Giving it a try with a friend who has a mono partner - bad idea?

Recently I posted about someone I thought was a friend - but it turned out she was something different in addition to that.

A week ago I realized I'm biromantic (in addition to bisexual). I had thought I was heteroromantic, but last Saturday I realized, almost out of nowhere, that I'm halfway in love with my closest female friend.

We started as acquaintances (the past two years or so), had sex in October, and became close friends. Then... something romantic.

It hit me like I'd been run over. My train was on the friendship track, and suddenly it jumped to the falling-in-love track. I let my guard completely down because I (unwisely) decided that as a heteroromantic person, women were "safe" because I couldn't fall for them. My life has been changing so fast, and I only recently discovered that I'm poly, even. I feel raw and exhausted.

I told her. I was terrified, but I told her. She returns my feelings! She wants to be with me, too.

Here's where it gets awful.

She said she'd talk to her boyfriend about opening up their relationship.

He's okay with us having a romantic relationship but wouldn't want it to ever be sexual.

Despite them only being together for four months so far, she's very serious about him and him about her (this does concern me, but I'm trying to be supportive of her feelings).

Basically, he's insecure in the relationship. And because of his insecurity, we don't get to be together. Eventually (even months or a year from now) we'd want sexuality, and he'd block it.

You might say he seems conservative, but they had sex on the first date. Really, he's just being insecure and, to my mind, rather selfish.

It's so hard to know she wants to be with me and we can't because she wants to stay with him. I want them to stay together. I'm even okay with secondary status because I'm very busy. I just want to be with her, too.

It kills me that I'm asking so little - I want so little. And yet he's not even considering that his jealousy, his discomfort might be based on irrational beliefs. I asked her to show him the MoreThanTwo website, and she said she'd look it over and show it to him.

So now the question is, what do I do? She wants to be with me, but she's okay with things staying as they are. After all, she's acknowledged to herself her feelings for me for months and even thought of asking me to date her. She didn't ask because she thought I didn't like women (and god, how I regret boxing myself in like that).

But I can't put my feelings back where they came from. Now that they're out, I can't put them away and be friends like we were before.

Do I go away for months or maybe longer, waiting until my feelings go away and I feel okay being her friend?

Do I try a non-sexual romantic relationship with her on a trial basis, for a month or two, while they both learn about polyamory, and check in with him and see how he feels afterward? (I'm certain this would only deepen their connection and not cheapen it, as he worries it would.) Of course, I'd be risking deepening my feelings for her and perhaps (probably) having to break it off anyway.

What should I do?
 
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It feels to me like you're boxing yourself in again. You seem to regret not being able to date/spend time with her the way you could have over the previous months. Why turn down the chance now that you know it's there?

Yes, it sucks that the bf isn't automatically ok with you and she being together sexually (especially since you have been already, but that's just my pov) and might never be ok with it. But sex isn't everything. Since I seriously doubt sex is all you want from her, why not go with the romantic feelings you're both having? Do you really think not being with her at all is better than only being able to be with her in certain ways?

Yes, your feelings might get even stronger, and yes, it might hurt even more later, but as you said, your feelings are already there. You're absolutely right that you can't put them back in the box so it's already going to hurt if you try to cut yourself off from her now and try to transition back to just friends. Why not have some joy with her in the meantime? You never know what the future will bring or what will happen with her and the bf. To go with a cliche: life is short. As long as it brings you overall more happiness than not, I would say take love when/how it's offered.
 
It feels to me like you're boxing yourself in again. You seem to regret not being able to date/spend time with her the way you could have over the previous months. Why turn down the chance now that you know it's there?

Yes, it sucks that the bf isn't automatically ok with you and she being together sexually (especially since you have been already, but that's just my pov) and might never be ok with it. But sex isn't everything. Since I seriously doubt sex is all you want from her, why not go with the romantic feelings you're both having? Do you really think not being with her at all is better than only being able to be with her in certain ways?

Yes, your feelings might get even stronger, and yes, it might hurt even more later, but as you said, your feelings are already there. You're absolutely right that you can't put them back in the box so it's already going to hurt if you try to cut yourself off from her now and try to transition back to just friends. Why not have some joy with her in the meantime? You never know what the future will bring or what will happen with her and the bf. To go with a cliche: life is short. As long as it brings you overall more happiness than not, I would say take love when/how it's offered.

