Poly journey of Mya and rory

I've had a lot of conversations recently with both rory and Hank about rory moving in with us. I'm generally really excited about it, but we do want to talk about possible pitfalls beforehand and I think there are a few things I/we need to work on. Most of them so far have nothing to do with how rory and Hank will relate to each other, but more with me relating to both of them individually.

One issue that I have with both of them is that I want a lot of company and rory and Hank need alone time. It's not just concrete time management, it's also my attitude towards time. I realise I have a problem when it comes to feeling entitled to their time. Like they would have to be there for me whenever I need them. Unfortunately that's not how it works. If I'm alone, I can deal with whatever I need to deal with because there's no choice. But if there is a person I love in the next room, alone, and I can't talk to them when I need to, it feels different. I feel more lonely when I know I could in theory have company but I don't because that person doesn't want to be with me at that moment. If they can't, if they're not home, it's easier to accept. As an extrovert living with an introvert and soon with two introverts, it's about time I learn this. They need their alone time, but not just that. Hank and rory both have expressed that they need to feel free to spend time alone, free of guilt. That it should be okay to say 'no' to me when I ask them to spend time with me. And of course it is okay to say that, but Hank especially starts feeling guilty about his alone time if he sees that I'm upset about him not wanting to hang out with me. I can understand that. But we're in a bit of a standstill with it. In order for that feeling chain reaction to not occur I would have to not be upset when my loved ones don't want to hang out with me - or just not ask them to do that at all. Let them come to me when they want to. Not express my feelings of wanting to spend time together, they already know that in general that would be my preference most of the time. So this is what I am going to try to do with Hank. If I learn this now, everything will be applicable to rory as well when they move in. I will try to give Hank more space and let him come to me more. I will try to be less needy. Meaning I will try to deal with my stuff more by myself or by writing instead of needing other people to do it with. Or at least try to talk to my friends more, so that my partners don't have to be burdened by everything I'm thinking. It's awesome if they are there for me but I can't expect that. Their time and attention is a gift they give to me, not something I can just take whenever I want.

It is a journey. I will try my best. We'll see how it goes.
 
fuchka, thank you! What you write about Alec is true. I am proud of us both how far we've come with communication, both individually and together. It's even more now that we're breaking up: for a long time we've both avoided focusing on our incompatibilities, and now they're all surfacing a lot more. We've of course had to manage them as relationship issues before, but now that we've accepted the fact that we just won't work as partners, we're both expressing the things that bother us more honestly. The negotiation around his gender-related jealousy is something we've had to do, and we've managed so far... But also it hasn't been a concrete issue all that many times. But, just yesterday we had a talk around it which made me kind of glad that we're breaking up. There's the fundamental difference between how we approach jealousy. He is willing to work on his feelings to some extent, and he's had to do it with poly. But when he feels bad enough, he feels it's something I should care about and change my behaviour based on that. I can understand that, and I have also conceded to that in some specific instances and will continue for a little while to do so. But I also resent it. It makes me angry, I feel restricted and unfree and that's just not what I want.

I think for me, regarding whom I feel comfortable having sex with, there are aspects which have to do with their gender and orientation (and mine respectively - how well we fit together) and then there's stuff that isn't covered by it. I think it works best when our genders and orientations match reasonably well (some common ground) and when their mindset about these things and sex in general is quite queer. I guess, the more queer the other person, the more leeway there is in the other aspect. I think there are a lot more not-men than men in the pool of comfortable sexual partners, but I'm sure there are situations and people where I could find men as well.

I think about this quite a bit, since now that the break-up is coming up, I will no longer have a male sexual partner, and I would rather like to. Not super-high on my priority list, and there are complications with it, but I'd like to. I'm also processing the fact that I should make stronger personal boundaries with it - not really against other people, but with myself. That is, I do sometimes have sex even without feeling very comfortable with it, because I'm trans and feel body discomfort but I bloody well want to have a sex life regardless. But I'm not sure it's all that good for me to compromise it to the extent I'm used to doing so. Thanks for writing your comments and how you feel as well! I enjoyed reading it. :)
 
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I want to write about living together, too! I and Mya and Hank living together, that is.

