Confused now about what I want.

Sorry for blowing up the board this morning, but it's really nice to talk to you guys about things. :)

I recently posted a thread about how my wife and I were poly all along and suddenly I feel like I might be mono, but she's poly. She and I are in the process of trying to work out an arrangement that feels good to both of us. I have anxiety and all of this is really putting a lot of stress on me.

We agreed to these things:
1. She will spend the night at her friend's house once a week and that'll be her night to date or whatever.
2. She won't talk about details with me.
3. I said I wanted to be mono with her.

After talking to all of you about things and seeing all the different kinds of arrangements, I wonder if maybe I'm poly after all? My whole thing is that I don't think I can love anyone else other than my wife. She's pretty awesome. My problem with her dating other people was the idea of her developing an emotional connection to someone other than me. It makes me feel insecure. She ended things with the person she was dating recently and I have to say, I'm very relieved.

However...I've been messaging a woman on OKC for a while now and we'd like to meet. She seems cool and we have a few things in common. Well, doesn't that mean I'm poly? If I do this, then how can I have a problem with my wife doing it too?

Argh! I'm so confused.

There has to be a way to do this so that she gets her needs met without fueling my anxiety and I can explore things too. We really love each other and want to make this work and part of me just thinks this is a big bumpy part of the road we're going through right now and it will smooth out at some point. Neither of us want to be apart.

Strawberries, 48, married to Peaches, 28
 
You are monoamorous. You want one sweetie only... Your wife. Share love only with her. You have been really clear on that in your posts.

Is this okc woman a friendship you want to cultivate? Or is this woman someone you want to share sex with? You may be polysexual... Ok sharing sex with more than one. Is that the word you seek? Rather than "polyamorous" since you do not want to share love with anyone but your wife.

Your wife is polyamorous. Ok sharing love with more than one. You have trouble digesting this. How do you feel about her sharing sex with others? Does that trigger anxiety like thinking about her sharing love does?

I think you guys could talk more and sort it out between you before either starts dating other people for love share or sex share.

Maybe this helps some...

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html



Galagirl
 
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Nate identifies as polysexual. He enjoys sex with many and enjoys dating and friendships but he doesn't have it in him to develop romantic feelings for others.
 
Yeah, right now, the way I feel is that I would not be able to develop deep feelings for someone. This woman I want to meet seems really cool and we have things in common and we haven't discussed sex at all. I think she's poly and married, so I like the idea of someone who isn't so available that they'd expect me to be available all the time for them.

Yeah, I think I could have sex with multiple people but even that (gasp!) I'm having trouble thinking this way about women! I had no problem a couple of years ago having sex with lots of guys, but now that I'm only interested in women, I can't seem to do the same thing.
 
Something also to think about is it does take awhile to meet people. Way smaller dating pool means less likely to meet someone you're compatible with. The entire 5 years nate and I was together I either sought others or was open but never met anyone I wanted long term or could fall for until I met sam. I questioned whether I was poly or not at all. I also discovered once I was with someone who was comfortable with me having other partners that I didn't even really find enjoyment having sex with others.
 
Yeah it does take time! I think that's what I'm discovering...I'm not interested in just heavily dating people all the time...I'd rather just let things happen as they happen since I'm looking for more quality relationships and not just casual stuff.
 
There has to be a way to do this so that she gets her needs met without fueling my anxiety and I can explore things too.

Anxiety:
The key treatment for anxiety-driven psychological issues is to slowly increase exposure to that which causes anxiety. Not avoidance.

Example:

anxiety about clowns

Start by looking at pics of clowns and going through reassurance that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED just by looking at clowns.

When this consistently can be done without a full blown anxiety attack; then we look at clowns in a public place that are FAR AWAY.
Again-lots of reassurance and reminding that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

Then as this goes without a full blown anxiety attack;
move the clowns closer.

Repeat until you are in a room in a building with a clown.
Continue until such time as you can actually participate in a conversation wtih said clown and maybe share a hug or whatever.

Always with repeat discussion and acknowledgement that NOTHING CATASTROPHIC HAPPENED. That it was JUST anxiety.

The same concept can be used with ANY activity/circumstance/person/thing that triggers anxiety.

So-in your case, anxiety about her being with someone else. Start with the obvious. Her being with someone you are not anxious about her being with. Consciously addressing to yourself that it was FINE and nothing catastophic happened.
Then someone you are somewhat anxious about etc.

Or circumstance; if you are anxious about her romantic involvement. Start with knowing that there was a kiss. Keep repeating that until you are ok. Then address holding hands. Then cuddling, making out, sex, spending the night etc.

The key is to not avoid the thoughts or experiences, but to consciously choose when to consider them and to make it a learning time for you-where you experience it, acknowledge your anxiety, go over the details of what ACTUALLY occurred and the reality that your FEELINGS are JUST FEELINGS of anxiety-that they are not actually based in any REAL trauma or real problem or real anything.

Emotions=weather.

They come and they go and they don't always make sense.
We often give them WAY WAY WAY too much power over us.

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It takes some conscious effort to really acknowledge that in the moment when those feelings are flooding through you-they aren't necessarily based in any REALITY. They are JUST feelings.
It's ok that we have them-but we need to understand that often times our feelings are "false alarms".

Anxiety is our bodies warning system that something MIGHT be wrong. It is NOT an indicator that something IS wrong. It just tells us something MIGHT be wrong and that we should put some extra attention into investigating that to be sure. If the facts, if what is actually happening is NOT really problematic (she kissed him, but she still came home and loves me) then we can tell that emotion "thanks for the warning, but it's all good" and if we do that frequently we can train our body/mind to realize that it need not continue sending the warning in THOSE circumstances.
 