Oh my gosh. Wow. You're so right!

I guess... neither of us want to start this relationship if it's definitely going to reach a barrier to closeness. Both of us are very very sexual people and tend to enjoy showing our love (with friends and romantic partners) in a physical way. So if we know we can never be sexual, we're going to at some point reach a level of closeness and feel trapped there, and eventually it would become painful.

I suppose if we could negotiate to be allowed to kiss (at least without tongue), I could be very happy in this relationship, at least for a few months while we try to work things out.

I just... I feel pain when I think about being romantic with her and not being allowed to kiss her. I've wanted to kiss her lips again for so many long months that it would be really painful to continue onward like that (and probably more painful than before, now that I've admitted it's not just lust). I also know that in a few months, our relationship would call out for sexual expression.

I think he's boxed himself in, too. He's "certain" that he'd "never" be okay with she and I being sexual. How could he possibly know that? Things change, and people change.

I'm afraid to go into this wanting him to change his mind. But god, I would regret not trying. It sounds like she and I need to have another talk. :)

Wow, though. You're right. Thank you so much!
 
And because of his insecurity, we don't get to be together. Eventually (even months or a year from now) we'd want sexuality, and he'd block it.

You might say he seems conservative, but they had sex on the first date. Really, he's just being insecure and, to my mind, rather selfish.
...
It kills me that I'm asking so little - I want so little. And yet he's not even considering that his jealousy, his discomfort might be based on irrational beliefs. I asked her to show him the MoreThanTwo website, and she said she'd look it over and show it to him.

Read this back. Hear what you sound like? To me you sound whiney; like you're stamping your foot and saying, "I don't get to have that and you do. *whine* You're selfish.*whine*" Its not very considerate of his feelings, or hers. Sharing partners doesn't mean you get your way RIGHT NOW. It means having empathy, the ability to see the bigger picture, patience with peoples pace and learning curve, realizing that sometimes, you just don't get what you want.

Everyone has boundaries. This is his boundary. Good for him respecting that of himself. Now I think you should be respectful in return. After all, you are working towards a good metamour relationship just as much as towards a partnership with her. I woulkdnt be skimping on the respect if you want it in return.

If you think of this from a mainstream, non-poly perspective he might be thinking, "who the fuck is this person that they think they can waltz in on my new relationship and demand that they have a partnership just becase they feel all loving and sexy toward my gf." I think he's been kind to even consider it at this point. Cut the man some slack. He's giving what he can at this point.

Do I try a non-sexual romantic relationship with her on a trial basis, for a month or two, while they both learn about polyamory, and check in with him and see how he feels afterward
bingo
 


Read this back. Hear what you sound like? To me you sound whiney; like you're stamping your foot and saying, "I don't get to have that and you do. *whine* You're selfish.*whine*" Its not very considerate of his feelings, or hers. Sharing partners doesn't mean you get your way RIGHT NOW. It means having empathy, the ability to see the bigger picture, patience with peoples pace and learning curve, realizing that sometimes, you just don't get what you want.

Everyone has boundaries. This is his boundary. Good for him respecting that of himself. Now I think you should be respectful in return. After all, you are working towards a good metamour relationship just as much as towards a partnership with her. I woulkdnt be skimping on the respect if you want it in return.

If you think of this from a mainstream, non-poly perspective he might be thinking, "who the fuck is this person that they think they can waltz in on my new relationship and demand that they have a partnership just becase they feel all loving and sexy toward my gf." I think he's been kind to even consider it at this point. Cut the man some slack. He's giving what he can at this point.

bingo

Thank you for your bluntness. I appreciate that more than anything else.

"Read this back. Hear what you sound like? To me you sound whiney"

I didn't mean it like that. When I read it again, knowing how I meant it, it's full of desperation, not petulance. I realize why it sounds like whining to an outside observer, and I really don't mean that.

