Well, you put your foot down and asked him to make up his mind and CHOOSE finally.
That part was good. I am glad you did this! Stop the wishy washy on that point at least.
When he gave his answer of "Not Greenjade" you wobbled. It does not matter if it is to go off to be alone to think, be alone permanently, or go off to be with her. How it affects you either way? It is "Not Greenjade right now."
Sounds like that answer wigged you out a bit. I know that's hard to digest/accept and not the answer you hoped for.
But having him hang around some more? Be leery that you could be in the bargaining place with that choice. (If he isn't picking her, I rather be be with me then until he decides who to be with.)
Your suffering might not end there. You may find yourself wondering when he's going to bail on you next since he's bailed already.
On his end, he may grow resentful that he made a choice for himself and then rengeged on himself. And could direct that resentment at your head rather than at his own decision making process and wishy washy.
Is a 3-6 month trial separation for both of you to collect your emotions again
really so bad? So you can then make life changing decisions from a cooler place of mind and not all het up? Whether the decision is to break apart or do the work of repairs so you can stay together?
You could benefit perhaps from knowing you can make it on your own -- that alone isn't so bad.
He could benefit perhaps from knowing what it is to MISS YOU. When he says and does things that hurt and take you for granted because
"he knows our relationship works" -- that's not cool.
I am concerned when you say this that you really are talking about
you.
I think he is scared to walk away from us, because he'll end up feeling like he is now, but with the women in different places.
I could be wrong. But could that be reframed as
"I think I am scared for him to walk away from us. Because I will end up feeling like I am now, but alone."
Is that where you are at emotionally now?
You mention
living in an isolated way since moving to new town, not socializing much, not having friends other than through the kids, no lifelong friends to unload on, and not able to talk to your mom.
You mention your willing to do things you
"would rather do than lose him and be alone" I get that it is scary to think of a future that is different than the future you originally planned for your life.
But remember
you felt this too:
I think I might be done, I'm hurting too much. I'm thinking about telling him he can just have her... When I think about telling him, this calm/numbness washes over me.
In the alphabet soup of emotions you might be feeling day to day or even hour to hour? Could go toward the choices that bring you calm feelings. Not choices that bring you more het up crazy stuff. Feelings sometimes make no sense -- and sometimes are serving as a guide. Could listen.
Asking him to stay from fear of being alone? While initially relieving because you are not yet alone?
That's still not him picking "Be with Greenjade" from the beginning.
That's him picking "Not Greenjade" and then "letting myself be persuaded to stay."
I cannot know his intentions with choosing to leave and then staying. But it could be things like
- He's a wishy washy guy who cannot make decisions and he's going to ping pong before making a break
- He wants to make it so YOU are the one to leave so he can tell himself that he's really "a nice guy" that got a raw deal.
- he's enjoying all the drama/attention so he can feel "wanted" so much for ego stokes
- He's testing your "loyalty" to see what new kind of FRESH he can push for next since you have accepted and tolerated this much so far.
- Something else I cannot see?
It increases in "ugh factor" as I guess -- but even the mildest one of him being a wishy washy decision maker? It is still not "I pick Greenjade because I love her!"
You deserve to be with someone who JOYFULLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY wants to be with you even if their
other relationships in polyship are wobbling or ending. Not someone who is "lukewarm" about it. You do not exist to be the "back up plan."
Later doubts for you could start creeping back in. "He bailed on me once already... so when's the next time he's going to bail coming?" and the relief of the initial "Yay, I'm not alone!" will wear off and change to more worry/anxious sufferings.
Please be careful with yourself over there. Could accept your short term health is just full of suckage. Fine. So be it. Hard times right now.
Could focus on your LONG TERM HEALTH later down the road then instead. What is best to preserve your
long term healths?
Ok, He's chosen "break up with all." Since on your end that involves a lot of legalities? I would
encourage a trial separation thing to make sure that's the life changing choice. NRE drunk could be taken into consideration. So try it on. Be separated but not yet divorced.
As hard as it is -- BOTH of you get a chance to look at this situation from a place of cooler heads so you both can take a better assessment. Especially YOU.
Don't be afraid to shine a light in dark corners -- you've already done so much and come so far in putting your foot down and asking so you can KNOW where you stand. You know where you are at now. That's progress at least even if it is not yummy tasting right now nor what you hoped for.
Could bite shield and continue to process. Just do the job in front of you -- the job of looking out for your OWN best long term healths (Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual healths.)
With or without him. Maybe you want a counselor to help you sort?
Hang in there.
Namaste,
Galagirl