Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

Thank you for the welcome! :)

I was hoping that maybe when I start college in May it'd help, but I'm not sure. I'm nervous that it's going to be a lot like high school. From what I see with the people my age that I work with it seems like not much has changed. They're still immature little boys and girls that don't know what they want and that liked to play drama games. :rolleyes:

There's a big city about 2 hours north of me where I think they have monthly Poly group meetings that I can attend, so hopefully that'll work out, but outside of that I'm pretty lost, hence the post. :D
 
Oy, what a familiar feeling! Hullo and warm welcome!

Do a tag search on 'dating', 'unicorns' and 'triads'. OkCupid is a poly-friendly dating site, I've personally had very good experiences with it. Also, I'm going to pass on advice I got when I first logged on to this site; 'Don't get obsessed as a single woman over the particular relationship-formation you think you need'. I was convinced I needed to become a part of an existing couple to have the Ultimate Poly Experience, that I needed to be with at least one woman, and that I was totally uninterested in anyone in the BDSM scene. Guess how many of those convictions I have kept?
 
Oh, how embarrassing. I should have payed more attention to what was right in front of my face post/sticky wise. I hadn't realized there was already something like this here~

Thank you, Black Unicorn!

The relationship possibilities are what I'm most excited about. :D
Weird as it is, BDSM came before poly for me. Though I've had an interest in both for a long time, I explored myself there more before even considering being in a threesome. Not that I hadn't had my fantasies mind you, but I'd never even considered making them reality until recently.
I'll have to check out OkCUpid and see what I can find through there, definitely. :)
 
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Ah, threesomes. Still have to wrap my head around those. Okay, slightly off-topic but are they really worth the effort? And would it be advisable to first have one-on-one sex with both prospective threesome partners before attempting to add more limbs to the mix? That would be my natural inclination, anyway.
 
Being Single & Finding Poly-Friendly Partners

Hey all,

I'm single and almost all of the women I meet aren't poly and don't seem to want to be. I feel like when I break my poly-ness to them they look at me as if I'm a horrible person.

My strategy right now is to date for a little while and then break it to them.

Does anybody have any advice for breaking your polyamory to potential partners?
 
Hey Firewater,

Keep in mind that polyamory has very little awareness in the general public. And half those people confuse it with swinging, open relationships, commitment avoidance etc.

So it's not so wise to go hanging this giant board around your neck proclaiming your connection to some relatively unknown 'label'.

I suggest just letting relationships flow & build until it comes to that eventual topic of commitment and exclusivity. And that topic will come up. It always does.
At that point you can share your feelings of ' not believing in monogamy', how you understand it to be unnatural and something with an overall poor track record.
Of course, then you must walk the fire line too. If monogamy is not for YOU, it's also not for your partner. So you better be capable of walking the walk - not just the talk.

GS
 
Be up front about it. I'm sure a lot of these women feel like you're leading them on by not saying anything when things are really casual. After dating for a while they most likely have monogamy in their heads (since that tends to be the default in our society).

Another option is to join a local poly group and meet people there. If you start working on building a social group of like-minded people the chances of meeting someone who you click with, who is also poly, rise dramatically.

Good luck!
 
My chosen approach would most likely to ask them quite casually if they are seeing anyone else atm, or if/when talking about past relationships, bring up how I encouraged my previous partners to date others while we were together, something like that. Of course, it's always safest to try getting together with people in situations which are by definition polyamory-friendly. MrFarFromRight has posted stuff of related interest to you, I believe.
 
If you do a tag search for "dating" or "coming out" you will find some other threads on this topic... generally speaking there seems to be a couple of more common camps of thought on this one...

The first being to be as open as possible right from the beginning in order to welcome and invite the type of partner into your life that would work for you... why go to the effort of dating and getting excited if they are not going to work out as far as the dynamic they would prefer? Telling them up front that you are poly and educating them means that you don't invest in someone that is not going to be willing to be with you in the way that is most natural to you... if they are interested it will be evident.

The second is the three dates theory... the idea being to let someone know after three dates that you are interested in being a partner with the person.. I guess this is to do with sex and commitment and that you won't know until having met the person once for a quick meet up, second for a proper date and third to seal the deal as to what their worth is to you and visa versa. Usually to have sex.

It tend to be a person who knows pretty much right away if the person is worth investing in... I said right on my dating profile that I was poly and tell everyone I meet that I am. At least I don't hide it. I am not ashamed or fearful any more and find that if I do this people who are interested or like minded gravitate towards me. Those who don't like the idea or are not like minded keep a happy distance.

I prefer not to spend time on people who are just too different, regardless of my attraction to them. Not that I am rude or don't hang out with them, just that I don't invest in them being more than an acquaintance. Hell, I've made some cool friends with people that are very different from me. But life is too short and my happiness, I have come to realize the hard way, is based on what I chose to do in life and who I spend time with.

There are lots of people out there to date, but if I spend my time on people that aren't suitable I miss the doors that open and miss opportunities to be with those that suit me more. Being open to all possibilities is how I met Mono and PN. I was honest from the get go with both of them. There were no secrets or info kept from either of them. Derby I met at a poly group... I totally advocate for seeking out groups of like minded people. That is the best bet if you ask me.
 
Hi Firewater, and welcome!