It's not about getting what I want right now. I feel desperate because I need to somehow resolve this or at least take some kind of action soon (even if that is just internal), because this is affecting my life in a very bad way. I'm having trouble sleeping, I've missed a couple of classes, I don't want to eat. Normally I'd be equipped to handle this, but it's all coming on the heels of a lot of emotional stress and I'm just feeling burnt out. I'm in danger of slipping grades and I'm desperate for a resolution as soon as humanly possible.

But I also want to make the best possible decision.

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling stressed, but I'm just feeling so frustrated. I would feel better if he just wasn't open to non-monogamy at all, or if he wasn't sure if he'd be open to sexuality (rather than just saying no, forever, right now). It seems so contradictory and I can't make sense of it.

I want to decide based on what will make me happy in the long term - without unnecessarily hurting others, of course. I'm afraid that trying something with her would lead to short-term happiness and than a nasty fall back to Earth when he just isn't comfortable with this.

I'd be okay with any solution that relieves this pain as soon as possible. I wish I could go back to thinking we were friends and not anything else. I feel weak that I can't just be friends with her without hurting.

I just want to be sure I'm not making a bad decision. I need help to make a good one.

I do hope I haven't made a bad impression, Pepper. I value anyone who can be this blunt.

I just feel so lost.
 
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No bad impression at all. I hear your pain. I'm sorry its been hard. Whining usually is about pain. ;) Just in grown ups it changes into grown up pain... if that makes sense. :p I'm whiny today because I feel yucky. We all do it sometimes when things aren't easy.. I get it.

I am not sure what this decision is that you think you have to make. Is it anxiety that SOMETHING is happening and SOMETHING could happen? I am wondering why there is a need to rush... which I mentioned previously in my last post. What decision do you have to make? Did I miss something. Sorry if I did.

This guy needs time I think. She isn't going anywhere, you aren't going anywhere, the love you feel (and she feels) isn't going anywhere. Take a breath, get some sleep, let them figure out some stuff and leave them to it for a bit. If I were in your situation I would do this last bit for sure as there is nothing more distracting to a persons process than someone that is coming on strong with their need to know RIGHT NOW what will happen next.

This might not work out for many reasons, but at least its a start into poly. If she decides that she can't be with you because of him then you will survive and will have learned something. Who knows, it might come around again. I am 42, I have partners that have come around over and over again who are lifers now with me. I love that sometimes I don't see them for years and then, they are their again. Still themselves, but having grown and matured and become more lovely than ever. When I was your age I thought that was it forever.... nope, things change with time and people change. I wish I had trusted that back then and relaxed, rather than allowing myself to disintegrate in pain and anguish over situations I was in.

Give yourself a break, you are doing fine in this. Take some time away from this and do some self care. The most important person in this is you and your relationship with yourself. Take care of yourself first.
 
This is a lot of "new" that you are all sorting out. It's only been a week. There's no way you're going to have all the answers yet about where this is going to go. Your love interest's bf has a lot to process. I doubt he knows for sure yet that he'd never be ok with you being physical with your love interest but for now it feels safe to him to say that he'll never be comfortable with it so that he doesn't get pushed to move faster than he's ready for.

When you're one of the people who's involved in NRE every little step seems to take forever because you know where you want to be. For those on the outside of that NRE I assure you that time seems to be moving much faster and that it seems impossible to keep up with all the changes that have (from thier point of view) come out of nowhere.

Give it some time, go with the flow and enjoy this new relationship for what it is now, without any expectation of what it might become down the line. Build a relationship with her, keep talking to her and her boyfriend. Things might shift slowly but chances are that they will shift. There isn't any rush, if it's supposed to be it will be. If it isn't supposed to be you have learned that you are biromatic which is an important peice to learning who you are as a whole.
 
No bad impression at all. I hear your pain. I'm sorry its been hard. Whining usually is about pain. ;) Just in grown ups it changes into grown up pain... if that makes sense. :p I'm whiny today because I feel yucky. We all do it sometimes when things aren't easy.. I get it.

I think I see what you mean. You're not meaning to trivialize the pain, just reminding me not to demonize other people or expect them to know things they don't know yet (and that I didn't know a year ago, even)?

It makes sense. I just don't want to be a "whiner," even if I do whine sometimes. Does that make sense?

