Phy's story - As you like it

Thanks

I am so sorry, ... Don't know what else to say.

That's all there is, indeed Miss Indie. I don't know what else I could do or say to make it better. Thanks to all of you, your worries and all the virtual hugs are appreciated. I know that no one can do anything to make this less ... certain/unfair/painful/hard on us.

I have no idea if I would go through this hormonal treatment to have a child twice or if I would go through it at all. I guess I have an idea about the adoption option. We will never be able to adopt a child, as long as Lin lives with us (visibly). And there aren't 'enough' children in contrast to couples wanting to adopt one. At least as far as I heard. It's hard to be chosen.

I guess that all this needs some months to sink in. Right now, I get a strong sense of 'not meant to be' even though I don't have a thing for fate in general.

And thanks for the offer Jane, but I don't know what I should vent about. It is what it is, maybe I will be furious later on, but right now, I just feel numb.

Tend to each other, take care of each other, love each other...

That's basically what we are trying to do right now. Sward has gotten really quiet and I guess he is a bit ashamed that he had thought about the situation (Lin possibly being more 'capable' than him) as 'unfair'. Or me trying first with Lin because of the circumstances. He is doing what he can to lighten up the mood. Started baking some buns (raisins and chocolate), surprised Lin and me with Dinner and is always the first to fetch us some things. And cuddles us all day as soon as we come into his reach. (Not that this changed in the least, he always did that, but now it lasts longer and his hug is a bit suffocating :rolleyes: This guy is just too strong.)

Lin isn't thinking at all, it seems. He is waiting for the second test and postpones his reaction a bit. What scares me even more. I felt his heart twisting already when we talked about it. If this happens again, on a greater scale with certainty mixed to it … don't know how to prevent this. To be fair, there IS a possibility to have children. Maybe. We will know in four weeks. But that's connected to an operation and so much medical stuff, I don't think that we will be able to use it or to be able to pay for it. I went through my disbelieve already. When the shock comes for Lin, I won't be as burdened as I would have been with us experiencing this together. That's somehow something positive.

this is not what you had imagined.

Indeed, so true.
 
Phy-
LIke the others, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know the devastation/loss from a single miscarriage, and this is clearly a much bigger blow to your dreams.

Hugs.
 
Thanks for your sympathy, it is appreciated.

___________________

How I miss my everyday trivia. I discovered a small piece of text about Sward and my habits, where we had some points to discuss two weeks ago or so. I had my coffee “date” with Miss Prof. But I just don't feel like any of those are important any more. It's just waiting for things to move forward, to give me something, anything to work with finally. It has been a week and I start to get impatient already. I am surprised that there isn't more grief or upset. I kind of just accepted it for what it seems to be right now.

Is that unhealthy? I suspect it to be, but I can't find more emotions inside of me. I am not upset by friends and acquaintances getting pregnant or seeing them with their children. I feel a sense of loss but there isn't any ill will or begrudging going on. I felt different some months ago from time to time, when I was waiting for things to simply happen. I caught myself thinking: “Come on … it's time for my turn now.” when I met one of my friends from school. She had just given birth to her second child and I was impatient and a bit jealous. Maybe because I saw us on a similar footing back then. Everything was possible. Now it's sadness but no negative feelings involved. As if this door had just closed and nothing I will do can open it again for me and therefore all my negative emotions seem to be wasted in the effort right from the start.

I am waiting. Waiting for my emotions to show a negative response. Maybe sadness is all I will feel in regard to this topic from now on. Waiting for some facts to come to light which will help me move on and DO something. On the other hand I am so used to sitting, waiting, thinking. I feel reminded of the time when I was pondering over the situation with Lin. Except I am not wishing for anything right now, as I can't think of a realistic thing to wish for.

I am grateful for Sward and Lin and their reaction so far. We aren't discussing the topic at length; there isn't much we can say. Overall the situation is quiet and everyone tries to not over-analyze anything. From time to time one makes a comment about this or that aspect. One of my immediate fears didn't come true. I feared for our intimacy being strained or forced. Fortunately, nothing changed. In a way Sward seemed to be relieved as well. His stress was higher than I noticed, now he knows what's up.