Anxiety:
The key treatment for anxiety-driven psychological issues is to slowly increase exposure to that which causes anxiety. Not avoidance.

Example:

anxiety about clowns

Start by looking at pics of clowns and going through reassurance that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED just by looking at clowns.

When this consistently can be done without a full blown anxiety attack; then we look at clowns in a public place that are FAR AWAY.
Again-lots of reassurance and reminding that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

Then as this goes without a full blown anxiety attack;
move the clowns closer.

Repeat until you are in a room in a building with a clown.
Continue until such time as you can actually participate in a conversation wtih said clown and maybe share a hug or whatever.

Always with repeat discussion and acknowledgement that NOTHING CATASTROPHIC HAPPENED. That it was JUST anxiety.

The same concept can be used with ANY activity/circumstance/person/thing that triggers anxiety.

So-in your case, anxiety about her being with someone else. Start with the obvious. Her being with someone you are not anxious about her being with. Consciously addressing to yourself that it was FINE and nothing catastophic happened.
Then someone you are somewhat anxious about etc.

Or circumstance; if you are anxious about her romantic involvement. Start with knowing that there was a kiss. Keep repeating that until you are ok. Then address holding hands. Then cuddling, making out, sex, spending the night etc.

The key is to not avoid the thoughts or experiences, but to consciously choose when to consider them and to make it a learning time for you-where you experience it, acknowledge your anxiety, go over the details of what ACTUALLY occurred and the reality that your FEELINGS are JUST FEELINGS of anxiety-that they are not actually based in any REAL trauma or real problem or real anything.

Emotions=weather.

They come and they go and they don't always make sense.
We often give them WAY WAY WAY too much power over us.

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It takes some conscious effort to really acknowledge that in the moment when those feelings are flooding through you-they aren't necessarily based in any REALITY. They are JUST feelings.
It's ok that we have them-but we need to understand that often times our feelings are "false alarms".

Anxiety is our bodies warning system that something MIGHT be wrong. It is NOT an indicator that something IS wrong. It just tells us something MIGHT be wrong and that we should put some extra attention into investigating that to be sure. If the facts, if what is actually happening is NOT really problematic (she kissed him, but she still came home and loves me) then we can tell that emotion "thanks for the warning, but it's all good" and if we do that frequently we can train our body/mind to realize that it need not continue sending the warning in THOSE circumstances.

LR, this is very helpful. Thanks for writing it out.
 
You're welcome. Glad it's helpful to someone. I know it was extraordinarily helpful to me to use that process! I am in school for psychology (but I don't want to be a therapist, I want to do research) but the information has been VERY VERY helpful personally as I struggle with anxiety personally!
 
Yes, thank you for writing that....I am working on my anxiety definitely and I have a therapist. She doesn't seem to understand poly stuff and has the attitude of "if it's so stressful, why are you doing it?" but she's really great in so many ways, so I hesitate to find someone else.
 
Yes, thank you for writing that....I am working on my anxiety definitely and I have a therapist. She doesn't seem to understand poly stuff and has the attitude of "if it's so stressful, why are you doing it?" but she's really great in so many ways, so I hesitate to find someone else.

Ugh. That is kind of like someone hearing you talk about how raising children is stressful, and telling you to just get rid of them!

Whatever happened to commitment and working on our issues?

Bleh. Damn disposable culture.
 
Reframe it and ask your therapist how she would handle someone who had a phobia about snakes and wanted to get over it.

It's the same thing and there are proven to work methods accepted in the world of psychology. If she has no training in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), she may be the nicest person on the planet, but it isn't going to do you a bit of good managing your anxiety.
It's important that a therapist, like any medical professional be trained in what you need to resolve the issue.
You wouldn't go see a podiatrist for a gynecological issue or vice versa. Even though both are doctors.
Likewise, there are many subfields to psychology and someone who is trained to do talk therapy isn't necessarily trained to deal with anxiety which requires CBT or vice versa.
 
So we discussed and revised our rules over the weekend. After talking with you guys I was able to figure out some boundaries that should work for now.

My wife says she basically wants a friend with benefits. I talked about how I'm uncomfortable seeing her before/after a date, partly because of my anxiety level worrying about how it went and partly because it's just not something I'm used to yet.

Here's what we worked out:

1. I'm going to date only if I want to.
2. We set aside Thursday and Friday nights for dating and she will spend Thursday at our friend's place. (friend is moving at the end of summer, so I have until then to get used to this)
3. We will shower after being with someone else.
4. I don't want to hear details of what she's doing, though I do want to know in general if she is seeing someone else.
5. We will not bring people back to our condo.
6. We both must meet someone in public before going somewhere private with them.
7. Safe sex always.

For me, the schedule is really the thing. I need to know when I will definitely see her and when I won't. Also for my own planning, I can tell people I have these nights open.
 
Those sound like doable agreements and you have a time frame -- til the friend moves out at end of summer. You guys can check in at that point and assess how the agreements are working out for each.

Kudos!

Galagirl
 
Thanks! Yeah, at some point I am going to have to get used to seeing her come home from a date, potentially all glowy and giddy and stuff. It's just something I need to work on.
 
You might have already done this, but be sure to discuss what safe sex means to each of you. Some people are comfortable not using barriers for oral sex, others have far stricter standards (one woman in our community will not even open-mouthed kiss with someone she doesn't have STI paperwork on).
 
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