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  #161  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:23 AM
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Default Little different take

Although I have repeatedly explained the idea if "impact" as a way to determine if a person such as myself is secondary. I consider myself exactly that, secondary because my absence would have less overall impact on Redpepper's life.

Just now I also realized that there is a hidden beauty in being a secondary to her relationship in the way that I am. I am not tied to Redpepper in the traditional sense or the logistical sense. I am not the father of her child, I have no legal obligation for his care (paper work to follow which will change that). I don't have any financial entanglement with her such as mortgages, loans or even a shared budget.
Essentially I have zero external influences which keep me in the relationship...and yet I remain even though we struggled so hard for the better part of a year with the whole mono/poly thing and accusations of child abuse from her parents.

I am in my relationship as a secondary because I want to be in a relationship with her....full stop. I want this.

So despite my ability to simply walk away, I chose wholeheartedly to share my life with her and her family as an extension of my love.

I am free, self sufficient, healthy and in her life because of who she is and the belief that I am a positive to her husband and son.

Being a secondary means loving her for being her, for who she is and the family that surrounds her.
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  #162  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:32 AM
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I've tried explaining this to some lately...even wrote a blog post on this.

Gator is my primary and Tech is my secondary. Not that I'm unwilling to have them both as primary. It's mostly a situation thing that they both aren't primary.

Primary doesn't really mean to me that I love one of them more than the other. If Tech and I felt free to let out relationship reach its potential, or if he took steps to endure we could, things would be different.

But as to definitions....I feel primary to me is someone who has not only committed to love me but to build a life with me. Someone I have meshed all aspects of my life with. Finances and living together are major components of that.

I have that with Gator and I do not with Tech.

I'm not sure I explained this well but hopefully you get at least a glimpse of what I mean.
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  #163  
Old 05-06-2010, 06:21 AM
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Mon-I do so love the way you write.

Ourquad-makes sense to me.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-06-2010 at 01:40 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #164  
Old 05-06-2010, 06:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
But as to definitions....I feel primary to me is someone who has not only committed to love me but to build a life with me. Someone I have meshed all aspects of my life with. Finances and living together are major components of that.
That seems like a really good way to put it. Outside of my marriage, I don't have any desire to combine finances, living arrangements, or child care with anyone. And I'm quite sure the person with whom I share a joint account would not be willing to open that account to another person, or share the house whose mortgage he pays. And considering he got a vasectomy three weeks ago, I'm quite sure he has no desire to become involved with anyone else's kids!!

So anyone else I become involved with will not receive the level of commitment required to maintain those kinds of living arrangements. That seems to make them "secondary" but I don't think it makes them second-class.

To me, it seems that secondary refers more to what I'm able to give them than their inherent status as person. Second-class sounds like a personal status.
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  #165  
Old 05-06-2010, 06:56 AM
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Being that I am a neophyte my opinion doesn't really amount to a hill of beans but the way I define my relationships and the reasons I do so are as follows: myself and P are primaries because our relationship is longer, time/crisis tested, we share all domestic trappings and he is the father of my 4 children; myself and 2R are secondaries to eachother because of the above reasons. My love for 2R is a different story...I am definitely more emotionally, intellectually and sexually connected to 2R. Maybe this is NRE talking but he hit me like lightening and I turned my life upside down to make this relationship work...never had that feeling before-EVER! I have no doubt we would have children together if our timing was a bit better but alas not in the cards. My relationship with KT is that we are secondary in a platonic but significant friendship. We are learning to care for eachother...trust is still an issue, but I have no doubt this is moving towards a sisterly vibe. I appreciate her courage in letting me into her life, and I hope with sincere optimism that the friction will ease. 2R always says we should each move a step toward eachother when it comes to relating. We'll see how it all plays out and how the labels and definitions evolve.
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  #166  
Old 05-06-2010, 07:24 AM
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For me it's become very simple. Who I spend more time with is who is primary... they are kind of my primary concern whereas anyone else is not as primary unless I am with them in the moment and then they are primary. Because I really like to make sure my attention is on who I am with as much as I can. I have no use for secondary I don't think...
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  #167  
Old 05-06-2010, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Outside of my marriage, I don't have any desire to combine finances, living arrangements, or child care with anyone.
I don't have any desire to combine finances, living arrangemnts or child care with anyone at all, and because of that, I don't really consider myself to have a primary. My status is single, but with 4 lovers. I am either the primary or secondary for each of them.

Charles has Holland and I consider her to be his primary and I am his secondary. Charles and Holland have begun to combine their finances and they have more of a co-dependent approach to one another.

This is another way I would view a primary. When a minor crisis happens and you need help, who do you call first? (assuming that all of your lovers are equally capable of assisting) That might be your primary???
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  #168  
Old 05-07-2010, 03:26 AM
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I consider both M and GG primaries.

We all share finances.

We are all on the bank account for bills and for savings (we do all have our own savings accounts as well-but they are all empty at the moment).

We all share parenting duties to the 4 children who are all ours in one way or another.

We all share responsibility to the house-though only M and I own it legally.

I also love both of them from the depths of my soul. I don't see how love can be MEASURED-the more I think on it. So I can't say "equally" or "unequally" because the truth is-I just LOVE them-no idea what the measurement for love would be.
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  #169  
Old 05-07-2010, 03:31 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

I also love both of them from the depths of my soul. I don't see how love can be MEASURED-the more I think on it. So I can't say "equally" or "unequally" because the truth is-I just LOVE them-no idea what the measurement for love would be.
Very true. I hate the terms personally but if I had to use them my above explanation covers it I think.
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  #170  
Old 05-07-2010, 05:05 AM
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Ok... what's a neophyte?

Maca says, "oh I've heard of that."
and my sister says, "I don't know how to explain it."

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