The only thing that is getting on our (collective) nerves is the outlook that this may be decided by money in the long run. I am in touch with a couple who went through nearly every medical treatment possible (similar situation to Lin's and mine) and they invested 20.000 Euro over the course of 6 years by now. Of course, things went wrong and wrong and wrong again in their case, but I can't plan for our attempt to just go well and everything is done after the first try. And it feels so wrong to 'purchase' a child. I planned sums of that amount to start building a home, to buy things; not a human life. Ah … just noticed that there are negative feelings. I get furious even thinking about this point. Yeay … negative emotions still available -.- .

What does this leave me with? The notion that if I would have been faster in my studies, that if Lin would be healthier and would be able to find a well-paid job, that if Sward's doctors had been more careful back then, that if … things were just different, we may have been able to handle this situation differently. And there they are again … IF's/WOULD's … that's meaningless right from the start. It is what it is. We will see.
 
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Gossip

It has gotten quiet around the baby topic by now. We are waiting for the things to come. I found a health insurance that would account for the costs for three tries of an artificial insemination. That would be a possibility as it seems. We will wait for the results of the next test.

__________________

Another topic to make up my mind about: Gossip.

I have been told that people talk about me. I was like “Yeah right, who would have the time to actually talk about me? About what really? I am not that social, I don't have many friends and I stay out of most things where ever I go. You are making things up.” It was a close friend from university who told me. He found it amusing. And offered to ask another friend of his who seems to belong to this'circle of insiders' who have enough time to wag their tongues about strangers. (= non-teaching staff of the 'history-corridor')

It was so unbelievable for me because I see my days at university as solitary and isolated. I don't interact much with others and have 3 or 4 friends, who I met during all those years. I like to keep to myself mostly. About what would they care to talk in regard to me?

Apparently I am feared … that sounds just ridiculous, every time I think about it :p But well, yes, I am scary, eerie even, quite weird as well, tend to discuss others into the ground, possess too much knowledge (in regard to my subjects – that's seemingly scary as well … ) and I have too positive relationships with my professors. And I have this special kind of 'aura' (whatever that means ...). Oh, and there is this thing with the men I talk about – apparently I have quite a lot of them, because normally the character traits I describe or talk about don't match each other, there have to be more than one. Maybe an ex and my current partner? Or am I cheating? Curious!

Honestly, I was flabbergasted :D Who the hell cares enough to spread this nonsense in their freetime? Maybe this is so astonishing because I would never think about doing something like that. Others don't wake my interest in that way. I don't have the time or energy to talk about someone I am not involved with. I don't notice them if they don't pique my interest. And the most curious thing to me is how they got the info about my partners … obviously I never talked to those people about it. Do they sit next to me, listen to my chatter with friends and spread what they understood or not? *sigh* so NOT my world.

Nothing to spend much time thinking about. But I found it kind of astonishing.
 
Do I? Poor me :( I can't make people comfortable around me, as it seems. :p

At least there is something I learned: Never assume that people wouldn't be interested in you just because a) you don't know them or b) you think that they don't know you :cool:
 
Another topic to make up my mind about: Gossip.

I have been told that people talk about me.
At least there is something I learned: Never assume that people wouldn't be interested in you just because a) you don't know them or b) you think that they don't know you :cool:
I had a similar revelation this past weekend. Someone at work, in just wanting some idle chit-chat on the job, said to me, "So, you also work at ____, don't you?" She was asking me about my freelance work. I answered her questions, blabbity-bla-bla, and then later it hit me. I have only met that woman a few times before in passing. That was the first time we worked together. I've discussed my freelance work with other co-workers, but not her. So that means people were talking about me.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. During that day we worked together, she asked me a zillion questions. Not just about my freelance work, but also things like, "So do you like your new schedule? What days off do you have? Did you want to go full-time? What kind of work did you do before? Where do you live? What kind of apartment do you live in?" O. M. G.

Didn't she notice that I wasn't asking her anything about herself? I am not the type to divulge all this stuff to people I work with.

She is very much like another co-worker who always asks me where I went for lunch and if I "had a nice lunch break." Hey, my lunch break is my personal time, why are you quizzing me about how I spend my personal time? Haven't you ever noticed that I don't ask you about your lunch break? Grrr.

