not see it that way. I cannot even say with certainty poly belongs in my life, so I am not about to leave my marriage on the basis that I may want to be poly and decide in six months that I do not want to live a poly life any longer. I will have lost my husband and my family. I do not do rebounds, so my ex would presumably still be that. I am not afraid to stand alone, but why would I inflict unnecessary heartbreak on myself?

We talked about his anger. He has issues stemming from poly and the way everything was handled. I already knew that, but I am glad he told me what things made him angry and what he continues to struggle with. It was hard to listen to, but there is no way to move past it without addressing it. We talked about the mistrust. As suspected, he is afraid to trust me. He does trust me to a certain degree, but it helped hearing him say the words. The good news is he is actively trying to learn how to trust me again. He wants to believe that I have changed and will never hurt him intentionally ever again. He is struggling with it. I asked if there was anything I could do to help? Continued full disclosure, transparency, and consistency. I can commit to that because it has been helping him.

I opened up to him in a way that I have been avoiding and dreading. It is a distraction to cry while talking to someone, but I was overcome with sadness. I dislike feeling vulnerable. He looked surprised by my candid honesty. I told him about how he has been hurting me and how his actions have made me cry. I told him about how deserted and alone I have been feeling. I told him of how I felt like he had reached the pinnacle of immunity towards my pain. I told him how I wished he would talk to me and let me into his feelings. I bared my soul. He wiped away my tears.

We somehow managed to lighten the mood.

Him: "You were crying because of me? Why?"
Me: "Because I love you enough to shed tears over you, but I am not sure you will ever love me the way you did again."
Him: "Who said I ever stopped?"
Me: "You did not have to say anything. Your actions spoke volumes."
Him: "Sweetheart, I love you more now than ever before. You will always be my classic song. Timeless and beautiful. You were that movie I had never seen, but I knew I would want to see it over and over. I knew my life would never be the same when you walked into it. I am still in love with you. Why do you think I am still here? Despite the mistakes, I am still the luckiest man, and I would marry you again. No complicated way to explain any of this. It is what it is."
Me: "Aww. Shut up. I have never been so sure of something before, but marrying you was the best decision I have ever made. I cannot figure out how you do it, but you make me feel like I am only woman alive for you. You are what I found and wanted but never searched for."
Him: "Is that right? I have some questions for you."
Me: "Uhh...okay. Should I be afraid?"
Him: "Nothing like that. All I want is a yes/no. Are we clear on that?"
Me: "Sir, yes, sir."
Him: "The lady takes instructions well."

He got down on one knee.

Me: *side eye* "What are you doing?"
Him: "I got this. I have something for you, but before I give it to you. You have to answer these questions." (It was 10 questions.)
Me: "Yes, to every question!"

He presented me with my newly resized engagement ring. Those 10 questions were the same 10 he asked me when he proposed the first time. He added "still" and tweaked them to make them fit the current state of our marriage. It was really sweet and heartfelt. I finally got an "I love you" out of it. Not "love you" or "you, too." We did not go straight to bed after our talk. We cuddled, and I fell asleep in his arms.

I am glad we talked last night, and I hope he knows that I am here for him. I feel like we might have had a breakthrough of sorts. Talking things out is much healthier. I feel better, too. I know it was hard for him to open up to me last night, but I am grateful that he did.
 
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That was really beautiful and I'm glad you guys were able to really talk. The truth is definitely a bitter pill sometimes, but some of those talks and bitter pills are what saved my marriage.

You're right, we get so caught up in how things should/could/would be and we end up losing the actual connection we were fighting for to begin with. There were definitely times where I thought I could never go through Karma having another relationship. That I never wanted to deal with NRE and empty houses and being lonely ever again. I can't speak for your husband or your relationship, but I did eventually come around to seeing it as something Karma needed and that in loving him, I needed to be able to allow him that freedom. I still have points of wondering if I really want to live this life. But being able to have those honest heart to hearts helps me move forward.