It's going to seem weird in a week that I was so worried about the opinion of an internet stranger, but I'm really fragile today. Somehow I think you can probably empathize.

What decision do you have to make? Did I miss something. Sorry if I did.

I need to change something so I can function. Again, it can be within myself.

This guy needs time I think.

Do you think he'll actually think about this? I mean... from his perspective, maybe he's "won" and there's no reason to keep considering anything?

Is that, perhaps, not a very likely thing?

I guess... I'm struggling to understand this one view of his, so to me he could be an alien for all I know. :p Though I suppose I'm more the alien here, especially to him.

Take a breath, get some sleep, let them figure out some stuff and leave them to it for a bit. If I were in your situation I would do this last bit for sure as there is nothing more distracting to a persons process than someone that is coming on strong with their need to know RIGHT NOW what will happen next.

This is true. She hadn't responded to a couple texts I sent asking if I could broach a possible solution (the trial period thing), and I was concerned that she might be upset, so I asked her if she needed some time. She said her phone was buried in her bag because she didn't feel like talking to anyone (very uncharacteristic of her) and that she wasn't upset and a few days to soak it in would be good.

I'm sure this is messing with her, too. She's had feelings for me for months and thought I didn't like girls, so I'm sure this is a shock.

This might not work out for many reasons, but at least its a start into poly. If she decides that she can't be with you because of him then you will survive and will have learned something. Who knows, it might come around again. I am 42, I have partners that have come around over and over again who are lifers now with me. I love that sometimes I don't see them for years and then, they are their again. Still themselves, but having grown and matured and become more lovely than ever. When I was your age I thought that was it forever.... nope, things change with time and people change. I wish I had trusted that back then and relaxed, rather than allowing myself to disintegrate in pain and anguish over situations I was in.

How can I trust things I've never experienced? I want to but I don't know how.

Give yourself a break, you are doing fine in this.

This made me cry. I really needed to hear that I'm doing fine. Thank you. I've been trying to take care of myself but sometimes I can only do so well at that.

I feel so confused and just "give yourself a break" is... It's so validating. Thank you.
 
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This is a lot of "new" that you are all sorting out. It's only been a week. There's no way you're going to have all the answers yet about where this is going to go. Your love interest's bf has a lot to process. I doubt he knows for sure yet that he'd never be ok with you being physical with your love interest but for now it feels safe to him to say that he'll never be comfortable with it so that he doesn't get pushed to move faster than he's ready for.

When you're one of the people who's involved in NRE every little step seems to take forever because you know where you want to be. For those on the outside of that NRE I assure you that time seems to be moving much faster and that it seems impossible to keep up with all the changes that have (from thier point of view) come out of nowhere.

Give it some time, go with the flow and enjoy this new relationship for what it is now, without any expectation of what it might become down the line. Build a relationship with her, keep talking to her and her boyfriend. Things might shift slowly but chances are that they will shift. There isn't any rush, if it's supposed to be it will be. If it isn't supposed to be you have learned that you are biromatic which is an important peice to learning who you are as a whole.

This is really comforting. Thank you.
 
I think I see what you mean. You're not meaning to trivialize the pain, just reminding me not to demonize other people or expect them to know things they don't know yet (and that I didn't know a year ago, even)?

I am not meaning to trivialize it, no. Its hard to tell someone that they might want to consider if they are whining or not, lol. :D How does one say that without actually saying "you sound whiny." Maybe I could of said it differently. Sorry if I came across as sounding anything more than suggesting you have a look at that.

Yes, he is not where you are at and neither is she... it takes time.

I just don't want to be a "whiner," even if I do whine sometimes. Does that make sense?

Oh ya, I hear ya sister ;) :p

It's going to seem weird in a week that I was so worried about the opinion of an internet stranger, but I'm really fragile today. Somehow I think you can probably empathize.
I do. I really do. You and I seem more similar than you realize, lol. :rolleyes:

I need to change something so I can function. Again, it can be within myself.

Good idea. :)

Do you think he'll actually think about this? I mean... from his perspective, maybe he's "won" and there's no reason to keep considering anything?

Is that, perhaps, not a very likely thing?

