I also started this poly journey with my current husband as a unicorn hunter. I had been in a poly quad (mostly hetero) in my first marriage, but that broke up. My husband knew nothing of poly when I met him, and I was discovering my own attraction to women, so we decided we would try to find a woman we could both date. It felt SAFE to do that. I think for many (not all) of these couples, that is a huge consideration. They feel it is important to maintain the integrity of their couplehood, and to not be "cheating", and/or think it will avoid jealousy.
After many years of looking, I realized that we were really doing ourselves a disservice by trying to find, like LovingRadiance said, that one miracle person in 2% of the population...
For me, our attempt at finding a "unicorn" felt like a "safe" way for us to explore poly and for me to get my poly needs met, AND my bisexual needs met. I always made it clear to both my husband, and to any women I did meet, that we were not always having threesome sex. My attraction to women was NOT for HIS benefit. It was for myself, and for her, if he was invited to participate, by both of us, that was a bonus for him. He never had that kind of expectation. WE just hoped beyond hope that perhaps there was a women who would enjoy hanging out with us both. It was a
fantasy....
I now realized that my attraction to women is present, but not as strong as my attraction for men. And, my husband, who has always had insecurity issues and preferred a one penis policy (not because he is a jerk, but because he was scared to let me be with another man because I might leave him..) is learning that my having another male partner does not take away from my relationship with him. It's kind of like phobia therapy. A little bit of exposure at a time...
I think it would be helpful to both the forum and individuals if they could be honest about their prejudices and why they have them. I spoke about why I'm hypersensitive about people who demand the family style of poly with lots of metamour interaction. There was a time when I categorically believed that anyone who expresses a strong preference, let alone a need to meet metamours was a complete control freak. Time and understanding has taught me differently but I am still wary of it because of my fear that a relationship that I develop will be dictated by someone else. I think it is wise to recognise the risks in particular relationship configurations, especially the ones relevant to you, but also acknowledge when your own fears and experiences are colouring your views and leading you to make assumptions.
London, I understand what you mean by this. Yes, making demands that a certain partner "has to" socialize with the family can come across that way. However, I wonder if perhaps these people are craving or desiring
community. I know quite a few poly people who prefer "inclusive" love styles, where everyone knows everyone else. And stating that they would like the new partner to be part of the "community" is okay, but I agree the individual should be free to decide how much they would like to interact with that community...
Ultimately, I think we can all "theoretically" know what kind of poly relationship we would like, until we actually try it. That is when we find out whether it will really work for us or not. I know quad works for me, just not with the people I was with. I know V can work for me, but may not work for my guys. We are still exploring.