I apologize in advance if this gets long.
I'm still struggling with feeling really hurt after my last relationship ended. I'm going to try and explain things as fairly as possible, although I realize my hurt feelings may color some things.
I am engaged to a man, Derrick. We have no wedding date. We have been together for about 12 years, and started as two parts of a triad with another woman. A couple of years ago, I started dating another man, Calvin. Calvin and Derrick were friends and got along well enough to move in together while I finished graduate school in another state.
Eventually, Calvin got a job across the country, and he asked Derrick (and me) to move with him. Derrick did, and I was going to join them after I finished my coursework. So they were living in California while I was in Pennsylvania.
While they were in CA, Calvin met another woman on OKCupid, I'll call her Audrey. Calvin and I had been dating for about 2 years at this point. Calvin and Audrey fell in love, very quickly and very deeply. About a month or so after they started dating, Audrey moved in with Calvin and Derrick. I had spoken to her online the first month they were together, and met her a month later.
Unfortunately, our first meeting did not go well. The evening started out fine, with all of us going to a Halloween party together. It wasn't until later that evening when Calvin and I engaged in some public sexplay (with Audrey's OK, and at Derrick's request). Immediately afterwards, Calvin got up and went directly to Audrey to reassure her. I did not get a kiss afterwards... he essentially pulled out and ran off. This would have been hurtful normally, I think, but it had the added bonus of triggering some major flashbacks to some past rapes I have survived.
I was in a... nonresponsive... state as everyone went to bed, and shortly after I was left alone, I started panicking, screaming, crying, and eventually ran out of the house. I returned some time later (I don't know how long), and found Derrick in Calvin's room, trying to talk to him and Audrey. Rather than talking to them about the flashback and rape, I tried to simply talk about how hurt I was by Calvin's getting up and leaving so abruptly. Because of the emotional turmoil, however, it came off as me giving Calvin an ultimatum, and Audrey withdrew. Nothing was really resolved that night, Calvin and Audrey had very loud and passionate sex the next morning (which didn't particularly help my emotional state), and a day or so later, Audrey told me she was hurt by my not calling her that day, and talking to Calvin instead.
I left CA a day later to go back to school, which really didn't help the resolution of any of this, although we were all still trying to maintain the relationship... or at least I was.
Unfortunately, between graduate school stress and being triggered that badly, my academic life fell apart, and my family health issues did not help. I was pretty much alone at school, while on the other coast, Derrick was escaping into video games and his other women (he had three at the time), and Calvin and Audrey got closer and closer to each other.
I had a weird feeling about their relationship shortly after Thanksgiving - I began to have suspicions about them being engaged. I chalked it up to just being jealous, and ignored it for a few weeks. I couldn't shake it, so eventually I asked Calvin, and he said that Audrey had asked him to marry her a week or so before the call (but after the thought had popped into my head). I asked them if they were going to tell me they had gotten engaged, and they said they had not been planning on telling anyone, because they hadn't been dating long and didn't want to deal with people fussing about it.
Which to me is fine, but I thought, and still think, that as Calvin's girlfriend, I should have had a heads up somehow. But Calvin and Audrey say that it was none of my business.
Things continue on this very tense way until Xmas. I go out to CA for my break. Audrey is living there, the house is decorated with her things, love notes between her and Calvin are all over, and Calvin has very little time for me. I have to ask to spend any time with him. He does not spend any nights with me, we do not have any sex, and I rarely get kissed. Things get better for a night or so, after a lot of talking, but don't stay that way. While I'm out, I'm using Calvin's laptop, and while looking for some pictures I had sent him, find a conversation between him and Audrey where he states that she's his home, and her home is with him, and he can't wait until they have their own place where he can shag her whenever and wherever. I shouldn't have read the conversation, and in fact, admitted to doing so and apologized to Calvin that night, and Audrey the next day. Audrey thought that Calvin had told me to apologize, and so didn't believe I was sorry, and Calvin locked his computer and created a separate account so I could use the internet on it and that's it. I feel so bad for reading something I wasn't supposed to, plus being cut out of their lives before this, plus still having issues from the trigger and flashback, that I cut myself. I do not tell them about it, although eventually one of them notices the injury and starts lecturing me about how selfish that was.