I guess... I'm struggling to understand this one view of his, so to me he could be an alien for all I know. :p Though I suppose I'm more the alien here, especially to him.

The thing that I have come to know is that much change and growth happens for people when they are given space. In that silence there is more going on than I like to believe at the time.

Like I said about loves coming back into my life. While we have been apart, after things have blown up, I have discovered that they have thought about things deeply and have been just like me in that they are just as emotional and affected by the drama that has occurred. This situation you are in seems no different to me.

I have just gone through a break up where I feel like he and his wife have "won." Did they really though? Stuff was said that really hurt me and while they got some release at the time, did they really end up feeling better in the end? I doubt it. They didn't win at all, they lost me entirely. If things were handled differently I would of moved on with good memories and the satisfaction that we had our time, now I have sadness and pain. I don't think that is what they wanted for me. I like to believe that people are more loving than that.

This man, if he is empathetic at all, knows deep down that you are hurting, that she is hurting, that he has no control over this love of yours and that while he has kept it at bay for the time being, things will never be the same between them again. There is some grief in that as much as change. Love has a way of doing that to people.

He can put a halt to it, but she is changed now because of it. She has some knowledge of him that she didn't know before and needs to process how she feels about that. He is faced with some knowledge about her that he didn't know before that he now has to process. He needs time to do that also... the end result will be a change. There is no avoiding that. He and she could decide that that change is to see how it goes with you becoming a different part of their lives than you have been or it could be that the door is closed to that. What that does to their relationship and to yours with her is yet to be seen.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are overwhelmed with "thinking about it."

I'm sure this is messing with her, too. She's had feelings for me for months and thought I didn't like girls, so I'm sure this is a shock.

yup. :)

How can I trust things I've never experienced? I want to but I don't know how.

Yes, I get that... hard to do. I guess I am passing on some wisdom that is to keep in mind as you live your life. I wish I had heard it before. Take it or leave it really. The choice is yours. :) Use it to remind yourself on when the going gets tough if that works for you.

Example: When I was fresh out of university (23) I feel in love with my first woman. I lived in a small town with my parents and she was still in high school. She was 17. I loved her to bits. I would of died for her back then. I was beside myself with love and devotion.

Her dad found out about us and tried to run me over with his truck. She never spoke to me again and I tried to take my life. I was ruined, alone in a small town and had nothing but a huge student loan debt. I got through it....

Years later when I was married to my wife, I got a letter from her. She had been desperately afraid. Of course she had! I hadn't even thought of it. We started up a long distance conversation by phone and I eventually was compelled to visit her. It nearly destroyed my marriage, but I went. Her and I re-connected in a wild frenzy. I was about 28.

I found out that she was into stuff that I am not and again we had a falling out. I guess I came across as judgmental to her when really I was just concerned and confused that she would want to do stuff like she was doing.

Years later again I found her on FB and we connected again (I was 34). I went to visit her again after a love affair via skype. Again I almost lost my second marriage. Again I was bowled over.... Again it ended in pain. It continues to this day. We are very gentle with each other this time around and have a simple respect that we need to "not do that again."Ha, who knows where its going. I am just glad that we can talk at this point and love her with all my might but not be with her.

This made me cry. I really needed to hear that I'm doing fine. Thank you. I've been trying to take care of myself but sometimes I can only do so well at that.

I feel so confused and just "give yourself a break" is... It's so validating. Thank you.
you're welcome. :) you ARE doing fine... its just all part of it. *hugs* Welcome to poly, lol. :p
 
It sounds like you have a lot of emotional stress going on right now. Might I suggest you take a step back, breath, get your life in order (don't fail class over a girl!!!) and then approach this again? Doesn't sound like your friend is going anywhere any time soon and you distancing yourself from her for a week or so (emotionally, not by ignoring her) may be good for you. Judging by her recent actions, it sounds like you and her boyfriend are both smothering her on this subject and she's already struggling with trying to figure out what she wants.

You guys are too young for this much melancholy. Unfortunately, the stage you're at is when life feels the most important. Trust me. Even as little as 4 years from now will be an entirely new life for you.

I've been there. We all have.
 