At first we were thinking that I'll stay at their place for a few months and then I'll move out, but the more all of us think about it and talk about it, it seems more and more likely that it'll be a more long-term arrangement. There are just so many things which could work really well. In terms of decisions, we'll of course have a good opportunity to see how it works, because I'll be staying for a while in any case. But yeah, I'm pretty excited regardless. And yeah, I want to feel excited without adding the disclaimers that it may not work out. That kind of thing is just to avoid disappointment, and it's pretty useless in the end.

When it comes to partnerships, where there's a deep level of involvement (time, energy, life sharing), I feel that being a leg of V, rather than a hinge, is more suited to my personality. I am able to be a hinge, and it's worked fine with Alec and Mya, for the past years. But it requires a lot more time and energy management from me, and it requires expectations-management from my partners. Whereas being a leg of a V... Yeah, as long as I feel secure in the relationship and confident that I'm loved and appreciated by my partner (as I do with Mya), I'm happy as a clam and never have any difficulties with sharing. Helps also when I have an awesome metamour, and there's mutual caring and compersion all that fluff going on.

Between us three, Mya is maybe more naturally suited to being a hinge, and I and Hank are both more naturally suited to being legs. (The terminology is so weird but hell, got to express it in some way.)

With this combination, there are a lot of potential poly issues which just are unlikely to come up (at least more than occasionally). It's to do with personalities (inclinations) but also to how people approach their own and other people's feelings.

I'm not worried about jealousy. It's not likely that there would be very much to start with, but also I have trust and confidence in all involved that it'll be dealt with. Same goes for any emotional work related to sharing a partner - feeling like a third wheel; feeling like getting less consideration/time/etc. from the shared partner; anything like that. There's a lot that could intensify in a co-habitation situation, but I don't anticipate much of that at all with who we are.

Rather, it's likely that this could actually enhance things for all of us: both in getting our needs met and in getting what we want. I'm going to continue this to another post.
 
Living together with Mya has been, for such a long time, something that could happen at some point, but because it hasn't been a real possibility, I've focused on all the great aspects of our relationship as it is. We do get our relationship needs met, and there's so much that she brings into my life with her presence even when we don't live together.

However, I'm now allowing myself to think beyond that. And there's just so much potential! It makes me excited. :)

Right now we talk. A lot. That's the preference, for both of us. We need each other and want each other for talking. For sharing things that are going on in our lives, for getting and giving support, for processing and analysing things. As long as we get to talk, our relationship is doing great, that's why it worked really well even in long-distance.

But yeah, if we had more time, we could do other stuff, too! Sure, we do sometimes go to places and events and have sex and experience things together and watch movies and all that stuff that goes into a relationship. It's just, meeting twice a week, 70% of awake-time spent together is needed for talking, and another 20% may not be needed but we want to talk, anyway, rather than do something else.

So, now I'm thinking that, actually, I'd really like it if I'd have her in a bigger part of my everyday life. I'd love to talk to her about stuff that's going on with me as it's happening, rather than catching up when we meet (don't get me wrong - I like catching up! But it might be even better, etc.). I'd love to be there for her for support etc., a lot more of the time, and same goes the other way around. We could spread out the analysis/emotional support: right now it can sometimes be rather emotionally intense when we do see each other, particularly if both of us have difficult stuff to deal with. If more time, could balance that out with relaxing together and doing stuff and building things between us, in other aspects of our relationship. I suppose Mya and I have the communication covered, just, could do something else too. :D

Plus, besides the stuff that we already do but could do more often, there's also stuff that we could do together which just hasn't been a realistic option. We have our own, separate projects/hobbies in life, own creative/artistic interests. So far we've shared some aspects (e.g. she reads my stories), but we haven't had an opportunity to create something together. The separate things are needed, but with more time, more opportunity - who knows what we could come up with together, too? :)
 
So, that's something cool about the possibility of living together: living with Mya, and all that brings for us and our relationship. That's definitely something I'm looking forward to.

I'd also quite like to get to know Hank more, and living together would present opportunities for that.

I feel quite self-conscious when writing about the things I'm excited about relating to the upcoming change, particularly having to do with relationship things. I feel like I should make a note that just because I'm currently breaking up with Alec and we're starting separate lives doesn't mean that I haven't been happy and satisfied living with him. In many ways I have been. Just, less so, now. But yeah, he's excited about his future alone, so why shouldn't I be? It just feels different when I am talking about the things that I've shared with him and soon will share with other people, whereas he's planning to live alone, at least for some time into the future.

So, anyway.