She also weirdly remembers stuff -- ridiculous stuff -- from some innocuous comment I may have made, and then asks me about it again. The other day, she said to me, "Did you ever get your shoes fixed?" I looked at her with a dumb stare and said, "I don't even know what shoes you are talking about." She said, "You know, those shoes where the leather had ripped blablabla..." I was floored. It had been over a month when I commented on needing my shoes repaired, and I forgot all about it. But she didn't.

There are a few other co-workers who always ask me what I'm making for dinner when I go home. Geez, I don't fucking know yet! So, now, they are talking about me and my freelance work came up. Why? What do they care? I am not friends with these people and I definitely know I would not be hanging out with most of them if we hadn't met on the job. I am at work, focusing on my work. My time away from work has nothing to do with them.

My conclusion is that these people are extroverts who need social contact in order to engage their brains. I don't. I am an introvert. My workplace is an escape from my personal life. My brain is engaged with my job, the clients that come in, and my own private thoughts. I don't need to share what is going on in my head with people I work with. Being asked about my personal life at work, even if it's seemingly unimportant stuff like whether I brought my shoes to the shoemaker, what kind of apartment I live in, or where I went for lunch, feels INVASIVE. I want to scream sometimes, "Why do you care what my schedule is!!! Why should I tell you what I ate for lunch or what I am making for dinner tonight? Why can't you leave me alone???" But I can't. I have to smile and answer questions so they don't think I'm a complete bitch.

Being an introvert in a world that places high value on being sociable sucks sometimes.
 
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My conclusion is that these people are extroverts who need social contact in order to engage their brains. I don't. I am an introvert. My workplace is an escape from my personal life. My brain is engaged with my job, the clients that come in, and my own private thoughts. I don't need to share what is going on in my head with people I work with. Being asked about my personal life at work, even if it's seemingly unimportant stuff like whether I brought my shoes to the shoemaker, what kind of apartment I live in, or where I went for lunch, feels INVASIVE. I want to scream sometimes, "Why do you care what my schedule is!!! Why should I tell you what I ate for lunch or what I am making for dinner tonight? Why can't you leave me alone???" But I can't. I have to smile and answer questions so they don't think I'm a complete bitch.

I swing both ways sometimes. Most the time, I'm an introvert, until I get comfortable with people - then it's hard to shut me up. However, I've had to work on my introvert tendencies as it can come across (and has at times) as being grumpy, snobbish, angry, etc. To those people that ask those questions, that's there way of letting you know you are valued (even if you don't see it that way) and they just want to be friendly. I tend to take it as a clue as to how they want to be treated.

If someone took the risk of revealing that they had been eavesdropping or talking with others about you, I would suspect that what they really want is to just be your friend.
 
If someone took the risk of revealing that they had been eavesdropping or talking with others about you, I would suspect that what they really want is to just be your friend.
No, she's just a busybody who likes to gab and gossip. Most people like her are only asking questions so that you ask a similar question back, and they then get to talk about themselves. I have her pegged, really. She's self-centered and self-involved, and never stopped to consider that maybe the way to be my friend is to respect my privacy and let me volunteer info when I feel comfy doing so.
 
I swing both ways sometimes. Most the time, I'm an introvert, until I get comfortable with people - then it's hard to shut me up.

My conclusion is that these people are extroverts who need social contact in order to engage their brains. I don't. I am an introvert. My workplace is an escape from my personal life.

I am not sure as what I could classify personally. I am not social, as far as I will never seek out those contacts willingly. I just don't get this need to chat with each and everyone. But, if the situations comes up and I am asked, I don't think much and just answer and talk to people. I don't have any problems talking to others, but I wouldn't start this stuff. Because I would always assume:

To those people that ask those questions, that's there way of letting you know you are valued (even if you don't see it that way) and they just want to be friendly. I tend to take it as a clue as to how they want to be treated.

If someone took the risk of revealing that they had been eavesdropping or talking with others about you, I would suspect that what they really want is to just be your friend.