I go back to Pennsylvania, and after another few months, things are still going badly for me, and I become suicidal. Apparently I posted a suicide note on my journal (I don't remember doing so), and Derrick called me. I've since read the note, and it doesn't actually mention either Calvin or Audrey... it's more of a will, where I state what I want done with remains and my possessions. But both Calvin and Audrey say that I was using the threat of hurting myself to punish them, and nothing I say seems to change that.
Calvin eventually stops talking to me completely. He doesn't officially break up with me, but I'm assuming that wasn't necessary for him. Audrey does talk to me some, but insists that I need to apologize for making them feel like rapists and abusers (I had told Audrey about my past abuse, as an attempt to explain why I was reacting so strongly and so badly to some things), and that I never took responsibility for anything that went wrong.
So currently I'm living with Derrick. His lack of saying or doing anything while things were going wrong has made it so our physical relationship is not going well, so he escapes into videogames and cybersexes one of his other girlfriends (eventually he agreed to not sleep with his other women until things were a bit more stable, but he hasn't actually done much to try and help our relationship that I can see). I can't seem to make him understand why his passiveness hurts almost as much as Calvin and Audrey's thoughtlessness. And Derrick wants a specific list of things he can do to make me "all better." He recommended buying Prozac off the street, and doesn't understand why that hurt.
I have no job, no money, and no insurance, so therapy isn't an option at the moment. I know there are things I screwed up in the course of things, but I wish any of the other people involved had even attempted to put themselves in my shoes during all this. I can't leave Derrick because I have nowhere to go, and am living off of his job at the moment.
I guess I just want someone to say that I'm not crazy for being hurt by these events.
I'm still struggling with feeling really hurt after my last relationship ended. I'm going to try and explain things as fairly as possible, although I realize my hurt feelings may color some things.
I am engaged to a man, Derrick. We have no wedding date. We have been together for about 12 years, and started as two parts of a triad with another woman. A couple of years ago, I started dating another man, Calvin. Calvin and Derrick were friends and got along well enough to move in together while I finished graduate school in another state.
Eventually, Calvin got a job across the country, and he asked Derrick (and me) to move with him. Derrick did, and I was going to join them after I finished my coursework. So they were living in California while I was in Pennsylvania.
While they were in CA, Calvin met another woman on OKCupid, I'll call her Audrey. Calvin and I had been dating for about 2 years at this point. Calvin and Audrey fell in love, very quickly and very deeply. About a month or so after they started dating, Audrey moved in with Calvin and Derrick. I had spoken to her online the first month they were together, and met her a month later.
Unfortunately, our first meeting did not go well. The evening started out fine, with all of us going to a Halloween party together. It wasn't until later that evening when Calvin and I engaged in some public sexplay (with Audrey's OK, and at Derrick's request). Immediately afterwards, Calvin got up and went directly to Audrey to reassure her. I did not get a kiss afterwards... he essentially pulled out and ran off. This would have been hurtful normally, I think, but it had the added bonus of triggering some major flashbacks to some past rapes I have survived.
I was in a... nonresponsive... state as everyone went to bed, and shortly after I was left alone, I started panicking, screaming, crying, and eventually ran out of the house. I returned some time later (I don't know how long), and found Derrick in Calvin's room, trying to talk to him and Audrey. Rather than talking to them about the flashback and rape, I tried to simply talk about how hurt I was by Calvin's getting up and leaving so abruptly. Because of the emotional turmoil, however, it came off as me giving Calvin an ultimatum, and Audrey withdrew. Nothing was really resolved that night, Calvin and Audrey had very loud and passionate sex the next morning (which didn't particularly help my emotional state), and a day or so later, Audrey told me she was hurt by my not calling her that day, and talking to Calvin instead.