I'm kind of excited about the everyday life aspects of living with Mya and Hank; relating to the people but also to the space and the fact that we'd have a three-adult household.

Like, boardgames and people to play them with! And other games, too, which can be shared. And whatever comes with combining resources: our household will have more of the fun things (like games) and also more of the practical things (I'll get to use the electric laundry dryer and dishwasher and I'm contributing towels and kitchenware).

And then there's the whole three people contributing to shared living costs and chores and all that. Which, I suppose, could be a potential risk - these are the things co-habiting people most often fight about - but with the people involved, I think it much more likely that it'll be mostly beneficial to everybody.

To be frank, we already have a bit of experience with some aspects of living together. With other aspects, not so much, but based on what I've seen so far... Yeah, excited about the possibility.
 
I need to write about something that I feel really bad about writing. But I need to work through this. Recently rory said to me (this is told with rory's permission) that she has a crush on Hank. First I thought it was just cute, rory was blushing and giggling around him. But later I started to think about what it would mean if Hank returns those feelings and they actually want to start a relationship. I freaked out. Those of you who have followed this blog for a longer time might remember me saying that I wouldn't want my partner to date one of my closest friends. Well this is kinda like that except a hundred times worse.

I've been talking about this with rory and she knows how I feel. It's just so damn irrational. Yesterday I talked about it with Hank as well and even though at the moment he is not returning those feelings, he wanted to know why it would be such a hard thing for me. I started thinking about it again and almost had a panic attack and I said I don't think I can talk about it now. He said I looked really shocked. I can't even explain it, it's such an overreaction. But I think I need a place to work through those feelings without actually talking about it directly to rory and Hank because they're the ones that are involved in it.

- I'm already the one wanting company more than them. If they started dating, I'd be left alone more than I do now. Now if they're seeing someone else outside the three of us, most of the time I can still hang out with the other one.
- I'd have to witness both of them being in NRE with each other but not with me.
- I'm already sometimes struggling with some things with Hank, like time. If he would not give more time to me, but instead was giving it to rory, I fear I'd start resenting both of them for it.
- I value one-on-one time, I don't want us to hang out as a group all the time. I mean I enjoy that as well, but one-on-one is more important. I fear that if they were also in a relationship with each other, they would want to be together all three of us when they used to spend time with just me.
- I fear in general that I'd be left out and they'd pay less attention to me, especially with NRE glasses on.
- If there are three relationships, the chances of one of them breaking up are bigger. Especially now that we're planning on living together, that would just make things more complicated.
- I really really don't want a triad. I know it's a dream for many people but I've never wanted it. Never. And I still don't. Do I have to be a part of a triad if I don't want to? If my two partners decide it for me? Well I guess I'll always have the choice to leave if it feels too bad. But it just feels weird to me that they could make a decision to start a relationship that would influence me a lot more than any other relationship they would start outside this group, and they could just do that without asking me if I want to be a part of this arrangement. Things don't exist in a vacuum. I fear I would resent them both for dragging me into a triad I never wanted.
- Most important of all: I fear I would resent the whole situation so much that I ended up leaving it, and as a result would lose the two people that are the most precious to me, the people I love and want to share my life with. I'm crying as I'm typing right now. :( That's it, that's the ultimate fear.

Man, that's a lot of work.
 
I'm really trying to get to a peaceful place where I don't care what happens. Take everything as it comes. Trust that everything will turn out like it should in the end. Where it's not the end of the world if things change. Where I will adapt to all new situations. Where feelings are just weather that will pass.

It's fucking hard, you guys. I feel like my head is trying to convince my heart and my heart is just yelling "NO!". I don't want to be this person. I loathe myself right now for having these strong feelings that I can't seem to change, at least quickly enough. Who do I think I am thinking I could tell other people what to do with their love lives? I have no right, and I'm not going to.

I am having trouble breathing calmly right now.
 
I'm really trying to get to a peaceful place where I don't care what happens. Take everything as it comes. Trust that everything will turn out like it should in the end. Where it's not the end of the world if things change. Where I will adapt to all new situations. Where feelings are just weather that will pass.

This is a good goal, whenever dealing with difficult emotions. However, I think it won't happen at once. These kind of intermediary steps are probably vital, where you let yourself feel the ugly without beating yourself up about it.

I think it's definitely good that you're processing these emotions even though nothing is happening between me and Hank. I really admire and value your determination to face it and grow, that is awesome about you.