That's exactly how I see it. If I am asked about my day, what I did, where I went, how my family is, I assume that they are just being polite. My boss is just like that and she is generally interested in the lifes of her employees. But I have to say that I never went through the hassle to see it a different way. Lin uses to tell me that I am too naïve. I never assume bad intentions when interacting with others. That's why I wouldn't think of someone like this:

No, she's just a busybody who likes to gab and gossip. Most people like her are only asking questions so that you ask a similar question back, and they then get to talk about themselves. I have her pegged, really. She's self-centered and self-involved, and never stopped to consider that maybe the way to be my friend is to respect my privacy and let me volunteer info when I feel comfy doing so.

It doesn't occur to me that someone could have ulterior motives. In general I know that some people are that way, but I forget about it ^.^ I am always dumbstruck when I encounter this truth again and again. I am gullible and believe in the good in man. And at the same time I am obliviousto this trait of mine :D Oh dear, what a combination :rolleyes:

I am not even sure if I didn't talk to some of them. Not about my private love life, more in general. Maybe they really to some extend 'know me' and I just forgot about them. There has been one 'girl' (she was still so young, right from school and new at university, came across as really girl-ish) whom I still remember. She was totally excited when we were mixed up and had some group work stuff to do and the first thing she told me was something along the lines of “Oh, nice to see you here!” She was all smiles and I was like … ok … keep it low, did we talk? “No, but we take course x and y as well together. I so liked z about your answer there and haven't you been to the library yesterday?” She remembered me from sitting in the same room with me twice the week before. I simply don't see people. You have to be extremely flashy or say something really notable to catch my eye and interest. I know that I tend to forget even those I did talk to at one point in time.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. During that day we worked together, she asked me a zillion questions. Not just about my freelance work, but also things like, "So do you like your new schedule? What days off do you have? Did you want to go full-time? What kind of work did you do before? Where do you live? What kind of apartment do you live in?" O. M. G.

Didn't she notice that I wasn't asking her anything about herself? I am not the type to divulge all this stuff to people I work with.

If I encounter those ones, I am polite as well if they don't come across as too intrusive. I answer most of those questions and ask something similar in return. Because, if they are interested and comfortable to get this kind of information from me, it is ok to ask the same in return. Except I don't like the person asking. Then I just skip that stuff and stay mostly quiet. (If I think about that, maybe I have 'an aura'. I am never really bothered by obnoxious people and conversation instantly comes to a halt when I am not interested or starting to get into a bad mood :p)

Ahhh dear, complicated stuff. That's why I never start it myself, too much hassle to think about :cool:
 
Chatting

The sms/chat-talk. I never guessed we would need to speak about this topic but Sward got a bit addicted. As I mentioned he build a friendship with Goody-Goody, neighbor's daughter. Goody is ten years younger than us and she loves her mobile. And what's app and how they are all called (I have an old Nokia, no chat programs and such, I hardly use sms either). This constant wrrrr, wrrrr got on my nerves. Especially when the noise isn't muted.

Some days ago I was lying on the couch, watching some show and Sward laid down next to me. Everything was fine … some minutes passed. Wrrrr, wrrrr … a new text. He answered, slightly turning away from me to have both hands free. I thought, OK, just a short notice, will be done in a minute. Not really -.- Another message, another message and another one and I was pissed. Leave the phone somewhere else when you want to spend some time next to me and WITH me, goddammit. So rude. I honestly don't mind them texting. Goody got enough stuff to text about for sure, still together with this … scumbag. But she lives next door! Go have a cup of coffee.

Of course he didn't see the reason why I was mad. I am chatting with my friends as well. Yeah right, when I am sitting at the PC. I don't take the PC with me wherever I go. It is a bit more difficult to restrict the 'OK-to-use-range' for a mobile but isn't it obvious that you shouldn't use it when interacting with someone right next to you? He came around to see my point after some minutes and it didn't happen again to this extent. But he clearly has a slight addiction there. I banned the damn thing from the bedroom already. But that happened some months ago.
 
It has been some time, since I posted. We have been doing well. Still nothing much going on, but I thought about an update :)

Concerning the baby-front, Sward has been to second test and it seems that the actions we took worked out and improved his results. Doesn't look as dire as before and after I got my results (today actually) we will start looking into what could be done and how. Lin hasn't been to his second test, I guess he is delaying it on purpose and doesn't want to hear the same result twice. I am leaving him be, can't do anything about it right now.