I left CA a day later to go back to school, which really didn't help the resolution of any of this, although we were all still trying to maintain the relationship... or at least I was.
Unfortunately, between graduate school stress and being triggered that badly, my academic life fell apart, and my family health issues did not help. I was pretty much alone at school, while on the other coast, Derrick was escaping into video games and his other women (he had three at the time), and Calvin and Audrey got closer and closer to each other.
I had a weird feeling about their relationship shortly after Thanksgiving - I began to have suspicions about them being engaged. I chalked it up to just being jealous, and ignored it for a few weeks. I couldn't shake it, so eventually I asked Calvin, and he said that Audrey had asked him to marry her a week or so before the call (but after the thought had popped into my head). I asked them if they were going to tell me they had gotten engaged, and they said they had not been planning on telling anyone, because they hadn't been dating long and didn't want to deal with people fussing about it.
Which to me is fine, but I thought, and still think, that as Calvin's girlfriend, I should have had a heads up somehow. But Calvin and Audrey say that it was none of my business.
Things continue on this very tense way until Xmas. I go out to CA for my break. Audrey is living there, the house is decorated with her things, love notes between her and Calvin are all over, and Calvin has very little time for me. I have to ask to spend any time with him. He does not spend any nights with me, we do not have any sex, and I rarely get kissed. Things get better for a night or so, after a lot of talking, but don't stay that way. While I'm out, I'm using Calvin's laptop, and while looking for some pictures I had sent him, find a conversation between him and Audrey where he states that she's his home, and her home is with him, and he can't wait until they have their own place where he can shag her whenever and wherever. I shouldn't have read the conversation, and in fact, admitted to doing so and apologized to Calvin that night, and Audrey the next day. Audrey thought that Calvin had told me to apologize, and so didn't believe I was sorry, and Calvin locked his computer and created a separate account so I could use the internet on it and that's it. I feel so bad for reading something I wasn't supposed to, plus being cut out of their lives before this, plus still having issues from the trigger and flashback, that I cut myself. I do not tell them about it, although eventually one of them notices the injury and starts lecturing me about how selfish that was.
I go back to Pennsylvania, and after another few months, things are still going badly for me, and I become suicidal. Apparently I posted a suicide note on my journal (I don't remember doing so), and Derrick called me. I've since read the note, and it doesn't actually mention either Calvin or Audrey... it's more of a will, where I state what I want done with remains and my possessions. But both Calvin and Audrey say that I was using the threat of hurting myself to punish them, and nothing I say seems to change that.
Calvin eventually stops talking to me completely. He doesn't officially break up with me, but I'm assuming that wasn't necessary for him. Audrey does talk to me some, but insists that I need to apologize for making them feel like rapists and abusers (I had told Audrey about my past abuse, as an attempt to explain why I was reacting so strongly and so badly to some things), and that I never took responsibility for anything that went wrong.
So currently I'm living with Derrick. His lack of saying or doing anything while things were going wrong has made it so our physical relationship is not going well, so he escapes into videogames and cybersexes one of his other girlfriends (eventually he agreed to not sleep with his other women until things were a bit more stable, but he hasn't actually done much to try and help our relationship that I can see). I can't seem to make him understand why his passiveness hurts almost as much as Calvin and Audrey's thoughtlessness. And Derrick wants a specific list of things he can do to make me "all better." He recommended buying Prozac off the street, and doesn't understand why that hurt.
I have no job, no money, and no insurance, so therapy isn't an option at the moment. I know there are things I screwed up in the course of things, but I wish any of the other people involved had even attempted to put themselves in my shoes during all this. I can't leave Derrick because I have nowhere to go, and am living off of his job at the moment.
I guess I just want someone to say that I'm not crazy for being hurt by these events.