And sure, there's also the selfish reasons why it's good, in case this kind of situation does some day actually come up concretely. However, I think there might be benefits to the fact that since nothing's going on now (either between Hank and I or between any other people this would be applicable to), you have the space to think about this without any additional pressure/complications that might be there otherwise, where you might feel like you need to get over it really quickly and panic and all that, which might not actually be very helpful for processing it all. And also, it's probably easier for your partners to support you with this, too, when it's not relating to an actual situation. At least I know it is for me, since I'm not fighting my own triggers (relating to feeling like I have to defend my personal freedom/autonomy). So, I'll try to be there for you better, too, now that I'm getting the picture of how difficult this is for you (not that I haven't believed you before, but it helps for me to understand to read such honest, uncensored text about your feelings).

*hugs*
 
If you have talked to Hank and he isn't interested in Rory like that, why do you feel pressured to change your mind?

Because that can change. Because I want to grow and be the best person I can be. Because I don't want to have these hang-ups. Because I don't want to stand in the way of my loved ones in case they do want something in the future.
 
This is a good goal, whenever dealing with difficult emotions. However, I think it won't happen at once. These kind of intermediary steps are probably vital, where you let yourself feel the ugly without beating yourself up about it.

I think it's definitely good that you're processing these emotions even though nothing is happening between me and Hank. I really admire and value your determination to face it and grow, that is awesome about you.

And sure, there's also the selfish reasons why it's good, in case this kind of situation does some day actually come up concretely. However, I think there might be benefits to the fact that since nothing's going on now (either between Hank and I or between any other people this would be applicable to), you have the space to think about this without any additional pressure/complications that might be there otherwise, where you might feel like you need to get over it really quickly and panic and all that, which might not actually be very helpful for processing it all. And also, it's probably easier for your partners to support you with this, too, when it's not relating to an actual situation. At least I know it is for me, since I'm not fighting my own triggers (relating to feeling like I have to defend my personal freedom/autonomy). So, I'll try to be there for you better, too, now that I'm getting the picture of how difficult this is for you (not that I haven't believed you before, but it helps for me to understand to read such honest, uncensored text about your feelings).

*hugs*

Thank you. <3
 
Mya - Some similarities between this and my recent experiences. I totally understand why you'd feel driven to processing this boundary now. It's emotionally "come up" for you, even though it's not reality. Seems like you'd be bothered by it, if you didn't feel and think it through right now.

I guess one benefit of the lack of urgency (cos it's not happening right now) is you can take it slower. You don't have to figure it all out at once. Some people would have a tendency to put it off, until they "had to" processes it. You don't seem like one of those people. So, yes, remember you do have breathing space.

This is big stuff. I've been the partner on the other side of something like this (i.e. rory's position) and I wish we'd both spent more time understanding each other, especially me understanding the shape of the boundary he was feeling, as in, what exactly was triggering.

rory - (NB: Forgive my tone here. I'm writing quickly before I have to head to work. I don't mean to imply that you don't know this already; I can tell that you are sensitive about it!) This is a boundary that Mya does not want to have, on her partners. She clearly wants to put serious working into making her emotions conform to her ideals - but this isn't simple! You can't just make your emotions do things, through a sheer force of will. Even teasing out where your fears are coming from, tracing the roots of the emotion, doesn't necessarily help ease the physical panic of an idea.

And - obviously - trying to rush "being okay" with something can be self-defeating. Yup, she's processing... and the hope is that things will ease eventually. But what if the boundary cannot shift?

For me, if I felt a partner has sincerely tried, and is trying (within reason), to work on a boundary that neither of us intellectually want, that means a lot. To me, it feels like the difference between a boundary which is an uncritical projection of fear, almost a lazy thing, and a boundary (however temporary or permanent!) that is more like a mental health issue.

I know it's not possible to assure a partner that you will be with them, no matter what. But, as well as supporting Mya emotionally while she's processing this stuff, you could also think about the ways you'd be willing to go slower, or even of some interim or potentially permanent boundaries you'd be able to accept, in consideration of the way Mya says she is triggered by some of this. Be careful here... If you do agree on boundaries, these are likely to be less flexible than other boundaries around things less emotionally volatile.
 