You're comment about him getting emotional really touched me. When Karma and I had our big talk three years ago, seeing the tears in his eyes is what convinced me to give our marriage another go. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him cry in our eleven years together and knowing that our marriage was that important to him was a real awakening.

I really hope things continue to move forward and you both continue to learn and grow together. It sounds like you're doing a really good job of it so far.
 
"... You are what I found and wanted but never searched for."

This. This! THIS!!!

Wow, you captured so much of how I feel in this statement. It happened once, and caught me completely off guard...19 years later, unexpectedly, it happened again. Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment with us.
 
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Good morning.

I love being a mum. My son has 50% of my genes and 100% of my personality. He is up and wants to play. I was hoping he would just lay between us quietly. Mini me does not like when people sleep around him. He was touching Matt's face, and he slapped him. It was hard enough to wake him up. I had to laugh. That is my petty match. :D Our morning is off to a funny start now.

I have to commend Matt for even trying to find a way to live with poly after all that has happened. It is clearly a struggle. For him to even be willing to consider alternatives means a great deal to me. We agreed on checkpoints. No mention of it unless he brings it up. I am more than okay with that. My ex is still not a warm and fuzzy topic, so I am going to be mindful of what I say around him. I know what makes him uncomfortable now. I am not sure he will ever get to a point where poly is even tolerable. I used the analogy of him supporting something like PETA but me still wearing my coveted exotic skins. (I just bought a pair of lizard skin courts.) The same goes for his mono beliefs and me being poly. Our fundamental beliefs may be different, but they are not enough to drive us apart. He is not forcing his beliefs on me, and I am not forcing him to accept another relationship or something that I know would hurt him. We have an understanding. I am perfectly content with leaving this alone and stepping away from it until further notice. I am still going to discuss my feelings towards poly on here and within counselling. Just limiting what I say to him directly about a touchy issue out of respect.

We are spending the weekend in Bournemouth. It is nice this time of year. Our neighbours are having their civil ceremony tonight. I am so happy for them.

I am off to get the hubby and duckies up and out of here within the next hour.
 
Wonderful, all of it. Good for both of you. I will say the only people who are truly incompatible are those who are unwilling to try and compromise.
 
I appreciate you baring your soul here to this particular polyamorous community.

But.

I must protest at your constant bashing of "poly." You, Si and Matt were NOT poly. At best, you had a mistress which Matt extremely grudgingly tolerated. He did not approve, he did not take joy in your relationship with Si. He seems to have resented almost every moment you shared with her, and abhorred almost every moment she spent in his presence or around the children.

So, I wish you'd stop characterizing the lovestyle of your past 12 years as polyamory. The definition of polyamory is loving more than one, with the knowledge and approval of all participants. Obviously Matt did NOT approve. Obviously you did whatever the hell you wanted without giving a crap about his needs or desires. You ignored him, didn't talk to him, conspired with Si without including him, et cetera, et cetera.

I wish you and Matt would understand you (plural) did NOT practice polyamory. And I just have to put that here, for newbie readers who may be on the fence and horrified at what you call polyamory.

When you wonder to yourself if you should ever practice poly "again," it's a false concept. You never did in the first place.
 
I appreciate you baring your soul here to this particular polyamorous community.

But.

I must protest at your constant bashing of "poly." You, Si and Matt were NOT poly. At best, you had a mistress which Matt extremely grudgingly tolerated. He did not approve, he did not take joy in your relationship with Si. He seems to have resented almost every moment you shared with her, and abhorred almost every moment she spent in his presence or around the children.

So, I wish you'd stop characterizing the lovestyle of your past 12 years as polyamory. The definition of polyamory is loving more than one, with the knowledge and approval of all participants. Obviously Matt did NOT approve. Obviously you did whatever the hell you wanted without giving a crap about his needs or desires. You ignored him, didn't talk to him, conspired with Si without including him, et cetera, et cetera.

