A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

SouthernGal, well, maybe the snow would be a reason for me to come visit YOU. ;) The blog thread is a good way of getting out the thoughts and emotions while they're somewhat formed, but not formed enough to actually talk about with P and/or M1 yet. I've made THAT mistake before, and if I'm talking while still working through all the emotions, everyone's fix-it nature tends to glom onto and try to fix the wrong things. Lesson learned - I get my ducks in a row first, then talk... THEN screw it all up anyway. ;)

Monogamish1 (I'd abbreviate your name as M1, but then it'd get ALL confusing!), thanks - I hear you on the support. It's good to have the blog thread here, since I feel that some of my issues to work through are more "mono" than what I want out on the relationships and discussion threads. Also, they tend to get worked out faster than I'd get replies, so there'd be a lot of, "Thanks, folks, but we got it," type of responses. :)

I'm in the same boat with trying to undo training from years of marriage. I still balk at actually calling my ex abusive, but the marriage, after time, was pretty manipulative and emotionally difficult. Between that, trying to figure out what I need out of all this (and the ups and downs over the couple of years in my relationship with P doing that), and the logistical nightmare of scheduling around three people, four kids, and various events (I know why LR has a family model - OMFG, this is hard without it!), it's a hell of an adventure. But the journey with P is a good one, so I grab my blank road map and keep going. :)

As for the Partner thing, well... it snowed again on Tuesday. At least it was fluffier this time. :p P was here, and we shoveled, walked in the snow down to the corner store, waved at the plow guy (and he plowed out the end of our driveway - sweet!), and it was just plain old NICE to have him there to help (and fun to do it together). We began having the difficult conversation - I wished he'd been here on Sunday, during that storm. He wanted to be here too. I'd told him that I'd been chewing on that a couple days, that it's tough to think of him as my partner, yet inaccessible when I want to lean on him (or do anything with him) on the days he's with M1.

He said he understood in a way - that his ex-wife used to depend on him to do all the shoveling, taking care of the horses, etc., while she stayed in bed or ate devil dogs or whatever. That he felt he should be able to depend on her, but couldn't. He didn't have a fix for me, but said he understood the emotions, and we hugged, and I cried (and felt kind of weird about him comparing himself to his ex-wife), and we went back inside and watched Doctor Who and smoked some hookah while I processed it all.

I fired off an email two days ago, after getting my thoughts in order - no expectations, no need to DO anything, just to get my thoughts out. It was a bit more ordered than my previous post here. I know I don't want to rethink our relationship yet - I have work to do in defining what it is that being/having a partner means to me, but I owned up to that, owned up to the fact that my expectations/wants don't always mesh with what is reality, and that when he's not here for me in some way (phone call, able to help), it's tough to reconcile his being my "partner" with him choosing to not be here.

I also owned up to the resentment toward M1 when this happens. Basically, she's the embodiment of why he's not here, and she makes a real easy scapegoat, emotionally. I know it's not fair, but that's where the emotions go first, and then I have to process it all and put them where they belong.

I don't like admitting that to P, since he gets protective of us, and I don't want to invoke that protective response toward her and against me.

However, we've been through enough of these discussions & moments that he understood. The emotions are what they are, and he thought that the "what does partner mean to me" discussion would be a good one. No fighting, no accusations, no thinking I'm a raging bitch for feeling the way I do. It was a good emotional dump, and now we work on finding a way to better get through it the next time it happens.

Onward and upward. Today is my Xmas shopping day. I have the kids with me tomorrow through Christmas morning, so this is my last opportunity to shop for them without them being around. Nothing like waiting 'til the last minute. :)

If I don't post for a few days, have a wonderful holiday season. We'll be celebrating Yule, Christmas, and the New Year (taking the kids to our annual NYE hockey game with indoor fireworks :) ) - I hope you all have great times with your loved ones (and that you get to relax and enjoy it)!
 
I've only been able to skim your latest posts but I have to tell you a lot of it sounds familiar. Even though I have the independence thing down cold - perhaps even too independent - so many questions you pose resonate. I have proven to for years that I can take care of myself very well but I made room in my life to love him, to allow him to depend on me and omg even me to depend on him. I call him my partner. But what is a partner? I live with him. We share a lot of my money. So that is a big chunk, but what about shared life goals, energy, creativity? He is more than a boyfriend but a true partner? Would I go into business with him?

As far as multiple partners - sure with enough free time I could have casual partners. But I don't want to dilute my fierce love energy. I know some insist they can love more than one with that intensity but so far I can't. And geeze, I have a big job, a commute and friends and a home and I seem to take a lot of self care.