I am not meaning to trivialize it, no. Its hard to tell someone that they might want to consider if they are whining or not, lol. :D How does one say that without actually saying "you sound whiny." Maybe I could of said it differently. Sorry if I came across as sounding anything more than suggesting you have a look at that.

You did, but I understand. You weren't mean, I just didn't understand at the time. I so appreciate your blunt honesty. It makes me feel secure. (Again, something I think a lot of polyfolk agree about.)

This man, if he is empathetic at all, knows deep down that you are hurting, that she is hurting, that he has no control over this love of yours and that while he has kept it at bay for the time being, things will never be the same between them again. There is some grief in that as much as change. Love has a way of doing that to people.

He can put a halt to it, but she is changed now because of it. She has some knowledge of him that she didn't know before and needs to process how she feels about that. He is faced with some knowledge about her that he didn't know before that he now has to process. He needs time to do that also... the end result will be a change. There is no avoiding that. He and she could decide that that change is to see how it goes with you becoming a different part of their lives than you have been or it could be that the door is closed to that. What that does to their relationship and to yours with her is yet to be seen.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are overwhelmed with "thinking about it."

Wow. Yeah. You're right, of course.

She wanted to open up the relationship, and now he knows that, and he can't just forget it.

He must be really hurting right now. I truly hope this doesn't end things for them. She would be heartbroken.

Years later again I found her on FB and we connected again (I was 34). I went to visit her again after a love affair via skype. Again I almost lost my second marriage. Again I was bowled over.... Again it ended in pain. It continues to this day. We are very gentle with each other this time around and have a simple respect that we need to "not do that again."Ha, who knows where its going. I am just glad that we can talk at this point and love her with all my might but not be with her.

I'm not sure I would want that. Love can hurt so badly. Do you regret any of it, or are you happy with how it is right now and glad for what led to it?

you're welcome. :) you ARE doing fine... its just all part of it. *hugs* Welcome to poly, lol. :p

:) You know, some people might say, "Why would you want to do this?"

I say two things.

1) Not all monogamous people are possessive, and not all monogamous people cause drama, and not all polyfolk are drama free (an hour on this forum will tell you all this, I think).

However, all the relationship drama in my life has had at its heart someone who was insecure. Sometimes me, sometimes someone else - but always someone who was clinging to monogamy out of fear.

2) Even with all this drama and pain - I have, under it all, hope for my own future. I feel fulfilled and safe at my core even when I don't feel content or even happy. I truly know that this will pass.

It is the most wonderful feeling to know that no matter what, I will never again be trapped in a relationship with a person I've chained myself to. If I ever end up in a monogamous relationship, it will be because we just want to be with each other and not because I feel I have to.

There is such joy and freedom in realizing that.

It speaks volumes that despite all the pain I've experienced since realizing I'm poly, I am happier overall than I ever was when I thought I was mono.

That is so powerful to me.

I'm so young, only 21, and I'm lucky to know this about myself. So many people don't realize until they're 30, 40, 50.
 
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It sounds like you have a lot of emotional stress going on right now. Might I suggest you take a step back, breath, get your life in order (don't fail class over a girl!!!) and then approach this again? Doesn't sound like your friend is going anywhere any time soon and you distancing yourself from her for a week or so (emotionally, not by ignoring her) may be good for you. Judging by her recent actions, it sounds like you and her boyfriend are both smothering her on this subject and she's already struggling with trying to figure out what she wants.

I'm really trying to take care of myself - that's why I'm here! :)

I go to a top-ten university, and I love it so much, but when things happen, it's tough. If you breathe for too long, you fall behind. I took last week off, so now I have to catch up, you know?

I believe my girl when she says she's not upset. I'm sure she's just overwhelmed. I don't want to push her and I tend to do that when I get anxious, so I'm keeping my distance like she needs.

You guys are too young for this much melancholy. Unfortunately, the stage you're at is when life feels the most important. Trust me. Even as little as 4 years from now will be an entirely new life for you.

I've been there. We all have.

Isn't everyone too young for melancholy? I don't think that's a useful statement. I'm certain you didn't mean to be condescending, but to me it came across in that way.