Mya - Some similarities between this and my recent experiences. I totally understand why you'd feel driven to processing this boundary now. It's emotionally "come up" for you, even though it's not reality. Seems like you'd be bothered by it, if you didn't feel and think it through right now.

I guess one benefit of the lack of urgency (cos it's not happening right now) is you can take it slower. You don't have to figure it all out at once. Some people would have a tendency to put it off, until they "had to" processes it. You don't seem like one of those people. So, yes, remember you do have breathing space.

Thanks a lot for your comment, fuchka. :) Yes, I'm glad I have time and breathing space to deal with this now.

Actually, I already feel somewhat better about it. It felt really important that both rory and Hank seemed to understand the gravity of my feelings. That made it so much easier to start dealing with it. They've been full of empathy even though my feelings are in a way quite unfair. That is a good place to start working on them: feeling understood and not pressured.

During processing this I realised that I have a problem with being alone. That's evident even looking at the list of reasons I posted earlier. I need to be better at spending time alone. So I'm going for a weekend trip alone in a couple of weeks. I've never done that before. I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone with my thoughts. I also need to get back to meditation. I did it for a long time, but then I stopped doing it for some reason. Now the results are showing. I felt way better within myself back when I was actively meditating.

So, self-improvement is again the way to go. Understanding and compassionate partners help a lot though. :)
 
Okay, just after that last issue this post might seem a bit contradictory, and I guess it is a little bit. But feelings are not always logical. :p

So there is this guy I've mentioned briefly here, the one I had sex a while back and said I wouldn't mind doing that again. I'll give him a name: Noah. The back story is that Hank and Noah go way back, they've known each other for years and they've had and continue to have some sexual feelings towards each other. At every party (for over a year) where I've been with them, they've made out at some point. And recently me and Noah have also started doing that, kissing every time we see each other I mean. Yesterday me and Hank had Noah over for dinner. It was really nice, we had wine and a candle and everything. :D The three of us cuddled and kissed, it was really nice. He didn't stay over because it was a Thursday night and we had to get up early for work, but we're all going to the same party tonight, so Noah said that we should take advantage of the early hours of the party. :cool:

I really like the idea of that and am looking forward to the party. But - how does this relate to the thing I just said that I don't want a triad? Well, this thing isn't romantic per say, it's more friendly and sexual I think. Although who knows what goes on in every individual's head. But that's how I see it, we all like each other and find each other attractive, but I don't see this going much further than the occasional threesome and/or kissing and cuddling. As it is, I find it very enjoyable. Also, the fear of losing both of my partners that I already love is not present in this situation. Actually this whole thing is a good mental exercise for me even though it's not the same kind of situation, but there are some similarities.

I can see some things that wouldn't bother me about rory and Hank being together because they're fine in this me-Hank-Noah dynamic as well. I'm sure I'd enjoy the times we'd spend together all three of us, all talking and cuddling together. I think I'd enjoy also having threesomes sometimes.

So what has happened so far is that I've pretty much worked through these things:

- I'm already the one wanting company more than them. If they started dating, I'd be left alone more than I do now. Now if they're seeing someone else outside the three of us, most of the time I can still hang out with the other one.

The cure for that is to spend more time alone and learn to enjoy it.

- I'm already sometimes struggling with some things with Hank, like time. If he would not give more time to me, but instead was giving it to rory, I fear I'd start resenting both of them for it.

Now that Hank started working normal hours instead of the intense course hours, I have more time with him and I'm much happier with that now. So I can't say I'm struggling with time with him anymore.

- I value one-on-one time, I don't want us to hang out as a group all the time. I mean I enjoy that as well, but one-on-one is more important. I fear that if they were also in a relationship with each other, they would want to be together all three of us when they used to spend time with just me.

The more I've talked to both of them, the more I realise this isn't true. They do want one-on-one time with me, no matter what happens. We all value that, so why would this change if they got together?

- I'd have to witness both of them being in NRE with each other but not with me.
- I fear in general that I'd be left out and they'd pay less attention to me, especially with NRE glasses on.

Well, this is something you can never know in advance, so it might happen or it might not. But I can trust the love both of them feel for me and just trust that they wouldn't forget about me even in NRE. This might still sting a little bit, but I'm sure it could be worked through.