It seems you also have to fight the temptation to blame - blame him, her, whatever. I'm in the middle of struggling with that. I'm pissed that I have to spend so much emotional energy coping with his poly. But then I have question that assumption, I chose to be here, and then the next assumption. It is getting possible for me to do it now without the emotional volcano. Wow I read you are challenging it too. If I wrap my brain around what this relationship is, accept it compromise, the next thing I know, I have something I never wanted in the first place. Something I swore I never would do again. Yikes!

I dashed that out, I need to run, but I was happy to read that I'm not alone. May the force be with us!
 
It was 72 here today. I dream of a green Christmas. lol

May I suggest you think of P in much the same way you would think of a boyfriend with a separate home a distance away? Before my hubby, I dated a man for 14 months that lived about 50 minutes away. He owned his own home, so he wasn't moving in with me and I need an excellent internet connection for work (I'm a remote employee) that wasn't available in his area, so I wasn't joining him. He couldn't be there for me easily, but I could accept that pretty easily. We broke up because of his jealousy issues, not because of availability.
 
Well, he *is* kinda long-distance, so that's part of it anyway. :) If I do get a particularly bad snowstorm, and he's 1.5 hours away, he's not getting up here to help, regardless of whose name is on the calendar.

It does work for some of it (once the emotions calm down a bit), although there are other parts that don't (like my wanting to respect his time with M1, so I feel as though I shouldn't call unless it's an emergency - if he were simply living 1.5 hours away, I'd still call to talk with him).

Shrug.

I dunno. We had a calendar swap due to our kids' schedules and all, so we have had a few days' stretch apart (although we did all get together with his family for Yule yesterday, which was really nice), and I will be looking forward to when he gets here on Christmas. It's difficult, but not insurmountable. But I do want to have that "partner" talk with him at some point (AFTER the holidays). It will, at least, be an interesting discussion.

Thanks, BTW - I don't want to sound like I'm saying "thanks but no thanks" - I just tend to think "out loud" a bit before settling on something. :)
 
Hear that sound?
It's that post-holiday-letdown deflating-balloon sound. Holy crap.

Four days away from P at a stretch, one day "on" (Christmas), and now two days away again, with another four-day stretch away coming up over new year's.

Keeping my eyes on the four-day weekend we have coming up after the new year, because this SUCKS.

Yeah, I know folks spend longer periods apart from their partners, LR especially, and I don't know how you do it. Although I guess one day (and a busy friggin' day at that) to reconnect before they go away again is probably not the way to reconnect after time apart.

I've got the post-holiday-letdown going on, missing P and wanting to reconnect another day on top of that, and my ex was being a complete DB last night (although he was trying to be "helpful"). Wouldn't mind just spending the day in bed, but I've got reviews to write, and since the office is DEAD, it's a good time to come in and do it.

I see P again Sat/Sun, with Saturday being another busy day ("Christmas, parte deux"). Looking forward to sleeping in Sunday.

Oh well.

I'm not doing myself any favors by going back through the calendar to see if we really did swap days fairly, or if I'm "losing" a day (which it seems I have, somehow). I start getting competitive again and pissy about losing a day while I seem to be the only one who cares. And then, I feel petty about it all.

The next four-day block is an even swap - P and I have four days in NYC following that, and it'll be some nice time away. Eyes on the prize, I guess.

I hate to be tit-for-tat, but if the only way to stop feeling like I'm being taken advantage of is to track the swaps a bit better, then I'll start doing that in 2014. Time for me is so damned important, and when I feel the pinch, it really sets off the emotions. At least, if I know what the hell we swapped for, I can point to it and tell myself to quit my bitchin' - that I got <x> days instead. Usually we're pretty good with that, but with all the swapping in October through now, I think we've all lost track.

Oh well... Apologies for the rambling post. For the most part, the days leading up to Christmas, Yule, and then Christmas Day were pretty good. Mom spent time at the house with me and the girls, and outside of one Ambien-fueled incident, I didn't really want to kill her. ;)

(Seriously, Ambien makes you do WEIRD SHIT if you're not already in bed when it kicks in. And she remembered none of it the next day, which made for an interesting chat...)

Still have to get Christmas cards out (I guess they'll be New Year's cards), and I need photo paper to get my pictures printed up. Oh well. If something's gotta slip, there ya go.

So... Busy busy busy few days, a big holiday letdown, calendar issues (and an impending "what does being/having a partner mean to you" conversation with P some time in the future), but a long weekend trip on the horizon. Just gotta hang in there.