My motto is that unless you die in the middle, it'll get better. :)

A bit about my history that might make you understand a bit more:

Two years ago, when I was 19, I went through a period of severe clinical depression. I was suicidal and afraid I would take my own life, and though I didn't attempt it I ended up in a hospital for six days. After that I went through a year of cognitive behavioral therapy that taught me how to recognize when my thoughts are distorted by negative (or occasionally positive) emotion. Even if I can't always stop the trains of thought at that moment, the mere thoughts themselves lose their ability to ruin me for more than a day at the absolute worst.

I have been through so much worse. I will get through this. I'm sure you remember past problems as not being all that important. The thing is, everyone does. Your current problems (since everyone always has problems), I'm sure you'll look back on them in a few years and see them as less important.

But at the time, all problems seem huge, regardless of your age. You know?

I study the brain as my major. There's a phenomenon by which past pain is diminished in the memory. If it weren't, women would never give birth more than once! :p

What I'm saying is... it's not fair to say this isn't a big deal or that I'll realize it's not huge in a few years. For where I am in my life right now, for my future at [university name redacted :p] and my future career in science (grad school and ???), for my health and for avoiding depression again, it is vital that this problem be fixed and fixed correctly, and soon.

Since Christmas, I've had vaginal sex for the first time, gotten an IUD and had a lot of pain from that, realized I was poly, dealt with a lot of drama involving a friend and [taking-it-slowly] new partner who lives on my hall (in my dorm) that has since settled happily, realized I'm biromantic and crushing on my friend, and gone through all this latest stuff.

It's just... a lot. I could have dealt with this a lot better if I wasn't already just damn exhausted.

Does where I'm coming from make a bit more sense now?

I'm young, I'm struggling a lot right now, but I'm not naive. I'm quite mature for my age, and part of that is knowing when I'm floundering and need help.

Just being here is more than a lot of adults would be comfortable with. I do it because I care about myself.

That's a long post and I'm not sure I was clear, sorry. Basically, this seems like a big deal because given where I am in my life in the past few months, where I go to school, and where I need to not let myself get again (namely, depressed), it is a big deal.

That doesn't mean this pain won't have been long forgotten in five years or less. I just need to deal with it while it's not forgotten.
 
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When I was reading your prior posts it sounded like you were having a lot of difficulty managing the situation and seeing that it wasn't cataclysmic. After I posted you replied to redpepper and I realized that wasn't the case but by that point it was too late to undo. I've been waiting for the past 30 minutes for you to reply so I could come back and say "my mistake! Read into your posts wrong!"

As far as the melancholy statement, I didn't mean for it to be condescending but I realize it was. Sorry about that. My point was more that you're still young and as redpepper has repeatedly mentioned, people go through hell and back in their lives and come out just fine. Don't give up! You don't need that much stress in your life, especially if you're attending a Top 10.
 
Ah depression. I've been there too and I can remember the first time something challenged me after coming off the medication I was sure that I was going to sink right back to that dark place again. Turns out it didn't happen, I coped and moved through it. Breathe and take one day at a time. Now you know what depression is like you're more likely to be able to catch it in the early stages.

You're 2 years out from that place now, so far you've been coping. Chances are that you can cope with this too. If you need to take a breather from the whole relationship situation for a few days and refocus on your school work. I know that for me at least stress is a major contributor to my emotional instability. If you can get on top of the school work the relationship stuff might not seem quite so monumentous.

You're right that in 5 year (regardless of the outcome) what's happening now won't seem like it was such a big deal. In 5 years you'll have a whole new set of things going on. Life never stops throwing those lessons at you. All you can do is to do the best you can with the skills you have. Do you have someone you can talk to who isn't involved in this situation? An outside perspective to unload on can be a big help.
 
I'm not sure I would want that. Love can hurt so badly. Do you regret any of it, or are you happy with how it is right now and glad for what led to it?

Absolutely not. Its the story of my life. My hard work on becoming who I am meant that lesbians can not be as afraid, and poly people can not be either. If I were to die tomorrow I would be proud of who I am.