I have had my first final exam on the 2/28 and it went ok. Not as great as I hoped, but that was mainly because of an altered question. We are able to discuss the topic roughly with our examiner in advance and she changed the question I was expecting, what gave me a pause. I couldn't do anything else than write down what I had prepared and am now hoping for the best. This grade will be final and in my diploma.

I am totally stressed with all the papers I need to hand in to make it for the registration for the second final exams term in autumn. Well, more unmotivated than stressed actually, but it has to be done *sigh* I limited it to two more papers till April and hope that I will be done by then.

I met an old friend and was glad that she is still around. She has had a hard furrow to plough constantly, because she isn't happy with her life in general. Was married to a German by her father at the age of 18 (him being nearly 20 years older than her), is expected to be a devoted housewife and mother and totally stuck between the believes she has been brought up with and her own desires. She did as much as registering for teacher's studies, that's where we met. When we met again some days ago, we talked a bit; her life is still chaos and not fulfilling but she keeps on pursuing what she dreams of. Hoping that this will come true some day. It makes me sad and furious to think about it :(
 
I was just thinking this morning that you hadn't been around for a while, and hoping it was just because your life was busy. Glad to hear that overall things are ok. Hope there continues to be encouragement on the baby front.
 
Again some weeks have passed and I have been busy. I got my grade for the written test and it was good. I hoped for a better one, but second best possible will do. I was a bit stuck in regard to my papers, but two are almost done. Totally lacking in motivation but the deadline is on Saturday, so I will make it.

Some good and bad news:

Lin has been to the doctor and the result was confirmed. He is unable to have biological children. He hasn't been as down as I feared, but I guess this will be a matter later on. Because:

Sward and I went to a specialist to get our treatment started. We stopped trying on our own and visited a fertility center. The first try is already next week and I am a bit overwhelmed by the speed all of it is progressing right now. I mean: nothing much happened for months and now there is a real chance that we could succeed with it. I am exited and a bit scared, just like when we decided to start trying for a child last Summer.

I checked in with Lin, because it was quite disadvantageous that his sterility notice arrived nearly the same day as Sward and my artificial insemination treatment plan. Understandably he doesn't want to talk or hear each and every detail about it for now and asked for some space. But overall he says it doesn't matter that much and that it will be ok. I hope that it will be …

Sward is a bit down as well, because he won't be 'actively' involved in the process. I can't change that fact and to be honest, I know what he means, but I simply have a different view in regard to that matter. But Lin totally understood where he was coming from and I guess it helped that Lin was able to relate to Sward's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is beneficial to have a second man at hand ;) It wasn't a big deal, but it was on Sward's mind.

So, … we are getting started; I will have a check up on Tuesday and it gets serious next weekend. Really excited and a bit scared at the moment. :eek:
 
What an intense, emotional time for everyone! My heart goes out to Lin... it seems merciful, at least, that he got a clear answer, versus a situation in which he was still infertile and yet no one could tell him for sure, leaving the question of whether to try in limbo. Wishing you and Sward the very best of luck, of course!
 
Thanks Annabel. But I guess it sounds way more emotional than it really is right now. I was really worried about Lin and his condition, but when he finally got the result, it was all kind of calm. It's right, better to have something final, but honestly, I think that his doctor told him unconfirmed stuff. No tests, no hormonal checks, just looking at the basic facts. I read quite a lot lately about that topic and the way the doctor confirmed that he should be infertile doesn't sit well with me. But I didn't stir any argument, because Lin seems to be content with that diagnosis right now. If that is what he needs, it's alright. He himself said when I initially voiced my doubts, that we may look into this matter again in 3 or 4 year's time. (When I wanted the second child to be his.) It's no pressing matter right now.

I haven't given up hope, that we may be (biological) parents one day as well, as I know how much this would mean to him.

Thanks for your wishes :) I really hope that this will work out soon.
 