Still getting the hang of "doing the holidays" as a divorced parent, too... I'm sure that's part of it all. Finding new traditions and figuring out how it all works.

Ah well... Onward and upward.

Hope everyone here who celebrates had a nice Yule and/or Christmas, and wishing you all a good close to the year. Here's to a good 2014! <clink>
 
(Seriously, Ambien makes you do WEIRD SHIT if you're not already in bed when it kicks in. And she remembered none of it the next day, which made for an interesting chat...)

Hope everyone here who celebrates had a nice Yule and/or Christmas, and wishing you all a good close to the year. Here's to a good 2014! <clink>

Oh yeah on the Ambien! Do NOT take until going right to bed. I've heard stories of people spending the night on the toilet because that is where they were when it kicked in. And the dreams apparently can be super wacky and disturbing.

<clinks YAH's glass back> Onward to 2014!

It's an even numbered year. It'll be better. I firmly believe this. :D
 
I have a friend who has held multiple-hour-long conversations while on Ambien, even attempting to do home repairs once! Yeesh... As it was, I had mom take my bed while I slept downstairs, since I didn't want her to mess around with the wood stove while "under the influence". Ambien and a hot wood stove... not a good combo.

As for 2014, let's keep looking up! A clink and a toast! Thanks, Opal. :)
 
Oh yeah on the Ambien! Do NOT take until going right to bed. I've heard stories of people spending the night on the toilet because that is where they were when it kicked in. And the dreams apparently can be super wacky and disturbing.

I don't now if he was on Ambien, but you just reminded me of one of my cousin's father who had fallen asleep while having a smoke on the toilet, fell off, and broke his ankle. Yeah, weird.
 
Well... Do I feel like an asshole.

Yesterday was a tough day. Like I said, one day to reconnect after four days apart was tough. Add to it the fact that our reconnect day was Christmas and it was a busy-ass day, AND my ex basically, in his own special way, sent me a few texts that just pushed my "you're being marginalized as a parent again" button, and that just made the situation worse.

So here I was, putting around last night, trying to distract myself with stuff to do, and doing okay, but basically feeling grouchy about the situation, P, M1, all that. I was in a bitchy funk, I guess.

Shoveled the snow (well, pushed it around a bit, since it really WAS fluffy this time), P called me, and we chatted a while, and then it was time for dinner. I get halfway through my plate and I hear a car in the driveway. Then the door opens up.

My thoughts were, "Is this P?! Or is this someone just walking into my house?!" So I walked over, yelling 'HELLO!!' (what was I going to do if it were an intruder, throw my brussels sprouts at them?!) and yeah... it was P.

All the emotional crap I was dealing with - all the hating of the situation - all the anger going here, there, and everywhere, and all my efforts to try to redirect it and contain it pretty much exploded into tears.

I did manage to tell him that just walking in the door when I'm not expecting him is NOT a good idea (if only just because I'm going to whap him with a log or something, thinking he doesn't belong here!). ;)

He and M1 talked at lunch... he felt awful and knew that the one day wasn't enough for me, and it wasn't really enough for him, either. M1 was more than accommodating, and she was all set to have him take the next TWO days up here with me. He basically had to say nooooo - four days apart sucks, regardless of which direction it's in.

So... all the emotions, all the anger, all the CRAPTACULAR feelings, and now I feel like an ass because they both just sort of surprised me with an extra night with P.

First thing I did (well, after prying my drippy-eyed self off P for a bit) was to text M1 and tell her what that meant to me.

Ugh.
It's so damn easy to be in a situation you don't really know how to navigate (poly) and don't always like (the time apart, the "big family" stuff), and vilify the people involved (M1). And something like this is just truly humbling and makes me step back and see that she cares too. It's not about her pulling him away from me.

So yeah. Humbled. And happy as hell to have another night with P. Better than any of the Christmas presents I received this year, to be honest. Although the fuzzy Cookie Monster pants and suuuuuuper fuzzy bathrobe come in a close second. :)

Will I learn my lesson and quit blaming and getting emotionally spiked? I dunno. I hope to curtail the blame a bit, but it's a response I'm going to have to un-learn, I think. It's easy to live in the reality we create in our own heads (M1 "taking P away", for instance) and not look up and see what's really going on.

And now that the brunt of the holiday season is over (except for more family coming over Saturday), that stressor will be gone as well.

P says he loves the right women. M1 really did something she didn't have to do, and I appreciate that more than I can say. I guess as long as he can consider my emotional self to be one of the right women (and sometimes I wonder), then yeah. I guess he does.