I wish you and Matt would understand you (plural) did NOT practice polyamory. And I just have to put that here, for newbie readers who may be on the fence and horrified at what you call polyamory.

When you wonder to yourself if you should ever practice poly "again," it's a false concept. You never did in the first place.

First of all, my experiences are my own. I am not bashing poly. I am speaking about my own fucking experiences. I am sorry you have such a problem with how I did things. I give myself enough grief and the last thing I need is criticism. I have admitted that I should have done shit better. There is no one definition of poly. Obviously, I have the damn ability to love more than one, so your comment is way off base and unwarranted. I do not need you to post warning messages to newbies. If you had a problem, you should have PMed me. With that, I am done. Have a nice day.
 
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First of all, my experiences are my own. I am not bashing poly. I am speaking about my own fucking experiences.

Your brand of what you call poly was missing the "amory" bit as far as Matt was concerned. You may love him, in your way, and he loves you, still, somehow, but the first rule of being polyamorous is "communication, communication, communication." Loving isn't enough. Respect and actually caring about your loved one's feelings is needed or, goodbye Charlie.

I am sorry you have such a problem with how I did things. I give myself enough grief and the last thing I need is criticism. I have admitted that I should have done shit better.

Yes, so I am just agreeing with you. It is terrific you are finally becoming aware of your callous behavior. Better late than never. I also don't take Matt off the hook. He claims he protested over the years, was continually ignored and then he just rolled over and gave up. Somehow though, he finally made his feelings known! Why now and not 10 years ago, I don't know. I guess it's a Papa Bear thing. He handled it for himself by kowtowing to your selfish behavior, but once his kids were involved he finally roared.

There is no one definition of poly. Obviously, I have the damn ability to love more than one, so your comment is way off base and unwarranted. With that, I am done. Have a nice day.

I'm sorry, I just felt it had to be said, especially since you're constantly wondering if you could or should "be poly" again in future, with Si or with someone else. Since you've not really had experience being poly, imho, this is the wrong question to be asking. That is all I am saying. There is no "one twue poly" but somehow I think riding roughshod over your husband's feelings, ignoring him, and him rolling over and playing dead is not part of polyamory.

It's great you've making changes, I do applaud that, and wish you (all 6 of you, Ry, Si, Matt, Nanny J and duckies) well.
 
Your brand of what you call poly was missing the "amory" bit as far as Matt was concerned. You may love him, in your way, and he loves you, still, somehow, but the first rule of being polyamorous is "communication, communication, communication." Loving isn't enough. Respect and actually caring about your loved one's feelings is needed or, goodbye Charlie.



Yes, so I am just agreeing with you. It is terrific you are finally becoming aware of your callous behavior. Better late than never. I also don't take Matt off the hook. He claims he protested over the years, was continually ignored and then he just rolled over and gave up. Somehow though, he finally made his feelings known! Why now and not 10 years ago, I don't know. I guess it's a Papa Bear thing. He handled it for himself by kowtowing to your selfish behavior, but once his kids were involved he finally roared.



I'm sorry, I just felt it had to be said, especially since you're constantly wondering if you could or should "be poly" again in future, with Si or with someone else. Since you've not really had experience being poly, imho, this is the wrong question to be asking. That is all I am saying. There is no "one twue poly" but somehow I think riding roughshod over your husband's feelings, ignoring him, and him rolling over and playing dead is not part of polyamory.

It's great you've making changes, I do applaud that, and wish you (all 6 of you, Ry, Si, Matt, Nanny J and duckies) well.

I know I made mistakes. I want my mistakes to be a lesson. I am far from perfect. I could have communicated better. I should have listened to him. I should never have gotten complacent. If I had lost my marriage, I would have been to blame. I acknowledge that I was selfish. I acknowledge I was gone more than I was home. I admit that the balance was lost. I admit that my marriage suffered. I admit that I was wrong for how I managed the two relationships. His feelings towards non-monogamy are justified. I am not the spokesperson for poly. I am one lesson in how not to do things. The way I did things was wrong. If it can save someone from causing as much destruction as I did over the years, I am happy for that.