But these things for the time being are still true for me:

- If there are three relationships, the chances of one of them breaking up are bigger. Especially now that we're planning on living together, that would just make things more complicated.
- I really really don't want a triad. I know it's a dream for many people but I've never wanted it. Never. And I still don't. Do I have to be a part of a triad if I don't want to? If my two partners decide it for me? Well I guess I'll always have the choice to leave if it feels too bad. But it just feels weird to me that they could make a decision to start a relationship that would influence me a lot more than any other relationship they would start outside this group, and they could just do that without asking me if I want to be a part of this arrangement. Things don't exist in a vacuum. I fear I would resent them both for dragging me into a triad I never wanted.
- Most important of all: I fear I would resent the whole situation so much that I ended up leaving it, and as a result would lose the two people that are the most precious to me, the people I love and want to share my life with. I'm crying as I'm typing right now. :( That's it, that's the ultimate fear.

Work in progress.

I feel like this me-Hank-Noah thing is actually helping me. Maybe I can have like a little taste of what an actual triad could be, even though that's not where the three of us are heading.

Interesting times.
 
They do want one-on-one time with me, no matter what happens. We all value that, so why would this change if they got together?

Wanting one-on-one time and being able to achieve one-on-one time can, unfortunately, be different things. Adding more people can certainly put pressure on each person's capacity to achieve their desires in this respect.

Some of the fear around this could stem from an awareness of this pressure, too. I think that's fair enough, and something to watch.

Really glad you're finding your way through the dense emotions around this issue, Mya! It's interesting how other things (like your experiences with Noah) can unlock parts of it for you, too.
 
Wanting one-on-one time and being able to achieve one-on-one time can, unfortunately, be different things. Adding more people can certainly put pressure on each person's capacity to achieve their desires in this respect.

Some of the fear around this could stem from an awareness of this pressure, too. I think that's fair enough, and something to watch.

Really glad you're finding your way through the dense emotions around this issue, Mya! It's interesting how other things (like your experiences with Noah) can unlock parts of it for you, too.

Thanks again for commenting, fuchka, I really do appreciate it. :)

I see where you're coming from, but I think that is not the point I was worried about. Since I'm not particularly worried about rory or Hank having other partners besides me, it's not the amount of time itself that I'm thinking about. It's more the quality of the time we do have. The arrangements we have at the moment leave both of them quite a bit of time outside their relationship with me. So if they decided to use that time to spend it with other people, including with each other, that is not the problem. It was more that if they wanted to spend the time in a group that used to be spent one-on-one. But I'm not worried about it anymore, it doesn't seem to be what any of us want.

In general, I feel like I've come to a place with this whole thing where I'm ok. I'm ok in the sense that this is as far as I can process it without it actually being an existing situation. And I'm confident that I could deal with the rest if it ever came to existence. So we're all good in that front. :)
 
Do you still remember Bob? He came to visit me recently from Home Country. It was really nice to see him. We had some lovely conversations and cuddled a little bit, but that's as far as it went this time. I wasn't really feeling the sexual side of things. We'll see how that develops the next time I see him.

Then, I wrote this in October last year:

I feel like I'm vaguely interested in different ways in several people at the moment. I have a date with one of them next week and I am looking forward to it. She asked me out and I do think she's really nice, but I just don't know her very well yet to say anything more than that. We'll see how it goes. :) I'm also a bit interested in a guy I met at a poly event that I went to recently - which is also where I met the woman I'm going out with next week. Me and the guy spent a lot of time cuddling there (as did many other people as well, there was a cuddle pile kind of thing). After the cuddling I asked him if he'd like a kiss and he said 'Just a little one'. So we had a little kiss. I felt half-rejected after that one, so I don't know if he's into me or not. Then there's one of the guys I had sex with that I wrote about recently; I wouldn't mind doing that again. I'm also seeing Evan next week, the first time we're meeting up one-on-one after the break-up. The last time I saw him (at a party) I told him that I'm pretty much over the romantic feelings I had for him but I would still be open to having sex with him if he's interested. He said 'I'll definitely keep that in mind'. So we'll see, I don't know if it's going to happen or not, but I'm open to the idea.

That was about 5 months ago now and I still feel more or less the same way, that I'm interested in these four people in different ways. During this time things have progressed a bit, but not with huge leaps.

The first person I mentioned is Maxine. We continue seeing each other casually, about once a month with sporadic contact between dates. I like hanging out with her, we have a lot of the same interests, she's fun and a good conversationalist, we have sex, but I still don't have huge romantic feelings towards her. We've talked about that and have agreed to keep the relationship on a casual level, calling each other friends or friends with benefits.