I just read your intro -- I'm solo and dating in NYC too. Of course my experience will be different from yours because I'm a woman and I would guess close to twice your age. BUT generally, I don't use any form of the word "polyamory" when I meet men -- it's just so ripe for misinterpretation (and I don't really like labeling myself anyway). What I usually say is that I'm "not looking for exclusivity right now" simply because the word exclusive seems to ring a bell with people, while polyamory just confuses them -- and I don't feel like educating everyone I go on a date with. I mean, I don't want to spend a whole night out talking about relationship dynamics.

Now, of course on the outset, if I say I don't expect a guy to be monogamous with me, this appeals to lots of men, probably because their first thought is that they're gonna get laid -- and I'm a looker -- but if they've been indoctrinated in the madonna/whore view of women, then they think I'm just slutty and into sleeping around and not relationship material. If the conversation lends itself and I get a good vibe that they're worth explaining myself, I then discuss more about it and how I would like to "cultivate multiple ongoing committed relationships."

Now, I know it is much trickier for a guy to meet women who will be open to this because most chicks have been handed that fairytale wedding to dream about. I don't know what younger gals are into these days but I would hope some are more open-minded. So try using words like non-monogamy and exclusivity rather than polyamory at first and see if they're receptive before you waste your time trying to explain it. I don't know if there's really any right or wrong way regarding when to tell them (first date or not), I feel that there's nothing harmful in going out a few times before talking about it, because you're still in the "getting to know you" stage, and if it's something they're not really into but they've begun to like you, then there's more of a chance that they might consider being receptive to poly. However, of course, it's important not to lead them on to thinking you're into monogamy until then. Dates should be about enjoying the person and the moment, not auditioning for a role you want them (or yourself) to fit into, anyway, I believe.

Also I've been told that other places where alternative lifestylers hang out are good venues for possibly meeting people open to poly. Look at groups or people involved in or into the arts, gaming, RenFaires, co-housing, BDSM, Burning Man, nudism, sci-fi, Unitarianism, intentional communities, ink and piercings, New Age and other "spiritual" philosophies, etc., where more free-thinking people will be found.

In NYC, I sometimes attend meetings at OpenLoveNY. Every month they have a poly cocktails get-together (drinking alcohol not required). I know of the meetings you go to (West Side, right?), as some people I know attend as well. There's also the Pleasure Salon monthly gathering for sex-positive people but be prepared for lots of really kinky types as well as poly peeps.
 
Good question. I'd love to know too. I'm not really a date kinda guy. I've never been into it. I enjoy cuddling on the sofa and watching a good film and all that cheesy crap. =P I get to know people over time and build strong friendships before I really love them. I guess it puts me back quite a lot. =P The closest poly group I can find is in another city over too. Which isn't financially viable for me, unfortunately.

I'm pretty much buggered for ever having myself a poly relationship. :p
 
Good question. I'd love to know too. I'm not really a date kinda guy. I've never been into it. I enjoy cuddling on the sofa and watching a good film and all that cheesy crap. =P I get to know people over time and build strong friendships before I really love them. I guess it puts me back quite a lot. =P The closest poly group I can find is in another city over too. Which isn't financially viable for me, unfortunately.

I'm pretty much buggered for ever having myself a poly relationship. :p

Most poly people I have encountered begin relationships in this manner. I haven't met (online or rl) too many that begin with sex first.

As for your location, that of course is a different problem altogether ;) :)
 
Most poly people I have encountered begin relationships in this manner. I haven't met (online or rl) too many that begin with sex first.

As for your location, that of course is a different problem altogether ;) :)
I think most people do see sex as very important though. But I don't put love and sex together. I prefer to have sex with someone I love, but even then, I don't require a lot of it to keep me sane. =P I really doubt many people would do it on the first date, unless it was something casual to start off with, or some other good reason they might have. But I prefer the love thing to come along, which always takes time. It also means you get to know someone a lot better and finding out whether they are really going to connect in an intimate/romantic relationship, or whether it is better as a friendship.

If they can't accept me as poly, it would hard to even have that friendship though. Whether they agree with it or not, they have to accept me as believing in it, as I would accept them with their beliefs, whether I would believe them or not.
 
I had a first date last night with someone from OKC . . . my second actual meetup with a guy I met online.

But I won't kiss and tell . . .

Well, maybe.

But seriously, I got an email that this weekend is a "free communication weekend" at chemistry.com and so I re-joined to check it out. Ugh, the pits. I un-joined less than 20 minutes later. I really believe OKC is the best I've come across for meeting people online. Even though it's poly-friendly, though, I am told it is tricky for most men to get responses from women, whether poly or not.

Regarding Firewater's questions, I think that when you meet someone, whether online or in the real world, if you are nervous and preoccupied with thoughts like, "Oh my gosh, how'm I gonna tell her I'm poly?" it will take you out of the moment. You'll be in your head the whole time and thus will enjoy their company even less because you're monitoring yourself and preparing to break the big news, and therefore will basically seem faraway and inattentive to your date, which will likely be less appealing than whether or not you're seeing other people or want to keep things loose.

So the trick is to have simple goals for a date: just enjoying someone's company, having a good time, getting to know someone, attending that new exhibit at whatever museum, hearing that music and turning your date onto your favorite band -- WHATEVER. Don't get all caught up in the dialogue you hear in your head about how hard it is to get a poly thing going. Bah! Relax, enjoy yourself, pay attention to your date, really listen to them, and be your real authentic self. That is the best way to attract someone. If you are compatible, and the person really likes you, chances are they will consider overcoming any "obstacle" to want to get to know you more. Besides, it seems to me that blurting out, "I'm polyamorous!" on the first date is sort of egotistical, as if you're expecting them to want a serious relationship with you. Just be there with them and go with the flow.
 
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