My mistakes do not change my beliefs in poly. I believe in it. I have for the past 17 years. I messed up on my journey, and I am trying my damndest to get back on the right path and remember that I did it right at some point.

I appreciate your opinion, and I apologise for how I took what you said. I can admit that I did practice it wrong for a huge chunk of time.
 
The definition of polyamory is loving more than one, with the knowledge and approval of all participants.

I apologize for hijacking your blog FoL, but I just wanted to say, thank you Magdlyn. This just was a huge eye opener for me. For a long time I thought the knowledge of all involved, was the one thing that separated poly from cheating. My own recent issues stem exactly from the fact that knowledge isn't enough. When everyone involved is not approving and supporting, it's not the kind of poly I want to practice.. Will muse some more about this on my own blog I think.
 
From 2000-2012, Matt and Si were cordial. Cordial is pushing it. I MIGHT speak if I see you, but if I do not, it is water under the bridge. That was their dynamic. They were NOT friends, were never around each other in more than a social capacity, and metamours in name only. To this day, they have zero mutual friends and no shared interests, so the odds of them running into one another while on the streets or while out is about as likely as a pig flying over a blue moon.

The first eight years of this poly journey were uneventful--relationships wise. I had balance then. I was working towards my career, so they both had to deal with seeing me on a limited basis. Si worked overnight and was working erratic hours, so most of my free time was spent with Matt. That was a given seeing as how we lived together. At that point, staying overnight was not an option. I saw her when I could and when time permitted.

When I found out I was pregnant in 2008, naturally I wanted both of my loves to be part of that joyous time. I assured Matt that she would be involved in a limited manner. Aunt/godmother type of deal. The further my pregnancy progressed, the more the idea of a poly family with three co-parents appealed to me. I cannot blame it on pregnancy brain, but I did not tell him what my vision was immediately. That was a huge mistake. She was at every appointment. Just like him. She was in the room when our daughter was born, too. Keep in mind that Matt was not friends with her so she was a virtual stranger. Here this "stranger" is sharing in intimate moments minutes after we welcomed our first child. He came to me and then her a few months after her birth and asked her to step back so that we could bond privately as a family. She agreed to do so.

Most of the time from my daughter's birth to her third year of life was uneventful. Usual parenting stuff. Matt's trigger came in the form of me telling him that Si had been given rights like a parent and hearing our daughter call her mum. I did not ask him. I told him. At that point, she was around much more, more involved, and they had formed a solid bond by the time he wanted to break it. He had came to me on numerous occasions before then and expressed concerns about how close they were. Reminding me of the agreement that we would be the parents went out the window. This was the true start of his resentment. This was the one thing he had been trying to prevent because it was not his idea of what family was. Despite the untraditional nature of our marriage, he wanted a traditional upbringing for our children. Traditional meaning two parents with opinions and views from loved ones being accepted. No veto power, no third parent...none of that. I will explain why it increased as time went on. They are separate issues that stem back to the way I handled poly.

Due to my decision to grant her these rights, it caused problems. Problems like him having to run his plans by her to make sure she did not have plans and possibly changing his plans because of her. He was cornered into co-parenting with not one but two other people. At this point, he was still fighting me and trying his damndest to stop it. He resented having to check in with someone he still at this point viewed as an outside party and unneeded parental figure. My mistake in this instance was telling him things that further infuriated him. "Oh, but she loves them like her own and just as much as we do." After fighting with me for a couple of years, he threw in the towel and said forget it because I was not listening and not even trying to compromise.