Okay, onward and upward. Wood stove is cranking, I've gotta get my butt into work for a couple hours at least (what a dead week this is), and do some shopping. Making a couple lasagnas tonight - one for the neighbor and one for dinner tomorrow. Mmmm... Lasagna... :)
 
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Timing is everything...

Timing. It really is everything.

In NH, vehicle inspection is due to be completed at the end of your birth month. I usually have time off at the end of the month, so last week (or rather, early this week), after I brought the kids back to their dad's, I renewed my registration and went for my inspection.

You see where this is going, don't you?

FAILURE.

I had forgotten that, a while back, the strap holding my muffler had rotted through, and P jury-rigged a fix with some fencing wire to hold that puppy on. Apparently, that's not a "proper restraint". Who knew? :rolleyes:

So I get to get the car fixed. Nobody could get the part until today. Well, sorta.

Snowstorm started early this morning, and it's supposed to continue through the night, leaving about a foot of snow (at least it's COLD, so it's the fluffy stuff). No parts and the roads are getting worse. I'll call the guy tomorrow and see if we can work something out then (if he's got the part) before I drive down to P's so we can go to NYC this weekend.

Otherwise, I'm driving down to P's with an out-of-date sticker (and the paper in my glove box that says why, along with the hope that anyone who pulls me over isn't a jerk about it).

Wheeeeeee!

Four days apart from P again, then four days on our trip. When return, there should be another cord of wood waiting for us to stack. I really cut it close with this cord - I've got maybe a day's worth left, and I have a day left in the house before going away. I love efficiency, but that's really pushing it. :p

Still grappling with the negative thoughts creeping in. Had the epiphany last night (after a couple glasses of wine) that all that mellows out after a couple drinks. I really don't want to self-medicate that way to reduce the negativity, so I want to figure out what gives... why I'm all gloom and woe at times without the happy juice, and how to get rid of that feeling without it. There's something that it's dulling that lets me just be in the moment without dwelling on shit... how do I get there otherwise?

I think Mags posted something a while back about acknowledging the feelings, then moving on - immersing yourself in the moment. I have a hard time not dwelling on them and chewing on them over and over again, like I'm trying to fix them. Maybe I can't. At least, maybe I can't fix all of them right then. Maybe realizing that is step one of acknowledging them and moving on?

A good exercise. I think tonight will be a tea night. I've got lots of chai from Teavana that I need to get through anyway. :)

Anyway, I'm inside today (except for when I'm outside getting wood or pushing snow around). I've got stuff to keep me busy, and I even bought myself Mario Kart yesterday (okay, I'm still a bit of a kid inside) to play with when I get bored with crap TV. Also got my Mel Brooks box set that I should watch more of. Hope all you folks dealing with the storm stay safe and warm today!
 
Thanks, Wildflowers - interesting links.

Admission: My first response was, "Well, if I need something labeled 'therapy' to deal with it, then why am I putting myself in this situation in the first place?"

Then I went off and researched kitchens for my 1930s house for a while and forgot about it. Came back to it later, while shoveling.

What good does the anger and blame do me? None. So why the anger? What does my brain think it's going to do?

I suppose anger can spur us on to change a bad situation, or to right a wrong.
Aha.

In these moments, I feel that things are unjust somehow. That I'm on the losing end, and my anger is righteous anger somehow - I deserve better. I deserve more.

And the voice of my friends who ostracized P from their lives, who said the EXACT SAME THING, comes to mind, and I stopped.

Nope. Nothing unjust here. My own choices.

Why did I buy a house, rather than get a condo where someone would maintain it for me? Other than wanting my own property, and not a condo? ;) It was a HUGE symbol of my independence. Sometimes, I find that independence difficult, but I can't have it both ways. If I'd rented, or gotten a condo, or even a different house, I may not have some of these issues. My choice. My independence, the good and the bad.

My choice to be P's partner. I knew he was Poly. Didn't quite grok it all at the time, but still. And I continue to make that choice (to stay), because when we're together, it's wonderful.

Again. My choice. I made it. Who's there to be mad at?

So I shoveled.
Well, pushed the snow around. It's bitterly cold, so the snow really doesn't weigh much. And that was that. No negativity, other than cussing those little humps in the driveway that catch the shovel every single time. Puuuuush*CLUNK* Damn.

So, it'll be interesting to try this out (and see if I can get it to work, and stick).

Anyway, just got back inside about 20 min. ago, and now it's snowing like mad. Parked in front of the woodstove with a chai (which is too hot for my chilled throat) and I'm not shoveling again until tomorrow morning. Done.