Everything seems so complicated. Just like Sward said yesterday: Why can't it be simple from time to time? Do we have to have it this difficult each and every time we reach a new phase of our life? I know that this is more a momentum or better snapshot in time than anything but I am declined to see it like he does today. I am negative and not able to see a fast and easy solution for our wishful thoughts.

The first IUI is done and as it seems already gone as far as our chances are concerned. We will have to use the more complex way with hormonal and medical treatment, presumably. This goes against my morals and I am unsure how I will react to this. I decided to try because it would mean much for Sward and Lin. I want a child as well but this method … I have to get used to all the bits and facts coming with it. So unsure what will come out of this.

The rest of our (Sward's, Lin's and my) life is as quiet and peaceful as ever. I love our home and even the surrounding with my parents, siblings andeven the parents of my BiL all around us, even though my mother threw quite a tantrum the other day. She got totally worked up over some spider webs at our kitchen window. I was like :confused: When talking to her in calmer moment she told me that all the occurrences of the last year left her depleted and depressed. She was diagnosed with a mild depression but of course she refuses to take the meds she got from the doctor :rolleyes: I mean, I know where she is coming from and the other option (a more spiritual approach) is totally not her kind of deal, but when she told me that every morning she gets up there is this enormous pressure lingering all over her head and she has to push it to the back of her mind to keep on going, I was alarmed. I don't really know how to help her and hope that the doctors will be able to figure something out. Right now she isn't able to managed even the slightest pressure in whatever shape they may occur. Even the usual grocery shopping means stress for her.

As always, we will see what comes out of this.
 
Already a month ... time flies by. I felt like updating but there is nothing much to talk about. At least if I stay within the limits of our little poly relationship. Everything and everyone is doing OK.

Sward replanted our herb garden and prepared a little selection for Lin to use in the kitchen. Lin started to do all the every day housework, like cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry etc. because Sward and I are away most of the day. He seems to like this new kind of job, because he really gives it his all. Planning for meals, going shopping, totally caring for or even sheperding us in a way. Jobwise he was really unlucky and his health has been quite bad during the last 6 weeks. I guess, it works out fine, if he really is unable to find some kind of work in the foreseeable future, that he just stays home and sticks to the housework. Sometimes it is all he is able to actually do over the course of the day.

The situation at Swards workplace is much more relaxed lately and the missing wage has finally been payed last month. I am still not happy with some of his work conditions but he wants to stay there for now and I will not meddle with this. In regard to our fertility treatment, we will take a break till July to wait for the health insurance switch, to get back 100% of the costs. I do not know how far he is thinking ahead already, but I am kind of mulling over the possiblity of ending up staying childless. I do not know why I am so negative, but I guess, we will have to see what comes out of it. Like always :rolleyes:

My mother has been diagnosed with dementia. There was one point missing, but as she got 10 of those points and you are regarded as age demented from 9 points downwards ... well, she seems kind of relieved, that there is a name to call the weird things happening to her lately. The chemo treatments have affected her brain and nerves and that is the result. Again, I have no idea how to help her or how to treat her, if this gets worse (what it surely will). She is still so young, I hope that this state will not worsen too soon.

My best friend moved out of the house she and her husband shared with her parents into a flat some kilometers away. Good decision, they defentiely needed the space. As I was working half the day, my men went and helped and I joined them later. I realized as how normal I myself regard our relationship by now. I did not waste one thought what their friends (who were there as well) might think about us or how I should or should not act.

There seem to has been a moment before I arrived when Lin and Sward were discussing dinner; Lin said that he would not cook that evening and Sward joked about me being grumpy if I was to get hungry later despite the food my friend provided for our help. She told me, that that moment gave most of the others a pause and they started thinking about our constellation as those male strangers (we did not know the other helpers) were both obviously talking about the same woman. When she told me, I just smirked.

I no longer get worked up about what others might think. I do not care. I handle conversations about my private life and our unusual relationship much more ... naturally and more like a matter of cause. It is what it is and I no longer have the patience to excuse someone being so stunned that he or she dares to personally attack me for the life I lead. I do not have this urge to explain any longer. Took me almost two years to reach that stage ;)

Well, that is it for now. Hopefully I will come back with some happy news soon ^.^
 
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