In late 2011, I got pregnant with our son. Most would think this was a chance to do things over and not make the same mistakes. I did the same things over again. She was at appointments, in the room when he was born, had a say how we decorated the nursery, and was given the same rights like with our daughter. This pregnancy was different because I had to have surgery in April 2012, and I was placed on bed rest from the day I returned home a week later until I delivered him on 30 June. During that time, I did not have dates with Si. I was on strict bed rest. I could only be up 15 minutes per hour. Matt was my support in every sense of the word. He took off four weeks to help me during the postop period. I did not ask him or her to do that. He did that because he wanted to. I later found out Si was envious of the time he spent with me during that time. There was nothing romantic about it. Naturally, I leaned on him during what was a very challenging time. I am sure my relationship with Si suffered from the lack of time, but my baby's health was more important than my relationship with her. The burden of spending time together should not have fallen on me.

This is the issue with time management and how I got to be a 20% wife. Before the birth of our son, she changed jobs, so she was able to be around more, which in turn meant she had more time for me and our relationship. She wanted more of my time, overnights, date nights again, movie nights, etc. From May to September, it had just been Matt and I in a romantic sense. We worked on our relationship and became closer than ever. We were adjusting to being parents again. I felt like I owed her more of my time since I had been spending so much time with him. Realistically, there was no way it could have ever been even. I was like, "My marriage is stable and going great. I am sure everything will be fine if I spend less time with him." I did not ask him how he felt about this. Very bad choice.

I returned to work four months after my little guy's birth, so it was back to crazy hours. I did a detailed schedule several pages back. On average, I wake up at 5:30, and by 7:45, I am out of the house. The time in the morning is spent with our children, getting briefed by the nanny, and talking to Matt in between fixing breakfast for the little duckies and getting dressed. Mornings are chaotic. I have rotating schedules, but no two days are the same. I might get off at 5:30 on Tuesday and 10 on Wednesday. With my unpredictable schedule, being a mum, and having two relationships that had different needs, I was pulled in too many directions. If you total the amount of time Matt spent with me over the course of a week, it probably is a sad 20%. I had to divide my time amongst four people, and for someone who says quality is more important than quantity, the quality and quantity sucked balls.

Let's say I got home at 6:30 and had a date set for 9:30 and it was an overnight evening. Average night would consist of showering, eating dinner with my husband and children, spending time with them, bedtime ritual, and squeezing time in to talk to him, having a glass of wine, getting ready for my date, and packing for my overnight stay with Si. By 9:15, I was out of the house and on the way to wherever we had agreed to meet. Somewhere for drinks, at the cinema, at a show, or wherever. Matt agreed not to text/call unless it was an emergency or anything pertaining to our children, so the nights were usually uninterrupted. She and I and did whatever was planned, and then, we would go back to her place or grab a late night snack. We were regulars at Vingt Quatre. Once, at her place, talking, bonding, cuddling, making love, etc. I would wake up next to her, take a shower with her, get dressed for work, make a Starbucks run, kiss her good-bye, and head home to eat breakfast with Matt and our children. In that hour or so, I had to eat, talk to Matt, sign off on expenses for Nanny J, and spend time with my children. Are you seeing how my time was divided? 40-50% of my day is already allotted to work. That does not leave much time because I have to sleep at some point.

Another huge issue was us conspiring behind his back. In early 2012, we had already decided that we wanted to move. We made it a goal for mid-2013. We needed time to prepare, and I needed time to complete my fellowship. I am now a couple of weeks shy of being done. Thank God. Anyway, we kept Si in the loop. She agreed to move. In late 2012, she expressed hesitation and was kind of straddling the fence. In a selfish hour, I did not want to leave her and have a LDR, so she and I made an additional set of plans WITHOUT talking to Matt. He was completely uninvolved and not part of it. This was wrong. When he found out, he went to the moon, came back, and visited another galaxy. We had purchased a home, started the renovations, secured new jobs, enrolled our child in school, and everything was set, and I asked him to reconsider because Si was not sure she wanted to move. He did not get the full extent of our calculated actions until after their argument in March. He went all the way off. The argument with her and the buried issues regarding parenting caused him to see red. He clicked like a retractable pen.