The second person I haven't named because there isn't anything really happening between us. But I've seen him a couple of times since the poly event where I met him, so I might as well name him in case I want to talk about him later: Oliver. I invited Oliver to my party last month and he came. Then I saw him at another event after that. We've had some good conversations and I like him. I think he has interesting opinions and he seems very intelligent. He has mentioned that he never asks people out, which means that if I wanted something to happen there, I would have to make the first move. Which I'd be fine with if I got some clear signs that the other person is also interested. Right now I'm still feeling him out, I can't quite figure out what he thinks of me.

The third one I mentioned is Noah. Well, I've already written something about him. I like Noah, I think he's a sweet and interesting person that gradually opens up once you get to know him. He's a bit of a mystery and I want to get to know him better, hear his thoughts and also continue being physical with him. When I say physical I don't mean sex necessarily. We just always kiss and cuddle when we see each other and that's really nice. If we ever have sex again, that's definitely a bonus. I find the dynamic between me, Noah and Hank really fascinating and I want to continue exploring that. Noah is actually coming to dinner again later this week. I can't wait. :)

Then there's of course Evan. We see each other about once in two or three months and chat on facebook every once in a while. We met up recently, for the first time after we had sex at the New Year's party. It was really really nice. He is still an incredible person and I do still have some feelings for him, I can't help it. We agreed that if we ever end up having sex again, that's fine, but it's also fine if it doesn't happen. So we're on the same page about that and are going with the flow I guess.

So at the moment I'm really glad I haven't met anyone new after October, since these people and of course rory and Hank fill my mind and schedule quite effectively. :p
 
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Then I also wanted to write about Hank and rory.

Me and Hank are doing better than ever. I love him and I love living with him and I feel us getting closer and closer all the time. We both really appreciate each others presence in our lives and we've ironed out most of the things we had conflicts about after we moved in together. We're used to each others ways now. We work as a team. I feel like our relationship is in a really good and stable place.

Rory has been in bad places recently (I won't go into details - I'll let her talk about these things more if she feels like it) and that has affected me and our relationship as well. But I think she's starting to feel better which in turn has positive effects on our relationship. I feel protective over her and it hurts me so much when I see her hurting. Sometimes I don't even know how to deal with everything, her feelings and my feelings over her feelings. But when we get through rough patches like these, I feel like we're even stronger than before. If we can deal with bad times, stick together and help each other as much as we can, there's no stopping us. I love her so much and want to be there for her. And when I need it, I know she'll also be there for me.

I have my third anniversary with rory in three weeks and my first anniversary with Hank in five weeks. Rory is moving in with us in a few weeks. Things seem stable. I think this might work well. I feel positive about the future, so much love and caring going in all directions. :)
 
Dinner with Noah was great. :) He stayed over and him, me and Hank had our first proper threesome (I say proper because we've sort of started going that way a couple of times but then stopped for one reason or another). I loved seeing Hank and Noah together and I also really enjoyed getting attention from both of them. The three of us always have fun together and the sex we had was no different - there was a lot of laughter. :D Afterwards we cuddled for a long time and then Hank went to his room because he was sleepy. Me and Noah stayed in my room. We continued talking for a few hours and had sex again, just the two of us this time. The whole evening turned out to be pretty perfect, since I've been kinda wanting time with both the three of us as a group and also some alone time with Noah. And I got both. :)
 
Okay, another observation about a triad type dynamic. Me, Hank and Noah were at the same party on Saturday and I slept next to Noah (the party was at his house). He asked me if I'm sure that it's okay for Hank if I sleep next to him. I explained that me and Hank never sleep next to each other anyway, so it doesn't really make a difference. I got the impression that Noah really cares about Hank and wants to be careful not to come between me and Hank in any way or do anything to make him feel bad. I really appreciated that gesture. But at the same time it made me realise there are definitely things I can't speak to Noah about. Things that have to do with Hank. I mean of course I can talk about some things, but there are quite a lot of areas in our relationship that I don't feel comfortable sharing with Noah because of his connection with Hank. That's fine of course, I don't need to talk to him about everything. But it is one of those things I've always imagined would be different in a triad (or dating my partner's friend / friend's partner / having my partner date my friend) and now for the first time I get to actually experience it.
 
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