It is the most wonderful feeling to know that no matter what, I will never again be trapped in a relationship with a person I've chained myself to. If I ever end up in a monogamous relationship, it will be because we just want to be with each other and not because I feel I have to.
I am glad you can have that at YOUR age, rather than at mine. I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their. I took on a lot of guilt and pain to get there and now I am free of it. So better to be free of it at the very beginning of your relationship life. Good on you. :)

It sounds like some respite from all of the changes you have been through is in need. I wish for you that it comes in good time.
 
I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their.

This reminds me of a comment one of my friends made at lunch today when I was telling him about this week and poly in general. I'm not going to repeat it here, but I about smacked him from across the table. The only reason I didn't is because I knew he was joking and didn't really feel that way, but I know a lot of people that look at poly lifestyles do feel what he said is true.

Good thing I can tolerate horridly inappropriate jokes. :)
 
When I was reading your prior posts it sounded like you were having a lot of difficulty managing the situation and seeing that it wasn't cataclysmic. After I posted you replied to redpepper and I realized that wasn't the case but by that point it was too late to undo. I've been waiting for the past 30 minutes for you to reply so I could come back and say "my mistake! Read into your posts wrong!"

As far as the melancholy statement, I didn't mean for it to be condescending but I realize it was. Sorry about that. My point was more that you're still young and as redpepper has repeatedly mentioned, people go through hell and back in their lives and come out just fine. Don't give up! You don't need that much stress in your life, especially if you're attending a Top 10.

Thank you, Kyle! :)

Yeah, I don't choose stress (at least not on purpose), but sometimes it happens and you have to work through it.

Ah depression. I've been there too and I can remember the first time something challenged me after coming off the medication I was sure that I was going to sink right back to that dark place again. Turns out it didn't happen, I coped and moved through it. Breathe and take one day at a time. Now you know what depression is like you're more likely to be able to catch it in the early stages.

I've never regretted my decision to avoid medication. It took a long time to get healthy, but now I know that it's all up here *taps head* and that my mental health won't come crumbling down if I forget to take a pill (as I've always been wont to forget). Some people need pills, and I'm just thankful I never have. I know I can do this. I literally went from suicidal to healthy with no pills. I can do anything - with enough support, and within my limits in my own time. ;)

You're 2 years out from that place now, so far you've been coping. Chances are that you can cope with this too. If you need to take a breather from the whole relationship situation for a few days and refocus on your school work. I know that for me at least stress is a major contributor to my emotional instability. If you can get on top of the school work the relationship stuff might not seem quite so monumentous.

That's the plan. :)

I'll never be on top of the school work, honestly. At this point I'll have to settle for 80% on top of it. We often lower our expectations here. :p Otherwise we die.

You're right that in 5 year (regardless of the outcome) what's happening now won't seem like it was such a big deal. In 5 years you'll have a whole new set of things going on. Life never stops throwing those lessons at you. All you can do is to do the best you can with the skills you have. Do you have someone you can talk to who isn't involved in this situation? An outside perspective to unload on can be a big help.

I've been talking to several close friends and to some distant friends to a lesser degree.

And you kids here. You've helped me so much, I'm not sure you'll ever know.

Absolutely not. Its the story of my life. My hard work on becoming who I am meant that lesbians can not be as afraid, and poly people can not be either. If I were to die tomorrow I would be proud of who I am.

I am glad you can have that at YOUR age, rather than at mine. I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their. I took on a lot of guilt and pain to get there and now I am free of it. So better to be free of it at the very beginning of your relationship life. Good on you. :)

It sounds like some respite from all of the changes you have been through is in need. I wish for you that it comes in good time.

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit better right now. I'm going to take this lull and work as much as I can right now, because who knows what tomorrow will look like. I'm feeling much better than I was.
 
I've never regretted my decision to avoid medication. It took a long time to get healthy, but now I know that it's all up here *taps head* and that my mental health won't come crumbling down if I forget to take a pill (as I've always been wont to forget).
...
And you kids here. You've helped me so much, I'm not sure you'll ever know.

*swoon*

:D

I'm sucker for the use of 'wont.' :D
and you called us kids
:D

Glad you're feeling a wee bit better.
 
I love "wont," too. :) And I especially love calling people "kids" when they're older than me. :D
 
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