And I think Patches is on the hunt for another mouse. Hopefully, the one she lost a week and a half ago. :rolleyes:

Maybe I'll go research some more 1930s bungalow kitchen colors and materials. It won't be a 2014 project, but maybe 2015, fingers crossed. :)
 
These days, I think of therapy as training in life skills. We generally manage to live, but most of us could do it "better" - get more satisfaction from it, create fewer obstacles for ourselves, experience less conflict. And one path towards that is being as aware as possible of what we're thinking and feeling, and what our underlying assumptions are.

I sense that I could head off on a long tangent here, without a clear sense of direction, so I'll stop. Anyway, glad you found it worth thinking about.
 
These days, I think of therapy as training in life skills. We generally manage to live, but most of us could do it "better" - get more satisfaction from it, create fewer obstacles for ourselves, experience less conflict. And one path towards that is being as aware as possible of what we're thinking and feeling, and what our underlying assumptions are.

And I think you're right. Too often, it's the day-to-day that's difficult to manage well - stress from a job, relationship stress, finances. After my initial reaction passed (which really didn't take too long - I guess you could call it more of a flare-up), I thought more like the above. Anything that can help be in a better frame of mind over the things that do and will happen is a good thing. Thanks again. :)

As for today, I think we're just going to leave the care with the mechanic (he still hasn't received the part), P's going to come up here, and we'll just leave tomorrow morning for NYC instead of leaving from his place, which is a bit closer.

I *was* hoping to go to Olneyville NY System tonight (best "weenahs" in RI), but hey. Getting the car fixed and then getting the heck out beats gorging myself on food that's bad for me, regardless of how enjoyable it is. :)
 
Well, it's been a while. Finally put "blog post" on my list of things to do (and finally remembered to look at my list when I got home), so here I am with a glass of Prosecco and the laptop after paying the bills. Yay, the glamorous life!

Let's see... the car is fixed (yay!), although the mechanic forgot what the car was there for and finally called me up the morning of the day I was going to pick it up and asked, "What's this car here for again?" <facepalm>

Still, he did a great job welding a new muffler strap on, charged only $40 for it, and I went back and got my inspection sticker for free, with one minor hiccup (had to wait til the next day, since they had to have the same guy inspect it, or it *wouldn't* have been for free).

NYC was nice. We found a place over AirBnB, which was tiny, probably the ugliest building in the neighborhood, but still a pretty nice neighborhood, so no complaints. We were happy to find it was within walking distance of the Trailer Park Lounge, and we gorged ourselves on horrible comfort food and drinks, then gave ourselves indigestion. Hello, New York! Overall, it was a nice trip (P found us a Burlesque show to see, and we had a great time), even with all the slush puddles everywhere. One hiccup - when we were walking back from the Burly show (intending to wander about and then hit White Castle, because, you know, White Castle), and P launched into this conversation about how M1's been doing great about the Facebook stuff and how we should all get together and talk about it again and blablablablabla...

And it just pulled me right out of the nice walk we were having, pulled me out of the "P and me" trip, and... boo. Yes, it's a good idea, but I was enjoying our "just us" weekend. The whole "let's talk about Facebook" thing felt like an intrusion. He noticed that I clammed up, I said it was probably best to leave the conversation until AFTER the trip, he thought I was pissed at him, I said no, and then we found things to take pictures of ("Hey, isn't that the Flatiron Building?! How'd we get HERE?") and forgot about it all. Groovy.

Lots of food, beer (Heartland Brewery was serving their Bavarian Black Lager, which I ADORE - and the logo is kinda fun too ;) - so we picked up a growler of it... omnomnom), and just fun. Until Monday, when we decided to head into the Bryant Park area (holds some special meaning for us) and get breakfast. Came out to a pretty hard rain, so no walking around the park, but... wait... IS THAT A BOOT ON YOUR CAR?

Okay, there was an f-bomb in there somewhere. At least one.

*Sigh*

A not-so-happy hike to the impound lot to pay the boot fine, then a slightly-better-mood hike back to get the car. Boot fine plus ticket = $300 for parking that day. Oh, and the $15 I paid for the meter, not realizing it was COMMERCIAL METERED parking. Hooray for vague signs. Not.

Eff you, New York. From now on, we're taking the bus. :p

So the trip was good. P and I had some good conversations about the "partner" thing and other stuff. No real epiphanies or resolutions, but it's good to talk about where we are in our own head spaces.



In other news...