I made mistakes. It started in 2008 and continued to spiral. I could have gotten control of this. The way I managed poly was the issue. It is not poly itself. It is not that he did not approve of my relationship. It was that he was forced into way too many things pertaining to poly like the lack of listening on my part (communication), forced co-parenting (interdependent model ideal for me/traditional model of two parents for him), sharing holidays (my idea of family vs. his), settling for a fraction of a wife and marriage due to me being gone so much (loss of balance and shitty management), and all those things that built resentment in that five year span. It was not all bad. From 2000-2008, it was the run of the mill poly relationship. We did not adjust well to the changes in schedules, changes in needs, and different wants for each person. We all made mistakes.

So saying that the past 11 years of our marriage were full of miscommunication, selfishness, etc. is incorrect. The last five years? Yes, that is 1000% true. The past five years were more damning than the first eight.
 
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I apologize for hijacking your blog FoL, but I just wanted to say, thank you Magdlyn. This just was a huge eye opener for me. For a long time I thought the knowledge of all involved, was the one thing that separated poly from cheating. My own recent issues stem exactly from the fact that knowledge isn't enough. When everyone involved is not approving and supporting, it's not the kind of poly I want to practice.. Will muse some more about this on my own blog I think.

No need to apologise. I see that I needed to clear some things up, so I did a post that should better explain it. In short, the first 8 years were fine. It was the past five and once children were involved that it crashed and went straight to hell. It was never the relationship he had a problem with. It was how I handled the two, my choices, and how much it kept me away. 20% wife? Yes, that is true. That stemmed from piss poor management, bad decisions, and shitty communication in a poly relationship. Everything that happened could have been avoided.
 
I appreciate your opinion, and I apologise for how I took what you said..

Apology accepted. And I am glad to hear the first 8 years were fairly balanced, but sorry to hear that with the ramping up of your career at the same time as bringing children in the world coincided, you (plural) lost your way.

I apologize for hijacking your blog FoL, but I just wanted to say, thank you Magdlyn. This just was a huge eye opener for me. For a long time I thought the knowledge of all involved, was the one thing that separated poly from cheating. My own recent issues stem exactly from the fact that knowledge isn't enough. When everyone involved is not approving and supporting, it's not the kind of poly I want to practice.. Will muse some more about this on my own blog I think.

You're welcome! Loving is easy, but knowing your limits and listening to your lover(s) needs and balancing everything is where the work comes in, and the rewards begin. It's hard at first, but does become second nature over time!
 
For someone who says they're rejecting "labels", you seem to be knocking yourself out to get this "poly" label to stick. What happened to being "just me"?

Just wondering about that. No agenda required.
 
For someone who says they're rejecting "labels", you seem to be knocking yourself out to get this "poly" label to stick. What happened to being "just me"?

Just wondering about that. No agenda required.

There is no label for what I am. I am hovering in between the two. What label fits that? I am a hybrid of the two. My heart is poly, but my actions do not mirror that. For the time being, I am living monogamously. Granted, the argument could be presented that a mono/poly person is still just that even if they are single. However, that argument does not apply to me. This argument implies one knows what they want and still believes in it, despite the circumstances. I am not sure.

Neither label accurately fits. It is impossible to classify myself as one or the other, and I have realised that. I was pushing myself to be one or the other. It seemed wrong to be on both sides. "No label" is better than an ill-fitting one.
 
Label yourself human being and be done with it, I don't understand all the questioning on your blog when you freely admit to not knowing it all and trying to improve. Once again, good luck I hope you all come through it on the other side stronger and better for it all. I have personally been rewarded with reading your blog (and Matt's) and learning a lot from both. I appreciate what you are going through, whether self inflicted or not. Keep improving yourself and be happy in who you are and what you are experiencing.

I guess in the end we only get one ride through this thing and really the only thing we can hope for is to love and be loved and feel that we never harmed anyone irreparably. I hope you all find happiness and I hope that your journey continues to teach me and helps me to grow and not make the mistakes someone else had to suffer.
 
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