Partner keeps breaking boundaries.

Prettyinpink

New member
Hello everyone. My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years. During this whole time we have had an open relationship. My partner does not date others but rather he meets girls, develops friendships with them and then will play with these friends (both sexual and BDSM play). Throughout the relationship we have made, changed, and gotten ride of many different boundaries. Mainly the reason for getting ride of some boundaries is that my partner breaks them and then tells me that the boundary was not working for him (he even breaks the boundaries he makes). Some of the boundaries include kissing a girl in our home, sexually touching other girls before asking, telling me he is no longer pursing women but then sexting them and receiving dirty photos from them. I have to add that I never asked him to stop pursing women this was his own choice. I even frequently ask him if there are any boundaries that our not working for him. Now I know that I should drop what happens in the past but I am finding it hard to drop this issue as trust keeps getting broken. I am at the point where I don’t want him to play with others until we gain that trust back. I had small jealousy issues at the beginning of the relationship and I am finding that the more he lies to me the more jealous I am feeling (I realize the jealously is my problem and that he can not fix it). I want to know how I can overcome this jealousy? How can we build trust again? Is it wrong for me to ask him to stop pursing other girls until our relationship is solid and the trust is rebuilt?
 
It definitely isn't wrong for you to express your needs to your partner. It sounds like he has done some major trampling of your trust. If he's breaking HIS OWN boundaries, there is a problem there that has nothing to do with you.

Unfortunately, giving in to him and getting rid of boundaries *because* he's breaking them anyway is only reinforcing his behavior, and pretty much tells him it's okay to ignore the rules and do what he wants. Which means he's just going to continue doing so.

He is lying to you and breaking agreements the two of you have made. He is violating your trust. Only you can decide whether this is acceptable behavior; if it isn't, you can address it with him, but if he's gotten into the habit of acting this way you might not get the response you hope for.
 
Hi, you might not like what I have to say.

My last relationship ended because my partner cheated on me and broke our agreements about what kind of poly relationship we are having. He had cheated on a previous girlfrien so, I told him upfront that if he does the same to me our relationship is over. After little over a year it happened and when he confessed to me I dumped him on the spot.

This was about three months ago and since then we have met about once a week for the past two months or so to discuss what we mean to each other, how to be friends, is a relationship a possibility etc. And of course we have talked about why he did it.

Your husband sounds like he might have similar reasons. My partner was looking to be and feel close to interesting people. For some reason for him what he needed to get past some shyness or awkwardness was sex. He needed this to get the friendship to another level. So cheating was bound to happen, even though he promised not to do anything without my knowledge. Now that he has realised this he's also said, that he really doesn't need sex, that he can think of other things (like cuddling) to get past that threshold.

And here is the part you wont like. I dumped him and it was the right thing to do, although I'd like to be with him. He has also said that it was the right thing to do, that he needed it to happen. That if I hadn't dumped him he would have been able to explain things away, to continue his behavior, to not face his actions and the consequences. At least for us it was the only thing that could work. Now he is trying to figure out his shit and I'm working on my own and then we meet and share our progress and spend time together. I think we are moving forward and sometimes I'm even hopeful about our future.

I hope you find a way to deal with things that work for you. Like in my example, the initial solution might have to be painful for there to be a chance for real progress. I hope you can find your solution.
 
You can ask things of your partner. He is free to agree or not agree. You merely ASKING isn't a problem.

I wonder if you don't want to ask because you don't want to have another experience where he says one thing and then breaks his Word again later.

If he is not trustworthy in his Word, then he's just not. I don't see what there is for YOU to fix here. :confused:

You cannot control his behavior. You can only control your behavior, your choices.

You either choose to accept he's kind of a flake in that way and not believe anything his says because he has no reliable Word. Because your want for THIS partner in particular is greater than your want for a partner with a Word.

Or you choose to leave because your want of a partner who can keep their Word is greater than your want for this particular partner.

Nobody can determine for you what is your greater want. You do that job of discernment. I mean that kindly -- I know this hurts and you struggle. :eek:

But I really don't see any other choices on the table here for you that you can control.

Him suddenly deciding he wants to become a person of his Word and grow a consistent one? That's HIS behavior choice -- it's not something YOU can control or make him do. :(

Galagirl
 
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