P has a protective streak, which is kinda sweet, but annoying. I don't like to be protected unless there's a bear or an axe murderer coming after me. I will appreciate the protective streak in those cases. When my kids demand my time after a weekend I was away? No. I don't appreciate it then. I get downright pissy. Apparently, so does P when my kids get all "Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy come here! The cat farted! Come see!" and I go in to see.

And then I think that maybe this is how a hinge feels, trying to balance time with multiple partners (where my issue is balancing time with the kids versus time with P). I'd like to integrate them more, but my oldest daughter is still pretty standoffish with P, and he likes to separate himself and not interrupt their time with me when he's here.

It gives me a new perspective on where he's coming from, in a way.
Interesting to think about, and to find myself in that position.



In other other news...
I seem to be back in high school.

I blogged a while ago about a party for a friend's husband that went horribly wrong. This was back when P, M1, and I were still new at this, and I had no idea how things would go at a nighttime, adults-only party where we all attended together. I said, "Let's see how it goes."

BAD. IDEA.

I felt snubbed, felt that P gave M1 much more attention, and I lost it. So did he. The resulting fight (not near the main party, thankfully) was a horrible mess, not helped by the alcohol consumed before the late-arriving food. Oops.

Lots of communication mishaps (I texted P, "Can we talk?" - he got up, walked right past me without looking, and went into the house. I was FURIOUS. Come to find out, M1 had his phone. He hadn't seen the text at all, and went inside to pee. THAT was the level of miscommunication that was happening that night), leading to a fight, and a very awkward scene for my friend R, as she fielded questions from her friends ("He's with her AND her? Nuh-UH! Why does she let that happen? She deserves SO much better!").

Basically, P and M1 were both villainized that night. R felt overwhelmed by it all and asked P that if he is coming to an event at her house, that he not be there with the both of us. She didn't want to exclude anyone, but she didn't want EVERYONE.

P was upset. M1 was upset. I wasn't - R had been in my life since 6th grade and was practically a sister to me. I understood where she was coming from (she was put on the spot with no idea what to do, and I don't think it was right of us to put her in that position) and just let it be for a while. P is now rekindling a friendship with her. M1 hasn't spoken to her since, I don't believe.

So, now that the backstory is complete...
A mutual friend is having a girls' night out. Without me and R. Our friend LB unwittingly asked us if we were going, assuming we were invited, and we went, "What?" LB asked the organizer why we weren't on the list, and the "bad blood" thing came out, along with "well, I don't get invited to their events anyway".

Okay...
Personally? I don't care. Organizer is close to M1 and she's a grownup. She can pick her friends and hang out with whomever she wants.

R is worried that she's the cause of my not being invited, and was worried I'd be upset with her (nope - don't care).

And we haven't HAD events, so at the same time, I'm feeling sad for Organizer, because she's getting hurt about being excluded from events that aren't happening.

And then P gets wound up and in in his protective mode, and yells at me that M1 had better not get blamed for all this.

For all WHAT? I don't care. R doesn't care (just doesn't want me to be pissed at HER), and LB is all like "What?" In fact, a good thing came out of all this, since R and I realized we hadn't seen LB in a while and made dinner plans with her. :)

Jeesh. :rolleyes:

Seriously, though - if this is the only crap I'm dealing with right now, then life is good. Bring on the Prosecco.

Time to see if I annihilated that character limit... hope everyone is doing well! Later!
 
New Stuff...

So last post was the rambling catch-up to where we are now. This post? The where-do-I-want-to-go-from-here. I'm not huge on New Year's Resolutions, but a list is a pretty good visual representation of changes I'd like to make, or continue. Where I can, I want to have a nice, discrete measurement rather than just saying "do this less" or "do that more".

So here goes:

  1. Start running regularly again. I'd like to be able to run another half marathon this year (and hopefully get P to the point where he can run it with me). Probably later in the year, so we're not training in the evil humid months. Oh, and use the damn treadmill when it's too gross outside!
  2. More water/tea, less soda. Maybe just move to two glasses/cans of soda a day at the most. It's usually workable during the week, but the weekends are what get me.
  3. Less booze. It's easy to lay off the soda and then pop a beer. Or a glass of wine. Wine is especially yum, so I drink more of it. Probably not the best. Aiming to fall within the "moderate drinking" guidelines of an average of one drink per day. It'll also make the grocery bills cheaper and will help me get up to run in the morning if I haven't ended the previous night with a couple glasses of wine (or the bottle, if I'm having one of THOSE days).
  4. Ease off the Facebook and the online stuff - hard to quantify, so I'll have to think about this a bit. I just find myself relaxing at night with the laptop and then doing absolutely nothing. I have plenty to do, and I'd like to actually do it.
  5. Read more - maybe a book a month would be a good start. I hate not reading anymore, except for here and there.
  6. More veggies, less starch - combine this with the next one:
  7. More home-made lunches and dinners. I've been improving on this, but once in a while, I end up buying lunch at the caf for a streak of days. And the caf food sucks. Take the time to use more veggies when I cook. Cut veggies up as snacks. That sort of thing. The easy stuff isn't the healthy stuff.
  8. Quit winding myself up about situations with P or M1 or whatever - I can roll scenarios over in my head repeatedly, to the point where I'm doing myself more harm than good. Time to work on embracing that "feel the emotions and then move on" philosophy discussed a few posts ago. Once I finally realize I'm chewing a bit too hard on something, and actually apply this, it seems to work. Saw a good "inspirational quote" on Facebook this morning (yeah, I usually don't care for them all that much :p ) that said, "Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem." I need to stop participating in my own emotional roller coaster.
  9. Get back into learning the keyboard/piano. At least three days a week for 20 min to a half hour each. We'll see where it goes from there.
  10. Quit dawdling in the morning, before work (again, less surfing online) - get out of the house by 7:30, not futz around until I get to the point where I have to get my ass in gear and hurry the hell up.

Okay, THAT should be enough. I distracted myself and the wood stove went out. D'oh. Off to heat the house!
 
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Hurt my lower back a couple weeks ago, making it nigh-impossible to get to some of the things on my "resolution list" or even to get to some of the normal day-to-day stuff that needs to get done at home. Ugh. It's improving, but not there yet, and now the one form of regular physical activity I get (spinning classes) are now on hiatus until I can get back on a bike for 45 minutes without hurting my back even more.

Boo.

Time to become one with my treadmill and start walkin' (cue Nancy Sinatra music).

Getting out of my holiday funk (had way too much "together time" with everyone) and finally being a bit more friendly on Facebook with M1. When I've hit my limit of together time, I tend to just back off from her in person/correspondence after a while, especially since she's always all over Facebook and I don't really have any other way to get a "break" (*). At that point, it's time to curl up with P and look inward - to our "little us" rather than the "big us" - for a while, until that need to reconnect diminishes a bit.

It's what she hated when she was trying to be closer friends (repeated emotional push/pull), but now that there's no pressure to be besties, I'm not feeling as awful about it. Coming back of my own accord feels better than coming back because I feel badly about hurting her feelings. I'm trying to get out of the habit of acting out of guilt as opposed to acting out of my own reasons. Hooray for baby steps, I guess.

In other news, P is dating someone else again. She seems pretty nice, and someone I'd actually be friends with OUTSIDE of her relationship with P, so that's a plus. She's an old-school anime fan, so that gives her a bunch of bonus points with me. :D Her husband is dating M1 (and she is also dating M1) as well, so it ends up diagramming out like a square with a diagonal line between AnimeGal (henceforth known as AG (**)) and M1 (with the little spur between me and P hanging off one of the vertices). I'm actually looking forward to meeting her in person (so far, we've friended each other on FB), and think that when we do, it won't have that "meet the parents" feel that it kind of did when I met M2. Fingers crossed.

So... looking at more snow (some models are saying 15") for Wednesday, and P's arranging the schedule so that he can be here with me (as the reigning Lady of the Bad Back) when the majority of the snow hits, which I appreciate much, even though we now have a working snowblower. :) If you think scheduling a poly relationship with two differently-located co-primaries sounds hard, try adding two sets of kids and their activities AND snowstorms into the mix. GAH! Between the kids' calendar I share with my ex, my own personal calendar, and the shared calendar between P, M1, and myself, my poor Google Calendar looks like it exploded. As the one who suggested the calendar in the first place, I feel such a love-hate relationship with it at times, it's scary.

Such is life, I guess. It's better than having the same obligations, but not knowing what or when they are!

Okay... Back to work for me. And time to get up and walk around and loosen up the back some. Sheesh...

~~

(*) For a long time, I've felt perplexed by M1's behavior on FB versus real-life. She's an introvert in person and quiet (very quiet) in group social settings. On FB, she seems very extraverted - posting, sharing, commenting, etc. in very demonstrative, "big" ways. Back in the early days of our relationship, I used the words "over the top" and triggered P's protective anger for a bit. I still feel that way from time to time, and that doesn't really help my being able to relate to her. I know introverts sometimes feel protected online, in a way, like it's a social safe zone, but I don't "get" it, and it's just one of those things that makes it so tough to relate to her. Not that she's doing anything wrong... just that my perception is of two different people sometimes, and it's very hard to reconcile.

(**) I started to go with "AnimeLady" but hated the fact that it abbreviated to AL and would sound like a guy. :p

~~

Edited to add:
Writing down the above about M1 (the introverted IRL / extraverted online) made me think about it a bit more. I don't like feeling like she's being duplicitious (I'm pretty sure she's not), and figured I'd poke around a bit to see if the whole "introverts on social media" had been looked into before.

Of course it has. This is the age of the Internet, after all. :)

Found this link and a few others: http://introvertretreat.com/195/is-social-networking-an-introverted-or-extraverted-activity/

Nothing all that amazingly special or scientific about it, but this quote made sense to me:
In my opinion, social networking is the middle ground between introverted activities and extraverted activities. It gives introverts a chance to network with others, on a business or personal level, while remaining in our own comfortable world, and it allows extraverts to stay connected with the outside world at times they would otherwise be alone.

If I'm alone (snowstorm, for example) with little to do, I go stir crazy. If I can't get out, I'm online. I *need* to connect with people. So I didn't understand how someone who gets their "recharge" from being alone would want to be all over FB as well. For me, it's a (lackluster) replacement for in-person social activity. For her, I'm guessing, it's a very different animal.

We all see things through our own filters. It's interesting to read articles written from someone else's POV. Much like why I'm on Poly boards. ;)
 
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If I'm alone (snowstorm, for example) with little to do, I go stir crazy. If I can't get out, I'm online. I *need* to connect with people. So I didn't understand how someone who gets their "recharge" from being alone would want to be all over FB as well. For me, it's a (lackluster) replacement for in-person social activity. For her, I'm guessing, it's a very different animal.

We all see things through our own filters. It's interesting to read articles written from someone else's POV. Much like why I'm on Poly boards. ;)

I empathize with this. I think I'm 50/50 intro and extroverted. I have phases where all my communication was online and just happy, content being stuck in a bubble. Then at times, I get the stir crazy, gonna climb the walls feeling that I'm going to go crazy if I'm stuck at home (Fridays always does this to me).

When I'm in my introvert mode, I recall I was all over fb. Now when I'm in this mode, I just don't have the time to post but am still lurking around.

With strangers, I'm a huge extrovert. My kids get embarrassed that I'll just start a conversation with any one.

Sorry I'm rambling...just wanted to point out some people do have split personality tendencies with this virtual medium called the internet even if in person they only have one personality. :rolleyes:
 
I empathize with this. I think I'm 50/50 intro and extroverted. I have phases where all my communication was online and just happy, content being stuck in a bubble. Then at times, I get the stir crazy, gonna climb the walls feeling that I'm going to go crazy if I'm stuck at home (Fridays always does this to me).

When I'm in my introvert mode, I recall I was all over fb. Now when I'm in this mode, I just don't have the time to post but am still lurking around.

With strangers, I'm a huge extrovert. My kids get embarrassed that I'll just start a conversation with any one.

Sorry I'm rambling...just wanted to point out some people do have split personality tendencies with this virtual medium called the internet even if in person they only have one personality. :rolleyes:

I appreciate you sharing your POV, since it really threw me for a loop when seeing it in M1, especially when she's so quiet in group social situations (even with strangers).

I tend to be a little territorial too (I'd say "Yeah, duh, I'm Mono" but I don't think it's just being mono - I think it's just being ME :rolleyes:), so when I see M1 all over Facebook, especially all over P's stuff on Facebook, I tend to see it as marking her territory, which makes me both feel like I need to do the same, but aggravated because I don't want to do the same and it would feel unnatural to do it, so I end up bent out of shape feeling like she's planted her flag on Planet P, and I'm sitting off to the side, invisible.

I know from talking with her that she's NOT territorial, and not actively doing this, so I do keep just dealing with the emotions and moving on, but it's funny how different world views and different social interaction styles can cause conflict without ever meaning to.

The part of me that geeks out over psychology is fascinated with this stuff, though, even when it causes me grief. It's actually fun when I can put the emotional, personal side down and look at this as an outside observer. :)

Always an adventure...
 
It is so refreshing to see I am not alone. I am almost feeling forced into a polygamous relationship that I do not want to be in. I am straight monogamous, and he is poly... it is hard. He wants a partner with us other that just us. The other problem is the other girl, him and myself all live together, and I just do not know what to do.
 
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